Ketamania
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2017
- Messages
- 1,120
I fell into the rabbit hole again.
I was 97 days clean, almost 100. The pressure was too much and I relapsed. Thinking I would only use for a day turned into a weekend, and turned into weeks.
A month has passed in a blink of an eye and I have made the decision today to quit again and hopefully for good.
I cannot risk my career, my future, for the guilty pleasure of feeling good. Actually who am I kidding? It is more than just feeling good. It solves all my problems, it has kept me from suicide.
I have done AA, and it helps a little bit but I still relapsed. I tried Suboxone and that kept me clean for the longest time, about five months, but then I could not get a refill and I relapsed a month later.
I want to get on Suboxone or methadone again because I think I have the best chance of recovery with it but my GP does not believe in it. In addition, due to the type of job I have I cannot be on Suboxone or methadone or many other sedating drugs.
I’m fucked.
I do not want my life to end up in jail or dead. Hell, I must have a serious Guardian angel because I have overdosed four times and lived. Lost about 80% of my hearing for several months it was terrifying.
Yet, this drug has its claws in deep and drags me back to the abyss.
I feel hopeless, I feel like I will turn out to nothing. I really don’t get how this could’ve happened to me, I was a very well achieving young adult on the way to a prestigious job and then everything got fucked up.
However, what has fucked me up the most is what people have said about me. They have said that I will just turn out just like my other family members and that I remind them of them.
My worst fear is ending up like them. I want to change the cycle and show everybody who doubted me, but I feel like I am at a wits end.
Is it too late to change my course? I wish I had never tried heroin.
I was 97 days clean, almost 100. The pressure was too much and I relapsed. Thinking I would only use for a day turned into a weekend, and turned into weeks.
A month has passed in a blink of an eye and I have made the decision today to quit again and hopefully for good.
I cannot risk my career, my future, for the guilty pleasure of feeling good. Actually who am I kidding? It is more than just feeling good. It solves all my problems, it has kept me from suicide.
I have done AA, and it helps a little bit but I still relapsed. I tried Suboxone and that kept me clean for the longest time, about five months, but then I could not get a refill and I relapsed a month later.
I want to get on Suboxone or methadone again because I think I have the best chance of recovery with it but my GP does not believe in it. In addition, due to the type of job I have I cannot be on Suboxone or methadone or many other sedating drugs.
I’m fucked.
I do not want my life to end up in jail or dead. Hell, I must have a serious Guardian angel because I have overdosed four times and lived. Lost about 80% of my hearing for several months it was terrifying.
Yet, this drug has its claws in deep and drags me back to the abyss.
I feel hopeless, I feel like I will turn out to nothing. I really don’t get how this could’ve happened to me, I was a very well achieving young adult on the way to a prestigious job and then everything got fucked up.
However, what has fucked me up the most is what people have said about me. They have said that I will just turn out just like my other family members and that I remind them of them.
My worst fear is ending up like them. I want to change the cycle and show everybody who doubted me, but I feel like I am at a wits end.
Is it too late to change my course? I wish I had never tried heroin.