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Going Sober, Swear to God

Your post asked if you were addicted. It sucks it doesn't get you high anymore, and it's great you're tapering, but you said yourself after two days your cravings get intense. If you ended up in the hospital twice already because of the high doses you're taking, and you are willing to risk getting arrested to get more, then yes, you're addicted. That's my opinion, you can take it in or reject it as you see fit, but I'm just answering your question :)

There's no shame in being addicted. I'm addicted to opiates. But the first step to changing is admitting you have a problem in the first place.
 
I know I'm addicted, I've been on them for 2 years, I said I was quitting and was already starting to look better.

Just looked in the mirror for 5 minutes because I was fascinated by my own eyes. Have to say they look innocent after all I've been upto (more than a thing or two). But they almost haven't changed since I was a child. I look like the woman with the child in her eyes.

Then again, I've never sold myself, done any serious crimes, or hurt anyone on purpose (though I have unintentionally). But I suspect this has also to do with my spiritual connections/consciousness that have allowed me to retain a certain degree of purity. This is good as it lessens my feelings of guilt and self-loathing (as most here should know).
 
Ok, I don't even know how that happened :/ I'm sorry Ninae, that was actually supposed to be a reply to another post, the "DXM" post. I have no idea how it ended up here. I swear I'm not high, lol. Mods could you possible delete my above two posts?
 
Ninae said:
I've now cut down from 4 benzos three times a day to 3 three times a day.

I know it's still a lot, but at least it's not an obscene amount, and allows me to do it without any discomfort.

I plan to cut down on half a pill a week every time I take them from now on.
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That's progress indeed…. Especially near the low doses it gets more difficult. Benzos take time.. one has to be so very strong and dedicated.. It was so very difficult for me to do. Congrats on making a leap to a smaller dose! :)
 
Ok, I will.

I'm feeling pretty cranky today. Not that I'm in pain but I don't have any relief either.

Just trying to do it slowly so it won't be too comfortable and I won't lose it and do something crazy, as I have no impulse control.
 
I'm going to watch "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" to cheer myself up. Her beautiful, spiritual, angelic presence is always so uplifting to feel. Love Marilyn Monroe, but hate what they did to her. They always try to destroy the high-consciousness souls on Earth, in one way or another.
 
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Oh no. I see UEI has become available again. It was always my "drug" of choice and in a whole other league than benzos. And even more expensive now.

Doubt I'll be able to leave it completely alone, to be honest, but I'll never get into addiction again. Not that it's so bad compared to other withdrawals and addictions but it's still an addiction and affects your life profoundly. Basically plant-morphine.
 
To make a small update - my taper is still going well. I'm down to 2.5 three times a day, or 7,5 a day now. Next week I'll cut down to 6 a day, then 1.5 three times a day.

It's going painlessly so far as I'm still taking quite large amounts. I find cutting down from large amounts isn't really much of a problem, as your body doesn't really need it, or it's excessive. It's taking away the MINIMUM your body needs that causes problems.

I wonder how I'll do with just 1 per dose. I probably have to stay on that for a while before I cut off, maybe a month, and maybe use a weaker benzo than Etizolam for the second half of the month.

I plan to use Valerian, L-theanine, and Magnesium when I quit (and for a bit leading upto it). Valerian can take away most WD symtomps if you take enough (like 3 grams a day). I've already had two seizures when my doctor under-dosed me. Put me on 10 mgs of a short-acting benzo twice a day - almost like getting nothing and the blood levels sink so low in the middle of the day.

It's mostly the seizure risk I'm worried about after quitting. Don't know how my body will adjust to that after being on it for so long (2 years).
 
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By the way, when I'm finally healthy and off the drugs I won't be posting here any more, so you'll have some peace from me at last.

Not that I don't appreciate the boards and its members, I just see it more as a place to hang out if you're on drugs to talk to people about drugs, or if you're so dysfunctional from withdrawal/tapering/ill health you can barely move so there's nothing else to do.

It's also a bad influence for anyone trying to stay off the drugs, to be honest, though I think I'll still be using occasionally just never want to get addicted or into daily using any more. Recreational use, like once or twice a month, is a lot different to daily addiction. So hopefully I'll be able to keep it to that.
 
