Going to need MAJOR surgery... Mental anguish and possible relapse scenario

[bennyZA]

So without getting in too much detail about my past, I'll just say this. I had a major accident, had hella surgeries, got addicted to pain meds and became a drunk, OD'd, and now I don't drink and I'm on fentanyl patches that I don't abuse cause someone gives them to me when needed.

Anyways... I now found out that 3 years after a shoulder surgery (a "simple" arthroscopic surgery) that my shoulder is worse than ever before. I literally broke my shoulder (wtf! I didn't even know that you could do that!)

It's going to be a major surgery. They're going to need to cut me open, big, from the front and the back, use cadaver bone, use metal screws, the whole works. I'm scared. Really scared, but it needs to be done.

This is making me really sad, and my sadness is turning to anger, introversion, and general aggression with other people. I was going to make a huge move in my life in a very positive direction. I was going to start a new and wonderful chapter in my life. I knew my shoulder hurt, but it just got worse and worse. I thought maybe physical therapy would do the trick, but it made things worse. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm 26 and I'm going to have to live with my mom again which she's really not happy about. This is going to be a life altering surgery, I was even told I might need to learn to become ambidextrous because my right arm (the messed up one) is going to lose significant range of motion. Everyone I talk to about this just says "that sucks." I'm worried not only about needing extremely strong pain killers (because they said it would hurt, really bad, for awhile, and I have a huge tolerance cause of the fent patches). I know I can have someone continue to dole out the pain killers, but that might not stop me from seeking them out illegally. I'm also worried about my life until the surgery. I can't work, my awesome new direction has to be put on hold for a very long time, I have nothing to do all day, and like I said: I'm scared. I'm scared I'll start abusing opiates BEFORE the surgery cause I'm bored and my life sucks ass right now.

I can't even really think about what my question really is. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you keep your spirits up when you know your life is going to be/is shitty? Who do I talk to when I have no one to talk to?

Man... life is a cruel beast. I'm not suicidal, but I want to die (if that makes any sense). Basically, if this were a game of poker and this was the hand I was dealt, I would probably fold.

I really wish I was never born; I'm 26, have a serious neurological disorder, I'm a drug addict, I have 3 out of 4 limbs not working properly. I've had 3 surgeries in 3 years (about to be 4, and this one is going to be a MAJOR operation) and I live with my mom. The best thing that ever happened to me is going to be indefinitely postponed.

Why the fuck happened to this friendly, intelligent kid with a bright future...

 

[neversickanymore]

I have 3 out of 4 limbs not working properly.

Dont you mean 4 out five as your head is clearly not working at the moment

Hey benny Im going to be frank here as I believe it is the best way I can help. please realize that the intention of this is the farthest thing from anything negative!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you keep your spirits up when you know your life is going to be/is shitty?

Well that would be impossible.. why on gods green earth is your life going to be "shitty"..

but it needs to be done.. This is making me really sad, and my sadness is turning to anger, introversion, and general aggression with other people

accept it and get moving forward.. realize that this is far from the end of the world, enough of feeling sorry for yourself, there are people out there who are quadriplegics, learning how to control a computer solely with the movement from their eyes.. keep it in perspective. m

I don't know how to deal with this. I'm 26 and I'm going to have to live with my mom again

wow, you have a loving mother who will help you through this challenging time.. get to spend time with one of the people closest to your heart there will ever be.. people loose their mothers in the blink of an eye every single minute of every day and pray in vain for the very opertunity to have a minute of what you will experience.

I was even told I might need to learn to become ambidextrous because my right arm

WOW so much worse than figuring out how to live with terminal cancer

is going to lose significant range of motion

I dislocated my right shoulder as well, have about 35% less range of motion, made me swim allot of time kayaking and limited the type of water i decided to run, on the other hand i've swam through some of the sickest rapids.. and i hadn't even thought about the limited range of motion for at least three years, until you mentioned it, so it really isn't that big of a deal.. unless you are a kayaker and then you most likely would have blown out your shoulder eventually anyway..

I'm worried not only about needing extremely strong pain killers.. I'm on fentanyl patches

with the amount you have used "pain killers" tylenol and nonsteroidal anti inflammatories will work better anyway.. also IMO ramping up on the opiat pain killers wont make your addiction any worse, it will only cause you to detox of the physical dependence.. and have a shoulder that works is worth that rite..

Man... life is a cruel beast. I'm not suicidal, but I want to die

bet you would do a 180 in a split secound if you were dying.. wakr up tomorow and realize that you are dying.. we all are.. yeah tomorow, wake up and tell yourself that you have a terminal illness called life and that you are going to die and have no idea how long you have.. or pretend for a day that you just got back from the doctor and they informed you that you only have two weeks to live.. live the rest of your life like that

I would probably fold.

really?????????????????

