Going into hospital tomorrow

[fizzymk]

Ive had a stressful day, I knew I was getting to the end of my rope, I ended up spending the rest of the money I had today and now I only have about thirty bucks to my name...Im going to honest here, I had every intention of suicide this morning, I was w/ding very bad, massive headache, could barely tie my shoes and get out of bed, I knew I didnt have the willpower to make it thru the day without copping, so my intention was to use, enjoy the good feeling one more time and then do the 'deed' and hopefully not wake up tomorrow morning (not going to mention the method I was going to use because I dont think its important).

about the time I was coming back home from copping, my ex-wife called and we got to talking, and I ended up going over her house and talking for hours, she was in tears, she knew I was using dope, but I dont think she knew how bad it was getting and the fact that Ive blown all my bill money on dope, I did tell her I was considering suicide, she has never been a drug user, so she really doesnt know how bad w/ds are.

I went to the store to get the 'things' I needed to do the 'deed' but I found I didnt have the balls, the more I thought about it, the less I thought I could really do it...my ex said something that kind of stuck in my head, she said, "how do you know death will make you feel any better"? I thought about this and the fact that no one really knows what happens when someone commits suicide, its quite the gamble!! Im not religious at all, and Ive never done anything super evil or bad, but I have no idea if I will be judged or end up somewhere MUCH worse than sitting here w/ding...that is what is keeping me from doing this tonight. Im quite pissed about this, as this seems like the best way out for my situation, but I dont have the balls (shrugs)...??

So, Ive decided tomorrow Im going to go into the ER and tell them Ive been thinking suicide and they will admit me to the behavioral ward,(Ive been in here 3 times in the past 10 yrs for severe w/ds from methadone, so I know the deal), they can hold a person for a 3 day 'hold, if they feel they are a danger to themselves or the public.

Im hoping they prescribe me something for the w/ds, I think if I could control these horrible feelings, I could get back to my life, but Im also kinda scared the number of years Ive abused/ used drugs, they have changed me for good and I will never be the person I was before all this shit.

This is the only thing I can think of, all the rehabs Ive called have like 3-4 week waiting lists or they want $3000 up front.

I hope this is the right decision.

 

[Allein]

I wish you the very best, I've only had to do the same once and I wasnt in withdrawal of any kind.

I can't say how you'll get on but looking back it was the best thing I could have done, I found the secure environment comforting after a while. I didnt have to pretend to anyone that I was OK or deal with anyone and for the first time in my life I started to see some of the things that had been eating away at me for so many years.

It wasnt a quick fix but it set me on a new path, one that has neevr seen me go back to being in quite such a bad way, I hope you find some comfort ,security and rest

 

[neversickanymore]

Good call fizz.. I doubt it was that you didn't have the balls, rather you still have hope and there is tons of hope. I really doubt you did any irreversible damage to your brain. Usually, thats really apparent. It amazing that this is what its like, has been for awhile right... missory. A good friend of mine used to turn to me at times and shake his head and smile so he didn't cry when he said, "worst thing in the world, worst thing."

Please remeber how it is, because memories are not accurate and change over time. So when your cravings come and they tell you and show you you are missing out on the best thing in the world.. you can call it out on its utter lies and tell it the only thing im missing out on is misery so bad it made me almost off myself. "worst thing in the world"

Addiction lies, lies, lies, and then lies some more. It sends us images and memories of this wonderful amazing thing.. its bullshit.. you deserve it, you have been so good, we can handle it this time, its going to be so good, its will be different this time, just take a little break, you have earned it and deserve it, .. and send "memories" of "actual" events and amazing feelings. They aren't even close to accurate, they are a fantasy billed as reality to manipulate and drive Us to use. Lies, propaganda, and lies.. "worst thing in the world"

How do you know if that little voice in your head is lying, if you can hear it its lying. if you can't its telling the truth. TRUTH

Learn to see how it works and to recognize its manipulations and you will no longer get played.. enough of getting played by this

You can do this.. couple of days in the woods and you slide out. Thank god its not the methadone right. Few days, wont be as bad as we always tell ourselves.

