Spent two hours last night writing my first blog and was tired that I hit some key that wiped everything out. So here I start all over.
I have been back in my home town for two nights and three days. I was very thankful last night for somewhere safe, drug and hassle-free to stay. See the night before a "friend" said I could stay at his place (which is filthy, unsafe and not drug free) but had changed his mind after he became intoxicated. I was told somewhere around 2 am that he changed his mind. So after wandering around town I returned to his home only to find him wanting me to join him in bed. Wasn't much surprised.
To start at the beginging of tale will take us to 08/20/09. I did a 2 bag shot of D (heroin), and had a bad reaction. My throat closed and I couldn't speak. I had chest pains and started sweating profusely. My ex at the time was to cop a large amount of crack and coke out of town so he didn't want to call anyone (911) or take me anywhere (hospital) because it would have f'd with his coping. He did end up staying, but left me laying in my room for 17 hours. He sent a friend to cop for him. I am fairly new to D and had thought I had shot some bleach with it. The next day I was at my brother's and sister-in-law's house and again I did a shot of the same D and had the same symptoms. They called 911. Tried to explain to the ambulance techs that I did not overdose, that I must have had a reaction to something it was cut with. But again, I had trouble speaking. They administered naracane (not sure of spelling), not once, but twice. AHHHH! By doing that it took what little bit of comfort I had away! I was discharged and brother and wife took me back to their house. My ex could not show his face anywhere because police respond to overdoses and he is wanted. My sister-in-law said I was to either go into rehab and get help or family was to disown me. her name is Colleen and we were friends before family for about 20 years, but I was soon to find out she wasn't the friend I thought she was. She had called all of my family, most were on vacation at the time. There was no reason to upset my parents. She arranged for me to enter rehab that Monday with the understanding that everything would be taken care of. I lost my home on the 21st because my ex failed to tell me that he hadn't paid the mortgage in some time. He had been smoking up the money. So Colleen said I could stay with them upon my return from rehab until I got on my feet. But after rehab and staying with OD for a couple weeks we made the trip home and during the ride I recieved a call from Colleen stating that there was a change of plans, they were having marital problems and I couldn't stay there. She knew I had no other options. Spoke to my family and they didn't offer for me to stay with them. I was blown away. Devasted. I thought we were close. I had always taken care of them. Paid there bills, took care of problems their animals etc. It's deep but I will not get into it. So now what. I was so embarassed. OD drove two hours + and had really nowhere to drop me. I've always had my shit together. This was a first. Anyway thats what caused me to pop that benzo and drink that beer. OD WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE!!! I was. I chose to f ck up. I reverted to old thought patterns and behaviors. So now my clean time starts all over. I can't explain my family's reasons for not offering. Maybe they think I'll figure it out. Maybe they don't realize that I really don't have anywhere to go. I'm too proud to ask. I don't feel I should have to. I've been taking care of myself for a very long time. Long before a child should have. My dad is an alcoholic. A somewhat functional one now after 40 some years. I took care of my family (5 bros an 1 sis) since I was 8. So that's why I'm confused by their not returning the favor. I can't let that get in my head. They are who they are and I can't change it. This is no longer my "hometown" or the family I thought they were. I have nothing but my children and my two days of clean time. Time to start all over somewhere else. Where and how. Not quite sure. Would like to hit a meeting tonight. Will be my first here.
I have been back in my home town for two nights and three days. I was very thankful last night for somewhere safe, drug and hassle-free to stay. See the night before a "friend" said I could stay at his place (which is filthy, unsafe and not drug free) but had changed his mind after he became intoxicated. I was told somewhere around 2 am that he changed his mind. So after wandering around town I returned to his home only to find him wanting me to join him in bed. Wasn't much surprised.
To start at the beginging of tale will take us to 08/20/09. I did a 2 bag shot of D (heroin), and had a bad reaction. My throat closed and I couldn't speak. I had chest pains and started sweating profusely. My ex at the time was to cop a large amount of crack and coke out of town so he didn't want to call anyone (911) or take me anywhere (hospital) because it would have f'd with his coping. He did end up staying, but left me laying in my room for 17 hours. He sent a friend to cop for him. I am fairly new to D and had thought I had shot some bleach with it. The next day I was at my brother's and sister-in-law's house and again I did a shot of the same D and had the same symptoms. They called 911. Tried to explain to the ambulance techs that I did not overdose, that I must have had a reaction to something it was cut with. But again, I had trouble speaking. They administered naracane (not sure of spelling), not once, but twice. AHHHH! By doing that it took what little bit of comfort I had away! I was discharged and brother and wife took me back to their house. My ex could not show his face anywhere because police respond to overdoses and he is wanted. My sister-in-law said I was to either go into rehab and get help or family was to disown me. her name is Colleen and we were friends before family for about 20 years, but I was soon to find out she wasn't the friend I thought she was. She had called all of my family, most were on vacation at the time. There was no reason to upset my parents. She arranged for me to enter rehab that Monday with the understanding that everything would be taken care of. I lost my home on the 21st because my ex failed to tell me that he hadn't paid the mortgage in some time. He had been smoking up the money. So Colleen said I could stay with them upon my return from rehab until I got on my feet. But after rehab and staying with OD for a couple weeks we made the trip home and during the ride I recieved a call from Colleen stating that there was a change of plans, they were having marital problems and I couldn't stay there. She knew I had no other options. Spoke to my family and they didn't offer for me to stay with them. I was blown away. Devasted. I thought we were close. I had always taken care of them. Paid there bills, took care of problems their animals etc. It's deep but I will not get into it. So now what. I was so embarassed. OD drove two hours + and had really nowhere to drop me. I've always had my shit together. This was a first. Anyway thats what caused me to pop that benzo and drink that beer. OD WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE!!! I was. I chose to f ck up. I reverted to old thought patterns and behaviors. So now my clean time starts all over. I can't explain my family's reasons for not offering. Maybe they think I'll figure it out. Maybe they don't realize that I really don't have anywhere to go. I'm too proud to ask. I don't feel I should have to. I've been taking care of myself for a very long time. Long before a child should have. My dad is an alcoholic. A somewhat functional one now after 40 some years. I took care of my family (5 bros an 1 sis) since I was 8. So that's why I'm confused by their not returning the favor. I can't let that get in my head. They are who they are and I can't change it. This is no longer my "hometown" or the family I thought they were. I have nothing but my children and my two days of clean time. Time to start all over somewhere else. Where and how. Not quite sure. Would like to hit a meeting tonight. Will be my first here.
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