I'm a drug addict

Me too and im sober and happier and wiser than i've ever been, miles above straight people!!!!.. IM NOt FUCKING WITH YOU

The best thing that ever happened to me is going to be indefinitely postponed.

huhh??

what the fuck happened to this friendly, intelligent kid with a bright future...

fixed.. nothing he just looked at something wrong and need a little adjustment

WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER, This isn't even a hiccup compared to what you will face in your life.. if you set limitations you will be limited by them, if you pay attention to much to the fear then it will ruin your life, if you become fixated on possible negatives then you won't have time or energy for solutions or to bask in the positive, self pity causes you to become pitfall.. if you think its the end of the world then your world ends.. in any situation the positive naturally outweighs the negative, tunnel vision for the negative in life hides the overwhelming positive.. life is how you perceive it, stop focussing and inflating the little negatives into life crushing realities, it makes your life suck and will drive you back to use..

You can make it through this and anything that is placed in your way.. I wish you the most successful surgery ever, goodspeed on recovery and easy withdrawals from the pain meds.. you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for

one armed

Nothing slows you down unless you let it


the future is brighter than ever!!

 

[Alaska457]

Hey man, I can sympathize with the injury. I fucked up my foot 2 years ago and I don't know if rehab would of helped it or not, but I kept walking on it (only had a cast for 2 weeks). It's been 2 and a half years since I hurt it, and my life is just completely different. It's made me develop social anxiety where I use to have many friends etc. , and it's ruined my sports career. So every time I feel happy or something I have to think about it because it's 24/7, then since I got both SA and the injury at the same time I think I automatically associate the SA with the injury, and it never ends.


I'm going to get surgery because I'm pissed, I'd rather of gotten show or something worse than to go through this. Since all of my hobbies, well most of them, involved physical activity, and the ones that didn't I've gotten bored of.

Anyway, try to stay off the medication because it makes everything worse in the long run. It's a lot easier to look back knowing you made it through without taking anything as well, and it'll make you healthier and you'll probably live a lot longer too. If you can't stay off anything just try to limit yourself.


Good luck on your surgery, and wish me luck too if I do get it. (I don't get how the NBA players get these horrible injuries and get surgery and then come back and play, it's like what the fuck why can't they just do that for me).

Good luck

 

[bennyZA]

Neversickanymore, I guess I left out a lot of stuff. I don't feel like answering a lot of your rebuttals, but a lot of the things you've said are kinda cliche. "You have it bad, but at least you're not x." The stuff I left out is pretty important cause it would explain the fact that I do in fact have a terminal disorder So this is like being kicked while already down. It's never ending with me... With the type of operations I need and have had, I will never play sports again. Those people may have lost limbs, but the way I injured my self I can't even swim, or pick myself up, or wheel a wheelchair. I can't use crutches, I can't even get out of bed in the morning without issues.

Yes there will always be people who are worse off then me. The guy who's got cancer of the balls has someone who has it worse than him. The guy who's a quadrapalegic there is someone who has it worse than him. It's not a case of comparing. Just cause my injuries aren't so obvious doesn't mean they aren't as bad. Idk, I'm probably making it sound worse than it is. Yet, after dealing with this and having this terminal illness start in my early 20's... I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm in sooo much pain every day, all day, so I need to do this in order for me to use my right arm. I really want to play sports, I want to be able to hike, I want to be able to walk more than a few blocks (total) a day. Now, I know the response: "well to bad, get over it, and move on." Well I was going to do that, I was one month away from doing that, but now I can't because I need to have this surgery done...

Oh and as for tylenol and such, because of the nature of the injury it makes it worse. Opiates are the only things that help. I just want to not be in pain. I honestly would do anything to not be in pain for at least a day. Even on the 50mcg/h fent patches I'm on now, I still can't walk much...

Fuck me.

 

[bennyZA]

My life was so bright, everything was looking so good until I was diagnosed with that damn neurological disorder. Not many people know what it's like to have a few seizures, get an eeg, then go see your doc and have him tell you that you have a 25% chance of dying in the next 10 years, and a 75% chance of dying in 20... and all the while things are only going to get worse in between. The meds I have to take, omg, the meds! I have to be on permanent disability, which is barely any money, cause I can't get a job with everything that has happened. Oh, and the best part, I have some serious side effects in the private "between the sheets" department, so I haven't had a gf in 5 years.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Benny.. I'm sorry I didn't have the full picture.. Is it MS, huntingtons, .. hey.. i'm sorry i thought you were down because of the major shoulder surgery and the addiction.. I was just trying to help... Man, so what do you want to do. I mean in life.. set aside the things that are no longer an option.. what do you want to do?

EDIT: I assume its nerve pain then?
EDIT 2: for my neurological pain the only thing that EVER worked, yeah and I tried fent as well as every other opiate/everything else, was methadone redosed every four hours.. as far as your life.. you should hold hope that new treatments or a cure is developed..


