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Girlfriend lied about where she was....

T

thenaze

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 30, 2016
Messages
1
Hey guys, i was hoping i could get some advice on what to do here. I feel like we both have things to work on but after this i feel like she betrayed my trust (i may not have much to begin with, it's one of the issues i'm working on). We got into a fight a couple of weeks ago which resulted in us not talking much for about a week. Maybe around the 3rd night after the original fight (Where she ended up leaving my house at night) i saw a picture that she was tagged in on instagram of her with one of her semi-close girlfriends at a party where she was looking really happy. I was really screwed up still because of the fight that we had so the first thing that was going through my head was that she was happy and didn't even miss me and that she was fine with what had happened. I sent her a text message asking her if she had gone to see this friend, she replied with "no" and that the picture was "from a long time ago". I thought it was weird that the friend would post such a picture if it was "from a long time ago" but i brushed it off and trusted her. Recently we have made up and got back together, stuff has been amazing. We were just laying on my bed not doing much (she was on the laptop) and so i just grabbed her phone (she saw me do it and was fine with it) and i started swiping through her pictures (not with a purpose of snooping or finding anything) and i ended up finding pictures that she took from the night with her girlfriend at the party. I questioned her about it and she admitted that she did go to a party with a friend that night. I asked her why she would lie about that to me and she said it's because she "knew" that i would get mad that she went to the party anyway and so she lied about it to prevent me from getting mad. I probably would have been a little angry that she was partying a few days after we got into the big fight, and i've told her that but the lying turns it from something i'd get over to something catastrophic. She is also trying to essentially blame me for her lying because i would have gotten angry that she went to the party. Sorry this was so long, i would really like some help with this. I've never lied to her and trust is something that is really important to me and something that i already have issues with.

cliffs:
gf and i get into huge fight, she leaves
few days later see a picture of her and a friend at a party
ask her about it, she says it was old
we get back together
find out she actually did go to the party
pretty much blames me for her lying because i would have gotten angry over her going to the party
 
People who like to go through other peoples phones and look at their pictures have already lost. If you want to be happy in life first you have to be able to make yourself happy and love yourself enough to believe you deserve to have a quality life. Questioning her about the picture was a set up. You knew in your heart of hearts that the picture was not old so you should have let it go but perhaps you are religious and you believe it possible for people to never lie and never do anything out of alignment with your moral compass. Pay attention to her and notice what she finds acceptable because what she finds acceptable licenses you to do the same. If she parties and lies about it that means she believes it is acceptable behavior. Trying to change her and guilt her for lying will not work....shaming only works on religious people. If I were you I would never touch her phone again....instead live your life without considering her feelings before you act and if she has a problem with it....remind her of the lie she told about the party. Tell her you can't be a criminal and a cop. Obeying rules licenses you to enforce them and breaking them makes them not exist on both sides. I always tell my wife to do whatever she wants because whatever she does becomes acceptable in our relationship....no excuses...no confrontation...no interrogation....just watch and use what you see
 
I don't really feel like the lie is that big of a deal. She came clean about it.. and you guys were already fighting so she didn't want to add to it.
 
I'm inclined to agree. You need to be asking why you she thought you'd get mad. I like to exert very little control in a relationship. If you don't trust her then you need to question why, and consider whether it's justified.
 
if she has to hide the fact she spends time with her friends from you to stop you getting angry look at yourself and how you behave.


because that's a childish reaction
 
pofacedhoe said:
if she has to hide the fact she spends time with her friends from you to stop you getting angry look at yourself and how you behave.


because that's a childish reaction
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True and it's also classic abusive behavior. Abusive people love to isolate the victim so they can never disclose to others the horrors of their existence with the abuser. You need her to have no friends because you think so low of yourself that if she had friends she might find someone who won't hold her hostage.
 
I agree with a lot that's already been said. It's childish and immature to be going through her phone in the first place... I've been in seriously toxic relationships and a good bit of how you're explaining things leads me to believe you may be the toxic component in your current relationship. No offense. Though it does take two, it always starts with one persons insecurities, then leads to a fucking catastrophic mess. I don't know her or her intentions, but it sounds like you need to take a good hard look at yourself here.
 
