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Getting Clean, Round #2479234791

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xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,009
Just kidding, I haven't actually tried getting clean 2479234791 times lol... realistically this is more like Round 3, at least as far as serious attempts go!! I've had plenty of lil half-assed attempts that never led to any real clean time beyond a day or two.

I wanted to make my own thread because today is my last day on Subs... I know that now it's gonna start getting really difficult (cravings are gonna start hitting me hard, they always do when the Subs run out), and I want somewhere that I can update my progress and talk to people going through the same shit and get advice and etc. without having to hijack the social thread, lol. The goal is to be able to look back on this thread a month, six months, a year, etc. from now and see how much progress I made. Plus it will be interesting to see what the timeline is like as far as acute withdrawals/PAWS go after a very short Sub taper. I only vaguely remember the timeline of symptoms from last time I got clean... I guess I could go find my old thread, but that shit was over a year and a half ago so it's probably archived somewhere by now anyway... and regardless, I'm sure I can expect this detox to be different since some things about it are different already.

This detox has been kind of weird, mostly because I relapsed for a couple of days in the middle of it. I first quit on like the 2nd of this month... got 5 days clean (taking small doses of Sub), relapsed for three days, and now I'm back at four days clean (still taking small doses of Sub). It's been ridiculously tame as far as detoxes go, even with Suboxone (which usually doesn't take away all the symptoms for me, this time it has for the most part tho)... but I'm sure that's going to change once the bupe starts leaving my system. I still don't expect to feel TOO horrible though... but most likely bad enough that it will be a challenge.

Then again, I don't expect it to be easy. Anyone who says kicking heroin is a walk in the park has never actually been strung out. It's SUPPOSED to be fucking difficult... gotta feel bad for a while, there is absolutely no way around it o_O
 
true that... I've had success with them in the past!! The two times I've managed to garner any real amount of clean time, it was after a rapid Sub taper. Suboxone seems to be one of those drugs that works differently for different people tho.

and thanks :)
 
thanks fusionz, you're awesome <3

aw thanks NSA!! My plan for getting clean is to start exercising regularly, find a job as soon as possible, avoid using friends and start spending more time with my non-using friends, try to learn something new everyday, and get back in touch with my spirituality. also start taking steps to at least improve, if not fix, other small problems in my life that I have as a result from being strung out for so long, like the debts I incurred while using and getting rid of all the clutter that built up around my house and etc. I also want to start snowboarding and making music again, but I'm gonna need money for both of those things, so they're on the back burner for now but definitely goals to work toward!!

so basically my plan is just to do work every day to make my life better so that one day I won't even feel a need to do heroin anymore, because I'll have made my life awesome without it :D
 
Sounds like a good plan.. remember that we get that elivated emotional response for quite awhile.. that incudes stress. Have to try and keep it really simple in the beginning.

Fire hard on all cylinders rite off the bat and we can make ourselfs even more crazy then we already will be. This leads to allot of people relapsing.

I think the slow and steady aproach of the turtle is much more sucsessful than the all out sprint of the hare.

If you stay clean for a year you can start to sprint and end up wherever you want to go.. but I would consider walking up to the start line.

Your the best.
 
that's good advice NSA... I totally agree with that too!! I think that's the reason I ended up relapsing when I got clean the first time... I just went too hard at everything too soon, and I both overwhelmed myself and felt like, "hey now it's okay to celebrate!!" I definitely plan on taking it easier on myself this time. :)

Anyway, I did relapse last night, I'm somewhat ashamed to admit :/ but at the same time, it's ok, because I plan on getting right back on Suboxone tomorrow. My mindset and motivation has also changed quite a bit... a huge improvement from where I was a couple of days ago. I actually have LSD to thank for that, haha (turns out that acid CAN be beneficial for opiate addiction). I actually made a trip report about it and how it helped me look at my life/addiction differently.

