Gibberings ver. CCXVII - More Mouth Than A Cow Has Cunt

[Jabberwocky]

thanks!! truly. i'll hopefully be able to update you guys with good news and post pictures of me on top of a new mountain (i'm eyeing up kyrgyzstan) soon enough.

 

[Shambles]

Gotta say I totally agree with Fubz on this one, Ms Up. I can't pretend I don't get where you are coming from, mind. No point lecturing but whatever you decide do please take it steady and let us know how the rehab goes. Doesn't always stick first time around - there are no guarantees as there as so many factors involved in each individual situation - but it will do so sooner or later. Just gotta keep kicking long enough to kick. Easier said than done I know - many of us here know - but we know from experience. If we can then you can too

i just hope if they fuck it up they don't do what they mate did and wait half an hour failing at cpr then put me down a waste chute.

I came around one morning after ODing at my dealer's house to hear him and a close friend still binging on crack and discussing which of them was going to chop me up and which was going to dump my dismembered bits around town in bin bags...

"Alright, alright. I'll do the chopping but you're gonna have to tick me another teenth of each first..."

Should've seen 'em jump when I made my lifefullness known... True story. Gotta junkiedom

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I came around one morning after ODing at my dealer's house to hear him and a close friend still binging on crack and discussing which of them was going to chop me up and which was going to dump my dismembered bits around town in bin bags...

"Alright, alright. I'll do the chopping but you're gonna have to tick me another teenth of each first..."

Should've seen 'em jump when I made my lifefullness known... True story. Gotta junkiedom

Brilliant! You're lucky they didn't finish you off in a fit of crack induced paranoia about the zombie apocalypse...

 

[Jabberwocky]

i know it doesn't stick the first time round without a lot of work from me. and wanting it. and that stepping things up is going to make things harder. i've been a daily drug user for more than half of my life and i already feel pangs of grief, and no sense of relief that its over.

"Alright, alright. I'll do the chopping but you're gonna have to tick me another teenth of each first..."

i'd bagsy the throwing you away. i'm really really squeamish, which has actually served me well, on the subject of stepping things up a notch, i feel almost almost as sick thinking about my mate rooting around in my arm for veins, nearly made me puke, as i feel 'oh that was fucking nice.'

i'm really glad you survived.

i got put in a bin as a child and it was really traumatic, so the idea of ending up in a bin really upsets me- hopefully enough that real life me would just phone a fucking ambulance before it came to that.

 

[Sadie]

Wrong way around. Fauna do not bloom.The term you are looking for is 'flora'

It is flora. How the hell did I manage to fuck that up?

Thanks for the catch. You can catch me out any day X

 

[steewith2ees]

Aw fuck Chinup, the last thing you need to be doing before rehab is stepping up your game! What if you enjoy it too much?? You've got to get into the mindset of "no more ever again" otherwise it will be a waste of time.

This.

I stepped it right up last May following a series of calamities and lost my place with only a couple of weeks to go. Even if I got my head down now and started making the effort again I wouldn't be ready until the New Year at the absolute earliest.

Go for it and don't look back

 

[Jabberwocky]

argh sorry to hear that fucked things up for you.

i'm going privately so can go pretty much whenever i want.

but i know one last binge is my addictions way of holding out.... there'll be something wrong with the last binge so i'll need another one but i feel its a lesson i need to learn. and it will be the first time i really feel like i'm endangering my life and i hate to say thats half on purpose. everything i want from life feels so out of reach i don't know if i can do what i need to to get there.

i used to frequently endanger my life when i mixed b and booze and benzos my boyf at the time would say awake and watch me sleep to check i was still breathing. i still find that quite shocking but i had no idea at the time.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

The preceding few posts about Chinup's impending rehab must have lodged in my subconscious because last night, I dreamt I was at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I turned up at the building clutching a massive hardback encyclopedia of drugs that I'd just bought off eBay. There were loads of druggies just milling about and no-one seemed to know what was going on. All the staff were sitting in the canteen totally ignoring us. After about an hour, me and a guy I'd just met started smoking crack because we were bored. I then got paranoid and went and hid in a cupboard. When I eventually came out, I had missed the meeting and some cunt had stolen my brand new drugs book. I was totally pissed off and announced "I'm never coming to one of these meetings again, they're shit!"

Bizarre...

