Going to a low self esteem group, what will it be like?

[lynx2051]

In April 2011 I was going through a pretty bad time. I won't go into details but I was pretty depressed and had anxiety. So I had CBT in July and it lasted up until October. I have now been refereed to a low self esteem group which will run over six sessions. As I have very little confidence and don't like social situations.

I just wanted to know if anyone has ever been to one? I'm nearly 20 and I keep imagining it's going to be full of older people. Not that I have a problem with people who are older that me, I'm worried I'll feel out of place.

 

[Dave]

It may very well not be-- I've never been to such a group, but from what I've heard from others who have done group therapy is that other than the common thread -- in this case: low self-esteem -- the groups are usually quite varied. You might be a bit on the younger side, but not necessarily the only under-25 in a room full of over 50s.

But, and I mean this at face value, and not in any derisory manner whatsoever, what good does worrying about it do? The group has already been formed, and you are committed to going to at least the first session, if not all six. If there are people who are older than you there, then there could be the opportunity to learn from their experiences, or at least put a human face to the fact that low self-esteem is incredibly common. Your anxiety is messing with you.

Try a little mindfulness exercise: looking objectively, are there any stressors in the room with you right now? I'm guessing that you're at home, someplace comfortable, in front of a computer-- probably a laptop. You are in a very comfortable place, where your physical needs have been met, and there are no physical or psychological threats at this exact moment, yes? I know from personal experience that anxiety is not rational, but you can use rationality to help limit it when it gets out of control-- the future has not yet happened, therefore there is no reason to get anxious over it. Plan for it, sure, but building expectation for future events either causes stress and anxiety now or huge disappointment later. Things very rarely turn out exactly how we expect they will; for people like us who tend to have a negative outlook on future events, IME it is never as bad as I expect, and if things go badly it is in an entirely unseen way; for those with rosy outlooks (I've been assured that they exist ) or those who are planning a large, positive event, the expectation for how good it will be usually eclipses the actual outcome, leading very often to disappointment.

The more that you can focus on the present, the less such worry and expectation will be able to cause you pain. It's a learned skill, not unlike CBT in many ways, and in the same way it takes time and practise to become adept. If you look around online, there are tons of resources - some better than others, as always - about mindfulness training. I think that you would benefit greatly from it; I know that I have!

Best of luck with your session, by the way! Do let us all know how it goes. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I'm interested in what such a group might be like.

 

[badfish45]

First of all good luck with your session. I can understand how if you don't enjoy social situations quite so much how this can be difficult for you. I think that you might find that you'll like the small social group part of it as well, the fact you're all basically in the same situation of understanding with each other. I absolutely hate social situations, as I have pretty bad social anxiety (I'm afraid to talk to some people that I know really well if they're in a big crowd of people). But I find when I'm able to step out and try and see the whole situation from an entirely different view is when it becomes easier. The whole "feeling" and mood of the situation changes and I see it as an entirely different goal, and in the end I'm usually glad I was able to step out and do something I know I wouldn't be comfortable with. I still even enjoy it if the end result wasn't quite what I wanted or expected because I accomplished something for myself

I think you'll be surprised the range of people's ages. I'm sure you expected I was some guy in my 20's living in an apartment until right now when I'm telling you I'm 15. Things are never as they seem, so I say go try it out and have something fun/relaxing (not drugs!) as a reward for yourself when you get back. Good luck :D

 

[lynx2051]

^^^ Could you give me an example of a social situation which you felt very uncomfortable in. For me most social situations I don't enjoy, but some I have no problem with, here is an example:

Say if I was asked to go for a job interview I'd have absolutely no problem talking with the interviewer, probably because it's only one person. I'm actually very good a job interviews, but I know a lot of people get nervous.

So say for example I got the job, and I met my work colleagues I would put this false act on, and pretend I'm talkative. Then after a few days I'll get back to my old shy self and not talk with anyone.