Above all, I now know with absolute conviction that no matter how many small slip ups I have made (I might even make a couple more along the way, who knows) that I'm going to be just fine and that I WILL make it out of this. I no longer fear my addiction. I don't feel like I control it either, per se... more like it's something I've come to terms with, and I know it's there, so I might as well learn how to treat it as a friend and get along with it instead of constantly trying to repeat the cycle of feeding it and then having to battle it once it's become too strong. I feel like I've learned how to accept it as a part of me and live with it... but without having to actually give in to it... if that makes sense? haha
 
You're doing great Xburtonchic! <3

When I was going through the last 3 months I had to keep telling myself to feel for the light at the end of the tunnel, because I sure as hell couldn't see it at the time

now I'm feeling better, though I still have really rough parts of days, and I still go through a lot of suicidal thoughts and stuff

I'm just noticing I'm able to laugh again, and I don't know when that started really, but it feels like I haven't laughed in months

My other advice, try to find a social setting where you can make friends that don't use drugs

even if it's going to a really open-minded church on sundays to grab a plate of food and talk with people (even if you don't believe in god); just an example where it would really help. other clubs, etc would help

part of the last relapse I had (the most major part) was that I was chronically alone for days/weeks at a time, and this doesn't help. I find being with someone who is supportive and loving has helped me get clean this time and it'll help me stay clean.
 
well I've been using again. but I've said it before and I'll say it again: I AM NOT GIVING UP. I literally don't care how many times I slip... I'll keep finding a lesson in it somewhere and then apply that shit while I get up and try again.

Anyway, I'm doing okay, despite the relapse... been making a much bigger effort lately to take care of myself, try to find a job, hang out with non-using friends, and actually get shit taken care of instead of putting it off so much. However, there's only so long that can last for if I keep using. I obviously have a problem with relapsing, no denying that anymore. The thing is, I know what it is that I'm doing wrong... and I know it's wrong while I'm doing it, a lot of the time I know it's not the right thing to do even BEFORE I do it. Mainly it's continuing to associate with heroin users. They're very rare, but there are one or two people I've met through the heroin game who I've actually grown to care about as human beings... they're good people who share the same spiritual views as I do, they're creative as hell which I LOVE in a person, as into music as I am, do their best to function despite their drug use and hold down jobs, don't burn people, etc... and they want to be clean just as badly as I do but are struggling with how to get there... just like me. They're just all around good people. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of those friendships, but why? I mean the reality of it is, we don't really hang out unless it's to score drugs.

The other thing is letting my mom get to me... I know I shouldn't... but for some reason, she is the only person in my life who knows how to make me feel utterly worthless and dehumanized and hopeless and depressed. And she does it often, I swear it's on purpose sometimes... I think she gets a kick out of being cruel. Idk. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her... she reminds me of this daily, so I try harder, but then she finds something else that's wrong with me. The worst part is when she doesn't let me defend or speak for myself... when she's standing there yelling at me about what a piece of shit she thinks I am, and if I so much as say a word I'm told to shut up... or if I so much as betray any sort of emotion on my face, I get reminded that my feelings aren't as valid as hers are, and she makes it clear that if I vent even the tiniest bit of anger in her presence, there will be hell to pay. That's the worst part, I always feel so dehumanized and wrong for feeling the way I feel when she does that, and like I'm going to explode from all the pent up feelings and emotions and words I didn't get to say, that I usually just end up crying alone in my room afterwards while using and/or making plans to use. It's exhausting, and I've been letting it get to me, and using it as an excuse to escape. She achieves this by using money - the fact that she is the one in control of whether my bank account and cell phone get shut down or not, and whether I have a place to live or not - to assert her control and dominance... which, of course, makes me feel even MORE powerless, because it forces me to obey her every command. I know I can't keep escaping... it won't solve the problem. I need to either figure out a way to make peace with the fact that's just who she is and not take the things she does and says so personally anymore or figure out some other way to deal with the situation rationally. Because as it is, I'm stuck with her for the forseeable future. I don't have the financial resources to move out yet, although that does motivate me even more to find a good job, and hopefully soon!! lol. On the plus side, I had a breakthrough this morning. She left me a nice little note to wake up to that was especially cruel, in which she also threatened to kick me out for falling asleep before I could put my dishes away (which I didn't even do on purpose), and so on... of course it started my day off horribly as it always does, and I was sitting there thinking things like, "I'll never be good enough, what's the point, might as well just keep using if I'm just going to end up on the streets anyway" and so on... but then my little pity party turned into something else: complete and utter anger. But not an unhealthy kind of anger, where I wanted to break shit and hurt people... it was the kind of anger where I was like, "You know what... NAH FUCK THAT SHIT. No one determines the kind of person I am or how my life goes except for ME," and I just felt more determined than ever to prove her wrong... to assert MY control over MY life, to become independent, and to get to laugh one day when she realizes she no longer has anything to hold over me.

