i am stuck. Trapped by the red liquid deathadone handcuffs. The clinic i go to has two sides, one is for ppl with insurance and charges an insane rate of 70$ per week, while the other side is sponsored by the state and only charges 5$ per week. I was on the state sponsored side for quite some time, at least for 2.5 of the 3 years i have been going there. about this time last year i signed up for free state sponsored health insurance, that way i could have access to a PCP, get my migraine meds and xanax legit and not order them from around the world. While it is fun to wait and track 400 .5mg xanax pills being shipped from from peru, its not really very feasable. So last month my counselor tells me that since I have insruance i am going to be switched back to the non state sponsored, pay by insurance side...ok...kinda weird.
In my mind i think it is a lateral move. its not. the only thing i can compare it to is freefalling from space, straight downward fucking trajectory. where did these ppl come from?? are manners are foreign concept or something? how is it that moving to the other side of a building, all the clients think they are intitled because their insurance covers a % of that 70$ charge? the majority im sure have lengthy adult arrest records and not many teeth. they hangout and sell their bottles, the drink their dose and puke it up and sell it. who does that? where i was before, none of the patients were like this. its almost like these scumbags on the insured side appeared from some junkie ectoplasm that pours out of the lightrail train that brings them up from the city.
all of the girls have kids, everyone has a scowl, its like social hour up there and all the constant bitching slows everything down to a crawl. i had to wait 30 minutes for my sickly sweet poison today, when it used to be as quick as putting 5$ in my gas tank. i think i am going to drop my state sponsored insurance so i can go back to the other side. my sister is on that side so i miss seeing her, plus i miss my old counselor. hes the only guy up there that knows his head from his ass. i am ready to quit this shite. im sick and tired of having to drive, even the quick ten minutes it takes, for me to get there every morning. Once i get my alp rx refilled this friday, that monday i am going to start coming down, 2mg a week. i think that will be ok. my sister is coming down 5mg a week and is having trouble.
ive considered ibogaine, at some point, possibly when ive dropped by half my dose. am i going to want to go out and get high becuse i can at that point? will i ever do heroin again? sadly i probably will...there are final hits, and then there are final hits. last time i spiked was about 3 years ago.
looking at the date on this deleted blog entry i can remember how it all felt back then, the girl i had fallen for, the girl i was with and lost (for the best) 4 years. where did it all go???? what do i have to show for it? my car, on the plus side, gained knowledge, put on some weight. on the negative, im still addicted ,now im hooked on xanax too which i know i will be taking long after i get off the meth, its going to basically be my crutch in coming off this terrible junkie juice. 4 years of my adult life i will never get back. was it worth it? no. simply for the fact i havent made any significant changes. i am in worse shape now then i was back then so yea, its been a huge back slide.
In a way, it almost brings a smile to my face, a twisted strange smile that i feel is akin to watching a train wreck, that is my life. i want more for myself. am i happier now then i was back then? probably. ask me that in another 5 minutes and i might have a different answer. sometimes i just want to combust and watch it all burn around me, awash in flames and just melt away.
4 years....hey... at least its not ten right?
In my mind i think it is a lateral move. its not. the only thing i can compare it to is freefalling from space, straight downward fucking trajectory. where did these ppl come from?? are manners are foreign concept or something? how is it that moving to the other side of a building, all the clients think they are intitled because their insurance covers a % of that 70$ charge? the majority im sure have lengthy adult arrest records and not many teeth. they hangout and sell their bottles, the drink their dose and puke it up and sell it. who does that? where i was before, none of the patients were like this. its almost like these scumbags on the insured side appeared from some junkie ectoplasm that pours out of the lightrail train that brings them up from the city.
all of the girls have kids, everyone has a scowl, its like social hour up there and all the constant bitching slows everything down to a crawl. i had to wait 30 minutes for my sickly sweet poison today, when it used to be as quick as putting 5$ in my gas tank. i think i am going to drop my state sponsored insurance so i can go back to the other side. my sister is on that side so i miss seeing her, plus i miss my old counselor. hes the only guy up there that knows his head from his ass. i am ready to quit this shite. im sick and tired of having to drive, even the quick ten minutes it takes, for me to get there every morning. Once i get my alp rx refilled this friday, that monday i am going to start coming down, 2mg a week. i think that will be ok. my sister is coming down 5mg a week and is having trouble.
ive considered ibogaine, at some point, possibly when ive dropped by half my dose. am i going to want to go out and get high becuse i can at that point? will i ever do heroin again? sadly i probably will...there are final hits, and then there are final hits. last time i spiked was about 3 years ago.
looking at the date on this deleted blog entry i can remember how it all felt back then, the girl i had fallen for, the girl i was with and lost (for the best) 4 years. where did it all go???? what do i have to show for it? my car, on the plus side, gained knowledge, put on some weight. on the negative, im still addicted ,now im hooked on xanax too which i know i will be taking long after i get off the meth, its going to basically be my crutch in coming off this terrible junkie juice. 4 years of my adult life i will never get back. was it worth it? no. simply for the fact i havent made any significant changes. i am in worse shape now then i was back then so yea, its been a huge back slide.
In a way, it almost brings a smile to my face, a twisted strange smile that i feel is akin to watching a train wreck, that is my life. i want more for myself. am i happier now then i was back then? probably. ask me that in another 5 minutes and i might have a different answer. sometimes i just want to combust and watch it all burn around me, awash in flames and just melt away.
4 years....hey... at least its not ten right?