I feel like it's probably really sad and pathetic to be writing three blog entries (does a URL count?) in one day? I guess it doesn't really matter as nobody will be reading this anyway so I'm sure I shan't be judged.
Bluelight used to be a place where I'd keep lots of my thoughts and I thought I'd moved on from it... some of the content from previous accounts is too painful to look at... but I can't talk about that now otherwise my heart will just start to get sore. It's crazy how snapshots of the past can be looked up with a simple search. I had to stop that because it wasn't healthy. Anyway, non existent reader, you don't know what I'm talking about and I don't want to tell you because my failings still weigh down my shoulders on nights like this.
Yet...
Isn't it strange how the plaintive chords of a piano or the gentle hum of a guitar can transport you back in time? How songs can give you a memory so intense that you can feel the shoes you were wearing that day and smell the citrus tang of the scent you'd so carefully chosen?
I have to be so careful. Music can bring an abundance of tears if I'm not careful. And I do try never to cry these days. I guess it's the closest thing I'll ever have to a time machine.
As an example listening to "Late in the Day" by Supergrass reminds me of being at Solfest with all my friends. It was the last Solfest we had before Murray's accident I think. I remember standing in the crowd at dusk when it started playing. I could smell the last of the sun's heat rising from the grass below us. Lanterns were being lit and were floating upwards like shoals of dreams off to seek their fortune in the heavens. I was warmed by rum. I was loved by the friends I was standing with. My heart was smarting from something I can't write about here... but I could justify feeling happy by being glad that I had been loved, even if I had brought that love to its knees and then ripped it's head off.
I don't know. These last few years I just don't feel the same. I don't want to go out partying all the time. I don't feel like I'm part of things. I feel like the sad old bastard hanging out with the younglings. I've had my share of dancing until dawn, of getting high, of adventuring through weekends with my friends by my side. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost sight of what I really wanted and I stopped functioning. My heart was rent asunder for the final time in around 2007/2008... god, so long ago, that I can't even remember. I don't think I ever recovered and I've not been able to use my heart since. But I don't mind. I can cope. I'm brave and I'm strong and I don't need anyone or anything.
Anyway as I was saying I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the line. I'd find myself at 5am with a bunch of people that I wasn't too sure of feeling like I just wanted to go home and go to bed or have a cup of tea and play my records. Thankfully I always had Colm and Eilidh nearby, making sure I had a coat, and a cigarette, and a lift home. Sometimes I wonder if all that was just my way of acting out. I became everything I hated. I tried to rip my soul out so that it would stop screaming.
But, what was it that damaged me to the point that I couldn't function? I can't pin-point any one thing. I think I've been too trusting and too open with the wrong people and they've ended up taking advantage of it and I've ended up the scapegoat and stuck on the end of shitty behaviour by other people. It still happens now but I just don't care anymore. I think I took love for granted and treated it like it owed me something when really it owed me nothing. It was a privilege not a right.
So here I am at 30. I'm alone and I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like everything is just too much but deep down I know that I'll always keep going and I'll always try to find a way back because somewhere along the line there will be something that makes all of the tears, and the pain, and the loss, worth it.
I'll never again be intimate with someone which makes me sad. For a long time I didn't want to be. Then came a time when I thought maybe I could try putting my heart on sleeve again. But that idea was just silly and now I'm content to be alone. I've got an unending capacity for love towards people like Colm, Eil, Debbie, Spiff, Pat etc who have stood by me and their hugs and their choice to spend time with me is all I need to try and fulfil what can be an empty black hole inside at times.
Cor, look at me spilling my guts on a website, it's pretty sad to be honest. But if I don't do this here then I won't do it anywhere and I'll feel bad.
I love music. I love writing. I love photography. I love my friends and family. This is the love that I need to focus on and I can be ok again. I can exist without the feeling of impending darkness.
Here's a secret.
I car-crashed my way through my twenties because I thought I would be dead before I turned 30.
Now, here I am at 30, and I'm having to plan for a future wasn't convinced I'd have...
And I still fear that I'm going to die before I'm 40.
Maybe one day someone will read this and know who I am. I'll have some kind of legacy even if it's just a snapshot of someone who thinks too much and who can't seem to walk in time with the rest of the world.
