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Going through hell again

H

hockey4life

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 12, 2013
Messages
51
Hey guys, haven't posted in a very long time... (February 2014).. you guys helped me kick heroin back in December 2013, and it was my very first time going through withdrawal. For those who remember I was very naive, and had dreams of chipping recreationally, not thinking I'm an addict etc.. Turns out EVERYTHING all the members here told me was 100% accurate.. I was clean for about 4 months, picked the dope back up in May 2014, and started shooting it, something I told everyone I would never do, it only took about 4 days to get readdicted physically another thing i was told would happen after my first habit that I didn't believe! Started pumping 1.5 grams a day through my veins all of summer 2014.. The withdrawal was easily 10x more painful and intense compared to my first 3 month half gram per day snorting habit (fall 2013) that you guys helped me kick.. Long story short I lost everything by the end of last summer and was sectioned (placed under court order by force to detox in a locked down prison like facility). The pain was unbearable, I know now what it means to get SICK... The detox lasted about 5 days. After 3 weeks I was released (September 2014). The pain of that cold turkey withdrawal scared me straight!!! I was clean for eight months and life was great I had money, trust, got a wonderful girlfriend etc.!! Unfortunately in the very end of may 2015, I was hanging out with old using friends and in the blink of an eye I sniffed a tiny line of dope.. It felt like the very first time i tried heroin. A few days go by and I figured might as well shoot it once for old time memories ( retarded I know). After that first shot it led to the classic,"well I can get away with 2 days without getting sick, I've been clean for 8 months what's 3 days.. I'll stop after this weekend etc." this rationalizing use has been going on for five weeks of everyday use between .5g -1gram a day all done through IV ROA :(!!! So I guess I'm here for support again, last shot was 13 hours ago I plan on nipping this in the bud before it gets severe like last summer! I will be detoxing cold turkey I have no access to suboxone/ benzos. Wish me luck guys, I'm going to need it!! P.s I'm posting from my phone sry I can't break this up into paragraphs - hockey4life
 
Sorry to hear you relapsed brother. As easy as it is to get down on yourself for it, don't let it get to you. Opiates are really hard to kick and I find myself longing for that feeling many years later. It just seems to take care of so many things on an emotional level. Not surprised about getting solid info from BL. Lots of amazing, knowledgeable members here.

I don't care what anyone tells you, you can kick cold turkey, sure, but coming from someone who has used and abused a lot of substances it's always better to taper. You haven't been on that long but I get WDs nowadays after a week of light use. They seem to get worse and more unbearable for me. If you have it in you, which I am sure you do, try and ween down. I don't care if it's heroin, subs, benzos, psych drugs, whatever, taper, taper, taper. I believe rapid discontinuation of an substance isn't good for the mind or body and can do a lot of damage some of which is long-term. I believe a good taper will reduce PAWs but I don't have anything to back that up, just a guess from kicking a bunch of drugs.

Whatever you do, please don't get on maintenance therapy. Methadone and subs are more manageable but the WDs are worse than if you just initially kicked and it can go on for a very long time. I hear of people all the time with a few month habit and a decade of maintenance therapy. If you can get oxy or something with a known mg level try and taper. If you can't do that, or can't afford oxy (which is super pricey) try and use the same batch of H and use less and less. Try and not use IV if you can because the reward is too high. Maybe use a nasal solution instead.

I was on subs for a long time 24 mg/day for about three years. The WD was rough and I had to do it with a hefty xanax habit too. The month long withdrawal traumatized me and left me in pieces. Like I had to relearn how to walk and didn't know who I was pieces.

Get some neurontin, some phenibut, some clonadine or tenex and fight this thing. You are truly fighting for your life. I have many friends that have died and have many friends still strung out that could die any day bc of opiates. Taper slow and don't let the withdrawal get you down. You will be better on the other side, always remember that.

