Jennsicka
Greenlighter
Hello Bluelighters! I know my introduction is a bit lengthy, and if you have less than 5 min, skip me for now and just come back!! To all the people who stick around, thank you in advance, as I do tend to ramble!! I am 38 years old, newly single, no kids, and have 5 dogs. 2 of those dogs stayed with my x, and I kept 3 to come home with me. I can remember taking a pill, or a slurry, anytime I was to take a nap, or go to bed for the night. I don't know when it started, and I don't remember ever not having something to take.
My mom was an addict , and would often need to leave me home alone for hours at a time. The pills would allow her to leave me, "worry free". (She is 22 years sober now, and the best mom I thought i never had) After around 12 years old, I began to need to get up as well as go to bed. The rest, as they say, is history.
I have been abusing drugs since i was 14, when I found out that I had a tumor on my ovary and in my left breast, and would not be able to have children if I had the one (the size of a golf ball) in my belly removed. I had the breast surgery, and struggled with a prescribed benzo/opiate dependence, while in recovery.
However, it was just 2 months or so, and since I had such negative experiences with pills, I think I was mostly bored. I experimented with different substances, and had taken several by this time. I preferred to go faster, so that made me search out my favorite of all, and found my DOC, Cocaine, (IV) from 14-19, from that, I switched my preference to Heroin and Crack (IV and nasal-and smoked) from 19-24.
When I was 24 years old, the tumor started bleeding, and didn't stop. After 3 months, I was admitted to the hospital, told that I needed a DNC to evacuate the bleeding, and bits and pieces of the tumor. The total mass was about the size of a grapefruit now. Due to my ignorant addiction, I refused treatment, received a shot of heroin from a "friend", and out the doors I flew.
That was in November 2006. On april 12, 2007, I was admitted into the hospital, unconscious, covered in blood from the waist down, fever of 104.6 (right under my threshold of boiling guts) and no one knew who dropped me at the door, or who i was. I was in surgery for 12 hours.
Everything was infected, and I was in a coma. They took my tubes, ovaries, uterus, half of my bladder, my cervix, along with most of my vaginal canal, and a LOT of infected tumor bits. I will never have kids, will be on HRT for the rest of my life, and luckily escaped having to carry around my bladder in a bag, but will need to go to the bathroom about every 1-2 hours. (About 2ce as much as the average person which is about every 4 hours or 6-8 times a day) ---removed a dead end link---
I have not been on Hormone Replacements since 2010, and my last physical i was told that I have the body of an 84 year old woman. I have osteoporosis, arthritis, and a load of other issues that are either directly or indirectly related to my lack of hormones. From this experience, I stayed sober from April 12, 2007 until October 2018.
I was 11 years sober when I had knee surgery. I stayed on Rx Oxycodone 15 mg for 5 months, and was dismissed with a fun new item, called fibromyalgia, to add to my lengthy list of, IMO, avoidable health issues. After those 5 months, I began a 2 year chase back on the streets. This time, DOC was opiates, and I had NEVER meant to come down this road again.
I HATED taking pills, and I never liked how they made me feel. I never in a million years thought I would be celebrating my 12, 13, and now 14 year sobriety date, with a tourniquet on my arm, a needle in my hand, and a straw next to my line...but, here we are.
Now, a year or so ago, I sought help at a Methadone Treatment Center. I stayed clean for most of that year, only failing 3 drug screens in the beginning. Then, in Feb of this year, my husband of 12 years decided he couldn't stand to look at me anymore, "all doped up on methadone" and asked for a divorce.
I moved from our home in Florida, back to my old stomping grounds, by New Orleans, Louisiana. I was all set to transfer from my clinic to the clinic here, when I got a job as a live-in caregiver for a 94 year old dementia patient. Upon my arrival, I discovered my boss had already let all of the other women go, and I wasn't allowed to leave her alone. Therefore, I missed my transfer date by 3 days, and when i called to reschedule, they were going to have to start my dose over. I went from 120 mg of methadone/day to nothing in about 3 weeks. I did an alright job tapering myself, but I still got sick, and it was the worst I have EVER been. ALL WHILE TAKING CARE OF MY 94 YEAR OLD CLIENT, NO LESS!!
Needless to say, I was back in the game, looking for fentanyl within a month of being here. Since it is so hard to find, I have had to sub for H, and that has me sick again, even when I get "the best" there is out here...SOOOOOOOO, I am going back to the clinic. I have decided that I won't sacrifice my life, for this stupid chase. Someone is depending on me to feed, clothe, bathe, and care for them.
When I leave for the clinic in the mornings, I ask neighbors, friends, and relatives to sit here for a min while i ride 10 miles away to receive my meds. It has been tedious for almost a week. Since I haven't lived here in over 12 years, I don't know anymore of my connections, and it makes it a lot easier to refrain from searching it out, or socializing with the "wrong" crowd. However, I had to go find paper towels last night, because the store i get my deliveries from has been out of them for a month. AAAAAAAND.....low and behold, I found myself turning down the dope street.
