Give me a reason not to blow my brains out

[chrisalt]

im 25 sitting here in my room at my parents house. My room is 27 degrees. Im wearing my winter hate, gloves. 2 sweaters, a long sleeve tee, a short sleeve tee and wrapped in my blanket. I live in toronto so its not that even that cold outside yet. yet here i am chilled to the bone, cant think, eat.

Im going throught benzo w/d (3rd time in 8 years) and it is hell. This on top of it being Winter and all the bs that comes with it in toronto is causing me on anxitey on top of having PTSD/Depression/anxiety to the extreme. At the same w/d from pot(yes you can become dependant physically if u dose all day every day). i cant afford to keep smoking 3.5 grams of high grade weed anymore because after 11 years of smoking stupid ammounts of weed my brain cant take it anymore. Plus i cant afford the 1000 dollars a month if i wanna move out again, keep my truck and still be able to eat from time to time.

I quit coke, E, K and opiates 5 years ago and things were suppose to get better not worse. In those 5 years i have become a chronic pain patient, my knees are fucked, my back is fuck i cant take meds because OTCs do jack shit and opiates give me panic attacks. I think because of the Dophamine release. The worst part is when i was taking them to get high i didnt have said problem. im not sure what to do anymore and my docs are at a loss and im on my own now after trying to figure this out for 4 years. I had to move back home i have been through 5 crazy ass gfs who i should have avoided like the plague. I guess im just so lonly and weak mentally from all the craziness.

my point is im to young for this shit. Its one problem or another (and as the years go by they get bigger) has been going on for 15 years now. I was 10 when shit hit the fan for me. long story short and as im sure you already know the world is very sick and twisted.

I wish i was still in the reserves so i still had access to a C7a1 5.56mm assualt rifle with tumble rounds so i could stick that bitch in my mouth and unload it on 3 round burst just to make sure i got it done right this time. Fuck 70 extra strenght advil didnt even kill me when i was 17 cause someone just had to find me b4 i bit the dust.

What keeps you guys going? what is the fucking point? to anyone a little older then me does it get easier? because as as i age i just wanna end it more and more.

sry and /rant

 

[pastelcircus]

what keeps me going is that i never know what's around the corner. hang in there though, benzo wd's are a bitch until you get some time between the present moment and your last dose. also, try moving around if you're really cold. or put dry rice in a tube sock and tie it and throw it in the microwave and bam! instant foot warmer.

 

[chrisalt]

what keeps me going is that i never know what's around the corner. hang in there though, benzo wd's are a bitch until you get some time between the present moment and your last dose. also, try moving around if you're really cold. or put dry rice in a tube sock and tie it and throw it in the microwave and bam! instant foot warmer.

Thanks for the tip, ill give that a try. I just tried doing some push ups to warm up and im so weak right now i could only do like 40.. i hear you about the bitch part. I keep lowering and then raising my dose because i just can't bring myself to do a 6 month taper from hell again...fuck im so stupid. I let a women draw me back into these gd benzos.

I should just tattoo "pussy" to my forhead.

 

[casualuser]

I feel your pain man, I would say I'm in a similar situation though through the worst and on the way up(I hope). Life is definitely a bitch, there's no denying but it's also what you make it. Being an existentialist I believe the meaning of life is what you decide it is, in my opinion even someone that believes in a higher purpose or someone that believes that there is no purpose at all still chooses that viewpoint first than governs their life accordingly. So someone that believes there is nothing worth living for really has nothing to live for, but only because they choose to believe that and all that is needed to change that is finding something to live for(which is my biggest problem). For a lot of people that comes easy, they accept(for the most part) fully what society, or their family, or their faith, or their friends give them as meaning but for others it can be quite a trying ordeal though ultimately in my opinion those of us that can't decide right away and are able to make it through the rough come out better and stronger. The journey is definitely the hardest part, with no clear purpose or meaning it's easy to get lost in the pain and become blind to the good parts. Yes there are good parts even in the lowest of the low points, you just have to look.

For me contemplating suicide is pretty much an everyday occurrence though I have yet to attempt it. What stays my hand most of the time is thinking about the effects it will have on the world around me. I may have ended my pain but it will have just begun for those around me. In addition it's really a permanent solution to a temporary problem. To answer your other question, yes it does get easier as long as you keep trying, the harder you try the easier it will become. My therapist has really helped get me going and out of the worst of it, I would highly recommend seeing someone if you aren't already, if you do and feel like it isn't helping don't be afraid to try a different one, therapists aren't one size fits all.