My thought and my prayers are with you man. Hang in there and fight. Let me know if you need any extra support or anything else. I'll be happy to help in any way that I can. <3
 
Well the good news is the withdrawal won't be as bad as it was in the lockdown place since you've only been using a month. Tapering is always a good idea but i think it's impossible if heroin is all you have access too. Can you get some loperamide? That will help the withdrawal a lot in doses of like 4-8mg. Weed also is nice. You can get through it man your strong. But as your learning quitting is one thing staying off is another. You need some kind of support man. Whether its friends family girlfriend AA whatever. It's gonna be tough to do by yourself but not impossible of course.
 
Agreed with crimson on the loperamide. It won't kill all the withdrawals but a big fat dose (note: unhealthy but it helped) of it will at least take care of most intestinal distress. I'm 5 days out of a relatively light habit and with loperamide I barely felt anything but chills, first time I was able to work during withdrawal (software, mind shit is fucking impossible in w/d). Remember tho I had a very light habit, 1 week after relapsing I went right back to quitting. I'm off the loperamide now, halved my dose on day 3 and no dose day 4. Out of the woods physically, but I can hear that bitch calling my name.

That said, I've found that as SOON as I'm out of w/d heavy workouts are a must to stay clean. That's just me but if you can get yourself out there after it will help.

Anyway, you can do it buddy! It hurts for a little while but get out and then leave that shit behind!
 
Thanks for the support everyone! I definitely agree that tapering is the way to go.. Unfortunately the only opiate I have access to is heroin (east coast powder).. Honestly I'm very mentally weak with this drug guys, and I struggle with tapering it.. For example last night I grabbed roughly a half gram after work with the full intention to taper! i broke the bag out into roughly three .15g-.2g lines... I told myself after work I would just sniff a line and see how I feel ( basically just take the edge off)... However I found myself just staring at the lines for a solid 20 minutes... I couldn't get myself to snort it with the straw, perfect lines, everything ready to go etc.. Then I sort of snapped out of no where and I pushed two of the lines together forming about a .35-.4g pile and instantly threw it into a fresh pin and slammed it! It happened so fast it was like I was possessed.. Instantly felt a better than normal rush since I had gone about 21 hours with nothing.. And after the rush wore off I was like, "21 hours down the drain." It's such a vicious cycle.. I know I should grab the loperamide, I've heard wonders about that stuff! Well right now I'm at about the 13 hour mark again same as my first post yesterday! It pisses me off because I know that I could have been at around the 36 hour mark right now... For me its those first 72 hours or 3 days that are the worst... After 72 hours ime its all downhill.. But its getting through those 3 days and 3 nights, particularly the 24-72 hour mark that's going to be a battle! Will post later! - hockey4life
 
Don't beat yourself up man. This is probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life. I know it was for me. I think you need to get some comfort meds if your for real about quitting. I don't know anyone who has ever successfully done it cold turkey by choice. Ie not in jail or rehab. Get yourself some benzos, loperamide, clonidine, muscle relaxer, weed, and ibprofin. Or as many of those as possible. A trip to the walk in the box doctor will get you the clonidine, muscle relaxer, and maybe the benzo of your lucky. After getting your kick kit together you need to get at least 4 days off work.

Or you cold go to detox and they will take care of all that for you. I'm not a big fan of rehab because they never did shit for me. But if your a religous person they might can help as in my experience the 12 steps is easier for god believing people to swallow. But yeah man hanfpg in there it's a marathon not a sprint.
 
Ya dude I agree with everything your saying, cold turkey straight up sucks, unfortunately that's how I've kicked almost every time.. It sucks I used to be able to get oxycodone ( OC back in the day and the blue 30mg IR's) but I haven't come across any since February 2014.. I haven't done any prescription painkillers since about April 2013... I figured weak/ beginner level opiate pills ( Hydrocodone, very low doses of oxycodone) would help taper, because I find it impossible to taper with heroin.. If I have enough its very difficult to do enough to just stop the withdrawal without going for the high that we all learn to love and hate lol.. Right now I'm at 14.5 hours... I'm starting to get that slight "nervous feeling" knowing that the sickness is well on its way and will be arriving within the next hour or 2.. About to go back to work, will post later!! - hockey
 
