goddamn this noise inside my head

related song/video (i was at that show )

i've been feeling rather blah lately as well as rather stressed from work. so my brain has been in a pretty hardcore "hate on a_c" mood. it is immensely frustrating because part of me realizes i am being irrational, yet i can't stop the thoughts. i can ignore them well enough to function on a day to day basis. altho it is fairly annoying and tiring.

i want to hurt myself. i want to punish myself for all the imagined transgressions i am obsessing about. but i've actually done a fairly good job avoiding that. unfortunately, i have been drinking every night to kind of shut off my head and be able to pass out at an early hour. to my credit, i've been able to keep it to 4-5 drinks a night as opposed to getting utterly shitfaced.

but that still isn't good. it has been fucking up with my personal training. i've pretty much been stuck at the same weight for the last few months. but the fact that i keep drinking and not losing weight just feeds into the whole "hate on a_c" mood. it is almost like my head has decided that since i won't physically hurt myself, drinking is an alright substitution.

i was feeling pretty good for awhile so i put off seeking out therapy. now i prolly could really benefit from it but i have no time/money. sooner or later, i need to learn that when i am not feeling like shit, i should still attempt to talk to someone. that way i can learn to deal with these moods in a more constructive fashion.

the funny thing is, most people think i am a fairly happy, easy going person. so i know this all in my head. with the except of a few people in RL and those who read this blog, i never tell people how i feel. i don't know how i can portray a persona that is so different from how i feel. it is just kinda weird.

 

definitely try to talk to someone. take the time out and spend the money, it's worth it. you're worth it. is there anything else you can do besides drinking/drugs that shuts off your head? taking a walk will sometimes have that effect on me, as does reading a novel. also, i know i've mentioned dbt to you before, but i'm not sure if i've linked you to this website. i go to it from time to time to help remind me of the basics of dbt.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

please take care of yourself and if you need to ever talk feel free to pm, im, fb, or text.

 

Thanks for the link and the offer to chat

 

reading works well for awhile, as does walking around the beach. i can also fuck around online or go for a drive. if i stay busy, i can distract myself rather well. but eventually i end up with downtime.

i read thru that site and it seems like something i should look into more. even if i never get around to finding a therapist, there are a lot of good exercise and activities i ought to utilize. i like the bit about self soothing, when i get into a mood, i tend to ignore all the little things i like around me.

 

we went through worksheets in this book. i still have all the worksheets from there. if you'd like, i'd be happy to scan them for you.

 

^did it help you? i mean that in the most constructive way possible? like...

when i am in a negative mood, i just assume nothing is worth my time. and then eventually my mood improves and i continue to do nothing. then i get all depressed again and it starts again. i realize this is a stupid cycle but i can never seem to actually do anything about it. i will whine about (and have for years) and wait it out.

i will sit here and try to rationalize things. and claim that i have them under control. or at least enough that i am not "that bad" (haven't a clue what that bad would entail tho). and make excuses. and tell myself that i just need to man up or whatnot... so what i mean is, did the worksheets help you with getting over that sort of loop of negative thinking?

thanks a lot for responding, you and i have been chatting thru blogs/journal forever and it really means a lot

 

the therapy really helps to accept those kind of thoughts for what they are...just thoughts, which does seem to help reverse the loop. the worksheets help me now by just sort of reminding myself to use the skills i learned when i'm in a bad mind set. i'm not sure how well the worksheets would work without the therapy to go along with it, but i certainly wouldn't see any harm in it. changing this mindset didn't happen overnight either, it took a looooot of practice and training but it was definitely worth it.

and it's my pleasure. you've been one of the few people around here that has remained a constant since i've joined the board and an amazing person to boot. i'll do whatever i can to help you.

 

therapy helped me immensely with understanding and dealing with negative thoughts and behaviours
one of the best things I ever took the time to do for me