In summation there is only no hope if you believe there is no hope and belief is simply a choice. Hopefully I helped or at least didn't make things worse, best of luck to you.

 

[gradof04]

Hi Chris,

I'm going through really bad withdrawals myself right now, on day 3 of tramadol withdrawl. It is horrible, and feels like I'm dying. Something's I have found to help are family support and my doctor. I know it's not really what you want to hear but my doc prescribed me Xanax to get thought it. And it worked miracles. So I'm sure your doctor could give you something that will make you 10x better. Trust me, just talk to you doctor. I was very hesitant but in this short run, I'm so glad I did. Keep talking to us here also, because I've been on here 3 days straight. And these Bluelighters are truly a God's blessing. We all can relate to you, and help you get through this. I often thought about suicide myself, but then I found out that its so easy to ease the sympotms of withdrawal. I really feel for you, and know you have all of us for support! Keep us updated.

 

[chrisalt]

Thanks for the replies guys. I hear you when you say that it is what you make off it... It's just so hard to be optimistic and happy when everything is just so awful. I try to see the bright side I do. For instance my family. I'm lucky to have them and i know it. Any other family would have disowned my ass....

I don't know Though.. i should be in the military but my issues ruined that for me..I could have had a respectable life. A soldier a member of society. Served a country I truly love...

My points is no matter what I do it blows up in my face. It's 1 step forward then 2 steps back 24/7. I had so much fight in me b4. As I age I'm giving up more and more by the year.

I need to figure out this shit. get my mental and physical issues under control or I'm not gonna see 30.

 

[sarita]

Thanks for the tip, ill give that a try. I just tried doing some push ups to warm up and im so weak right now i could only do like 40.. i hear you about the bitch part. I keep lowering and then raising my dose because i just can't bring myself to do a 6 month taper from hell again...fuck im so stupid. I let a women draw me back into these gd benzos.

I should just tattoo "pussy" to my forhead.

Don't let women make you do things you don't want to do. It will get better dear.

 

[trees_please]

op- what do you have to do to make sure this is your last benzo withdrawal? you chose to relapse (twice), and now youre depressed and withdrawing? learn from your mistakes and start addressing your issues one at a time. today. and trying to stop smoking weed at the same time should really be out of the question..

 

[OriginalCrazyone]

I have never been through withdraws from benzo's but have been there with several friends who have, and yes, they are a total bitch... Myself, I kicked a 3 year crack addiction, just over 7 years ago... I still struggle to this day, and talked about it recently and received help from people right here... I am in my mid 30's and I gain alot of strength through my kids and family, there has been times I have thought that my family would be better off without me, because of health problems I have... but there is one thought that kept me going even when that wasn't enough... I look back at everything that has happened to me, all the shit I went through before drugs and then I look at all the time, energy and opportunities I wasted in the pursuit to escape, and I realize, after all that, there is nothing that this life can throw at me that I haven't done to myself, and if I have been there I have gotten through it, and learned a lesson... I am stronger than that bullshit...

I have found that any drama I have had, I did it, it wasn't the crazy girlfriends, it wasn't being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I PUT MYSELF THERE... Crazy people make life exciting, but they also take you down the spiral with them... and anything you invite into your life, you can also remove it from your life... she may claim she needs you, but no, she chooses to be that way and she can only chose to change it herself. and only you can change things in your life. once you remove the drama and negatives you have allowed into your life, everything else is easy... yeah, we all have unexpected things happen sometimes even daily... but once the outside influences causing drama and stress are removed, what was once overwhelming is now easy to solve... drama from outside yourself is just noise blocking you from listening to your inner voice...

I am not saying I am perfect, my life has no problems, or shit doesn't just go wrong sometimes... but the problems do get easier to deal with as you get older, because with age comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom. the problems stay, you just know better how to fix them as you get older.

one other thing, and this is a good start, talking here, but when you feel so far gone like you were here, it helps to talk to someone... I know you have at least one friend, that one person, you might not have talked to in years, or in my case, the one person I avoided because of my addiction... give them a call, get together and catch up on old times... you don't have to go into any details you don't want to, but you will find that time heals all wounds, and if they were a true friend, they will be ready to hear from you now... at least that was my experience...