OTHER THAN THAT YOU CAN BATHE YOURSELF IN SELF PITY OR MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THE HAND YOU WERE DEALT.

My very best wishes- NSA

 

[bennyZA]

Yea, I'm trying make the most out of the hand I was dealt. I was going to move into a Buddhist temple as an apprentice. I already lived there once, and it was the greatest time of my life, but I had to leave cause I wasn't able to work, so they told me to go get a doc to check out my shoulder, and well, they said everything was fine, so I was going to go back on June 16th. Then they realized I in fact broke several of the bones in my shoulder. So now I'm going to have to way another year! It's like every time something good comes along, it just gets taken from me.

Honestly I would prefer not to talk in detail about the disease cause it makes me depressed and it actually makes me mad (cause I get so pissed because I was diagnosed a year after finally getting over my adolescent depression and becoming social, really social). I guess what I'm getting at is this: I don't want to bathe in self pity, but I don't know how to play the hand I was dealt. Everyone who plays poker knows that you can't play every hand, unless you're bluffing. Honestly, I don't think lying to get jobs, etc. is going to get me very far. It may sound like I'm bathing in self pity, but I also just need a place to say this stuff. Keeping it in isn't helping, friends don't know how to deal with heavy shit, and I can't afford therapy (although therapy never helped). I saw a psychologist at the chronic pain center I go to and he had really nothing to say. Yea, I got to talk and say things, but it was to one sided.

 

[neversickanymore]

It sounds like you have a strong personality.. have you come up with some practical, enjoyable, ways to spend the down time that will happen because of the surgery?

 

[placid space]

Have you sought out other suggestions on the solution for your shoulder? Is this drastic invasive surgery the only option ?

You say its painful. Will the pain go away? I dont know what to tell you about the illness but science progresses faster than ever before and new cures are becoming available almost daily. I know, so easy to say but try not to worry so much about something you cannot control.

And drug user. Youre on bluelight. We are all to an extent. But you know that it is not an identity. Its a state of mind. Yes, genetic predispostion to addiction is a b*tch but its a b*tch that can be controled if you face it. Most often we just dont want to cause it bring to much "real" sh*t to the open. If you dont like this mental state youre on a good way out with your path.
It sounds like a tough surgery but I know from experience how we make it out waay waay worse beforehand. If nothing else it will give you time to read on buddhism (im not being sarcastic, I like it a lot). Life takes strange turns I guess, sucks cause we always try to steer it where we think we should be. Sometimes maybe its not for the best ?

 

[bennyZA]

Placid Space, I've seen 5 shoulder docs and they all said the same thing. I need this invasive surgery or my shoulder - which sucks - is only going to get worse. From the MRI's and the CT scans I saw, even I know I'm going to need surgery. I also WILL need pain medication, I even asked the surgeon and my chronic pain doc. They both said this surgery will be REALLY painful. I was told by my surgeon that she's never seen a shoulder this fucked up. She had to consult with her mentor and her colleagues on how to approach it because in 20 years of practice she's never seen the problem I have.

I'm really having a tough time figuring out what to do for the next 2 months until the surgery. I've applied for a few jobs, but they ask how long I plan on working there, and I don't lie... so...

 

[PsySci]

I can't even really think about what my question really is. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you keep your spirits up when you know your life is going to be/is shitty? Who do I talk to when I have no one to talk to?

Yes.

I don't know how to keep my spirits up - but I'm really good at trudging through misery - if you go through the motions of living eventually the pain subsides. I just went through my most hellish 3 weeks in a decade and snapped out of it when a friend told me to quit the pity party...but for the decade in between it was long slow try try try try try try try try try try try again...and I still have to try I don't know how many more times and I still don't know if I will ever reach my goals (i.e. getting a girlfriend). Oh wait, I do know how to keep my spirits up (I'm very forgetful) - it's called the power of positive thinking/cognitive behavioral therapy. You just try, try, try again to replace your negative thoughts with positive ones, always look on the bright side of things, etc.

Why the fuck happened to this friendly, intelligent kid with a bright future...

He had a dark past. Lasted longer than you thought it would...but it will make for a better story that way. If they are going to make a movie about you it will be much better for the additional pain and drama.

One of my personal heros is a local guy, I think he is homeless but we've never been sure. Quite sure he was an IV meth addict based on his arms, face, sweats, rapid crazy speech, but I think he's sober now. He's very crazy, I don't think it was the drugs though, but he bought a motorcycle a few years ago, drove across the country visiting old friends, and then he made a mistake and got run over by a semi. That cost him most of one leg. I think it was under a year and he was back on the motorcycle. He lost or sold it eventually but still rides a bike.

