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Girlfriend competes with my mom.

donetherebeenthat

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 27, 2014
Messages
157
I need help to try to understand what the hell is going on with this. My 80 yo mother who is taking care of my disabled step brother had so much on her plate she wasn't doing well. I put her through so much worry ect as a result of my drug use I felt I owed it to her to help her out. So my girlfriend (who was in full agreement to do so) and I put our life as we knew it on hold to move into her home, which is big and there's plenty of room, to help her out. My mom is a passive, sweet woman who has gone great lengths to respect the dynamics of my relationship with my girlfriend and is very careful to not "mother" me in any way and to not interfere with the relationship between us in any way. Yet my girlfriend seems to have some type of resentment towards my mother for no apparent reason. She unnecessary harsh and somewhat condensending to her. I never saw this type of behavior from her before and don't understand why she would act this way towards such a kind and sweet woman. If my mom was a bitch I'd say so but anyone that's ever met her loves her. I can no longer watch her terrorize on my mom. Yeah we could just move out but that would limit the help she needs and it doesn't address this ugly behavior I've recently discovered in my girlfriend. Can any shed some light on what is going on here. Any help with understanding this would be appreciated. Especially a female perspective. THANK IN ADVANCE.
 
She resents having to move in with your mother. Putting her life on hold wasn't part of her agenda. And if your mothers house is really big, maybe you come from money and she was with you for it. Now it's just annoying for her.
 
I thought about that but it was more her idea than mine to help my mom out. Also yeah my mom has a few bucks but nothing close to what her family has. Thank for replying.
 
Id say maybe she is insecure? Although she had good intentions, in reality she may now feel like she is sharing your attention with another woman, even if that woman is your mum:(

I think it's a wonderful thing that you have both done and your mum sounds like a wonderful lady, good on you for giving back to her. Although my mother and I are estranged, if she was ever in a needy position (which seems like a loooong way off as she is young, healthy, wealthy and married to a man similar to her and they are as independent as anything) I could not sit back and watch and not do anything. I would do it and have done it for others who are not family in different ways so good on you.

Do you guys make sure you have your own space and go out and do special stuff, just the two of you? How long have you been together? Did you live together before this? Maybe you are seeing a side that you don't like and may have to make some hard decisions. I'd say try to go out to dinner or whatever you enjoy doing and have a good, non confrontational chat, ask her how she is feeling and explain how her behaviour is making you feel. Has she acknowledged what she is doing at all?

Us woman are curious creatures (but nowhere near as much as you guys!). I know sometimes I've found myself feeling angry (purely due to insecurity) even when my husband says he enjoys something his mother cooks! Crazy!
 
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We lived together for 3 years prior to helping my mom. My mom is pretty sharp and goes to great lengths to respect our relationship and won't so much as offer me a cup of coffee when she makes a pot as not to "step on my girlfriends territorial toes". I have relatives step in to help once a month so we can get away. We just got back from a cruise to the eastern Caribbean 3 weeks ago. The month before that we spent a week at Disney. As far as our space goes we live in the guest house on the property. I've seen what could be called insecure behavior in the past but I've never ever given her a reason not to trust me. That's why I'm having such a hard time understanding this. My concern is that I'm seeing a part of her that I've never seen before but can someone put up a facade for 3 and a half years? Also I thought I was a pretty good judge of character. This is why I'm so baffled by this. I'm hoping I hear an explanation that I can work with to bring harmony to this. Because from where I stand it look like some kind of mean streak that I missed. She's never been challenged before but how can anyone be anything but kind to the elderly. Especially someone I care so much about. I'm f,n baffled.
 
It sounds like you do plenty of special stuff together. Really, she is the only one who can tell you how she is feeling and why. The rest of us can give you insight into the female mind but everyone is so different. 3 years is a long time but people do change under certain circumstances. It sounds like she is a caring person if she was all for it but maybe it's not like she expected....or is something else worrying her? That's why I asked if you guys have had conversations about it? Does she own her behaviour?

You are doing the right thing by helping your elderly mother. She won't be around forever and you guys need to be on the same side for it to work, and your mum doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

Go out and have a big talk and see if you can work it out. Otherwise there might be some hard decisions to make :(. But you have to talk!
 
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I believe communication is paramount. When two people in a relationship can't communicate issues don't get resolved.
She doesn't have the communication skills I do . So when I attempt to talk to her, when she feels losing ground in a discussion, she gets pissed off, starts raising her voice, "yelling", and repeating the same thing over and over before she storms off . This is also something I never saw before helping my mom. I'm unfortunately starting to realize I may have no choice, I cannot let her continue to rattle my mom I was just hoping for some magical advice that was escaping me and would bring in site that would fix this. (Heavy sigh)
 
I'm with you. Communication is essential! And yeah, not everyone has the tools. I used to be like that :( and still can be sometimes when it comes to my husband (we've been together 13 years and married 11) but I've been a lot better lately and I get very upset when my husband does not communicate efficiently. When it comes to the big things we do ok though.

