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Good looking Vs Intelligence

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Bluelighter
Joined
May 4, 2002
Messages
276
Why is it that when someone is attracted to another person based on looks alone they are called superficial. But yet in another instance when the attraction is based purely on intellect it is considered more "appropriate" (for lack of a better word)

Why is it so bad if you like someone else mainly due to their attractiveness. Isn't this just one of their greater qualities hence making them more appealing??

People like others based mainly on they're intelligence all the time and this is accepted and generally applauded, but why the double standard when it comes to looks? Isn't it just another quality of that person? Why is it more acceptable to say 'oh i love my partner just because he/she is so intelligent' rather than saying 'oh i love my partner just because he/she is so good looking'

Thoughts?
 
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Attractiveness moves along a bellcurve. The reality is that most of us are somewhat less than "beautiful". We're above average, or average, or downright ugly.

People are naturally inclined to look at attractive people.

No one likes to honestly admit that they're average at best and that some people won't find them attractive. So you get some people who, instead of admitting they themselves are lacking in looks, they'll instead say that the other person is lacking in moral fibre and depth.

Intelligence you can improve (or do a good impression of). Base attractiveness? Not so easy.
 
Hahahahahahahahah. The irony of answering "because it is superficial" to the question of "why is it superficial?" is high-larious. Hahahahaha.

To answer your question, I think its for 2 reasons. Intelligence is perceived to result from work, whereas beauty is often seen as undeserved/arbitrarily bestowed. Secondly, because ugly people feel insecure about themselves, and thus rationalize away people not being attracted to them by making it a reflection on the other person, ie they are so superficial, rather than a reflection on themselves, ie Damn I'm ugly.
 
well, both are basically naturally occuring. it's not like we're talking about education, or fake tan - both of which are attempts to distort the natural being, to improve them via alteration - but rather intrinstic qualities with which to make value judgements.

both are essentially impermanent, but it's beauty (in the traditional or mainstream sense) which fades first. yes, our minds eventually become less agile; but it's usually a long time after a person has passed the upper age limit which defines beauty (i'm not proposing such a limit, but merely identifying society's desire to do so). so in a sense, attractiveness could possibly be viewed as a more ethereal, less lasting quality - as doofqueen has noted.

i think the key is that intelligence is inevitably linked with conversation and thus company: our social interactions are what define us. no matter how much you love someone, if you spent 60 years just looking at each other it would be fairly dull, i'd imagine. interactions define relationships at all levels, from friendships to official negotiations, from divorce to the initiation of a new romance... and our ability to interact is always linked with intelligence.

this is, however, misleading... as we know, intelligence is so much more than the sum of its parts. emotional and intellectual intelligence are different creatures; people can be incredibly intelligent yet harbour no real conversational skills - their brain is tuned to some other wavelength (be it musical, mathematical, autistic) which means that communication is a different experience for them, and that they seek to express themselves differently. in each case, however, that different intelligence will be attractive to others, because it's just another factor. at the other end of the scale, some people can talk forever without saying much (i'm one of them).

i guess the key is not differentiating between intelligence/attractiveness in a binary sense, but realising that our attraction to people is composed of a number of interdependent factors, liminal and subliminal - some of which we don't even recognise outright, such as pheremonal interactivity. i would tentatively suggest that as long as there isn't a huge intellectual mismatch - an incredibly bright person and someone who finds brainwork uncomfortable and unwelcome - a relationship can easily prosper, and intellectual distinction would be just another one of the filters we use when identifying people we'd like to be with.

it's considered more superficial because in a sense it is more superficial... beauty is generally instantly comprehended; it can be enjoyed at leisure, but that first-impression-physical-presence thing will never be as lasting the intellect.

i'm reminded of a quote that of all the arts, architecture works most slowly, but most surely, on the soul... intellect, the subtleties of how someone's mind works, is something that you discover slowly, a process that's far more revelatory than simple show-n-tell physiology. discussion, insight, response, debate - these are the threads with which we weave the tapestry of our image of the Other mind, and they are active and critical, rather than reactive - there is a vast difference between thinking 'ooh, nice legs' and 'i really had never thought about [topic] that way before'.

the flipside is that intelligence and beauty are generally things we consciously and subconsciously present to the outside world, playing to our positives and masking our negatives, constructing a persona - us - with which we interact.