 

[Limpet_Chicken]

I'll bear that n mind, sadie my dear

 

[Jabberwocky]

The preceding few posts about Chinup's impending rehab must have lodged in my subconscious because last night, I dreamt I was at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting

annoying you lost your book but amazing you had a crack dream where you actually got a pipe!

i find that odd your dream was at NA... i don't think i've mentioned NA in EADD but i've been going while at my parents and it gives me little bits of sanity almost every time- 2 weeks ago i came straight out of a meeting and told my dad i wanted to look at rehab when i came back. today i came straight out and said i wanna go in soon- just over 2 weeks.

it even crossed my mind in there that i could maybe not have a massive binge before going. i've also asked to time my lift for my stuff and my cat to my parents place so i'll only be home 2.5 days before getting picked up. so i'll probably go balls out for that time but its not the 2+ weeks i was initially planning to eke it out to.

 

[BecomingJulie]

I had a terrible thought tonight.

If things had gone a little bit differently when I was younger, I could have ended up joining the Police. My Mum's Dad was in the Staffordshire Constabulary, he joined as an ordinary Plod and he ended up making D.I. (when he got his first promotion, my Nan sewed Sergeant stripes on his pyjamas .....) and even putting away a serial killer (probably not single-handedly, but it sounded cool) before he retired. So if I had decided to do something that might beat the girliness out of me, well, I wouldn't join the armed services on a matter of principle; but the Police force would have seemed like a reasonable option for almost-military-style discipline and so forth. And if I managed to make any kind of a success of it -- which I probably would, at least for awhile at first -- then I probably would have ended up putting a few villains away.

I mean, I'd definitely have nicked a dumb, petty crimimal like myself a long time ago, if i was a copper ..... possession of a Class B controlled substance with intent to supply, forging bus and concert tickets, possession of a Class A controlled substance, shoplifting, corrupting a minor (I had a young accomplice for that job ..... I was babysitting Zoe, and I had to get some groceries ..... It was only after not just leaving the store, but getting all the way home, unpacking it and checking each item against the till receipt, that I found myself unwittingly in the shoes of Winona Ryder. But then I started taking the little princess with me every time I went to Sainsburys ..... and as the broody cashier stared transfixed by her angelic looks, and felt her own biological clock ticking, she utterly failed to notice Zoe passing a few tins and packets around behind the scanner ..... It was worth putting up with being told she looked just like me), CD piracy, misuse of explosives and allowing my home to be used for immoral purposes. Not to mention several counts of Breach of the Peace and assorted Public Order Offences. Obviously it wouldn't have been me doing the crimes if I was on the Force; but in a city of a quarter of a million people, at any given moment somebody would have been bound to be up to some sort of no good. And then I'd probably have suffered a nervous breakdown, or just suddenly dropped dead on the job one day with a heart attack, stroke or burst ulcer, from the pent-up stress of being transsexual and in denial.

I suppose Law Enforcement's loss is everyone else's gain, really .....

 

[LoginNotSecure]

.....

That reads like you’re proud of the offences.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Oh, yeah. And i have often had dreams involving scoring, dealing and stashing drugs, but hardly ever successfully managed to consume drugs in a dream. Something always happens to frustrate me. Very often I will be trying to bring together the wherewithal -- say, foil, lighter, Rizlas and smack -- and always being one item short, then losing a different item while acquiring the missing one.

Another time, I dreamed that Parkway VW were selling drugs as well as cars, and having a promotion on with massive discounts, so i thought I would pay a visit with a view towards treating my co-workers to something special one lunchtime. I remember saying to the salesperson, -- These are all uppers! Haven't you got any downers?

And on yet another occasion, I dreamed that a house a couple of streets away was dealing drugs through the vertical-sliding sash windp!ws, just like a traditional oatcake shop. I went there to buy half a dozen vallies, ?30 light and ?60 dark; which did not seem much, as it was for sharing between Jess and me, but I had a much lower tolerance then.

 

[steewith2ees]

Oh, yeah. And i have often had dreams involving scoring, dealing and stashing drugs, but hardly ever successfully managed to consume drugs in a dream.

This. On every night that I dream of drugs (which isn't always but often). My dreams are now so vivid and my actual life is so empty I get more done between falling asleep and waking.

Last night I was in the Battle of Stalingrad, which was much more pleasant than I believe it was in actuality and I am sure there was a drug angle some where, resulting in my waking up just before using any. Still, have tooter in gob and am making up for it now.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I too very rarely get to consume any drugs in my dreams. The one I recounted above I don't actually remember smoking the crack, I just knew I'd had some. I think I've had one dream where I successfully smoked heroin and felt the full effects (only to be disappointed on waking as I was no longer fucked). I'm sure it's your subconscious telling you that it's a bad idea...