I came back to the house, sat there with it for at least 30 minutes trying to convince myself that i didn't want it, but in the end i lost that battle. This morning, I want to do it again, but it is a strange color, and it tastes like literal assholes. It is the most strange flavor, and I am nervous about it. I know I felt good last night, (IV) but I have a strooooong feeling that there are benzos in there, to bulk it up. (My first drug test, I failed for BDP, even though I have not taken, touched, or even seen one since about a year ago) **I can also post that part in a drug question, but just thought I would ask it here, to see if anyone was still awake reading this book (lol)
The powder is mostly white, less tan than I've ever seen, and has some shimmer here and there. it looks like sand under the flash of my camera, right down to the clear pieces and small brown pieces too. I have never really seen anything like it, even when my fent addiction had me chasing foils errrrrday, from anyone on the street. (People give you some jacked up looking stuff, like they don't even care bc you a junkie and want to get out of there asap to be alone....lol) but, I digress. Like i said, I took a nice shot of it last night, and i felt good for about 5 minutes and then worked in the yard for 2-3 hours until i wanted another one. I didn't do another tho, just went in, took a shower, got her dressed and ready, and we both went to bed. I didn't notice how white it was until just now when i went to mix it up. Whats up with that, do ya think? What else could they be cutting boy with? I have heard that all the boy is being cut with fent, but let me tell ya, I WISH that i could find THOSE guys... Instead, I get some bull- messed up with freaking zannies or something....lol I want to do another shot, but want to hear if there are any opinions on it before hand. Oh, and by the way, I took a bump of it, and it burns mildly, and stopped me up completely, and it smells LIKE LITERAL ASS CHEEKS!! (I am not kidding!)
Alright people! thanks so much for listening, and I am glad to be here, an official "bluelighter"!!
I hope to help newbies as much as this site helped me. I have never taken something that I didn't research, I knew how to help my withdrawal symptoms, know what I can, or can't take together to prevent a bad tox in my body, and it is all because of people like you, and this damn good site, caring about the preventing of any harmful situations that come from negligence, or just lack of knowledge! So, that's me!
I have been coming to bluelight for my entire recent addiction, reading, learning, and preventing self harm. I love what yall do here, and want to be a part of the action now!! I need a support system, and I know that I will get that, without hesitation and anytime I need it with all you great BLUELIGHTERS!! Thanks for sitting through my story, I know it is long, and some of it is unnecessary, but I just had to talk about it, i guess!! I appreciate each one of you, and look forward to becoming some help to others as time passes on.
My mom was an addict , and would often need to leave me home alone for hours at a time. The pills would allow her to leave me, "worry free". (She is 22 years sober now, and the best mom I thought i never had) After around 12 years old, I began to need to get up as well as go to bed. The rest, as they say, is history.
I have been abusing drugs since i was 14, when I found out that I had a tumor on my ovary and in my left breast, and would not be able to have children if I had the one (the size of a golf ball) in my belly removed. I had the breast surgery, and struggled with a prescribed benzo/opiate dependence, while in recovery.
However, it was just 2 months or so, and since I had such negative experiences with pills, I think I was mostly bored. I experimented with different substances, and had taken several by this time. I preferred to go faster, so that made me search out my favorite of all, and found my DOC, Cocaine, (IV) from 14-19, from that, I switched my preference to Heroin and Crack (IV and nasal-and smoked) from 19-24.
When I was 24 years old, the tumor started bleeding, and didn't stop. After 3 months, I was admitted to the hospital, told that I needed a DNC to evacuate the bleeding, and bits and pieces of the tumor. The total mass was about the size of a grapefruit now. Due to my ignorant addiction, I refused treatment, received a shot of heroin from a "friend", and out the doors I flew.
That was in November 2006. On april 12, 2007, I was admitted into the hospital, unconscious, covered in blood from the waist down, fever of 104.6 (right under my threshold of boiling guts) and no one knew who dropped me at the door, or who i was. I was in surgery for 12 hours.
Everything was infected, and I was in a coma. They took my tubes, ovaries, uterus, half of my bladder, my cervix, along with most of my vaginal canal, and a LOT of infected tumor bits. I will never have kids, will be on HRT for the rest of my life, and luckily escaped having to carry around my bladder in a bag, but will need to go to the bathroom about every 1-2 hours. (About 2ce as much as the average person which is about every 4 hours or 6-8 times a day) ---removed a dead end link---
I have not been on Hormone Replacements since 2010, and my last physical i was told that I have the body of an 84 year old woman. I have osteoporosis, arthritis, and a load of other issues that are either directly or indirectly related to my lack of hormones. From this experience, I stayed sober from April 12, 2007 until October 2018.
I was 11 years sober when I had knee surgery. I stayed on Rx Oxycodone 15 mg for 5 months, and was dismissed with a fun new item, called fibromyalgia, to add to my lengthy list of, IMO, avoidable health issues. After those 5 months, I began a 2 year chase back on the streets. This time, DOC was opiates, and I had NEVER meant to come down this road again.
