I hadn't planned on writing right now, but quickly (I think) I got through a hellacious week of no Rx painkillers for 8 going on 9 days. Although afraid, I DID call and finally got it straightened out tonight. What happened apparently is that the reason the Doc's office didn't call in a new Rx is because there was still a refill from my LAST Rx, except the pharmacist fucked up and put no refills. Shit. I sure could of used those pills, but I'm glad it's all straightened out. I was freaking out big time for the fact of no more direct meth connect AND no more Rx too? Holy fuck that was cruel. So then I scolded Erik for saying he sent my package again, which never arrived. I'm assuming that unless on the odd chance Mom snagged it. I'm sure I would of heard something though? Hell I don't know anything anymore. Still, so yeah I was disappointed, the needles I'm having to reuse over and over and I don't want to take the chance of having them sent by a company online like I did before when I lived at my own place or one of my dealer's pads. I'd have them sent to Aimee's house, but the fucking needles would get stolen which sucks.
Sigh. This leaves me having to scout out an exchange program in LA because Orange Curtain doesn't allow them here. Whatever. So sorry, Erik if I came off harsh, but last week was the week from hell being pretty much cut off from everything in a way. I DID taper myself off the meth. I didn't do any Sat or Sunday and felt fine. I did my last 2 shots this morning after work and still barely felt them. The shit's still in my system, and I guess that means my tolerance is still quite high. Ok fine. I've been watching what I eat in order to maintain the 50 lbs I've lost. I did meet someone on line that offered to hook me up with sister Crystal. He lives in Hollywood. I've talked to him both on line and on the phone and he seems pretty cool, but still I know that this could be dangerous. He could be a cop for all I know, although I doubt it. Still, actually I really DO want to take a real break, at least a whole week off, get the shit out of my system, but I do have left over ephedra pills from when they were legal to combat the idiotic chronic fatigue when the fucker decides to hit me again.
In a way I don't mind, it's just that I HATE being forced to quit and I want it to be my choice. As for the painkillers, I managed to wean myself off of those. Thank Christ I had a huge supply of Tramadol to ease me off the W/D's and some chick at Aimee and Linda's house gave me 2 klonipins, which I used sparingly, plus Linda gave me 1/2 pill. They did help tremendously along with the Tramadol to cut W/D's so I wasn't a nervous, fucked up, complete wreck. I seriously was unable to go to work last Tuesday, as I kept having panic attacks. There was no way in hell I could show up for a difficult patient and be all freaked out. I feel much better now. I'm going to take it easy, try to on the pills, make them last 2 weeks, which is what I normally did. As I said before, I want to take a break from the meth too, while shopping around for other connections. I've had offers of course off the sex site, but if I used one of them, there would be a price attached. Sigh. I tried to have sex with Jimmy, a dude from the meth head social circle 3 or 4 weeks ago because he kept hounding me and I thought maybe it would be easier to try doing it with him instead of a stranger off the sex site.
My sex drive was completely gone on the meth. It started coming back a little bit today, before I took my last 2 shots, so apparently now that I don't look like a fat pig anymore perhaps I could respond sexually when sober better than on meth. All I know is that with Jimmy, I could not respond in the least. I had dry mouth, dry pussy, and the more I tripped about it, the worse the performance anxiety became, so we finally called it quits. "I warned you," I told Jimmy. It's all good. I just don't want a repeat of THAT episode. I think I kind of understand how men must feel when they can't get hard. I could do nothing other than put my ass in the air, and submit to a dry fuck (in the pussy) but Jimmy couldn't really stay hard for long due to my unresponsiveness. So, Rich is gone, that's a shame. I can call his girlfriend to see what she says, however, I will not be buying cut shit. Linda claims that she's always late, unreliable, her prices are higher than Rich's and she cuts it. I don't think so. I might give her ONE chance, explain that I'm willing to try her out, but if it is bogus shit like Linda says, then there will be no repeat business from me.
Some other good news is that I actually did start getting some shit done that I need to get done. Writing on meth is mandatory for me, but anything else that entails unwanted responsibility, fucking forget it, hell even sex apparently. I am the biggest exhibitionist on cam, but that's ALL I want to do. Going out to actually meet someone that I don't love and who does not love me turns out to be a giant disappointment each and every time. I had fun today though. I don't have the perfect body, but I am quite attractive even with I don't know 20 extra lbs? I'm still at 185, I still feel free to move, and actually LIKE walking and moving around once again. I remind myself of that each and every time I reach for the candy in the store, so usually I don't get it. I don't EVER want to experience the hell of being 240 lbs again. Ever. That was so horrible. It did put things in perspective though. At this weight, I'm attractive, although there was no convincing me of that say 14 or 15 years ago, hell even 10. I thought I was ugly, but now after being the size of 2 people instead of 1, I see things differently, so that's the one good thing that came out of all of that.
