After reading back its length and confessional nature/potential boredom factors if you want to just help me wit my direct question and not the background pls scroll to the bottom.
This concerns cutting down ,not giving up I must add! I know I am not ready ,all my meds are prescribed but as good as self prescribed as I tell the doc what I need [in Thailand] and hospitals are businesses.
I'm a school teacher and I'm not wasted at work ,medicated yes but looking back thru my terms books and class progress and knowing peoples/parents/teachers opinions of me I am at better than just alright, pretty much flying colors..... although I suspect it's a fine line as no1 would notice anyhow.
My hobby pretty seriously is bodybuilding and all the diet ,prep ,routine ,time management that comes with it and getting all manner of people in shape was my UK job, its my glue if you like and took me [in the UK]away from my mates who were heading for the crack and coke coke coke......luckily I hated coke and its rip off price compared to speed.
Due to a break up [here] after a 7yr r-ship ,the reason I moved here and now living alone knowing no1 really and not having the time or inclination to socialize or date even though its piss easy [no libido-in Thailand -what a waste] .......and with work very intense at my private school I am left to my own devices. You can guess what they are.
After the GF split I did exactly what I should not of done , due to a rushed moving out of Bangkok to the unknown to me outskirts ,adjusting to new school ,life alone etc ,my diet and training went to shit + I needed all my time to adjust to the new school as its pretty well respected and so I am and [will be] paid ok for this country since I no longer drink ,go clubbing or whoring.....I id ,it's done. I'm fine alone.
Thankfully this week training is back on for the new year as planned and actually feels re-glued again albeit slowly and half cocked ,its coming along.
However the habits I'd formed over the last rocky patch 2yrs + are growing and will outstrip resources, time and more importantly priorities then money/moods/time keeping/days off/ sanity etc. My crystal ball knows this.
My control over my 60mg ritalin ,6mg clona ,anti-d use is fine and I got my 20-30pill a day tramadol habit down to 6/7 a day [300mg] .........but once I got lorazapam then even worse onto xanax I can once again mix up quite a cocktail with uppers and a couple of OTC potentiator included that will have me nodding blissed out ,can't focus ,hearing sweet voices that are very pleasant ,happy about it all ,no bad feeling or remourse......fuck you guy know what I mean and this is all I am thinking of once I finish school, to be honest my job is very stressful and loud with kids that young.....you need to stay calm yet assertive ,hyperactive and funny.....but it does me good to busy/responsible,HAVE to smile and mingle.
....more importantly the kids and their parents are more than happy so I'm holding it down it seems.
I can only get 2 x 1mg xanax a day so even with moderation I can do my months supply in 10-14days without hitting another hospital [no central record checking even between public hospitals -ten you have private also] but its the 'runaround' at 40years olds -booking days off ,waiting in cheap Thai gov hospitals ALL day ....drugs are filthy cheap but losing a day at work sucks ,not for money ,for the extra workload so I'm not doing the two hospital thing again. I'm not going to let a groups of grade 1 kids down because I am a fuck up.
Backing up....breaking it down....
3/4 hits of : 100mg trammy, 0.5mg rit ,1mg[half] a clona and 1mg loraz became...
250mg tramadol ,20mg rit ,2mg clona ,2mg xanax, hydroxyline ,cimetidine and sometimes 25-50mg trazadone in the day with my anti -d mirtazapine in the A.M.
If I hit this heavy when I am dead tired at 4pm as I am up at 4.30am for a 30mins jog I can mong out then quickly dump some extra rit and rush to the gym but its pushing time and with how hard I train with my age its wearing me out CNS wise + mixingwith bodybuidling drugs which I won't enter into here it all builds up + money for my food bill.
I knocked booze on the head once I started my diet proper ,it's a must and I'm not really a solitary drinker but I 'should' get home and get straight out to the gym but whereas my thoughts used to be 'ok ,quick pack the gym bag ,lets go ' ....it's.....'hey ,lets push off a little bit first...lay down ,chill out for 10mins.....lie to myself everyday.
In short I have to remove the xanax which mean the trammy will go down as will the rit and the clona still covers me ,I can't be trusted to manage my time with xanax/loraz access......if I had more [never enough] and I 'could' get more I will push the trammy more because I have a big supply. 1000s......once the gov started cracking down on pharmacy sales after the American scheduling began I started stockpilling ,I can get a prescription for 6 a day if I have to.
It's one UK pound to see the doctor....
