Ali I've just read that n that's true. Truth is I set up monthly donations anonymously, during my ban. I wouldn't make them until I knew they were anonymous n communicated with someone called Erik Brown (MAPS) to ensure this who thanked me for highlighting a few discrepancies. I ensured this because I didn't want Bluelight staff thinking I was making a brine for my return. I love this site n wanted to give back for all the help n support I have received here (and I've received lot). Plus, as I was banned financially was the only way I could give back. This was made public by Raas. It was never something I wanted BL staff knowing. Now I've returnec I can give back by welcoming the newbies n help building contest as well as give HR advice to others.
Thank you, Ali, for explaning that it was off site now I can be honest as lying hurts my psyche but I'd rather be seen as vindictive n evil than risk someone I care about get in trojble because I vented to the wrong person. I saw a post from the person in question that concerned me greatly n worrying for their life I offered to help. This person refused my help twice n only accepted in sheer desperation due to active addiction. It was off-site I'd NEVER harm this site I've spent months on my return helping you all get this place back up - this place is brilliant - we have new members, a few in the health profession, these members are lovely n fit in well.
Do I regret what I did? No. Because as much as I lpbe Bluelight; trying to save a life is more important. I realise now that the trason I was so angry was because I was stupid enough to think I could save this person when knowing what I know on addiction only they can do that. I was trying to save him; though I could get him to recovery n back with his family so he could be happy again n be safe from.
I realisec a long time after the communication with sid that I could not fix him n my true reasons for my anger. I'm not well at dealing with illness / tbreat of death or I eitber demy or become angry. My feeling the need to rescue n save people is my isdue that I need to resolve it. It even caused me problems before I was permabanned the first time in that I felt the need to involve myself in disputes in to "defend those I cared fot.
I hurt me whena person tried getting someone I cared for in trouble because they've an issue with me. Rip into me I'm used to it I can deal with it but hurting people I care truly hurts me beyond belief n I will protect them even if it means I'm hated, abised or what. The person in question is in active addiction, going through his own stuff n its not like this isn't public knowledge sp to pull a stunt like that is cruel n vindictive. It's actually made me sick with nerves that I had to take a handfull of subs to calm myself down.
Lastiy please can we draw a line under the *Evey has ruined EADD she's not suited here / should be banned* I actually find to ne a form of emotional abuse / bullying since most here knew I deliberately OD, was in hospital for 4 days on a drip n nearly. These remarks cause me anxiety as I'm OCD n start panicking admin will permaban me again. I have asked n explained this several times now. Anyone with ocd/paranois/anxiety should know I'm not making this up. I know people say they've to an opinion n I agree but there's a line between opinion n abuse. Also it turns new members against me instead of them getting to know me. This upsetd me because most people know I like to greet new members n help them settle in here. I can't do this if they think I'm starting drama.
To the anti-Evey mob team; BCF, Bob, ColtDan n a few others I PMd you lovely PMs to draw a line under this n get along for the forum. Bob I thanked you for your thoughts in July after my July n Dan I forgave you n made a comcise effort to get along with you. I didn't mind nome of you replying but I thought you'd appreciate the effort I made when I could have easily been bitter to you all. Truce?
Love to you all <4
Evey