It's like I'm only shy when I've been around the person for over a week. But on first impression, I come across as quite confident.

Then because I'm quiet in a job, I'll get the impression that people think I'm dull and boring, like I am different to them and they won't like my real self. People have even said to me at school, college and in work places "Why are you so quiet".

So its like I have social phobia once I've got to know the person/people.


Edit: I don't really suffer from depression anymore like I used to, just low self esteem and social phobia.

 

[Vaya]

Not that I have a problem with people who are older that me, I'm worried I'll feel out of place.

It seems only natural, to me, that someone with low self-esteem might feel this way when confronted with an unfamiliar social and therapeutic situation. Hell, I would be surprised if the average person wouldn't feel a bit tense about it - being nervous about the future can be a healthy adaptation that readies us for several as-of-yet unrealized possibilities!

When we let our anxieties about the future trip us up and instill fear and doubt, however, is when we ought to take a step back and - as Dave pointed out - practice some mindfulness over the situation. Objectively speaking, this is a support group and not likely a group of judgmental peers. In the same vein, regardless of age, all those in attendance are there for the same purpose - to find support for low self-esteem. Naturally, any person of any age can suffer from this (and at one point or another I'm absolutely certain we all have struggled to some degree with it); remember this when you first enter the group and instantaneously begin comparing ages. You're there to feel comfortable with being you, not to be comfortable with yourself in relation to group members 1, 2, 3 and 4!

In these situations, it's pretty advisable to be "selfish" - that is, inwardly-seeking - and so (I'm aware of what a tall order this may seem to be) my suggestion is to make every attempt at examining your every emotion as you transition into the group, being totally aware of what it is you are feeling but not giving as much control to the emotions as you might normally find yourself giving. Emotions are something we all experience, but oftentimes our individual perception does not necessarily reflect reality, as it were.

You'll be fine Get excited, and do something rewarding for yourself after the first session! Let us know how it goes, for sure!

~ vaya

 

[Vaya]

So its like I have social phobia once I've got to know the person/people.

What do you consider your "real" personality to be?

I would be wary of diagnosing myself with "social phobia" when, in reality, I might have a naturally quiet temperament. And those two are very different things.

 

[lynx2051]

What do you consider your "real" personality to be?

I would be wary of diagnosing myself with "social phobia" when, in reality, I might have a naturally quiet temperament. And those two are very different things.

Just a quiet person who keeps himself to himself. The thing is I don't want to be quiet and timid. Yes you're right I shouldn't diagnose myself but I just don't like talking with people when there is more than one person.

For example, say if I go to my local shop and ask for something, I'll stutter my words, sweat terribly and blush. Then I'll want to get out of there as fast as I can.

 

[Vaya]

You may very well have some form of social anxiety - I do, and I recognize those symptoms in myself. What I meant to convey is that you ought to realize that that type of self-evaluation is far from concrete fact. It sounds as though you are placing a little too much effort and emphasis on how you are perceived by other people, as opposed to how you feel about yourself. Quiet people can be just as confident as extroverted folks; the thorn in the lion's paw, for most, is the quality of self-perception that goes along with being you. It's always okay to be you. And it's quite common for us to lose sight of that.

 

[lynx2051]

You may very well have some form of social anxiety - I do, and I recognize those symptoms in myself. What I meant to convey is that you ought to realize that that type of self-evaluation is far from concrete fact. It sounds as though you are placing a little too much effort and emphasis on how you are perceived by other people, as opposed to how you feel about yourself. Quiet people can be just as confident as extroverted folks; the thorn in the lion's paw, for most, is the quality of self-perception that goes along with being you. It's always okay to be you. And it's quite common for us to lose sight of that.

Yes, I told the CBT woman that I tent to over examine little things. Like what people are thinking about me, or if I say something stupid to someone I'll automatically know what they're thinking about me.