-OcO-

 

[chrisalt]

op- what do you have to do to make sure this is your last benzo withdrawal? you chose to relapse (twice), and now youre depressed and withdrawing? learn from your mistakes and start addressing your issues one at a time. today. and trying to stop smoking weed at the same time should really be out of the question..

Your right I should learn. I have had this problem since 10. I'm incredibly impulsive which makes me do stupid dangerous and harmful shit.

Tbph I think I'm gonna go check myself into a psycheward or rehab. I'm starting think that with out some sort help (which I hate asking for) I'm gonna commit suicide, end up in prison or 6 feet deep...but then I start thinking who gives a shit?? I'm fucked anyway as a chronic pain patient. I'm gonna kneed new knees by the time I'm 35 and prob end up on disability. I'm a hard working guy and if I have that much time on my hands I'm gonna get in trouble or OD. I see no future that inst bleak and there is nothing I can do about it but try to be positive. Problem is I'm negative to the core for valid reasons.

I ask myself everyday how I went being an from being an in shape 16 year old bodybuilder/power lifter that blew a promising military career to being 25,having a weak body physically/ mentally and basically what socitey would call a scum bags scumbag.

 

[chrisalt]

I have never been through withdraws from benzo's but have been there with several friends who have, and yes, they are a total bitch... Myself, I kicked a 3 year crack addiction, just over 7 years ago... I still struggle to this day, and talked about it recently and received help from people right here... I am in my mid 30's and I gain alot of strength through my kids and family, there has been times I have thought that my family would be better off without me, because of health problems I have... but there is one thought that kept me going even when that wasn't enough... I look back at everything that has happened to me, all the shit I went through before drugs and then I look at all the time, energy and opportunities I wasted in the pursuit to escape, and I realize, after all that, there is nothing that this life can throw at me that I haven't done to myself, and if I have been there I have gotten through it, and learned a lesson... I am stronger than that bullshit...

I have found that any drama I have had, I did it, it wasn't the crazy girlfriends, it wasn't being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I PUT MYSELF THERE... Crazy people make life exciting, but they also take you down the spiral with them... and anything you invite into your life, you can also remove it from your life... she may claim she needs you, but no, she chooses to be that way and she can only chose to change it herself. and only you can change things in your life. once you remove the drama and negatives you have allowed into your life, everything else is easy... yeah, we all have unexpected things happen sometimes even daily... but once the outside influences causing drama and stress are removed, what was once overwhelming is now easy to solve... drama from outside yourself is just noise blocking you from listening to your inner voice...

I am not saying I am perfect, my life has no problems, or shit doesn't just go wrong sometimes... but the problems do get easier to deal with as you get older, because with age comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom. the problems stay, you just know better how to fix them as you get older.

one other thing, and this is a good start, talking here, but when you feel so far gone like you were here, it helps to talk to someone... I know you have at least one friend, that one person, you might not have talked to in years, or in my case, the one person I avoided because of my addiction... give them a call, get together and catch up on old times... you don't have to go into any details you don't want to, but you will find that time heals all wounds, and if they were a true friend, they will be ready to hear from you now... at least that was my experience...

-OcO-

Thanks for the insight man. I did and do put myself there. But I do/did for reasons. It's an excuse and my choice I know but I just wish I havent been gettting pushed it that direction every fucking day since i was 10. I have tried so many times to get my shit together. I have succeeded a lot but with ever success brings a new and bigger problem...and if that's what life is until you die...the bs keeps coming only difference is you can shrug it off a little better?
I dunno I have some serious thinking to do if i even wanna try.

Best of luck to you. I hope we all find peace but I'm not holding my breath.

 

[DooMMooD]

Why shouldn't you do that?

Because I promise you after the W/D are over you'll be thinking a lot more clearly and a lot better. Never smart to make big decisions (like suicide...) while in the middle of a withdrawal, as you are far from thinking clearly.

Also being able to do 40 pushups doesn't make you weak....far from it depending on how much you weigh. Trust me there are tons of people out there who cannot even do 1. Stop dumping on yourself amigo. Tomorrows a new day. And a week from now will be a new day without feeling like shit from benzo w/d.

