Girl at West Footscray Station

[psycosynthesis]

First draft of this, wanted to bounce if off some eyes here. Any and all feedback appreciated


Girl at West Footscray Station

A girl sits
at West Footscray station
Next to her a junkie
Fidgets and smokes her nervous
laugh responds to
non-stop meth twang as he talks of New South Wales
and snorkeling
and bronze whaler sharks
and her uncomfortable feet
shift and twitch and tap
the asphalt.

And talks of how jumping from piers
into waters where
sharks have been known to swim
as well
he says
it's a rush “like cocaine, ya know?”

He certainly doesn’t
seem to be dressed for jumping
off piers.
Cheap nylon pants
and jacket
and a cigarette
that would hiss
out with the plunge
towards the natural rush
and the sharks.
and I feel guilty.

For
not trying
to rescue her from
her discomfort
and his rapid-fire chatter by
pretending to have met
her at a party once
or telling him to fuck-off
and leave her be.

Instead I write a poem about it.

But the train arrives
and she gets on a different carriage
from him.
So it’s alright
I think.

 

[lostNfound]

vivid, i dig this man.
we've all been privy to this sort of thing before, i know i have at least and i know west footscray station so i can see all this in my head.
love the distant thoughts of nsw as well.

sometimes it's hard to step-in in that situation, easier to be the casual observer.

top job man

 

[Raz]

I had to read this as soon as I saw the title.

I think you've done a great job of capturing the atmosphere of that area of Melbourne, and of the kind of pained guilty 'hope it turns out okay but don't really wanna get involved' situations which arise.

The style you've chosen is almost jittery itself, which adds to the whole junkietown feel...I really dig it also. :D

 

[hoptis]

Haha awesome, don't feel guilty, anyone who has spent any time in the West should know how to extricate themselves from a situation like this. Good work

 

[lil angel15]

Good stuff psycosynthesis.

 

[swilow]

Awesme man....very evocative for any Melbournite I'd think.

 

[leiphos]

This is great. I wonder if it could double as a prose story too...? It's very narrative and excellent in that way. But it also works as a poem. Like you said, it's a first draft, so keep working. But so far, this is wonderful. Oh, and I must say: Love your line-breaks, man. Some great meaning suspensions going on, especially in the earlier stanzas.

 

[psycosynthesis]

Thanks y'all!

It did occur to me as I transferred it from page to computer that it could work as prose as well, wish I had the time to write prose atm .

I'm even considering either getting rid of everything after "and the sharks", or re-writing it. Mrs psycosynth rightly made the point that since the girl wasn't being harassed or wasn't distressed, I shouldn't feel guilty. Hoptis too, re: the west.

I'll re-post when re-worked a bit.

 

[(Wordy)]

Yeah I dig this too - agree with the previous comments.

If I were you I wouldn't cut everything after 'and the sharks'. For me this part falters because of the 'and I feel guilty' line. I like the fact that you've been honest enough to communicate that feeling (your feeling this way is crucial to the poem), but maybe you could do it in a less overt way? Or maybe you could retain the directness without actually saying 'I feel guilty'?

It did occur to me as I transferred it from page to computer that it could work as prose as well, wish I had the time to write prose atm

Ha, reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, from Pascal: “I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”