Good friend has HIV

[captaincaveman]

Hey peeps,
I was debating whether to post this with Herbavore and she suggested I post it here. One of my dearest friends who happens to be gay, has contracted HIV. I was in floods of tears when he told me but I don't think it's registered with him yet. He still parties, takes loads of drugs (ketamine and coke mainly), drinks too much and most worryingly is still highly promisicious. I hope to God he's using protection because he has a heart of gold but maybe he's angry with the world and wants revenge. I don't know what to do. He slept with the lead singer of a major UK band (who's opening gay so you can probably guess who it is). The guy got tested and he's fine.
As I say I love this guy (like a brother) I've known him for years. He came to my mothers funeral and was a great support. I know someone else with HIV and when he found out he cleaned himself up and is now super fit. In the UK you can get the drugs off the NHS and if some are too expensive I'll pay. I've lost too many people in my life and this guy lights up a room when he enters. Anyone with any knowledge of HIV (maybe a sufferer yourself) that can give me some advice? He's already got abcesses appearing on his arms which I thought was a sign of AIDS. Really worried about him but apart from locking him up what can I do? I offered to take him away to Berlin for a quick holiday but he's addicted to Fire and DTPM (major London gay clubs).
Please guys, the good die young I know but I don't want to go to another funeral.
Thanks,
Captain

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Tell him how he has to start changing his life, go see various doctors including an HIV/Infectious Disease doctor (that's what they're called here in the United States they're probably called something different in the UK), get on meds/treatment (if he even needs meds, not everyone does at first), and stop using drugs and going out partying all night.

It's up to him to do these things. I'm not HIV+ but a friend of mine had AIDS or was very close to it, and he was not getting help or treatment, and then he got very sick and finally turned his life around, stopped using drugs, and got on medications/treatment.

 

[sockpuppet]

edt

 

[augustaB]

So much has changed in regard to HIV in recent years.
The meds are far less complicated and sticking to the regime is easier.
Even so HIV meds do interact with various drugs.
Eventually he will get sicker and once that happens it will be a wake up call.
This happened to my ex. He only started taking the disease seriously after he got pneumonia.
The last few weeks have seen the appearance of instant HIV testers and meds that you can take if you have been exposed.
It's his life and nobody else can make up his mind for him.

 

[-Kitten]

You need to talk to him and tell him he needs to start changing the way he does things...

 

[llama112]

Make sure he goes to see a doctor and gets some medication or whatever he needs. Go with him if need be. Just try and support him and be there for him.

 

[LilbabiC]

If you could reach out to an HIV support group and speak to those living with the disease they could advise you on how to best help your friend. I am certain if your friend were to speak to some of those people who have been living with this disease he would understand that his life is not over.

 

[herbavore]

This is a very painful situation to be in. You love your friend and you are watching him put his life (and possibly others) in danger. You know you have no control but you desperately want to help. Aside from continually encouraging him to face what is happening, providing every piece of information that you think might lead him to seek help and simply continuing to be there as a friend I don't think there is anything else that you can do. My sense is that you need support for how much anguish this helplessness creates in your own mind/body/spirit.

One of the things that might help your friend I am borrowing from my experience with my son and addiction. This is not at all the same situation that your friend is facing but it is similar for you because of the helplessness of being on the outside. Your friend is obviously a master of denial and the more he denies the dangers, the more people want to force him to see them in graphic detail. He has successfully built a wall against the fear of what may happen to him so using fear (you are killing yourself, putting others in danger etc.) probably just bounces off. Maybe simply not being part of that chorus of fear could be something that might allow him to relax and listen more. I am thinking of things like saying, would you consider going with me to an AIDS support group just to listen to what people are saying about the drug regimen that is now available? Better yet, do you have any friends that are successfully on the drugs for HIV that might be willing to speak to him in a positive way about how treatment has changed their lives?

Whatever your friend decides to do, I hope that you can feel some peace within your own mind. People make dangerous choices for themselves. Those that love them suffer, too. As one that knows this world of suffering very well, I can only offer you the comfort of my ear for listening and my support for all the feelings that this brings up for you. They are all valid. The most important thing to remember is that by loving your friend and being there for him you are in fact doing a lot for him already even though it may feel like little to you.