So I'm off to the store. Hopefully yahoo doesn't delete more entries. What a bunch of crap. If I only let druggies read my shit, what the hell is the fucking problem?
P.S. Zephyr somehow you had me pegged exactly right. This is before I saw or read your comment too. That was a trip.
Sigh. This leaves me having to scout out an exchange program in LA because Orange Curtain doesn't allow them here. Whatever. So sorry, Erik if I came off harsh, but last week was the week from hell being pretty much cut off from everything in a way. I DID taper myself off the meth. I didn't do any Sat or Sunday and felt fine. I did my last 2 shots this morning after work and still barely felt them. The shit's still in my system, and I guess that means my tolerance is still quite high. Ok fine. I've been watching what I eat in order to maintain the 50 lbs I've lost. I did meet someone on line that offered to hook me up with sister Crystal. He lives in Hollywood. I've talked to him both on line and on the phone and he seems pretty cool, but still I know that this could be dangerous. He could be a cop for all I know, although I doubt it. Still, actually I really DO want to take a real break, at least a whole week off, get the shit out of my system, but I do have left over ephedra pills from when they were legal to combat the idiotic chronic fatigue when the fucker decides to hit me again.
In a way I don't mind, it's just that I HATE being forced to quit and I want it to be my choice. As for the painkillers, I managed to wean myself off of those. Thank Christ I had a huge supply of Tramadol to ease me off the W/D's and some chick at Aimee and Linda's house gave me 2 klonipins, which I used sparingly, plus Linda gave me 1/2 pill. They did help tremendously along with the Tramadol to cut W/D's so I wasn't a nervous, fucked up, complete wreck. I seriously was unable to go to work last Tuesday, as I kept having panic attacks. There was no way in hell I could show up for a difficult patient and be all freaked out. I feel much better now. I'm going to take it easy, try to on the pills, make them last 2 weeks, which is what I normally did. As I said before, I want to take a break from the meth too, while shopping around for other connections. I've had offers of course off the sex site, but if I used one of them, there would be a price attached. Sigh. I tried to have sex with Jimmy, a dude from the meth head social circle 3 or 4 weeks ago because he kept hounding me and I thought maybe it would be easier to try doing it with him instead of a stranger off the sex site.
My sex drive was completely gone on the meth. It started coming back a little bit today, before I took my last 2 shots, so apparently now that I don't look like a fat pig anymore perhaps I could respond sexually when sober better than on meth. All I know is that with Jimmy, I could not respond in the least. I had dry mouth, dry pussy, and the more I tripped about it, the worse the performance anxiety became, so we finally called it quits. "I warned you," I told Jimmy. It's all good. I just don't want a repeat of THAT episode. I think I kind of understand how men must feel when they can't get hard. I could do nothing other than put my ass in the air, and submit to a dry fuck (in the pussy) but Jimmy couldn't really stay hard for long due to my unresponsiveness. So, Rich is gone, that's a shame. I can call his girlfriend to see what she says, however, I will not be buying cut shit. Linda claims that she's always late, unreliable, her prices are higher than Rich's and she cuts it. I don't think so. I might give her ONE chance, explain that I'm willing to try her out, but if it is bogus shit like Linda says, then there will be no repeat business from me.
Some other good news is that I actually did start getting some shit done that I need to get done. Writing on meth is mandatory for me, but anything else that entails unwanted responsibility, fucking forget it, hell even sex apparently. I am the biggest exhibitionist on cam, but that's ALL I want to do. Going out to actually meet someone that I don't love and who does not love me turns out to be a giant disappointment each and every time. I had fun today though. I don't have the perfect body, but I am quite attractive even with I don't know 20 extra lbs? I'm still at 185, I still feel free to move, and actually LIKE walking and moving around once again. I remind myself of that each and every time I reach for the candy in the store, so usually I don't get it. I don't EVER want to experience the hell of being 240 lbs again. Ever. That was so horrible. It did put things in perspective though. At this weight, I'm attractive, although there was no convincing me of that say 14 or 15 years ago, hell even 10. I thought I was ugly, but now after being the size of 2 people instead of 1, I see things differently, so that's the one good thing that came out of all of that.
So I'm off to the store. Hopefully yahoo doesn't delete more entries. What a bunch of crap. If I only let druggies read my shit, what the hell is the fucking problem?
P.S. Zephyr somehow you had me pegged exactly right. This is before I saw or read your comment too. That was a trip.