to the girl who has touched my life more than she will ever know... this is for you, if you ever chance to read it. and even though things didn't work out happily-ever-after for us, i still mean every word of it.
Give You Up
10.30.02
I think back to the first boyfriends we ever had,
The way we talk about them now,
Saying that what happened,
though we didnt understand it then,
Was that we each grew up,
and both in different ways.
And we nod and say, that makes sense.
It just took a long time to realize it.
Maybe that can happen to friends too.
I know that there's this unspoken blame,
And a hatred that has built that is not so silent,
And i know it didn't happen overnight
We just had this similiar life,
Connected once by nightlife and shared dreams
But somewhere along the way the connection broke,
And we haven't found the right way to end things.
So now we've come to what looks like the end,
And there's all these loose ends
Like who owes what and where we will go from here
And its all so sudden,
Like a death...
Where you don't know what to do with yourself,
Or how to start grieving
Still in shock,
Hoping maybe its just some dream that you'll wake up from
It hurts so bad to even step foot in that house,
Now,
So badly that I dont even want to come back for the last of my things,
But we are adults,
And I force myself to enter into rooms that held so many memories,
And squint back hot tears
And tell myself this is better for us
In some fucked up way,
Us being away from each other is now a good thing
Something I can't rationalize,
But i accept.
And i know there won't be that last hug,
Brief but lasting,
That seals things off for good,
And closes this chapter on us
I know that maybe the last words we spoke
Were probably some of the cruelest that you and i ever dared to share,
Reserved only for our most hated enemies
I know that there's not going to be any resolution
That suddenly pieces our friendship back together,
But i couldn't just close the door one final time
Without saying a few things
And even if they echo into nothingness
And you never read them,
I have said them,
And that's all i need to put closure on this.
So...
Thank you,
For some of the happiest memories i've known.
For putting up with all my antics,
For letting me crawl into bed with you late in the night
And soak your pillow with my tears
For cooking me fluffy eggs
And always making sure i was ok.
For experiencing things with me that only you could understand
The next day when i try to retell them
For understanding what that damn repeating Sarah Mclachlin song does for a k-hole,
For getting me drunk when i needed it,
But also being there when i couldn't handle it later.
For being honest with me about justin,
even when it hurt you
For allowing me, the flying pig, the flying cow, and 2 obnoxious cats to have a place in your life,
if only for awhile.
Thank you for Hazleton.
I'm not going to dwell on this. I'm not interested in anyone's comments, or pity, or condolences. I just had to say my piece. You know who you are. I hope you have a good life, and i wish you luck with everything. And i'm sorry, for whatever it was, that led to all this.
Always,
me.
[ 30 October 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]
Give You Up
10.30.02
I think back to the first boyfriends we ever had,
The way we talk about them now,
Saying that what happened,
though we didnt understand it then,
Was that we each grew up,
and both in different ways.
And we nod and say, that makes sense.
It just took a long time to realize it.
Maybe that can happen to friends too.
I know that there's this unspoken blame,
And a hatred that has built that is not so silent,
And i know it didn't happen overnight
We just had this similiar life,
Connected once by nightlife and shared dreams
But somewhere along the way the connection broke,
And we haven't found the right way to end things.
So now we've come to what looks like the end,
And there's all these loose ends
Like who owes what and where we will go from here
And its all so sudden,
Like a death...
Where you don't know what to do with yourself,
Or how to start grieving
Still in shock,
Hoping maybe its just some dream that you'll wake up from
It hurts so bad to even step foot in that house,
Now,
So badly that I dont even want to come back for the last of my things,
But we are adults,
And I force myself to enter into rooms that held so many memories,
And squint back hot tears
And tell myself this is better for us
In some fucked up way,
Us being away from each other is now a good thing
Something I can't rationalize,
But i accept.
And i know there won't be that last hug,
Brief but lasting,
That seals things off for good,
And closes this chapter on us
I know that maybe the last words we spoke
Were probably some of the cruelest that you and i ever dared to share,
Reserved only for our most hated enemies
I know that there's not going to be any resolution
That suddenly pieces our friendship back together,
But i couldn't just close the door one final time
Without saying a few things
And even if they echo into nothingness
And you never read them,
I have said them,
And that's all i need to put closure on this.
So...
Thank you,
For some of the happiest memories i've known.
For putting up with all my antics,
For letting me crawl into bed with you late in the night
And soak your pillow with my tears
For cooking me fluffy eggs
And always making sure i was ok.
For experiencing things with me that only you could understand
The next day when i try to retell them
For understanding what that damn repeating Sarah Mclachlin song does for a k-hole,
For getting me drunk when i needed it,
But also being there when i couldn't handle it later.
For being honest with me about justin,
even when it hurt you
For allowing me, the flying pig, the flying cow, and 2 obnoxious cats to have a place in your life,
if only for awhile.
Thank you for Hazleton.
I'm not going to dwell on this. I'm not interested in anyone's comments, or pity, or condolences. I just had to say my piece. You know who you are. I hope you have a good life, and i wish you luck with everything. And i'm sorry, for whatever it was, that led to all this.
Always,
me.
[ 30 October 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]