You sound very young. If I told this same story to one of my friends they would call me a pussy and tell me I must not be hittin it right.
 
I completely agree with you! My bf constantly grabs my phone without asking me and goes through it, and I feel hesitant to tell him that I am going out with friends or cousins because I know he doesn't like that. I feel that your gf is just scared of upsetting you, and you need to learn to trust her, which does not occur overnight of course!
 
theredgiant said:
People who like to go through other peoples phones and look at their pictures have already lost. If you want to be happy in life first you have to be able to make yourself happy and love yourself enough to believe you deserve to have a quality life. Questioning her about the picture was a set up. You knew in your heart of hearts that the picture was not old so you should have let it go but perhaps you are religious and you believe it possible for people to never lie and never do anything out of alignment with your moral compass. Pay attention to her and notice what she finds acceptable because what she finds acceptable licenses you to do the same. If she parties and lies about it that means she believes it is acceptable behavior. Trying to change her and guilt her for lying will not work....shaming only works on religious people. If I were you I would never touch her phone again....instead live your life without considering her feelings before you act and if she has a problem with it....remind her of the lie she told about the party. Tell her you can't be a criminal and a cop. Obeying rules licenses you to enforce them and breaking them makes them not exist on both sides. I always tell my wife to do whatever she wants because whatever she does becomes acceptable in our relationship....no excuses...no confrontation...no interrogation....just watch and use what you see
Click to expand...

I completely agree with you! My bf constantly grabs my phone without asking me and goes through it, and I feel hesitant to tell him that I am going out with friends or cousins because I know he doesn't like that. I feel that your gf is just scared of upsetting you, and you need to learn to trust her, which does not occur overnight of course!
 
milkandhoney said:
I completely agree with you! My bf constantly grabs my phone without asking me and goes through it, and I feel hesitant to tell him that I am going out with friends or cousins because I know he doesn't like that. I feel that your gf is just scared of upsetting you, and you need to learn to trust her, which does not occur overnight of course!
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Is your boyfriend really worth all of that headache? Jealousy is a horrible horrible thing and it ruins lives.
 
Bruv, You're hurt because she was having fun out with her mates, smiling, laughing and having a good time, when you thought you were going through a rough patch together, probably not smiling and laughing together. Despite what's been said by others, that's a perfectly normal reaction. What you have to understand though, is that when someone's going through a tough time, it's also normal for them to look for a release. Messing around and having fun with her mates was her way of doing that. You were probably in need of some release yourself, but if you didn't feel like that, or didn't realise you did, it's not wrong that she did.

The problem between you has occurred, because she (wrongly), felt guilty for doing it, and you (wrongly) were suspicious of her for doing it. It's a chicken and egg situation about where that stems from, but it's an easy situation to resolve. You need to talk to her and apologise if you've made her feel guilty at any point in your time together - and I think you must have. You need to give her the confidence to share things with you, even when you're going through a tough time. You both then need to make a commitment to be open with each other - even during the tough times. If something like this happens again, promise to look at it from her perspective. If you care about her, you will do this. Also, try and work on why you were suspicious etc, as it's probably routed in a lack of confidence in yourself. Love yourself fam, she's with you because she saw something in you that is there. At some point, maybe you can find out what that was and be that person. The alternative is she saw something in you that was never there in the first place. In which case, you need to tell her who you really are. It puts you in a vulnerable position, but for the long run it makes sense.
 
OP this is pathetic

get a life and stop being that controlling partner that all of her family will see as a red flag.

come on this is shamefull to read that you think that you are in the right and that it is a big deal.
 
pofacedhoe said:
OP this is pathetic

get a life and stop being that controlling partner that all of her family will see as a red flag.

come on this is shamefull to read that you think that you are in the right and that it is a big deal.
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Way, way, way harsh. The OP clearly has insecurity issues. Helping him overcome them is surely better than calling his issue pathetic and telling him to get a life. For fuck's sake, would you tell someone suffering from depression to pull themselves together, or to get over it? I would bloody hope not.