hockey4life said:
Ya dude I agree with everything your saying, cold turkey straight up sucks, unfortunately that's how I've kicked almost every time.. It sucks I used to be able to get oxycodone ( OC back in the day and the blue 30mg IR's) but I haven't come across any since February 2014.. I haven't done any prescription painkillers since about April 2013... I figured weak/ beginner level opiate pills ( Hydrocodone, very low doses of oxycodone) would help taper, because I find it impossible to taper with heroin.. If I have enough its very difficult to do enough to just stop the withdrawal without going for the high that we all learn to love and hate lol.. Right now I'm at 14.5 hours... I'm starting to get that slight "nervous feeling" knowing that the sickness is well on its way and will be arriving within the next hour or 2.. About to go back to work, will post later!! - hockey
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Just remember to not play the head games with yourself. Before you even start kicking if at all possible keep a positive mindset going in. It's tough enough with the real physical symptoms, but an idle mind is your enemy in withdrawal. Buy a new game or watch some series on netflix, and start then / get engaged BEFORE the major symptoms kick it. It keeps your mind off of it and makes the time go wayyyyy faster than laying miserable in the dark staring at the clock counting the seconds of misery.
 
22 hours since the last high.. Symptoms so far include dilated pupils, yawning, a general tired/unwell feeling, a few flashes of goosebumps (its 70 degrees F out ) and a ball of anxiety in my stomach for what's to potentially come... Trying to not think about it/ pretend that its just another day... Right now its not bad at all. My last detox in prison ( the sectioning... {they say your not a prisoner or it doesn't go on your record, just committed by law because my mom got a court order telling a judge that I'm actively using heroin everyday to detox for anywheres from 14-90 days CT}) was way more intense... I had severe pain in my bones, extreme restlessness, and was puking by the 24-27 hour mark! So I know it could be way worse god forbid.. I'll post later guys, usually for me the withdrawal really "steps up" a notch after 24-25 hours.. Its 8:30pm now I'm very curious how I'll feel by 4:00am which will put me at 30 hours if I keep pushing through.. Keeping my fingers crossed! - hockey
 
Good luck man. A lot of us have been in that spot before, or I know I have many times. I greatly sympathize for you because there's just nothing good about WD. It's pretty hard but I've noticed if I could focus on something, like a TV show/movie or some music it'll sort of take my mind off of the WD. Otherwise that's all I'm focusing on and it gets tiresome after a while.


I'm usually so uninterested in doing anything during WD that music has to just come on or something good on TV has to just come on because I don't have enough interest into looking for anything to listen to or watch.
 
Thanks for the support carl! Update: I'm now 34 hours in completely cold turkey.. Last night I drank about 4 shots of vodka in about 90 seconds and it knocked me right out since I never drink anymore these days.. This is a trick I sometimes do during the first night of withdrawal, just drink enough to cause some drowsiness without the hangover.. As of since I've woke up the symptoms are the anxiety is increasing, I feel very weak almost as if its a challenge just walking up a staircase, yet at the same time I have the wired feeling going ( restlessness), light sweating and goosebumps periodically, and some minor aches in my legs.. Just started an 8 hour work shift, so I should be at the 42 hour mark when I leave! Even though this is mild so far compared to my previous kicks, it honestly still sucks! Remember I haven't felt withdrawal in almost a year! At least last summer when I was kicking way harder everyday before I got high, I was almost sort of used to it lol.. It sucks my parents have no sympathy for me, my dad always says to me when I'm withdrawing , " I don't have any sympathy for you at all, you do this to yourself/ this is why heroin is such a fun drug to do." Will post later, hoping this shift flies by.. - hockey
 
Been there done that man. Legit CT from the east coast too. It's not fun but you made it once you can make it again. You can't get xanax? Or any benzos or subs to do a taper. Sorry if you answered that already im exhausted and falling asleep haha.

Get the drugs you need.

No offense if you are serious about quitting why did you still have dealers # in phone?? I mean who are we fooling here?
 