I hope you can work it out somehow, unfortunately I think there is no magic solution and if there is no effective communication happening, you may be fighting a losing battle. I'm not saying just give up on someone you've obviously cared about for years but, yeah. I dunno!
 
Animalistic behavior. Negative ways to fight for the alpha female spot and your attention/love. Show her more positive attention and your mother less. If your mother needs constant attention maybe hire some professional help?
 
I'm confused as to why you haven't already said something to her? Surely the first person you'd ask for a reason to your girlfriends animosity towards your mother is her?
 
Animalistic behavior. Negative ways to fight for the alpha female spot and your attention/love. Show her more positive attention and your mother less. If your mother needs constant attention maybe hire some professional help?
Alpha female spot. Now that's interesting. I didn't consider that. I had a friend that bred dogs years ago and there was always one of the females that had to be top dog, just because. This kinda resembles that oddly enough. I've been showing my girlfriend extra attention since we got here when I first sensed a problem in hopes of heading this off. In response to rickolasnice, man I'm all about talking it out with her. She basically denies that the problem exists. When I try to delve into the matter deeper , she gets frustrated and storms off.
Anyway I'm pleasantly surprised at the response I got to this. Thank you all. Just the process of putting this out there and going back and forth with it has given me some clarity. Most people can be cool when things are smooth or going there way. It's when a little pressure or challenge is put in there path that we truly find out who they are. THANKS EVERYONE
 
I'm actually going to do something I never thought I'd do outside of a marriage, we're going to a relationship coach as soon as I can schedule one. The fact that she's willing to do that is promising. A third party point of view would be valuable to sort this out. Thanks for checking in, I was at wits end when I originally posted.

DTBT
 
Awesome! It's clear you don't want to give up on the relationship but are aware things need to change:). Good on you and it's great she is on board also:). Keep us posted.
 
Of course she competes with your Mum.
As far as I can see you adore your Mum and think that she's wonderful.
Your gf wants some of that. She thinks she should be like your Mum to get your attention.
 
People often compete when they are insecure. That's basically it. I'm glad you're talking to her throughout this though.... that's very important!!
 
Of course she competes with your Mum.
As far as I can see you adore your Mum and think that she's wonderful.
Your gf wants some of that. She thinks she should be like your Mum to get your attention.
Yes I love and respect my mom. I think if you're female and your man has a poor relationship with his mother , it will play out in a negative way at some point in your relationship with him. I know those are statistics but I've observed that for the most part to be true. My mom is a community benefactor and was instrumental in starting a hospital in a our area when her friends children were poisoned and died because the closest hospital was 2 towns away. The community adores her.
I've given my girlfriend attention from day one and ramped it up once I detected problems. We go to dinner at least 2x a week, walks on the beach, I sit through those housewives shows and take interest because she likes them. I remember her favorite everything. I take interest in her hopes and dreams. Rub her feet ect. on and on, I'll be open to whatever the therapist says but I honestly don't feel like I'm neglecting her in any way. All my friends think she's a really sweet girl (and she is) except for this one issue, she's like a different person. That's why I'm at such a loss in terms of understanding this. Anyway we'll know more on Monday the 27th when we talk to a professional.
 
Sounds like she's jealous for whatever reason and needs a reality check. Also it sounds like you're kind of spoiling her. Do you ever call her out on things that bother you? If not that could be a big issue.
 
Of course I've tried to talk about it. There's something about this topic that causes her to react unreasonably. If acting unreasonably any time we talk was her M.O. we wouldn't have made it this far. Again, that's why I'm baffled. I don't think anything I listed is spoiling a woman, I just think it's loving a woman. That's just my opinion, not all guys agree but it's always paid off for me in the past.

DTBT
 
Maybe your gf has a bad or unfit mother her own, but she's not around so she taking it out on your mother. Or maybe your gf has a grudge against you for something she can't work out with you and is taking it out on your mother.

On another note, and this is only a wild guess, your gf might feel unfit to be a part of your family. You said your gf spends her spare time watching bridal shows on television and making you rub her feet (two red flags right there that would send me running for the hills). People from a certain socioeconomic background spend their spare time occupied in that way. I'll bet that your mother was never interested in those things when she was your gf's age. I can only guess about your gf's background.

In contrast, your mother spent her own spare time founding a hospital. I can only guess that she spent much of her life doing things that were valuable to society and have cultural merit. People from another socioeconomic background are known to do this. Your gf must pick up on it and resent it. She acts out rather than doing something about it.
 
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