It should be easy [easier] to get off xanax with 6mg of clona in me I figure it's going to be phychological more.
Should I taper myself or not trusting myself ask my doc to swop the xanax to baby 5mg diaz which do jack but at-least it will give me the feel of something or try a hydroxyline OTC -25mg trazadone combo etc.
I can get trammy and rit down easy as I actually don't like stims anymore ,I just need them or I slump into nodding land and in the gym and morning cardio they are magic .
Tramadol once again has become the 'opoid' type drug it used to be not the stim it has become but without a bomb of xanax ,hydroxy ,clona and cimetidine it once again its synergy with the ritalin and becomes the stim which along side ritalin is not pleasant [I always preferred amphets instead of coke] but no adderal here.
Useful at work and the gym but kill my OCD sat around.
Ritalins constant redosing and tramadols long half halflife and onset make and scheduling a day pretty hard.
My OCD and consistent eating patterns I try to line up with my 'hits' .
Point is ,I'm on the on the up ......slowly ,enjoying exericse ,getting up early ,better at my job ,hitting the gym but the desire to get into my room [I live 30seconds from class on campus] overpowers me and feeling tired I lay down quick and tune out.....I don't even do it for long because I get guilty about the gym and have to ride my motorbike thru Bangkok traffic at silly speed [trust me ,you wake up fast] to workout all from nodding out 30mins earlier then rush thru the gym before the school gates close......this is not correct training.
Xanax really is a bitch, it's like a girl I know is bad news I keep calling.
Benzo's are so much cheaper than even patent anti'd's here except prozac [which a no] and so I have to take 15mg of my my UK prescribed 45mg mirtazapine each day because of cost.
Clona is easy to control because I never actually feel it working like a anti-d so I don't abuse it.
Pisses me off ,I was recreational/prescription drug free over 10yrs before coming here and when things went to shit I did everything I should not of.
Did drugs help-fuck yeh.....they always do at the start.....
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Ok if you scrolled down to here in short [kinda]
I'm dependent ,addicted ,strung out ,whatever on tramadol [not for pain] clona, xanax ,ritalin and some very useful potentiators hydroxyline and cimetidine with a anti-d [for legit reasons] and to be fair the clona and xanax for legit reasons although I could justify the same with the rit.
I don't feel the need to abuse any except xanax [before it was loraz ,before valium] ,this is turn raises my tramadol use because I get back to the almost opoid nod-out,space out ,fooked up effect then have to hit the ritalin hard to stay straight for work ,the gym.....which works some how everytime. 0-60 in 3 seconds.
.....but we all know what happens with addictive personalities and xanax. I can't keep up with how many xanax my body does/will want then need ,very cheap and easy to 'get legit' here but the runaround at my 40yrs old makes me feel 19 again chasing down a 1/8th of pot to bong up or driving around dealers chasing whizz [speed] 15yrs ago at 3am in UK winter except now I do it in a shirt and tie in a foreign country where my white skin mean I get preferential treatment .......what I want including undeserved respect.
So....
To get off the xanax....[whilst staying on 6mg clona ,30-60mg ritalin ,15mg mirtazapine ,600-800mg [down to 300mg eventually] tramadol and hydroxyline and Cimetidine as potentaters.
Do I ...
1/ Taper very slowly....til off
2/.....or not trusting myself to have a bad day ask my P-doc to swop me from xanax to 5mg diaz which are candy to me so I would even bother trying to abuse them but with its long HL like clona I wouldn't even both bother trying to abuse it. I'd need a bucket full.
3/ Swop to a mix I've road-tested of otc's -hydroxyline and the old anti-d/now mainly sleeping med trazadone in the day, half a tab -25mg -cheap ,very long HL and also easy to drop after a month or so......drop the ritalin and trammy slowly so I don't feel so tweaked and feel I need the Xanax.
Clona I think because of of mirtazapines actions on releasing Norepinephrine + tramadol blocking re-uptake nad ritalin is too much for the clona.
4/ Go out drinking ,whoring, score some china white and have fun like everyone else here [not really].
I'm in way better shape mentally than a few months ,weeks and even days ago eating ,prepping and training but I got to stop getting wasted everyday ,I can't save it it for a weekend treat ,it will start me off ,I just need to get off the short acting benzo's.
I did lose my r-ships and my future dreams moving here because of my habit ,I don't want to lose myself anymore.
I'm happy/content even robot emotionless on these meds, I like it ,simple ,the truth but i can't get wasted and take my hobby seriously. Not enough hours in the day.