I've only got one friend of who I kept in touch with from college. I didn't really get on with people in school so I decided to go to a social group once a few months ago. There were people who were older than me from age 28-45. I wouldn't have gone if I hadn't been drinking, when I was there I didn't really care what people thought of me. But that's my problem, I don't want to rely on drugs just to make me sociable.

 

[Vaya]

Learning to rely on oneself when the alternative appears to be so much simpler is a very difficult thing to do, and is something that takes time and dedication. For the moment, remind yourself that you're okay, and that you're safe. Move into the next phase of your life one step at a time; no more, no less. You'll get there.



~ vaya

 

[lynx2051]

Thanks everyone, its next Wednesday so I'll come back and tell you how it went.

 

[Material541]

I have taken a self-confidence workshop at my college. It consisted of six hour long sessions, once each week. It was a small group, 6 of us total. It consisted of a lot of things, such as giving example of recent stressful social/performance situations and how you felt before, during and after the situation...learning about thinking errors (like mind reading; thinking you know what someone is thinking about you), recognizing them, and applying strategies to effectively deal with them...doing one thing a week that you've been avoiding because of the stress it brings (like making a phone call, talking to a school adviser, etc.).

Your group will hopefully be some variation of this, as it was very well paced for me and apparently most of the group as well -- and you can decide the pace you are comfortable with; if one stressful activity a week is too much, then there's no pressure for you to do it. For someone like me who had to be prodded and practically forced into this group, it was perfect.

But to answer your question, it would depend on where this group is...for example, mine was at school so everyone in it was in their early twenties. Not sure what other avenues there are for encountering and joining social confidence groups, but presumably there will be more age variation in a different environment. It really is remarkable though...I looked at the people in my group and from the outside, it seemed like they had nothing to be worried about. These were people from very different backgrounds. It has always amazed me powerful the mind is and how much it can bring you down.

 

[Vaya]

Loved what you had to share in here, Material541; especially that last paragraph. Fantastic insight; it was really interesting for me, personally, to read words from someone who has actually been to one of these groups, A
as I haven't really heard of this type of group before! I'm sure it's a fantastic experience

~ vaya

 

[goku4ever]

Are you in the UK TC? If so I think I know what thing it is you are going to. The NHS provide some therapy sessions and they are done in groups because its cost effective. You are never forced to talk about anything or to anyone if you don't want to though, and its not like where you sit in a circle and talk about yourselves. Its more of a seminar, where a psychologist will talk to you and explain why we feel the way we do and how low self esteem can occur and what you can to do battle that. Ive had the same thing but with a psychologist in 1:1 sessions. Its very helpful stuff. You get handouts too and its completely free. They do a variety of courses such as anger management, self esteem, etc

 

[badfish45]

^^^ Could you give me an example of a social situation which you felt very uncomfortable in. For me most social situations I don't enjoy, but some I have no problem with, here is an example:

Say if I was asked to go for a job interview I'd have absolutely no problem talking with the interviewer, probably because it's only one person. I'm actually very good a job interviews, but I know a lot of people get nervous.

So say for example I got the job, and I met my work colleagues I would put this false act on, and pretend I'm talkative. Then after a few days I'll get back to my old shy self and not talk with anyone.

It's like I'm only shy when I've been around the person for over a week. But on first impression, I come across as quite confident.

Then because I'm quiet in a job, I'll get the impression that people think I'm dull and boring, like I am different to them and they won't like my real self. People have even said to me at school, college and in work places "Why are you so quiet".

So its like I have social phobia once I've got to know the person/people.


Edit: I don't really suffer from depression anymore like I used to, just low self esteem and social phobia.

I'd be glad to. So I'm in marching band which at my school is like 100+ people. Now considering the fact that I'm posting on a drug forum, it's safe to assume I don't have much in common with most of the kids there. Even though I am friends with quite a few during the season, anywhere else I'm way to afraid to talk to them, because they all like to talk in groups, and my social anxiety doesn't allow me to be able to join big groups of people. I don't know all these people as well as they know each other but that's what almost scares me the most. If anything I'm more afraid they won't like what I say or that we just won't ever have anything in common. Don't feel the need to put a fake mask on, just talk and be yourself and you'll find people that you'll truly connect with.