You got this, but then what are you going to do to try and beat the cycle.. have to break that fucking cycle.. have any ideas on what might work for you?

Sorry your struggling and hurting, but it made me smile to hear you say you didn't have the balls to kill yourself. Sounds to me like you had to much balls to kill yourself

How you going to claw outa the whole you dove in and find yourself looking at the start of a brand new life.. wont be all rainbows and unicorns, but here is your portal to where ever you decide to go.. I think its important to heal from the wounds of that addiction and anything else that needs debagging.. find a way to drop all that misery, if its locked on then we need to find the key so we can unlock that shit and set it down and jog away. keep that key, there is a weirdo that slinks around while we are all sleeping and locks new crap to us, so its good if we can unlock it right away when we get hit.

 

[Maya]

Goodluck op, the usual saying is that when you have reached rock bottom, you will slowly get back up. Most of us here on bl have exerienced the lowest and the most hopeless point in our lives. I see that mostly, this is part of addiction, we lose control and we lose ourselves to it making us feel like we have lost everything. In the end, however difficult it can be, it is up to us to make the change and to get back up on our feet to find our redemption and way out. You will find yours op. There is no God who can help you, it is the will that will get you through all of this.

 

[fizzymk]

Thanks for all the encouragement, it really made me think seriously about what Im going to do with my life and where Im going to start over. I think I absolutely have to somehow break all ties to my connections, not sure how, I mean, I can delete their number from my phone, but since I have so much contact with them, I know their number by heart, so I really think I would be best to put some major distance between them and where I live. I think thats the only thing that will ensure I cannot contact them.

But anywhere I go, Im sure I will encounter users, I dont know about anyone else, but ever since I started using heavy drugs, I can somehow spot other users, not sure how, but they seem to stick out to me, maybe its the way they talk, how they carry themselves, little subtle things that are kind of a 'tell'...anyone else notice this?

I will try to update my situation if I can, wherever I end up, again, thanks for all the great words of encouragement!

 

[Smoky]

Good luck to you, Fizzymk.

Suicide is killing the wrong person, the one that's addicted and wants out. There is another way and you see that… So glad you are getting help you need. I've been there, still close to feeling like I was dying a few months ago and here I AM. I thought about taking my life.
You are the only person you got… and deserve to live and not take the person away due to how you feel today. For me the pain was greater than staying the same and a moment of clarity made me quit and realize it was now or never.
Being scared is good! It's healthy to feel fear… it can be a wonderful motivator for change… as it gets you the help you need.

Behavioral health outta be able to get you into a medical detox in your area… And going into the hospital sometimes will get you there sooner, verses waiting on a rehab list. It does take a lot of courage to go into hospital.
And Users are everywhere, drugs… reminders. But, most important we take ourselves with us.. and encounter ourselves most often, but with inner peace and recovery the desire to use will eventually dissipate… as you will feel better with time. It does get better. Hang in there you're worth it.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Good luck mate.

In the UK turning up somewhere and saying you are thinking of suicide doesn't even get you close to a ward, so appreciate that bed and make the most of it.

You probably never will be the same person you were before all the drug abuse, but that doesn't mean you will be a worse person, just different. I like to think everything happens for reason and the crappy stuff is an opportunity for me to be strong and show strength of character which will build me as a person. Helps me get though the hard times.

 

[jennie76]

fizzymk Reading your post has made me sad. I hope you do go to the hospital today & get the help you need. Just know it will get better. It may take a little time, but it will. If you need a ear, feel free to send me a PM. I'm more than willing to talk or just listen, if that is what you need. I wish you the very best!

 

[mostly-human]

Good luck Fizz.

And, great post neversickanymore, I find it fascinating, the way that addiction quite literally controls and manipulates our thoughts. I know this isn't the time & place for deep philosophical discussion, but it's very interesting to think about, the way these thoughts we think of as our own, can actually be the direct effect of things messing with our brain chemistry, they're not really your thoughts, they're the addictions thoughts and like you said, they're total bullshit. Just a bunch of fucking lies and propaganda to make us rationalise something stupid.

