Baby…
I could have sent this to you in an email… or just let you read it as my response to your journal entry… but I wanted this to be public. I want you to feel at the very least a portion of the way I feel when I read something you have written about me, knowing all the while that you feel so strongly as to proclaim it to the entire world. I want those tingly, fluttering butterflies to fill up your tummy as your eyes well up with tears. I want you to cry the tears you have made me cry… tears of happiness, of being so head-over-heels ridiculously in love… not tears of pain.
Yes, you were right about the nightmares. They were there last night as you recall, but you seem to have forgotten their accompaniment. I certainly haven't. I do remember the nightmares, but tremendously overshadowing those fleeting glimpses of fear is the memory of your sweet voice murmuring softly to me in the semi-darkness, your attentive gaze... those beautiful brown eyes peering curiously into mine, the overwhelming sense of being cared for and protected by those sturdy arms as you drew me close and held me even closer. By the time you had gently wiped away my tears, pressed your lips softly to my forehead, and wrapped your body around my own, those nightmares had all but vanished, leaving in their wake only the sweet memory of you.
I love falling asleep listening to the even, calming sound of your breath. Rolling over drowsily in my sleep and draping an arm over you, feeling that current of electricity spark as my skin lightly grazes yours. Only half-aware of what I am doing, reaching up to stroke the back of your neck and brush my fingers through your hair, to rub your strong back and then around to the front… to your chest so that I can feel the reassuring beat of your heart beneath my palm.
I used to loathe going to sleep at night… knowing positively that my demons would catch up with me after I had given in to sleep… that quiet, less sinister sister of death. These days, however, I do not fear whatever terrors my mind can produce while under the sandman’s influence. Nothing matters so long as you are by my side, holding me close and keeping me safe in the knowledge that I am protected… that I am loved.
Similarly, waking in the morning was always an arduous task. I could never quite clear the cobwebs from my mind adequately enough to feel anything but horrible as the day progressed. As much as I hated falling asleep, at least that time was a brief respite from the harsh reality of waking life.
No more, however. Now, it is your face that is the first thing I see in the morning, opening my eyes to discover not the unwelcome sight of the glaring sun as it begins it ascent, but that you are gazing at me adoringly… Your face lighting up as that slow, sweet smile starts across it at the sight of me rousing from the last vestiges of sleep. It is your beautiful countenance that proclaims to me that a new day has indeed begun, and judging by the grin covering your face… it will surely be a good one – at the very least a better day than yesterday.
You are usually right, too, you know. Each day does get a little better than the last, even if I don’t realize it right away. It’s still difficult… no… damn near impossible to get through the day without dwelling or becoming emotional – but it is getting better. Knowing that I can come home to you and lay my head in your lap and cry if I need to, scream if I need to, talk if I need to… just knowing that you are there – ready, able, and more than willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal… it’s incredible.
So yes, baby, I am still hurting, and still having difficulty falling and staying asleep. But whatever you do, please don’t forget our mornings… please don’t underestimate just how special they are to me. I cannot come close to expressing adequately in words just what they do for me – waking up to those eyes and that smile, making love as the day slowly brightens, eating breakfast in bed and then gently kissing you goodbye as you had kissed me goodnight not so long before.
Please don’t forget.
Those few short hours we have in the earliest portion of the day are the only ones that I feel to be ours alone. Our brief respite from the ardors of the day, before we have to really get up and be productive… the only time we can just be.
Inevitably during the day, those overwhelming feelings of hurt and anguish befall me.
It is at that point where I wrap myself up in the memory of those few short hours in the morning, when I felt safe, secure, loved. Those are the feelings that I have been focusing on the last few days, not those of mistrust or hurt… I’m truly doing my best to extract something positive from this experience and use it as an opportunity for growth, awareness, and the cultivation of compassion. The more time and brain space I allocate for this understanding, the more I realize that the unconditional extension of love from one to another just may be the glue that holds our little corner of the universe together.
More than I could ever possibly express in words… with every fiber of my very being…
I love you, Josh.
