In my world, good days are when I feel like a normal person again who has an independent, fulfilling, motivating life, as I did for a long time until I was forced to move back into my parents' home after an ex beat himself up, and me, and told the cops I beat him up, so we both went to jail. I was in jail for 3 days, but it was when I was supposed to have moved from the apt I shared with my ex, and my parents moved all my stuff out and back into their house, and that was like the end of it for my freedom. I was, what, 30 at the time? And trust me, i tried like hell to get back out on my own but it didn't happen, then last year I went to real jail and then to the mental-health rehabs and that set me back, oh, over a decade.
But I've already talked about all that...
I had a pretty good day yesterday (still up) because I hung out with a guy friend I've known years who, yes, uses, but has a pretty normal life. We just goofed off all day. I had to be back home before my midnight curfew... even when I was in high school I never had a curfew... my mother thinks things like sex and drugs only happen at night.
So i felt like the "pre-2010" me for a day and it was great. I just wish I could be me all the time. I can't. I have to monitor what I do and say and post and write... at least when people know me. I have to pretend to be in recovery when I am using (and I haven't fucked up my life while using.... this time.... so people still think I've been in recovery this whole time.) I have to pretend to not miss my life when I had lovers or boyfriends or when I was dancing or modeling or rolling every other weekend and going to clubs and raves.
Well the truth is I totally miss the way my life was before it did get out of hand, and that was not actually due to drugs, it was cuz of a car accident and my own SOBER decisions. I miss being an ADULT. With a car, a place, a significant other living with me, a job of my choosing, privacy, the stuff a lot of people take for granted.
It's going to be VERY VERY hard for me to get that kind of life back.
Right now, i am praying for my SSI disability $ to start coming in, for my back injury. It's tied up in some accounting shit and I have no income except a few little things right now.
BAD days are when I am stuck at home with my mother nagging at me saying I am middle-aged and have no job prospects and no marriage prospects, tho I have a double major from a great university and i supported myself just fine for a long time. She seems to forget the past decade. BAD days are when my back injury kicks up and I don't have the former meds I used to have (and used to over-use and MISUSE but they WORKED dammit). BAD days are when I feel lonely as hell, as I've never had to feel before, and have no one to talk to about shit.
BAD days are waking up feeling: fat, ugly, old, unloved, anxious, and like a loser.
GOOD days are when I feel NORMAL. And I guess that's 3 or 4 times a month.
But I've already talked about all that...
I had a pretty good day yesterday (still up) because I hung out with a guy friend I've known years who, yes, uses, but has a pretty normal life. We just goofed off all day. I had to be back home before my midnight curfew... even when I was in high school I never had a curfew... my mother thinks things like sex and drugs only happen at night.
So i felt like the "pre-2010" me for a day and it was great. I just wish I could be me all the time. I can't. I have to monitor what I do and say and post and write... at least when people know me. I have to pretend to be in recovery when I am using (and I haven't fucked up my life while using.... this time.... so people still think I've been in recovery this whole time.) I have to pretend to not miss my life when I had lovers or boyfriends or when I was dancing or modeling or rolling every other weekend and going to clubs and raves.
Well the truth is I totally miss the way my life was before it did get out of hand, and that was not actually due to drugs, it was cuz of a car accident and my own SOBER decisions. I miss being an ADULT. With a car, a place, a significant other living with me, a job of my choosing, privacy, the stuff a lot of people take for granted.
It's going to be VERY VERY hard for me to get that kind of life back.
Right now, i am praying for my SSI disability $ to start coming in, for my back injury. It's tied up in some accounting shit and I have no income except a few little things right now.
BAD days are when I am stuck at home with my mother nagging at me saying I am middle-aged and have no job prospects and no marriage prospects, tho I have a double major from a great university and i supported myself just fine for a long time. She seems to forget the past decade. BAD days are when my back injury kicks up and I don't have the former meds I used to have (and used to over-use and MISUSE but they WORKED dammit). BAD days are when I feel lonely as hell, as I've never had to feel before, and have no one to talk to about shit.
BAD days are waking up feeling: fat, ugly, old, unloved, anxious, and like a loser.
GOOD days are when I feel NORMAL. And I guess that's 3 or 4 times a month.