 

[steewith2ees]

...subconscious telling you that it's a bad idea...

I would say it more than likely is, but will take it as a sign I need to get up and rectify the situation.

 

[Buspersons Holiday]

Each time I have one of those pipe dreams, I'm lowering the flame to the large, glimmering prize, it starts to melt & in the split-second between that moment & starting to inhale, I wake up
Every fucking time

I already know it's a bad idea but those dreams have never reinforced that, just made me determined to get some, even if it hadn't been on the agenda that day
If getting some hasn't been possible after that dream, it just makes me feel really depressed for a little while after waking
I don't have the dreams that often, mainly I think because I usually know when my next pipe's going to be, as finances, opportunity & availability have to be in alignment to score, so plans are usually already half-formed in my head

I'd like to think if I actually got to smoke my dream pipe, I wouldn't feel the need to go & get some, but don't really fancy waking up all tweaky

 

[steewith2ees]

As its never been a prime DOC, I have never dreamed about coke.

One of my (current) hypocrisies tho is despite always running the drug down I am now smoking crack on a more regular basis than at any other time but only in small amounts and have never been savage on it. I am one of the few weirdo's that rate speed over cocaine - it was the 3rd drug I got into after ganj and acid, when I finally was able to disco down after spending my teenage years as bedroom raver, but as soon as I hit 16 I was able to access one of the cities best house clubs, which was a proper dive of the best quality, a concrete box of a nigtclub with an adjoining wine bar that was fucking jumping week in week out and although it only took a year before I graduated onto pills I always associated the stuff as a first rate dance drug, unlike cocaine which just didn't do it for me at all.

Although it's a great drug when taken in its own right, it's ludicrous price always made me question its value and on the few occasions I did take it out on the town it was more for use in meatmarket type places and would require a couple of grams at least in order that I could share it among friends. Too much of a pain in the arse with the need for constant toilet visits, and the cold, detached ego inflating effect it produced made it not only unsuitable for dancing but would leave me so serious and harsh that the charisma I (at least believed) I had when I was still a real person would leave me while speed would make me genuinely happy and gregarious.

It had more of a place in pub or domestic social situations and it was more practical than speed due to its short duration, where as once committed to a decent dose of whizz you are stuck with it for the entire night.

Now, with not much left I buy stones as they are convenient and cheap and make for a nice aperitif before getting stuck into the muck, but while I usually get some when I score I never buy more than 2 stones as the first couple are always the best and as its never enough I cannot afford to chase something for hours that I know I cannot catch.

Its just nice to have the odd hour under the effect of a stim as I have no business using speed at the moment while I have no place socialising with anyone.

 

[Jabberwocky]

stee i was doing that for 4 years and look where i am now. just fucking stop. i couldn't see how people ever got addicted to it. then i got post viral fatigue and couldn't work without stimulants, obviously went with light cos i was buying dark anyway. did the best work i've ever done on it. soon felt like i couldn't do anything without it. now i'm a crack whore. just stop stop stop stop.

do you wanna end up like me half planning to kill yourself cos you can't face the enormity of what you have to do to get to a decent life?

that said something lovely happened today. 2 people thanked me for my share in NA- one was anorexic and i shared first and was talking about my insights from anorexia making me realise that i couldn't be complacent just cos right now i'm not fiending for a binge. it really helped her cos poor girl must have felt odd with a load of druggies.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Crack cocaine never did anything for me anyway, so I am just counting myself fortunate there. Jess was always a C snob, having had too much shite coke in the past. I liked a bit of sniff myself, but nothing I could score was ever good enough for Jess. But she did like the freebase. So I'd have a couple of little pipes when we chipped in together for a session, just to be polite (and, yes, to get some of my money's worth); but I never really enjoyed the stuff enough to want to score it for myself.

The only real effect I ever remember getting out of a pipe of crack was a short, intense headache, and that was a bit rare.

I too very rarely get to consume any drugs in my dreams ... [stuff deleted] ... I'm sure it's your subconscious telling you that it's a bad idea...

I'm guessing part of the reason for not incorporating successful drug-taking into a dream is the brain not knowing how to create a dream of being stoned, since it has no idea what it might be doing if it was not working properly, precisely because it is working properly. So it summons up a plot twist instead, in order to remain on familiar territory.