IMO, the process of engaging with someone's mind is the true act of love.
 
dammit dr seuss, i was just about to say that! ;)

great post Dr s, and i have to say that i agree with everything you covered.

Also, how many times have you seen an ugly guy driving a Porsche, with a beautiful women beside him and said 'she's only with him because he has money.'

Surely some women are as attracted to success as some women are to appearance?

Also, it reveals alot about a person who would make such a comment, since it suggests that they think that an individual would only be attracted to someone as asthetically beautiful as themselves.

Like Dr S said, its a culmination of many many factors.

However, its unlikely i would try to chat up a woman i didn't know if i didn't find her physically attractive, so i guess that would be the initial 'hurdle' that she would have to clear.
 
^ WOW. Nice post, dr seuss.

In short, you can see it all pretty much instantly. But it takes a lifetime to really know and understand someone.

You can always buy a bigger set of boobs. But it takes lots of time and effort to cultivate who you are and be someone interesting.
 
ITs the whole package baby. And the persons gotta have that inimitable X factor... one cant just narrow it down to only LOOKS or only INTELLIGENCE and never the twain shall meet....that is preposterous. *sigh*

This is how I feel tho:

In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh."
-- Wystan Hugh Auden (1907-73)
 
Beauty is skin deep.

It gets me in, no doubt. But does it keep me with an air head. Fuck no.

Why? Because it drives me mental when you can't connect with someone deeply, because they just don't get it.

Do the maths. It adds up.
 
What gets me is that some people find a partner who is both attractive and intelligent, but still go on to fuck it up for petty reasons...
 
I would *struggle* to be with someone of below average intelligence, I would find it difficult to be attracted to someone with below average looks.

I think most people find me fairly attractive (I'm not complaining), and I know that I'm of at least average intelligence.

Naturally, my preference in men would suggest I want similar traits in them, as I see in myself - give or take a bit.

At the end of day, intelligence is far more important to me than looks - I don't ask of anyone to be a brain, I just need someone who I can hold a mature, rational, in-depth conversation with. Any less in a partner would drive me insane.
 
I think the difference is simply this: in order to look good, and for someone to be attracted to a good-looking person, nothing has to happen. Beautiful people are just beautiful because they are, and you don't need to so much as say hi to be attracted to a beautiful person. To be intelligent and engaging takes at least minimal effort, and knowing that someone is intelligent and engaging requires that you actually know them.

Of course people are going to look down on someone for valuing beauty more - that would indicate that you are not with the person because of the person, but because of the package. I find those situations pretty demoralizing for everyone involved. How much would you like it if you discovered your s/o was only with you because they thought you were "hot?" You probably wouldn't think much of them as a person afterward... I know I'd be insulted...
 
doofqueen said:
cos beauty fades .....

and it is superficial... duh

I whole-heartedly agree. Superficial: the word comes from the Latin "superficies," meaning literally "surface" --- super = above, fic = face, al = relating to; "relating to the face above." :p

But what is it they say? Love is blind.
 
Great posts....I have little to add other than that intelligence in men seems to be more important while beauty is more important for women.

To clarify, it's more important for women to be beautiful, and more important for men to be intelligent.
 
fairnymph-

you may be right, but i don't see a lot of really attractive women dating ugly, brainy men.

like tends to date like- regardless of what we may say at the comfort of our computers.
 
^ wait til you are either in the big city, or are looking at attractive women aged 25+. Then, the most common match will be wealth (men) with beauty (women). The beautiful women may enjoy looking at good-looking men, but the man they choose to be with will give them a big house, convertible Mercedes, and trendy clothes, and that's not based on his looks. (There are exceptions, of course.)
 
Intelligence means everything to me. If I was just after beauty, I would date a fashion magazine.

-0
 
Johnny-

i fulfill both of those criteria- i think that happens less than it seems. it's only because it is staring you in the face when you see some geriatric guy with a trophy next to him.

i still maintain, that all things being equal- people date those who are similar to them- whether it be looks, "intelligence", whatever.
 
i'm not saying money isn't important as people age, but there are plenty of good looking men with money.

and also, we are changing the dynamic of the topic- it wasn't beauty vs. wealth. it was beauty vs. intelligence.

and i know plenty of people with money that are extremely dumb.
 
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