This concerns cutting down ,not giving up I must add! I know I am not ready ,all my meds are prescribed but as good as self prescribed as I tell the doc what I need [in Thailand] and hospitals are businesses.
I'm a school teacher and I'm not wasted at work ,medicated yes but looking back thru my terms books and class progress and knowing peoples/parents/teachers opinions of me I am at better than just alright, pretty much flying colors..... although I suspect it's a fine line as no1 would notice anyhow.
My hobby pretty seriously is bodybuilding and all the diet ,prep ,routine ,time management that comes with it and getting all manner of people in shape was my UK job, its my glue if you like and took me [in the UK]away from my mates who were heading for the crack and coke coke coke......luckily I hated coke and its rip off price compared to speed.
Due to a break up [here] after a 7yr r-ship ,the reason I moved here and now living alone knowing no1 really and not having the time or inclination to socialize or date even though its piss easy [no libido-in Thailand -what a waste] .......and with work very intense at my private school I am left to my own devices. You can guess what they are.
After the GF split I did exactly what I should not of done , due to a rushed moving out of Bangkok to the unknown to me outskirts ,adjusting to new school ,life alone etc ,my diet and training went to shit + I needed all my time to adjust to the new school as its pretty well respected and so I am and [will be] paid ok for this country since I no longer drink ,go clubbing or whoring.....I id ,it's done. I'm fine alone.
Thankfully this week training is back on for the new year as planned and actually feels re-glued again albeit slowly and half cocked ,its coming along.
However the habits I'd formed over the last rocky patch 2yrs + are growing and will outstrip resources, time and more importantly priorities then money/moods/time keeping/days off/ sanity etc. My crystal ball knows this.
My control over my 60mg ritalin ,6mg clona ,anti-d use is fine and I got my 20-30pill a day tramadol habit down to 6/7 a day [300mg] .........but once I got lorazapam then even worse onto xanax I can once again mix up quite a cocktail with uppers and a couple of OTC potentiator included that will have me nodding blissed out ,can't focus ,hearing sweet voices that are very pleasant ,happy about it all ,no bad feeling or remourse......fuck you guy know what I mean and this is all I am thinking of once I finish school, to be honest my job is very stressful and loud with kids that young.....you need to stay calm yet assertive ,hyperactive and funny.....but it does me good to busy/responsible,HAVE to smile and mingle.
....more importantly the kids and their parents are more than happy so I'm holding it down it seems.
I can only get 2 x 1mg xanax a day so even with moderation I can do my months supply in 10-14days without hitting another hospital [no central record checking even between public hospitals -ten you have private also] but its the 'runaround' at 40years olds -booking days off ,waiting in cheap Thai gov hospitals ALL day ....drugs are filthy cheap but losing a day at work sucks ,not for money ,for the extra workload so I'm not doing the two hospital thing again. I'm not going to let a groups of grade 1 kids down because I am a fuck up.
Backing up....breaking it down....
3/4 hits of : 100mg trammy, 0.5mg rit ,1mg[half] a clona and 1mg loraz became...
250mg tramadol ,20mg rit ,2mg clona ,2mg xanax, hydroxyline ,cimetidine and sometimes 25-50mg trazadone in the day with my anti -d mirtazapine in the A.M.
If I hit this heavy when I am dead tired at 4pm as I am up at 4.30am for a 30mins jog I can mong out then quickly dump some extra rit and rush to the gym but its pushing time and with how hard I train with my age its wearing me out CNS wise + mixingwith bodybuidling drugs which I won't enter into here it all builds up + money for my food bill.
I knocked booze on the head once I started my diet proper ,it's a must and I'm not really a solitary drinker but I 'should' get home and get straight out to the gym but whereas my thoughts used to be 'ok ,quick pack the gym bag ,lets go ' ....it's.....'hey ,lets push off a little bit first...lay down ,chill out for 10mins.....lie to myself everyday.
In short I have to remove the xanax which mean the trammy will go down as will the rit and the clona still covers me ,I can't be trusted to manage my time with xanax/loraz access......if I had more [never enough] and I 'could' get more I will push the trammy more because I have a big supply. 1000s......once the gov started cracking down on pharmacy sales after the American scheduling began I started stockpilling ,I can get a prescription for 6 a day if I have to.
It's one UK pound to see the doctor....
It should be easy [easier] to get off xanax with 6mg of clona in me I figure it's going to be phychological more.