 

[chrisalt]

Why shouldn't you do that?

Because I promise you after the W/D are over you'll be thinking a lot more clearly and a lot better. Never smart to make big decisions (like suicide...) while in the middle of a withdrawal, as you are far from thinking clearly.

Also being able to do 40 pushups doesn't make you weak....far from it depending on how much you weigh. Trust me there are tons of people out there who cannot even do 1. Stop dumping on yourself amigo. Tomorrows a new day. And a week from now will be a new day without feeling like shit from benzo w/d.

Yeah I'm not thinking straight true. And yes i dump on myself because everyone else in my life(aside from my immediate family) have shit on me and basically ingrained in my brain I'm useless and not worthy of being given any dignity or respect. I should be over stuff that happened back when but its hard when more shit piles in the present.

Let me try to explain About the 40 push up thing. I was in the army and after conquering my obseity as a kid i excersied religiously. i was very in shape/ healthy. when I say I'm "weak" I'm comparing myself to me in my physical prime...40 push ups was a light warm up b4 workouts repping 250 on the bench..Not the main work out, due to knees I had to give up weights.

It's so funny we have all these people that can take care of themselves and work out/ run if they want but don't. Yet people who have the drive and dedication to running or working can't because of medical reasons out if their control.

Funny world eh?

 

[herbavore]

I just turned fifty nine yesterday. It does get easier, chrisalt; it really, really does. The interesting thing to me is that the ease is a total mix of hard work and just letting things flow and happen. The dance through that mash-up of excruciatingly slow and worked-for progress and the passive progression of time that simply lifts you and deposits you someplace better than where you were is fascinating. I could not really tell you how it got easier for me--as most of it was just one small change having a ripple effect that sometimes I wasn't even cognizant of until years later. The one thing that I can honestly identify is that when I started to reach out and try to get involved with other people (neighbors, elderly landlady, interesting strangers) and my focus became less on myself and more on other people, my own angst lifted considerably. I am not in any way trying to say that you (or I) are selfish in your emotional pain; it just seems to be true that helping others out ends up helping us immensely.

The only other advice I have is to try your absolute hardest not to put yourself down in your language. Language shapes thought and perception. Use positive language about yourself. Try saying, "I feel lost" instead of "I'm continuing to fuck up" etc.

And you are so right, it is a funny world. I guess that's what keeps me fascinated and wanting more!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You are going through benzodiazepine withdrawal and this is causing you to feel really, really bad. Just accept that you will feel better after you ride this out. And you owe it to yourself to ride it out.

Did you do a proper taper? Quitting cold turkey can be really harsh.

 

[Azron]

Somones gotta clean that shit up dude and I know in Australia its the familt... Do u want your family to pay 'special' cleaners to pay to clean up brains, peices of skull, eyeballs, blood soaked into the carpet and body juices going through the floor boards?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I just turned fifty nine yesterday.

happy birthday herby

and much to chrisalt. Hope you are feeling better.

 

[teological]

Hey man, I am also very suicidal, in fact, maybe every three or so days I think about how I should do it. Dude, in the end we both know it is not worth it. Not worth the pain on our families and not worth wasting the time we have been given here. Since we are not really that afraid of death, we may aswell do something productive. Fuck suicide bro, it is the cowards way out, you aint not coward man.

Kudos to you for WD from benzos. I have withdrawn from opiates before. This week I had heaps of valiums, almost everyday, and today I did not have any and I have anxiety mixed with sore fucking bones. I can not imagine what you are going through...so with this frame of mind, just kick back and get through it dude. N dnt worry about girls, findem fuckem and flee.

People are fucked, the world is twisted but that just proves that that good also exists. The polar opposite exists of everything. Just take a look at this site and all the harm reduction info we get form strangers man.

 

[Marie1010]

F*ck suicide, your withdrawing. Be good to yourself. Find any distraction right now- tv?
I'm a woman and have let a guy do something similar. You are young. I have two teenage boys and as a parent, It's the worst fear.
Know that this is going to pass- take it very easy. Do not get so hard on yourself- your human and deserve love and happiness. Always know that no matter what, things can change in a NY minute or in a few days without even realizing it. I'm rooting for you

 

[Teknique]

Because here we don't like morn over our beloved fallen..

+1 Be good to yourself!