Thanks for the support NY! unfortunately I have the #'s memorized forwards and backwards.. It sucks. Exactly 36 hours in right now.. New Symptoms having been showing up and the originally ones are increasing in severity over the last 2 hours.. Now I feel nausea, and have been fighting the urge to get sick (maybe its because I drank a cup of expresso coffee on an empty stomach), also I have been sneezing 2-3 times in a row every 30 minutes, the ache in my legs is causing me to want to keep moving them around since it gives temporary relief ( easier said than done though I'm working in an office building right now)... Yawning and the watery eyes crap is almost constant also at this point. For me personally, I know I'm moving towards the peak of the withdrawal which hits around 48 hours for me ( the second night usually).. The next 36 hours is the stretch that is the toughest for me! - hockey
 
Oh I forgot to mention, I can't get Xanax, or suboxone... My friend has about 10 bars, and 5 8mg strips, but he refuses to give them out because he said he can't get more and is saving them for his attempt to quit ( which is always "tomorrow").. Also I pretty much stopped smoking pot.. Only have smoked twice in the last 2 years.. So I can't even get some bud right away if I wanted to... Also hardly any alcohol consumption in the last 2 years... Pretty much the last 2.5 years of my life have been heroin or nothing as far as substance use goes... I do smoke cigs but that's about it besides the ops! -hockey
 
Sounds like your making it through ok! Your withdrawals are probably peaking in severity right now so just keep in mind that it won't get much worse than it is right now. In another 36 hours you will be through the worst if it. You got this man.
 
Thanks crimson for the advice! Ya I agree with ya dude, its the 36-72 hour stretch that's a mother******! Right now I'm approaching 40 hours, and the symptoms are the same... but the restlessness, anxiety, and pain in my legs have really increased in the last eight hours or so.. It sucks I feel like I have to constantly move/walk somewhere... And the anxiety is causing the increased heart beat/blood pressure which just aggravates the other symptoms.. Honestly I binged for a little over a month everyday all IV.. I knew it wouldn't be fun.. The addict in me will always love heroin but I accept that it comes with a price which is this... My buddy whose been an addict way longer than me always told me, " once your an addict, if you wanna have fun and get high anymore than a day or 2, expect to pay the price for 3-4 days afterwards!" That's exactly what I'm doing right now! I'm in the tunnel as neversickanymore calls it! I'm searching for the light! - hockey
 
Stay strong, hockey. Remember that there is an end to the physical suffering and as far as the psychological aspects (anxiety) go, well, that's really where you have to have some faith that you can learn new ways to minimize that feeling. It's created in your own mind so it can be negated in your own mind. It takes practice and being willing to be uncomfortable for a stretch but the payoff is huge.<3
 
Thank you for the support and kind words! Unfortunately I put myself in a horrible situation last night that caused me to crack at exactly 48 hours.. My friend who I grab stuff from fronted me half a gram from a few days ago ( I mention it earlier in the thread where I tried to sniff a small portion of it and failed). I paid him back last night, but when I saw him he's like, " I got another .5g right in my pocket waiting for ya bro with your name on it!" I was weak, in the peak of my withdrawal (48 hours/ exactly 2 full days in), and it was basically 18 inches away from me..and i took it ;(... It sucks but I'm all about honestly guys.. I'm not going to just pretend my life is all roses and butterflies and that I'm still clean, or just stop posting.. I can only move forward and learn from my failures.. About to go to work ladies and gents.. Talk to you later! - hockey
 
Relapse happens man your not disappointing anyone here that's for sure. Honestly there is nothing better than getting well after a few days of misery anyway. Next time you try to kick I really urge you to acquire some comfort meds. Your really torturing yourself for no reason by not using them.
 
Thanks crimson I plan on still trying to quit! I say try because it obviously hasn't been going as easily as I thought! And ya dude I know i should get those comfort meds! It sucks that I suffered 2 days and basically just "reset" the withdrawal all over again! Can't tell you how many times I've done that in my life lol.. Get to day 2 or 3 and just hit the reset button and get high, its so depressing a day or two later when your back on day 2 or 3 but know you could be on day 4 or 5 and be done with the intense 36-72 hour peak and feeling normal !! But I won't give up! - hockey
 
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