More importantly, I'm angry at myself for letting it get to this point in the first place. But that just makes me more determined than ever too, because not only am I motivated to prove my mother wrong now, I'm motivated to prove MYSELF wrong and to show myself that I CAN do this because heroin does not have to control my life. I'm TIRED of outside forces controlling my life. I'M TAKING IT BACK, DAMN IT. :!

So anyway, I've set a new quit date for tomorrow... well, technically it's today, since my last dose will be today. Happy to say that I'm more prepared than ever... I have a plan in place, plenty of sober friends to be around, a potential job offer, and an array of comfort meds. I have three Zubsolv (I've only been using for a week, so that should be more than enough bupe to get me through the worst of it), a couple Klonopin, plenty of Clonodine, and weed... I've been stocking up for The Final Kick, haha. Oh, and I have PLENTY of determination and motivation.

So yeah. I am most definitely freaking doing this :D
 
Whats Zubsolv? Is that the new one that sticks to your inner cheek or something?

Also, re parents: The day I disconnected from my mother emotionally (to an extent) was one of the most important days of my life. She's still my mom, and we actually get along well now, partly probably because I live across the country from her now, but there were emotions there, anger and frustration at her parenting failures. Its not the same as your mom is (which is seriously awful by the way, you dont deserve that and to threaten to kick you out over something minor and never let you speak your mind - honestly I'd want to use too. It's not an EXCUSE to use, mind you, but that's serious emotional abuse, and its not cool.

Anyway my mom failed me really badly when I was a little girl, and for years I was waiting for her to realize this and apologize. And then one day I just realized that its never going to happen, and to keep hoping for it was to just torture myself for nothing. So I just disengaged from her emotionally a great deal. I stopped wanting an apology and wanting her to realize what she did and how wrong it was, I stopped wishing for the kind of mom that other people have, and I just let it all go. This isnt the same as forgiving her, thats not what I'm talking about, and I'm not saying forgive your mom, because what she's doing is wrong. I'm saying when she speaks cruelly to you, change the narrative in your head from "i cant believe she's being like this, she's my mom and im her daughter, she shouldnt talk to me like this and it hurts so much", to "this is a woman with issues. she's wrong about me, im not worthless. its she who has the problems. im going to keep working on getting a job and getting money so i can move out and be in a safe space. in the meantime my own mind will be my safe space, because i wont let her hurt me anymore. she can say what she wants and I will agree or keep silent to keep the peace, and in the meantime ill do everything I can to get out of here soon. i am good and beautiful and i have worth and value. her words cant hurt me".

You just have to disengage. And there can be a little bit of sadness with that, because it IS sad that you even have to do that, but sometimes its the best thing, you know? Its not saying you dont love her or care for her, its just saying that your relationship needs to change.

Thats just my two cents, it might not apply to your situation but I can tell it hurts you when she says those things and I just wanted to tell you that you dont have to endure that kind of pain. You can just let it go. xx

Good luck with quitting :) Tomorrow im going to try to cut my subs back again, ive been back up to 2mg the last couple days and I want to get off it and get it over with, so ill be in the same boat with you. We can do it :)
 
I'm at 1.5mg sub per day.. once in a while I take 2. Going to try to take 1 tomorrow. Dealing with a lot right now and kind of been leaning on subs a bit too much... but it's time to just drop them - I'm almost out and I don't want to reup, I just want to be done with it. THe other day I was out and needed more and I almost didn't go get them.. I was just so tired of it, and even tho I was starting to get sick I just didnt want to go, I just sat there in my apartment. Finally I got up and went and got a few more, but I really didn't want to - I so want to get off them and be clean and happy this summer. So yeah no real change, just hanging in, but going to try to make some moves this week and at least get down to .5mg. How are you doing?
 
Hey BlueSaffron, That's great though … you are on your way! Some don't want to even get off of the subs, you do! Which means you probably will… You are down to such a low dose. It's that last dose that's the hardest to jump off of, but you have been maintaining on a low dose which isn't easy. Takes a lot of dedication to not go up to 3, 4, 5. Hang in there.
Smoky <3
 
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