Going Wrong.

[rewiiired]

Going Wrong.
12/15/01

Absorbing, wondering, withdrawing,
missing out on it.

Longing to…
something.

Clinging to…
something else entirely.

Trapped in these questions.
Addicted to over-analysis.

These eyes of mine?
They don’t look on through;
they fall right into all of you.

I paint my world with the
passion you give me with
all your insides;
all your stories;
all your fears, loves,
hopes, dreams
and betrayals.

It's all aimed toward fulfilling
my arrogant, hard-driven goal:
a deeper sense of understanding
about what parts of us
might be worth saving and
where we all went wrong.

Why did we all have to go wrong?

It had been so beautiful when I saw it
through the eyes of a child,
born through a chemical.

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

Wow. A little disjointed (just my opinion please don't be offended because I liked it muchly overall ), I think it was just the rhythm chopped and changed a little too much.

But, as usual I have my favourite phrases and passages that touched a cord.

Going Wrong.
These eyes of mine?
They don’t look on through;
they fall right into all of you.

This is beautifully haunting. I love it. fantastic imagery.

I paint my world with the
passion you give me with
all your insides;

This is darkly compelling. Well done!

through the eyes of a child
through a chemical.

So soft and tender yet ripping and biting.

Well done. :D Thank's for sharing.

 

[Ryu]

^ too much pink, frightening.... ^

nice to see you doing something with rhythm again, even if it is choppy. almost makes me want to do drugs again well, almost.

 

[smileyfish]

Child-of-the-beat: could you please cut down on the pink a little - it's not exactly user-friendly. Sorry!

Rewiiired: Yes, I like this one! I agree that the rhythm is a little uneven - the changing stanza lengths don't help - but overall it had a good feel and fantastic imagery. I especially liked these two stanzas:

These eyes of mine?
They don’t look on through;
they fall right into all of you

It had been so beautiful when I saw it
through the eyes of a child
through a chemical.

they balance each other nicely and seem to convey a lot of the emotion of the piece. Great potential....

Smiley

 

[rewiiired]

Thanks for the compliments...

I tried fixing up the poem a bit. It seems to flow a bit better to me now. Opinions?