I could have sent this to you in an email… or just let you read it as my response to your journal entry… but I wanted this to be public. I want you to feel at the very least a portion of the way I feel when I read something you have written about me, knowing all the while that you feel so strongly as to proclaim it to the entire world. I want those tingly, fluttering butterflies to fill up your tummy as your eyes well up with tears. I want you to cry the tears you have made me cry… tears of happiness, of being so head-over-heels ridiculously in love… not tears of pain.
Yes, you were right about the nightmares. They were there last night as you recall, but you seem to have forgotten their accompaniment. I certainly haven't. I do remember the nightmares, but tremendously overshadowing those fleeting glimpses of fear is the memory of your sweet voice murmuring softly to me in the semi-darkness, your attentive gaze... those beautiful brown eyes peering curiously into mine, the overwhelming sense of being cared for and protected by those sturdy arms as you drew me close and held me even closer. By the time you had gently wiped away my tears, pressed your lips softly to my forehead, and wrapped your body around my own, those nightmares had all but vanished, leaving in their wake only the sweet memory of you.
I love falling asleep listening to the even, calming sound of your breath. Rolling over drowsily in my sleep and draping an arm over you, feeling that current of electricity spark as my skin lightly grazes yours. Only half-aware of what I am doing, reaching up to stroke the back of your neck and brush my fingers through your hair, to rub your strong back and then around to the front… to your chest so that I can feel the reassuring beat of your heart beneath my palm.
I used to loathe going to sleep at night… knowing positively that my demons would catch up with me after I had given in to sleep… that quiet, less sinister sister of death. These days, however, I do not fear whatever terrors my mind can produce while under the sandman’s influence. Nothing matters so long as you are by my side, holding me close and keeping me safe in the knowledge that I am protected… that I am loved.
Similarly, waking in the morning was always an arduous task. I could never quite clear the cobwebs from my mind adequately enough to feel anything but horrible as the day progressed. As much as I hated falling asleep, at least that time was a brief respite from the harsh reality of waking life.
No more, however. Now, it is your face that is the first thing I see in the morning, opening my eyes to discover not the unwelcome sight of the glaring sun as it begins it ascent, but that you are gazing at me adoringly… Your face lighting up as that slow, sweet smile starts across it at the sight of me rousing from the last vestiges of sleep. It is your beautiful countenance that proclaims to me that a new day has indeed begun, and judging by the grin covering your face… it will surely be a good one – at the very least a better day than yesterday.
You are usually right, too, you know. Each day does get a little better than the last, even if I don’t realize it right away. It’s still difficult… no… damn near impossible to get through the day without dwelling or becoming emotional – but it is getting better. Knowing that I can come home to you and lay my head in your lap and cry if I need to, scream if I need to, talk if I need to… just knowing that you are there – ready, able, and more than willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal… it’s incredible.
So yes, baby, I am still hurting, and still having difficulty falling and staying asleep. But whatever you do, please don’t forget our mornings… please don’t underestimate just how special they are to me. I cannot come close to expressing adequately in words just what they do for me – waking up to those eyes and that smile, making love as the day slowly brightens, eating breakfast in bed and then gently kissing you goodbye as you had kissed me goodnight not so long before.
Please don’t forget.
Those few short hours we have in the earliest portion of the day are the only ones that I feel to be ours alone. Our brief respite from the ardors of the day, before we have to really get up and be productive… the only time we can just be.
Inevitably during the day, those overwhelming feelings of hurt and anguish befall me.
It is at that point where I wrap myself up in the memory of those few short hours in the morning, when I felt safe, secure, loved. Those are the feelings that I have been focusing on the last few days, not those of mistrust or hurt… I’m truly doing my best to extract something positive from this experience and use it as an opportunity for growth, awareness, and the cultivation of compassion. The more time and brain space I allocate for this understanding, the more I realize that the unconditional extension of love from one to another just may be the glue that holds our little corner of the universe together.
More than I could ever possibly express in words… with every fiber of my very being…
I love you, Josh.