I HATED taking pills, and I never liked how they made me feel. I never in a million years thought I would be celebrating my 12, 13, and now 14 year sobriety date, with a tourniquet on my arm, a needle in my hand, and a straw next to my line...but, here we are.
Now, a year or so ago, I sought help at a Methadone Treatment Center. I stayed clean for most of that year, only failing 3 drug screens in the beginning. Then, in Feb of this year, my husband of 12 years decided he couldn't stand to look at me anymore, "all doped up on methadone" and asked for a divorce.
I moved from our home in Florida, back to my old stomping grounds, by New Orleans, Louisiana. I was all set to transfer from my clinic to the clinic here, when I got a job as a live-in caregiver for a 94 year old dementia patient. Upon my arrival, I discovered my boss had already let all of the other women go, and I wasn't allowed to leave her alone. Therefore, I missed my transfer date by 3 days, and when i called to reschedule, they were going to have to start my dose over. I went from 120 mg of methadone/day to nothing in about 3 weeks. I did an alright job tapering myself, but I still got sick, and it was the worst I have EVER been. ALL WHILE TAKING CARE OF MY 94 YEAR OLD CLIENT, NO LESS!!
Needless to say, I was back in the game, looking for fentanyl within a month of being here. Since it is so hard to find, I have had to sub for H, and that has me sick again, even when I get "the best" there is out here...SOOOOOOOO, I am going back to the clinic. I have decided that I won't sacrifice my life, for this stupid chase. Someone is depending on me to feed, clothe, bathe, and care for them.
When I leave for the clinic in the mornings, I ask neighbors, friends, and relatives to sit here for a min while i ride 10 miles away to receive my meds. It has been tedious for almost a week. Since I haven't lived here in over 12 years, I don't know anymore of my connections, and it makes it a lot easier to refrain from searching it out, or socializing with the "wrong" crowd. However, I had to go find paper towels last night, because the store i get my deliveries from has been out of them for a month. AAAAAAAND.....low and behold, I found myself turning down the dope street.
I came back to the house, sat there with it for at least 30 minutes trying to convince myself that i didn't want it, but in the end i lost that battle. This morning, I want to do it again, but it is a strange color, and it tastes like literal assholes. It is the most strange flavor, and I am nervous about it. I know I felt good last night, (IV) but I have a strooooong feeling that there are benzos in there, to bulk it up. (My first drug test, I failed for BDP, even though I have not taken, touched, or even seen one since about a year ago) **I can also post that part in a drug question, but just thought I would ask it here, to see if anyone was still awake reading this book (lol)
The powder is mostly white, less tan than I've ever seen, and has some shimmer here and there. it looks like sand under the flash of my camera, right down to the clear pieces and small brown pieces too. I have never really seen anything like it, even when my fent addiction had me chasing foils errrrrday, from anyone on the street. (People give you some jacked up looking stuff, like they don't even care bc you a junkie and want to get out of there asap to be alone....lol) but, I digress. Like i said, I took a nice shot of it last night, and i felt good for about 5 minutes and then worked in the yard for 2-3 hours until i wanted another one. I didn't do another tho, just went in, took a shower, got her dressed and ready, and we both went to bed. I didn't notice how white it was until just now when i went to mix it up. Whats up with that, do ya think? What else could they be cutting boy with? I have heard that all the boy is being cut with fent, but let me tell ya, I WISH that i could find THOSE guys... Instead, I get some bull- messed up with freaking zannies or something....lol I want to do another shot, but want to hear if there are any opinions on it before hand. Oh, and by the way, I took a bump of it, and it burns mildly, and stopped me up completely, and it smells LIKE LITERAL ASS CHEEKS!! (I am not kidding!)
Alright people! thanks so much for listening, and I am glad to be here, an official "bluelighter"!!
I hope to help newbies as much as this site helped me. I have never taken something that I didn't research, I knew how to help my withdrawal symptoms, know what I can, or can't take together to prevent a bad tox in my body, and it is all because of people like you, and this damn good site, caring about the preventing of any harmful situations that come from negligence, or just lack of knowledge! So, that's me!
I have been coming to bluelight for my entire recent addiction, reading, learning, and preventing self harm. I love what yall do here, and want to be a part of the action now!! I need a support system, and I know that I will get that, without hesitation and anytime I need it with all you great BLUELIGHTERS!! Thanks for sitting through my story, I know it is long, and some of it is unnecessary, but I just had to talk about it, i guess!! I appreciate each one of you, and look forward to becoming some help to others as time passes on.
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Go get your smoke on! hahaha
What is a paragraph? No, im kidding...but, do you mean, like double spaced paragraphs? Because I thought that i had at least 3 in there....I am always getting told about my run-ons and lack of paragraph use...I just get so excited to be typing!!! LOL...I will try an edit and see how it goes. Thanks for the advice!!
Appears one already is in love so let's get on with it, no?
lad ya around to tell about it.