 

[fizzymk]

Good luck Fizz.

And, great post neversickanymore, I find it fascinating, the way that addiction quite literally controls and manipulates our thoughts. I know this isn't the time & place for deep philosophical discussion, but it's very interesting to think about, the way these thoughts we think of as our own, can actually be the direct effect of things messing with our brain chemistry, they're not really your thoughts, they're the addictions thoughts and like you said, they're total bullshit. Just a bunch of fucking lies and propaganda to make us rationalise something stupid.

This is exactly right!!! It is literally someone else inside my head, and that person wants dope, so even though I had no money earlier, I was able to get together enough for a gram...Im driving home, thinking how stupid I am to continually give this much money away in return for a small grey rock LOL Im not getting screwed, I know that,cuz the past few times, they have actually given me more than what I paid for...quality is good too, I guess they like how much money I give them and they want to keep me happy. I even weighed the bag I got 4 days ago, I paid for a gram, but got a gram and 1/4...dont know if their scales are fucked up or they are just being nice..oh well.

Anyway, I tried going to hospital friday morning, this is the one I had been to twice before when going thru severe w/ds, once for an attempted suicide, the last time I was admitted into the behavioral ward for 3 days, but dont know if laws changed or what, but they basically told me they could not admit me, did not have the beds available and since I had not attempted a suicide there was little they do for me.

Anyone know if its worth driving to a different state, I live only 10 miles from state border, maybe try a hospital there?

They also warned me when someone keeps coming in for these kinds of things, at some point (once lady told me it was 3 times), then they automatically admit you to a state mental hospital...this is where the really crazy people are btw, so that kind of scared me.

This morning was really bad, I did not eat yesterday and was sipping on water when I got up, but kept having the runs, like every 15 minutes, i didnt know where it was coming from though..my stomach was in complete knots, had a splitting headache, sweaty, cold, then hot, etc.

Ive asked my connection if they can get ahold of some clonidine, xannies, or librium, so will see what happens, I know to keep getting dope is only prolonging this. I dont know how ANYONE can manage to get clean off this shit, I know deep down its the methadone, but geez, after 2 weeks, id think w/ds would be subsiding a little....??

Thanks for all the great replies, it means alot to me

 

[neversickanymore]

Good luck Fizz.

And, great post neversickanymore, I find it fascinating, the way that addiction quite literally controls and manipulates our thoughts. I know this isn't the time & place for deep philosophical discussion, but it's very interesting to think about, the way these thoughts we think of as our own, can actually be the direct effect of things messing with our brain chemistry, they're not really your thoughts, they're the addictions thoughts and like you said, they're total bullshit. Just a bunch of fucking lies and propaganda to make us rationalise something stupid.

This is exactly right!!! It is literally someone else inside my head, and that person wants dope,

Hey thanks!!

Yep, its an amazing thing when you realize your not running the show and never has. Take a second to read through post 2 and the chapter from Happiness Hypothesis chapter 1: The Divided Self in this thread The Brain and Addiction

Here are some other meds you could check out as well.

NSFW:

medications for acute opiate detox

The medications I would explore the use of for detox would be:
>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..

one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE< >here<
OR >Lyrica<
OR >phenibut<

>A BENZO BUT JUST AT NIGHT<
>a nsaid<
>melatonin<
tylenol
Senokot S is a stool softener and laxative. If you do not want the laxative you can go for strait stool softenerDioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate.

(Opi Withdrawal) what is the best comfort meds for opiate w/d?

Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal

Your going to do this!!

 

[Erikmen]

Fizz, what you ex said makes a lot of sense. Besides you will never know what happens if you, by ANY motive/means, don´t succeed.
I have seen people waking up numb, mute, and even totally incapable - physically speaking.
Life can be harsh but suicide is never a certainty. I wish you good. But..
..in my opinion, you could have more chances to be in the right place here, not incapable or mentally ill for good.

Just think about it. Methadone works. Suboxone works. Whatever you want to happen will work if you really want it.
If you are here and posting it maybe means that you do want to stick around, whether you realize it or not. So, give it a thought..
All the best!