Hi Ninae,

Great to hear your taper is going well. I bought some L - theanine a few weeks ago, and it seemed to help me sleep at night. I still take it on occasion. I notice the effects… and it's actually healthy for me, so I'll keep it up. I drink other teas but not green tea very often.
 
I plan to use it when I quit, or for the transfer period.

Have you tried honey & lemon water? It's delicious and very detoxyfying plus it alcalises your blood and make you feel much better.

Just squeeze the juice of one lemon in a cup of boiled water and add a table spoon of high-quality organic honey. It's easy to get addicted to (both for the taste and all the good it does your body). Health experts recommend it to start the day with. Honey has some very rare and precious nutrients and the detoxiants in both the lemon and honey makes up for the high sugar content.
 
Don't you think I had the pleasent suprise of being woken up by a call from the police today about two seized shipments (of Etizolam) in August?

Just now that I'd ordered my last 100, or the last I ever intended to order, just to last me enough to taper down with. It was only small amounts, like 50 or 100 in each, but I've already had MULTIPLE seizures, and even police searches in my home (I had one last winter after the customs had seized so many shipments, but I just admitted everything and explained the situation, and it was brought down to a fine).

He said they'll try to do the same thing now, but it might not be possible as they now have so much that has been imported in my name, so it might go up for trial in a few months. Oh well, I'm not really worried. No one will send me to prison, anyway, and I have all kinds of doctors, psychiatrists, and social workers to witness for me. Plus it will help my case that I have quit and stopped importing by that time.

The police here are kind, anyway, and I'm good with them and they don't have the heart to be too hard on me. They know it's not like I'm some large-scale gangster or seller, anyway, and I've never been involved in the illegal drug-scene where I live (that's the advantage of buying research chemicals) and they have much worse drug-users to worry about. All this for some Etizolam.

Plus, the prison queues are so long, many end up not having to serve their sentence in the end. I'm probably just looking at yet another fine (I'll never be able to pay them all down). Not exactly looking forward to a court-case, but at least I have a huge support-system of public officials after I've needed so much help over the past year, and they will probably sort it out somehow. (Just need to make sure my dad doesn't find out about any of this, as that's the last thing I need, he's always on my case as it is).
 
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LOL. But how many signs do I need?

You should have seen last summer. Talk about signs and crazy synchronicities. I knew it meant I either had to change the way I lived or kill myself, or things were just going to get worse and worse, until I ended up somewhere REALLY bad

And it has, just about escaped death from kidney failure/being put on dialysis last month. But I've been given so many extra chances. At least now I'm getting off it by my own initiative, and that's what's always needed.
 
Ninae said:
I plan to use it when I quit, or for the transfer period.

Have you tried honey & lemon water? It's delicious and very detoxyfying plus it alcalises your blood and make you feel much better.

Just squeeze the juice of one lemon in a cup of boiled water and add a table spoon of high-quality organic honey. It's easy to get addicted to (both for the taste and all the good it does your body). Health experts recommend it to start the day with. Honey has some very rare and precious nutrients and the detoxiants in both the lemon and honey makes up for the high sugar content.
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I could use something like that. I do have a lemon available, and honey. Going to make some tonight. Thank you for the tip -- My blood could use some alcalises! I have a lot of stagnation going on due to spinal issues. Thanks! More yang vs yin flow in blood. :)
 
Just don't get addicted :). If you add just enough honey to balance out the sourness of the lemon it's irresistable. It's like your body can't drink it soon enough.
 
The taper is going well enough, the challenge for me is more going to be getting my life back on track. I need to pull myself together and from next month need to try to get through at least 5 things in a day:

1) Take the time to prepare the most healthy, nutritious food 3 times a day (takes a fucking long time).

2) At least one hour exercise a day (this I don't mind so much once I get started).

3) Get through my extensive beauty routine (fine, but as I say, it's extensive).

4) Meditate once a day (kind of gotten out of the habit and can be hard to get motivated).

5) Do some hours of writing, and I don't mean BL or something useless like that (this it can also be hard to get motivated for).

Wow, getting through all that is going to take a lot of time and energy. I've been used to being lazy and doing nothing for so long, because I've been to ill to function, it's going to get hard to get used to. But I really want to live a more productive life.

Deserve a gold-medal if I can keep all that up over time.
 
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