Getting found out by parents =\ Advice?

[VelocideX]

My mum is 56... thats not happening But thankyou for the advice....

To be honest, even if I got her to try it I still think that her views would remain intact, or possibly even solidify...

The problem is that she doesn't really see the need for recreational substances at all... she has a glass of wine with dinner, but I've never seen her drunk... She doesn't see why people "need to drink to have fun"...

I went in great detail to show her one of the differences between use and abuse: abusers take the drug for the fun that it produces itself, whereas users often take it to enhance social situations (or other situations, for that matter) -- people who down a bottle or two of wine every night by themselves are probably engaging in some sort of escapism; people who drink whilst out with friends do it because it enhances the experience.

In any event, what I said seemed to shake her beliefs to a great extent; she's imagined drug users all being "junkies" of some sort or another. I told her about some of my (unnamed) friends who were holding down well-paid coporate jobs whilst taking pills on the weekend.... I explained how much of the government information is wrong, misleading or incorrectly emphasised.... I could see she was having a hard time dealing with it.

I do appreciate her concern for her son -- I hope that I would show the same for mine -- but at the same time it's very hard to see how I'm on a "path to destruction" when, as far as I'm concerned, every other area of my life is close to its peak.

 

[MazDan]

Mate............I think your looking at it from the wrong point of view.

Put yourself in your Mums shoes for a moment............why is she upset???

Answer.............because she loves you mate and that makes her pretty special...............At least she gives a damn............... I would be more worried if she didnt.

You are her little bundle of joy and she is gunna be worried about you no matter how much evidence you put to her although I am sure she is somewhat relieved to know that at least you have taken some steps to educate yourself first.

Im not a big one for lieing to people about stuff so Im not sure that lieing to her is the best idea.

Is it possible that you have a close friend that is well respected by your Mum who you know for a fact would never speak to them about it??

The idea is to tell her that following her raising her concerns you have decided to make absolutely certain that you never become silly and that in order to achieve this that you have come to an agreement with (the person whom your Mum respects and you trust) to ensure that they no whenever you are partaking and also that the two of you have discussed the fact that you need to get past this phase in your life and will be looking at stopping altogether.

The idea is to help your Mum to relax a bit in the knowledge that so and so is monitoring things and also that you are going to look at stopping altogether..........of course that could be anytime..........lol.

Mate she loves you and your a lucky kid..........dont lie to her as that may cause more probs down the track.......come up with some ideas that are going to help her relax and also avoid your having to discuiss it with her again.

One other consideration is that.........and i dont know what your family is like, but for many Mums out there, it could hurt there social standing, knowing that all the friends are talking about her drug addict child behind her back.

This would be causing problems on a number of levels.........firstly her concern for you, but also her concern for how other people view her and your family.......

These can be pretty big issues and may continue to cause hassles for you.

Like i said, i dont know you, but I get the impression that you may be from a reasonably rich family or a well to do area and often I have noticed in these areas there is a propensity for petty jealousies and hence the "dobbing" you in bit...........Unfortunately for many people in this world its all about putting themselves higher up on the ladder of life and knocking down anyone that may be perceived as being above them.

Alternately I have also seen this kind of behaviour (dobbing ) when the person being gotten into trouble has been someone with an excellent academic or sporting ability...............once again its the jealousy factor.

My guess is that one or two people in your group have a jealousy prob and needed to knock you down a few rungs in there families eyes hence lifting themselves up.

Yes its all pretty stupid stuff.............Sounds to me like you need a new set of real friends in your life mate.

Hope all that makes sense.............if it doesnt, just drop me an PM and I will be happy to chat with you.

 

[VelocideX]

^^ the people who i think backstabbed me aren't really my friends... I was friends with them in like 1999-early 2001, at which point i realised what cocksmokers they are... at which point i hastily abandoned them, and found a new bunch of friends, who are great :D

Unfortunately they all live in my area, so i still see them from time to time...

 

[Miss Peks]

Mate............I think your looking at it from the wrong point of view.

Put yourself in your Mums shoes for a moment............why is she upset???

Answer.............because she loves you mate and that makes her pretty special...............At least she gives a damn............... I would be more worried if she didnt.

Yeah that is a very valid point!

I've had this happen to me before. What did I do? DENY DENY DENY!!!!

Why? Well the family has been plagued with drug addiction before. This is not a nice thing let me tell you. Secondly my Mum was worried sick, I wanted her to think I was ok, that was the best way for me to do it.

