going down hill fast

[gr33n3y3z]

Hey I've never posted here before.

But right now I'm in limbo,
I've been struggling with painkillers & Xanax addiction since I was 15 I will be 25 years old soon.
I'm sick and tired of this addiction. But so damn addicted at the same damn time to these drugs. I cannot stop myself from using, even though something inside of me wants to pull through out of this hell hole I'm in. (my addiction).
The drugs that I'm currently using now (Norco 10mgs, Morphine 10 mgs, Hydro 10mgs , Percocet 20mgs ,Xanax 1 mg)
I usually will combined some of these drugs together, but my tolerance is through the roof when it comes to opiates I'm taking more than 200 + mgs of the opiates. When it comes to Benzos hell I can down 15 mgs with beer every time I get my script for em'. And I get 100 zannys and then they are gone within 2-4 days.

Any tips to quit? I've become intolerable and irritable when I'm not using drugs. Sometimes I think about suicidal thoughts when I'm without drugs. But, I never could go through with it. I'm pushing everyone I love away.

If I posted this in the wrong place plz move it.

 

[spork]

I'm sorry to hear this. I can tell that you really want to quit now and that's promising. Have you talked to anyone about this, perhaps a therapist or support group or even a family member or close friend? I'm going to move this over to Sober Living where you should be able to get more advice. Take care.

 

[Mehm]

Can you afford to go to a treatment center? If not I would suggest a cheap or free detox then 90 meetings in 90 days. Good luck!

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Yes I can afford treatment. And I have tried a few years back, but I was too scared to be inpatient and being away from my son. He was only a year old at the time, I wanted to watch him grow, walk, learn how to say mommy. I thought if I was away from him that he wouldn't recognize me. Even though his dad told me that he would take video and bring him in too see me. IDK I just couldn't bare being a new mom away from her baby.

And I'm a great mother I don't neglect my son from anything. Me and his father are still together. I just want to get clean for myself and my family, I don't want my son to end up like his mom. Shit I mean im a very well dressed woman with a nice job, most people even family wouldn't know I was a "pill head".

Thank you for moving this Spork.

 

[fleabag73]

This is something I can relate to. For the most part, I'm free of opiates, no nasty sick shit anymore, I do still occasionally use them, perhaps a few times a month and never ran into W/D's, but lemme tell you how shitty and miserable it was to kick the daily shit, took a solid two weeks for me to really get thru the worst of it. My use was high, around 200-300mgs daily, my tolerance was fucking horrendous and not cheap either, lol. I eventually got into dope, and yes, the suicidal shit started with me as well. I could see what was happening to me, I just didn't know how to stop it, and I hated myself for it. The physical W/D is what terrified me the most. Kratom really helped me out with it, but it was awful, I won't lie. The benzos are another story, I still adore mine and THAT W/D I think is actually worse than opiates. That's something I highly recommend tapering off of. Your benzo use and opiate use is identical to mine. My shitty 90 1mg ativans are gone in under 5 days every goddamn month. That's a train I'd LOVE to get off of, but I'm just not ready to do it, I figure its about the only thing I've got left, I watch it with the opiates cuz I fucking LOVE those things way too much and I've got too much to lose now. My advice? Work on kicking the opiates first, you'll need the xannies if you plan on doing home "rehab", but if you decide to go to treatment, then they will taper you down off the benzos.

 

[caseface99]

^^Good luck continuing to use opiates a few times a month, after having a prior dependence, and not expecting any problems. 8)




And for the OP - You either need a professional detox facility, or at the very least be honest with a Dr. and have him help you with a SAFE & solid detox/taper plan. Don't even think about stopping your pills cold turkey - you could die.

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes it is important to take one step back from the immediate picture and focus on a bigger, more long-term picture. Your family is very important to you and certainly you and your husband are the entire world for your son at this point. Being there and holding down your job and keeping up appearances might seem important--and it is on one level--but truly healing the need for the drugs as well as addressing what underlies the addiction is what is best for you and your family in the long run. Getting clean, by whatever means possible (detox, rehab, meetings--your choice) is a first step. Figuring out what the drugs do for you and fixing that is the life-changer.

You are very brave to be confronting this. You should take a lot of pride in that. Build your courage and your determination and your forgiveness one step at a time. No step is insignificant--even the backwards and sideways ones! Think of it this way: you want to teach your son that when life gets hard he has the resources within himself to deal with it. There is only one way to teach this and it isn't words--it's actions. Learning to care for ourselves as parents is learning how to best be a parent to our children. You are a good mom and you are going be an even better mom through healing. Much love to you on that journey.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Caseface99- My doctor knows about my addiction to opiates. So I was put on Suboxone about a year ago, then I had a injury this past month or so and, she has been handing me scripts for painkillers left and right but, she is always saying this is the last time that she will write me out a script. But me being a sneaky addict that I am. I 've been getting over on her for scripts...shouldn't she know better? Hell wtf.

Herbavore- Thank you for the encouragement. your post made me think about a few things... my life and my past. A lot of my drug use is about my shitty past, maybe a therapist is my best bet.

 

[miltecnico]

Caseface99- My doctor knows about my addiction to opiates. So I was put on Suboxone about a year ago,"

" saying this is the last time that she will write me out a script. But me being a sneaky addict that I am. I 've been getting over on her for scripts...shouldn't she know better?"
.

You know better, that's the dealio.
Im not really one to talk at this point. My casual use of OC gave way to a much worse addiction with subutex.
Granted i also used xanax, amphetamine - yes the good one TOO mmmMMM. Beware subutex and suboxone. TOO easy to use forever, as long as you pay. But i suppose that is not the worst plan for some.

Now mostly enjoy low dose of well sub4, vyvanse 60, and xanax 1.
It's also helpful to seek a psychiatry Eval. I am under weight at 29 m, around 135. I'm 6-0 easily. I've always been lean but my doc gave me remeron saying I'm underweight.
Especially in terms of opiates,
Been to 3 detox. And rehab. And always go straight to sub. Don't even bother beside the first couple week with some morphine. But sub had been my crutch TOO long after this last time at detox was due only to sub intake not aet all a high amounts just can't get off. I imagine having some .2 temgesics would do me very well.

Wish you the best going forward, whatever road is picked.

 

[miltecnico]

Oh and if you couldn't tell - my scattered thoughts from above. Adhd diagnosis is recent and the vyvanse is new to me and I find it very helpful for energy and to keep at bay any desire to extraneously use sub -"for "fun"" LOL.

 

[phactor]

Caseface99- My doctor knows about my addiction to opiates.

What about the benzos? Does she know about that? Benzo WD is life threatening. A few years ago I had a seizure from it and could have died. Not fun.


Edit: Whoops, just realized this was posted a year ago. Not sure who bumped it.