 

[RedLeader]

^
So say for example I got the job, and I met my work colleagues I would put this false act on, and pretend I'm talkative. Then after a few days I'll get back to my old shy self and not talk with anyone.

It's like I'm only shy when I've been around the person for over a week. But on first impression, I come across as quite confident.

Then because I'm quiet in a job, I'll get the impression that people think I'm dull and boring, like I am different to them and they won't like my real self. People have even said to me at school, college and in work places "Why are you so quiet".

I don't really get dull and boring, as much as a few times people have confused my shyness/introveted-ness for me thinking I was above them or too good to associate with them. And the reality is that usually I fear not being good enough to associate with them. This tends to embarrass me a lot and further the uncomfortable feeling of the situation if brought up.

On a related note, people will also assume that just because I'm being more quiet than the group, I am not having (as much) fun.

You just have to remind yourself that people who are very outgoing and do talk a lot feel uncomfortable when they have to be quiet for longer periods of time, since it does not feel natural to them. It's hard for them to imagine how someone's more comfortable state would be a quieter one. So they may struggle to understand this, and they may not even know that you're a naturally quiet person (as opposed to an extrovert who currently has "something wrong").

 

[lynx2051]

Are you in the UK TC? If so I think I know what thing it is you are going to. The NHS provide some therapy sessions and they are done in groups because its cost effective. You are never forced to talk about anything or to anyone if you don't want to though, and its not like where you sit in a circle and talk about yourselves. Its more of a seminar, where a psychologist will talk to you and explain why we feel the way we do and how low self esteem can occur and what you can to do battle that. Ive had the same thing but with a psychologist in 1:1 sessions. Its very helpful stuff. You get handouts too and its completely free. They do a variety of courses such as anger management, self esteem, etc

It is through the NHS yes. As I had CBT for my anxiety/low confidence about six months ago. Then they asked me if I'd like to attend a low self esteem group and I said yes. It's based at a health centre.

 

[Dave]

I don't really get dull and boring, as much as a few times people have confused my shyness/introveted-ness for me thinking I was above them or too good to associate with them. And the reality is that usually I fear not being good enough to associate with them. This tends to embarrass me a lot and further the uncomfortable feeling of the situation if brought up.

Story of my life, right there. If I had a nickel for every person from my past who has gotten to know me recently, and who told me that they thought that I was stuck up or aloof, I'd have at least tree-fiddy. That's not to say that I'm much better now, but usually better enough that people are at least able to get to know me a bit IRL now.

On the plus side, feeling incredibly inadequate has motivated me to learn as much as I can about as many fields as I can, so that I can at least be a repository for trivia!

 

[lynx2051]

It went really well, even though I didn't speak very much in this first session, but not many of us did. There were only six of us altogether. The age range was between 22-30. There was only one woman in her 50's who must have felt a bit embarrassed.

It was really good, and I could empathize with peoples stories. Much better than one-on-one CBT. As that used to make me feel quite lonely.

It was a good change to see some nice people.

 

[Vaya]

It was really good, and I could empathize with peoples stories. Much better than one-on-one CBT. As that used to make me feel quite lonely.

It was a good change to see some nice people.

Dude, this made my day to read! Way to go... it's always tougher imagining the worst-case scenario before the event even happens, isn't it?
I'm happy for you that you're age didn't make you feel as though you stood out too much. Even though support groups tend to focus on being blind to practical differences between people such as gender and age, worrying about those factors can heavily contribute to loss of faith in the groups.

You're lucky; think of all the gratitude you left the meeting with!
How often does this group meet? It sounds like it really boosted your self-esteem after only one visit

~ vaya