Getting Honest

I want anyone who is reading this to be aware that I fully acknowledge how lame and pathetic this is going to sound. If someone is being honest with me they will tell me what a jerk I've been, and they'll be right. Around Christmas I managed to get into a friends with benefits situation. It's become a tremendous problem for me; I am also in a real committed relationship and it is very serious. I swore I would never cheat and I cheated. For like eight months.

It's created so much inner conflict for me I don't even know where to begin. I know... poor me, right? Poor asshole cheater. Poor. Selfish. Fucking. Asshole. I don't want pity here. That's not why I'm writing this... I guess I'm hoping if I put it out there maybe it will go away. Like, I've been bottling this stuff and not letting it out... it has been driving me crazy. Really crazy.

For starters, I love the woman I am with. It absolutely has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my faults as a sick human being. Thanks (sarcastic thanks?) to the work I've done in AA, I can see that the whole thing is because of all this fear I have... and so much selfishness. The sex itself is some combination of the compulsions that did not die with my addictions and what it means to be human I suppose... but that doesn't matter.

I have this shitty liar inside me that says I need to fuck every single woman that I find attractive. It will never get enough sex the same way I could never get enough heroin. It sounds nuts to relate the two but that's how it feels. Like, chemical castration has become increasingly appealing. I wish I was joking. This thing, it tells me that I need people to be attracted to me--I need to be wanted, desired, accepted. I'm afraid that I'm not wanted, not desired, not accepted. I lie to myself: I think if people don't react to me a certain way then I'm not worthwhile. All this dishonesty, fear, and selfishness manifest in my physical actions. I have done something I swore my whole life I'd never do.

Finally, thank God, the girl I've been cheating with has "broken up" with me. I wish that would neatly solve this problem. It won't, obviously. I might not fuck anyone else for a while but the "voice" is still there... I still certainly have the compulsion to repeat the process all over again. I might not do any more damage to her, but unfortunately that won't stop me from damaging myself or my "real" significant other. I managed to delete her number but I will definitely be seeing her again and it will be difficult to resist giving her the looks and the flirtation.

I used to see someone like that Weiner dude and think how he is so full of shit. I thought sex addiction was fucking nonsense. Now, I'm not so sure. It's tough... it's such a blurry line. But the truth is, it doesn't matter. Even if it is a real thing it could never serve as an excuse.

If I can't stay faithful should I even remain in this relationship? I guess I know the answer to that. So what's the definition of faithful? What is a realistic ideal for me to set for myself?

Ideally, I...

I don't want to look at porn.
I don't want to think about fucking my neighbor.
I don't want to flirt with anyone else.
I don't want to be with anyone else.

Before I started cheating I was trying not to masturbate, counting days like a newly sober person. I don't know if that's realistic at all... it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and that is no exaggeration. The thinking thoughts part seems beyond what is actually possible to accomplish.

Still I want to strive for it.

Ideally, I want to be able to ask a beautiful woman how she is doing that day because I genuinely care. Not because I want the attention or the batting eyelashes or the reciprocation of interest. The motive behind the action is important, too.

I want to be the loving caring man who my real significant other deserves. I want to be putting her before myself. I want to be a man instead of a selfish fucking pig. God help me.

 

Be kind to yourself. I know you know that you can't get through this unless you are, so stop calling yourself names. Does E know about this at all? I'm guessing if she doesn't know specifics, she might suspect something..You'll still be loved no matter what happens, please just remember to love yourself as well.

 

Thanks. I don't think she knows... drug use taught me how to be secretive. The funny thing about the way my mind works is that before where there was only guilt now there is self-pity... both completely useless emotions. I'll get through it. I actually think doing what I did had the weird effect of bringing me closer to her, like I know what else is out there and I know it isn't as good.

I am through with the self pity and the guilt though. I gave myself a few days to kind of let them wash over me but now I've had it. It's time to be a better man, not (as you said) call myself names. It will probably be a little while yet before I stop the kind of low-level self-loathing but that is fine too... self esteem comes from estimable acts, and I don't plan on doing any such shameful things anymore.

Been a while since I've been in a situation like this. I feel like I used to construct stadiums so that people could witness my self destruction and always took a bit of respite in the fact that I was the center of attention. It's weird. Anyway I'm ready to move on.