Regardless of all this, my Mum KNOWS that I take drugs, and has also found drugs in my room (when I was living at home). She never spoke to me about it, instead she rang up my sister and demanded to know where I got them from, knowing full well that I used to go out to parties with her. When I came home that night it was as if nothing had ever happened, the only thing was that my pills went down the sink. The thing is though she knows, but seeing as though I have managed to keep my full time job, haven't had a serious addiction to any illegal drugs, and have also managed to support myself liviing out of home then maybe that's why she doesn't say anything? Just keep getting your good marks, and don't come home looking like shit after a night out, and in the end while she may not like what you do, she will realise that you are able to still live your day to day life without any consequences of you indulging on the weekends.

 

[dabb]

She was trying (implicitly) to say that drug users all throw away their lives...

Eventually she said that she could never accept it, and thought she supports me wholeheartedly in everything else i do, she is extremely concerned.

My dad is the same way, when he found out about me using he actaully created two lists of what would happen in my life the first was if i quit and was something like "uni sucess, good career, good relationships with friends and family, money, driving, happiness" the second was if i kept using drugs "failing uni, no career, no job, no friends, social outcast, loss of family, poverty, jail, death" and he was dead serious.

I don't bother trying to argue anymore it's pointless as he'll never change his mind and it just aggravates him so it therefore it stands as an unresolved issue between us.

 

[phase_dancer]

I don't bother trying to argue anymore it's pointless as he'll never change his mind and it just aggravates him so it therefore it stands as an unresolved issue between us.

It will hopefully give you extra determination to prove him wrong. Think about how he'll respond in a few years when you bring the subject up again, only you'll be flouting a degree and other life successes he'll likely be proud.

Your Dad making out such a list is not bad thing IMO, even if these are to be regarded as best-worst case scenarios. It's good to remind yourself - especially at times when things aren't going so well and using has more potential for harm- that drugs do have potential to cause all of those things he listed.

Love your parents, be honest but tactful. As MazDan said; they love you and are concerned with anything as traditionally shrouded in evil as drugs have been. But they are also human, so tact and timing are important (although I could never see that until I got older )

Time again will do it. My mother has a completely different view today than when I was 18. That's not necessarily always an accepting one, but different in a rationalizing sense- all due to life experience and observing those close.


Drugs are catalysts in more ways than just as an introspection awakener. Both directly and indirectly drugs also work on a macro level through catalyzing discussion and debate, and user education and health awareness. Although it may take many years, often this catalyzing effect also brings about a greater acceptance of indifference.

 

[neurotichaosis]

When I was a younger lad I confessed to my mother once that I smoked pot, I got grounded and it took months to get that trust back. So there are many things that I keep behind their backs, cigarettes, occaisional marijuana usage and mind altering substance usage in general. They are very happy with the 'person I am becoming' and my results in terms of education, so I think it's one of those things that I best keep from them.

 

[dabb]

It will hopefully give you extra determination to prove him wrong. Think about how he'll respond in a few years when you bring the subject up again, only you'll be flouting a degree and other life successes he'll likely be proud.

Thanks for the advice, i do and try to spread the word on drugs, my friends are sick of hearing about it, but unfortunately im not a good example as i have used drugs negatively to self-medicate depression, anxiety and escape reality rather than deal with my problems. I've taken a two month break now and hopefully can go back to responsible use to and act as an example of positive drug use.

 

[chugs]

i say we create forced education camps for adults over 40 to untrain them from decades of indoctrination that has been feed to them by governments and corporations.

no seriously i found that the only time people make changes in their beliefs are generally at moments of stress, aka 'when the shit comes to the head'. Its after this that most people are generally open to changing their life (because obviously whatever got them to that fucked up moment didn't work for them). Its like what like "alcoholics commonly refer to as a moment of clarity".

Not to go into detail but after a huge & violent family argument it was the E-Head of the family who calmed things down and got everyone talking about their feelings. What occurred was a huge turn around in everyones beliefs about everything from abusive histories, drug use, life choices and many other things. - Acceptance -

Essentially if someone has no reason (this does not include a logical argument) to change their mind, espeically if its someone like your mum, then ultimately you'll be arguing against a wall for the rest of your life.

take advantage of the next fucked up moment in your families life to force a change in behaviour.

 

[VelocideX]

The problem with levering people under times of emotional stress is that it's likely to make them more irrational and then to defend their beliefs even more fervently

 

[nickthecheese]

the fourth dimension is love

people also don't like being in the wrong, it's an ego bash for them. So when your uppity (i love that word) youngster is telling you about how "you've been lied to by the government", it can come across as quite insulting. Some people will think your calling them stupid....

I think the worst possible thing that parents can/could do is let an issue like drugs force the alientation or ostracisation of a child or familymemeber...I got caught out, but was lucky though.... *thanks powers that be that he has ex-hippy parents*

also, tell her to read "high society" by ben elton, and "Aint no bodys business if you do" by peter mcwilliams < two very good books (f + nf) on the subject of drugs...