All I can do is continue to write, and to paint, and to sing, and to laugh, and to play my guitar, and love the things and people that make me happy. It's my life and I'm going to try and do the best I can with it.
Bluelight used to be a place where I'd keep lots of my thoughts and I thought I'd moved on from it... some of the content from previous accounts is too painful to look at... but I can't talk about that now otherwise my heart will just start to get sore. It's crazy how snapshots of the past can be looked up with a simple search. I had to stop that because it wasn't healthy. Anyway, non existent reader, you don't know what I'm talking about and I don't want to tell you because my failings still weigh down my shoulders on nights like this.
Yet...
Isn't it strange how the plaintive chords of a piano or the gentle hum of a guitar can transport you back in time? How songs can give you a memory so intense that you can feel the shoes you were wearing that day and smell the citrus tang of the scent you'd so carefully chosen?
I have to be so careful. Music can bring an abundance of tears if I'm not careful. And I do try never to cry these days. I guess it's the closest thing I'll ever have to a time machine.
As an example listening to "Late in the Day" by Supergrass reminds me of being at Solfest with all my friends. It was the last Solfest we had before Murray's accident I think. I remember standing in the crowd at dusk when it started playing. I could smell the last of the sun's heat rising from the grass below us. Lanterns were being lit and were floating upwards like shoals of dreams off to seek their fortune in the heavens. I was warmed by rum. I was loved by the friends I was standing with. My heart was smarting from something I can't write about here... but I could justify feeling happy by being glad that I had been loved, even if I had brought that love to its knees and then ripped it's head off.
I don't know. These last few years I just don't feel the same. I don't want to go out partying all the time. I don't feel like I'm part of things. I feel like the sad old bastard hanging out with the younglings. I've had my share of dancing until dawn, of getting high, of adventuring through weekends with my friends by my side. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost sight of what I really wanted and I stopped functioning. My heart was rent asunder for the final time in around 2007/2008... god, so long ago, that I can't even remember. I don't think I ever recovered and I've not been able to use my heart since. But I don't mind. I can cope. I'm brave and I'm strong and I don't need anyone or anything.
Anyway as I was saying I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the line. I'd find myself at 5am with a bunch of people that I wasn't too sure of feeling like I just wanted to go home and go to bed or have a cup of tea and play my records. Thankfully I always had Colm and Eilidh nearby, making sure I had a coat, and a cigarette, and a lift home. Sometimes I wonder if all that was just my way of acting out. I became everything I hated. I tried to rip my soul out so that it would stop screaming.
But, what was it that damaged me to the point that I couldn't function? I can't pin-point any one thing. I think I've been too trusting and too open with the wrong people and they've ended up taking advantage of it and I've ended up the scapegoat and stuck on the end of shitty behaviour by other people. It still happens now but I just don't care anymore. I think I took love for granted and treated it like it owed me something when really it owed me nothing. It was a privilege not a right.
So here I am at 30. I'm alone and I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like everything is just too much but deep down I know that I'll always keep going and I'll always try to find a way back because somewhere along the line there will be something that makes all of the tears, and the pain, and the loss, worth it.
I'll never again be intimate with someone which makes me sad. For a long time I didn't want to be. Then came a time when I thought maybe I could try putting my heart on sleeve again. But that idea was just silly and now I'm content to be alone. I've got an unending capacity for love towards people like Colm, Eil, Debbie, Spiff, Pat etc who have stood by me and their hugs and their choice to spend time with me is all I need to try and fulfil what can be an empty black hole inside at times.
Cor, look at me spilling my guts on a website, it's pretty sad to be honest. But if I don't do this here then I won't do it anywhere and I'll feel bad.
I love music. I love writing. I love photography. I love my friends and family. This is the love that I need to focus on and I can be ok again. I can exist without the feeling of impending darkness.
Here's a secret.
I car-crashed my way through my twenties because I thought I would be dead before I turned 30.
Now, here I am at 30, and I'm having to plan for a future wasn't convinced I'd have...
And I still fear that I'm going to die before I'm 40.
Maybe one day someone will read this and know who I am. I'll have some kind of legacy even if it's just a snapshot of someone who thinks too much and who can't seem to walk in time with the rest of the world.
All I can do is continue to write, and to paint, and to sing, and to laugh, and to play my guitar, and love the things and people that make me happy. It's my life and I'm going to try and do the best I can with it.