Comments like yours only serve to belittle and make someone feel more insecure about themselves. People posting comments like yours should be fucking ashamed.
 
To the OP, I will just echo the sentiment that you should examine your own behavior here. From your description, you are the one in the wrong here. You do not own the person you're in a relationship with... why would you get mad at her for going to party with friends? There is some kind of controlling behavior here going on from you, whether it is from insecurity or jealousy or trust issues. I was with a woman for 12 years who got mad at me when I wanted to do something without her, I would never do that again. You're two separate people. Having your own lives is incredibly healthy. She should be able to go out with her friends without you, and you should be able to go out with your friends without her.

I think that if you do not address this in yourself, your relationships will all ultimately fail because being overly controlling is a form of abuse and it leads to resentment.
 
Both of u have growing to do..I heard the same statement right before my first gf broke up with me because I would get mad over petty shit..u guys obviously have no trust if something this small can be catastrophic..
 
Honestly bud, I had to stop reading halfway through because I saw myself from 3 years ago in your post and it brought back painful memories. To me it seems like you have huge trust issues and an insecurity towards your girlfriend, it's hard to suck it up and admit it but trust me it only gets better if you want it to. I've had many many toxic relationships that I always blamed on my girlfriends at the time, when the real common denominator was me. Up until 2 weeks ago I had been single for over a year just focusing on myself, my goals and and what I wanted out of life for myself. I didn't actively seek a girlfriend, I had a fuck buddy here and there but I knew something was wrong with me being in relationships.

I used to check my girlfriends phones, hate when they didn't reply back, always be sketched out by what guys they were around and it all stemmed from one shitty relationship when I was younger and got cheated on multiple times by one cunt. It hit me harder than I thought and that relationship followed me into many others and destroyed them because I didn't let go of what happened to me and give these new chicks a chance.

My best advice is if your relationship is already this toxic, let her go. Spend some good time just getting to know yourself again, being single brought me some of the most gratifying times of my life. I got closer to my best friends, I made amazing professional and personal connections and it really rounded me into a completely different person.
 
oh_yeah said:
Way, way, way harsh. The OP clearly has insecurity issues. Helping him overcome them is surely better than calling his issue pathetic and telling him to get a life. For fuck's sake, would you tell someone suffering from depression to pull themselves together, or to get over it? I would bloody hope not.

Comments like yours only serve to belittle and make someone feel more insecure about themselves. People posting comments like yours should be fucking ashamed.
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maybe it is a little harsh but at the same time it is pathetic. he is getting upset because she was having fun and he wasn't there. and she doesn't tell him because he has this reaction so often that she has a protocol to deal with it. that is the reaction of a child. an actual child. or when they grow up a controlling partner. its red flag central.

and its not the same as depression. depression has a negative effect on the depressed person for the main part, jealous controlling moody partners may upset themselves but they bring as much if not more misery to the person they are in a relationship with. insecurity is a part of life if you cannot deal with it dont be in a relationship until you are over it. life is insecure, people might cheat so what? keeping them chained up in your house is not the solution. you have to get over the fact you cannot control life. you cannot control other people. you cannot control the weather. you cannot control the exact length of time you are alive. you have to just accept this and let it go.
 
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Hey mate,

Read through your post and me wanting to reply was one of the main reasons of joining, however I have been reading this forum for years!

Girls are beautiful creatures we all love them. A lot of her going out and having a laugh is to do with attraction. Quite simply her attraction level for you dropped. E.G. Remember when you first started dating? Did she act different if you had an argument she was keen to resolve it not a "f**k it attitude and go out" it means her level of attraction for you dropped.

Also as someone else said it sounds like you have insecurities this is shown by you trying to control your girlfriend. So what if she goes to a party after an argument? Why does it bother you? Let her go show her your not bothered not this insecure needy guy.

My friend you have a lot of learning to do about the dating game. I wish someone gave me this advise when I was younger.

YouTube: Corey Wayne
Neediness & insecurities
Attraction
How to be an alpha

And lastly read his book how to be 3% man.

Good luck bro
 
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