God I miss it so much

[onetwonine]

I'm approaching 8 months sober.

2 months after ceasing methadone maintenance.

I've had the worst day. I dreamt about oxy yesterday night, which is unusual, i barely did much oxy (relative to my DOC heroin).

the whole day has been plagued with cravings since.

My sober life is fantastic. In school, doing jiu jitsu, hitting the gym. Objectively better and more worthwhile than when I was a petty criminal and major junkie.

Why do I have to go through days like this?

Why do I lie to myself?

 

[ticking]

fugees killing me softly

 

[realtalkloc]

tupac still i rise

 

[BlueSaffron]

No, you don't.

You miss having something in your life that made you feel that good, that you were that passionate about. That's what I learned from my big relapse after methadone last fall. While I was on methadone I had a goal - get off methadone, lol. But then I got off and it was like..what now? Good things were happening in my life, but it still felt empty. So I started fantasizing... just like you. All I could think about was getting high and how it would feel. So I relapsed. And here I am a YEAR later, kicking warm turkey. Wasted another year of my life on this bullshit... for what?

You don't miss the dope. You miss having something you were that passionate about and into. You need to find something else to channel that passion into, be it a relationship, a job, a hobby, a calling... I honestly think a lot of drug addicts have this type of personality. Just regular normal day to day life doesn't satisfy us. Granted many of us are also medicating depression or dealing with traumas from the past, but that's only part of it. A big part, I believe, is that we need something to throw ourselves into, otherwise we feel bored and unsatisfied.

There are many more worthy things to be passionate about than heroin. I hope you find one.

 

[scoliobipo]

I've been in and out of AA, on and off various opiates and drinking or not drinking since the age of 14. 40 yrs later, I'm no better, no worse. But I finally found someone who could describe exactly how I feel about this crazy life with words that I could never find. Thanks, Blue Saffron. Your words may not heal me, but may help me understand my messed up mind a little better.

 

[BlueSaffron]

I'm glad it meant something to you scoliobipo. I feel kinda shitty right now (mostly physically), and it was nice to hear

I like what Christopher from the Sopranos said to Tony once. THey were talking about either drugs, or depression, or both, because Chrissy was fucking up, and he says "I dunno, T, it's like the fuckin ordinariness of life is too much for me or something".

That kind of hits the nail on the head for me.

For me, what's helping to replace dope as my object d'amour is actual love... although it's a messed up complicated situation, when I'm with him I could give a shit about dope. I'm also looking into finding different work, something that takes more of my mind, something challenging. I'd also like to start writing again - I have no motivation to do it when I'm on dope. It's all about finding something else to put your passion into.

And tbh, the only thing that's ever felt better to me than a speedball, is being close to someone I'm in love with.

 

[realtalkloc]

No, you don't.

You miss having something in your life that made you feel that good, that you were that passionate about. That's what I learned from my big relapse after methadone last fall. While I was on methadone I had a goal - get off methadone, lol. But then I got off and it was like..what now? Good things were happening in my life, but it still felt empty. So I started fantasizing... just like you. All I could think about was getting high and how it would feel. So I relapsed. And here I am a YEAR later, kicking warm turkey. Wasted another year of my life on this bullshit... for what?

You don't miss the dope. You miss having something you were that passionate about and into. You need to find something else to channel that passion into, be it a relationship, a job, a hobby, a calling... I honestly think a lot of drug addicts have this type of personality. Just regular normal day to day life doesn't satisfy us. Granted many of us are also medicating depression or dealing with traumas from the past, but that's only part of it. A big part, I believe, is that we need something to throw ourselves into, otherwise we feel bored and unsatisfied.

There are many more worthy things to be passionate about than heroin. I hope you find one.

great post babe! hope you get clean, you got a great mind.

 

[wanting]

Thanks for your posts, BlueSaffron! After a little more than 3 months off pills, I'm finding myself fantasizing about them more and more lately. I have to have a root canal later this week, and I know I'm going to be offered pain pills. It will be a challenge to say no. But you make a good point.

 

[straightrazor]

Thanks for your posts, BlueSaffron! After a little more than 3 months off pills, I'm finding myself fantasizing about them more and more lately. I have to have a root canal later this week, and I know I'm going to be offered pain pills. It will be a challenge to say no. But you make a good point.

Good luck. I have a couple months as well but I'm not sure I could say not if I was getting dental work done, I would almost certainly justify it to myself saying they were medically necessary. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that temptation quite yet. Keep on fighting the good fight!

 

[njirem]

You don't miss the dope. You miss having something you were that passionate about and into. You need to find something else to channel that passion into, be it a relationship, a job, a hobby, a calling... I honestly think a lot of drug addicts have this type of personality. Just regular normal day to day life doesn't satisfy us. Granted many of us are also medicating depression or dealing with traumas from the past, but that's only part of it. A big part, I believe, is that we need something to throw ourselves into, otherwise we feel bored and unsatisfied.

this

 

[Erikmen]

What to do about it?