Should I taper myself or not trusting myself ask my doc to swop the xanax to baby 5mg diaz which do jack but at-least it will give me the feel of something or try a hydroxyline OTC -25mg trazadone combo etc.
I can get trammy and rit down easy as I actually don't like stims anymore ,I just need them or I slump into nodding land and in the gym and morning cardio they are magic .
Tramadol once again has become the 'opoid' type drug it used to be not the stim it has become but without a bomb of xanax ,hydroxy ,clona and cimetidine it once again its synergy with the ritalin and becomes the stim which along side ritalin is not pleasant [I always preferred amphets instead of coke] but no adderal here.
Useful at work and the gym but kill my OCD sat around.
Ritalins constant redosing and tramadols long half halflife and onset make and scheduling a day pretty hard.
My OCD and consistent eating patterns I try to line up with my 'hits' .
Point is ,I'm on the on the up ......slowly ,enjoying exericse ,getting up early ,better at my job ,hitting the gym but the desire to get into my room [I live 30seconds from class on campus] overpowers me and feeling tired I lay down quick and tune out.....I don't even do it for long because I get guilty about the gym and have to ride my motorbike thru Bangkok traffic at silly speed [trust me ,you wake up fast] to workout all from nodding out 30mins earlier then rush thru the gym before the school gates close......this is not correct training.
Xanax really is a bitch, it's like a girl I know is bad news I keep calling.
Benzo's are so much cheaper than even patent anti'd's here except prozac [which a no] and so I have to take 15mg of my my UK prescribed 45mg mirtazapine each day because of cost.
Clona is easy to control because I never actually feel it working like a anti-d so I don't abuse it.
Pisses me off ,I was recreational/prescription drug free over 10yrs before coming here and when things went to shit I did everything I should not of.
Did drugs help-fuck yeh.....they always do at the start.....
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Ok if you scrolled down to here in short [kinda]
I'm dependent ,addicted ,strung out ,whatever on tramadol [not for pain] clona, xanax ,ritalin and some very useful potentiators hydroxyline and cimetidine with a anti-d [for legit reasons] and to be fair the clona and xanax for legit reasons although I could justify the same with the rit.
I don't feel the need to abuse any except xanax [before it was loraz ,before valium] ,this is turn raises my tramadol use because I get back to the almost opoid nod-out,space out ,fooked up effect then have to hit the ritalin hard to stay straight for work ,the gym.....which works some how everytime. 0-60 in 3 seconds.
.....but we all know what happens with addictive personalities and xanax. I can't keep up with how many xanax my body does/will want then need ,very cheap and easy to 'get legit' here but the runaround at my 40yrs old makes me feel 19 again chasing down a 1/8th of pot to bong up or driving around dealers chasing whizz [speed] 15yrs ago at 3am in UK winter except now I do it in a shirt and tie in a foreign country where my white skin mean I get preferential treatment .......what I want including undeserved respect.
So....
To get off the xanax....[whilst staying on 6mg clona ,30-60mg ritalin ,15mg mirtazapine ,600-800mg [down to 300mg eventually] tramadol and hydroxyline and Cimetidine as potentaters.
Do I ...
1/ Taper very slowly....til off
2/.....or not trusting myself to have a bad day ask my P-doc to swop me from xanax to 5mg diaz which are candy to me so I would even bother trying to abuse them but with its long HL like clona I wouldn't even both bother trying to abuse it. I'd need a bucket full.
3/ Swop to a mix I've road-tested of otc's -hydroxyline and the old anti-d/now mainly sleeping med trazadone in the day, half a tab -25mg -cheap ,very long HL and also easy to drop after a month or so......drop the ritalin and trammy slowly so I don't feel so tweaked and feel I need the Xanax.
Clona I think because of of mirtazapines actions on releasing Norepinephrine + tramadol blocking re-uptake nad ritalin is too much for the clona.
4/ Go out drinking ,whoring, score some china white and have fun like everyone else here [not really].
I'm in way better shape mentally than a few months ,weeks and even days ago eating ,prepping and training but I got to stop getting wasted everyday ,I can't save it it for a weekend treat ,it will start me off ,I just need to get off the short acting benzo's.
I did lose my r-ships and my future dreams moving here because of my habit ,I don't want to lose myself anymore.
I'm happy/content even robot emotionless on these meds, I like it ,simple ,the truth but i can't get wasted and take my hobby seriously. Not enough hours in the day.