I hope to come out ahead compared to that guy...but if it comes down to it I want to be the guy who lost his mind AND his body and kept on truckin'.

 

[bennyZA]

I just want these medical problems to end so I can focus on making my life legit. I can't work and shit like that... I'm on permanent disability at 26... depressing

 

[ad lib]

When is your surgery?

Keep us updated

 

[neversickanymore]

your brain seems anything but disabled.. find a cure for you or someone else

 

[bennyZA]

When is your surgery?Keep us updated

July 29th... can you believe that. I have to wait 2 more months. I have no idea what to do. I was going to move into a Buddhist temple as an apprentice July 1st for the next year (maybe more) and I was so excited. My life was going to finally get back on track. I have been living with my mom, and when she heard that I can't move to the temple anymore and have to have this surgery she literally broke down in tears.

your brain seems anything but disabled.. find a cure for you or someone else

That's the worst part. I'm a very intelligent person (whatever, I know I'm being narcissistic, but it's true) and I can't hold down a job because of these injuries AND I was diagnosed with a severe form of epilepsy a couple years back that is only partially controlled, which also makes it impossible to hold down a job. So I'm just stewing here. Every time I try to work, something happens. I moved into the Buddhist temple in early March, but my shoulder kept dislocating and within 2.5 weeks they told me to come back when it was fixed... I just want to be on drugs all day every day until I can move into the temple.

So what have I been up to in the last few days? Well, I'm doing better. I took a heroic dose of LSD, which has always helped me with my depression in the past and I'm still processing it, but it was very good and I feel better. I just need to write this stuff down in an angry voice to let it out, you know what I mean? What else have I been doing? I've been making sure to go to temple to do evening zazen (sitting meditation) and stay for the service (chanting, bowing, etc.)

Still though, I just want this to be over and I want to move to the temple.

 

[neversickanymore]

Patience.. IT will unfold. what does holding down a damn job (i have one, and I would much rather study) have to do with your ability to study, learn, and create intellectually? you don't need anyone to tell you its alright to do, or that you are allowed to do this, or that you are capable of doing this... YOU ARE.. find something that intrigues you.. read about it, when you come to a part that you need to learn about, learn about it. you can make it anywhere you want to go intellectually, don't let any illusion otherwise hold you back What are you going to teach us?????????????? libraries are everywhere and they will deliver books to your recovery room and pretty nurses will turn their pages, stop looking for all the bad and focus on the good

 

[bennyZA]

Patience.. IT will unfold. what does holding down a damn job (i have one, and I would much rather study) have to do with your ability to study, learn, and create intellectually? you don't need anyone to tell you its alright to do, or that you are allowed to do this, or that you are capable of doing this... YOU ARE.. find something that intrigues you.. read about it, when you come to a part that you need to learn about, learn about it. you can make it anywhere you want to go intellectually, don't let any illusion otherwise hold you back What are you going to teach us?????????????? libraries are everywhere and they will deliver books to your recovery room and pretty nurses will turn their pages, stop looking for all the bad and focus on the good

It's funny you say this... This is what I do with my life. All I do is read, read, read. I get calls from friends just because they need answers for trivial shit. Whether it's an argument over what's the biggest desert in the world (the Antarctic Plateau, btw) or they need to know about a drug they are about to do (I have a great memory so I will recite the Erowid page, info I've seen on Bluelight, etc), I'm the go to guy. My nickname in college was the mad scientist, and when I started with my entheogen period, my nickname was the alchemist. My friends these days call me the Walking Wikipedia. Thing is, I need to do more than just read and learn. I even am a volunteer and writer for Erowid. Even though I network quite well and everyone always tells me how smart I am, no one will give me a job that befits my level of intelligence. The only way I make money right now is freelance writing. I'm a very good writer, and knowledgeable, so I write about all sorts of subjects for all sorts of people.

My intelligence actually depresses me a little. I almost wish I was stupider sometimes, it's a burden.

Wow, this post makes me sound like I'm sucking my own dick... I'm really not a narcissist, I swear.

 

[neversickanymore]

Intelligence can be a burden.. what is your purpose? pretty damn illusive isn't it.. and intelligence makes it worse as it opens so many doors to choose from...

 

[bennyZA]

"How sweet it is to be loved by you, by you." Oh man... I don't know what I'd do without you guys sometimes. I'm not a regular poster, I read much more, but when I do post. You guys are there for me. So now, what do I do for the next 2 months (to the day). Anyone have any good heroin connections in NorCal (I kid, I kid...)

 

[bennyZA]

I have some FANTASTIC news. First I want to say I'm not bipolar, so this up and down feeling isn't due to some psychological reason.

The doc called me this morning, someone cancelled their surgery and I'm taking their spot. This means that I'm going to have the surgery in 25 days instead of 2 months. This is a really, really big deal for me. The waiting has been killing me.