Getting a broken heart to trust again - Our Story

S

SpeedLimit55

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 18, 2000
Messages
2,499
Location
GA
By now I'm sure many of you have heard the rumors.
Some of you may wonder why I'm placing this very private, painful story on the board for all to see.
It's very simple really.
Flower and I share damn near everything with our friends, our family.
Over the past couple of years, this board has become an integral part of our core group of friends, and at some point, became our family.
We share our good news with the bad, our smiles with our tears.
Unfortunately, this one is a tearful one.
It's a bit long, just to warn you.
I met Flower late last year and fell head over heels in love in almost no time.
We are now happily married and every day it seems my love for her triples.
For those of you who don't know her, I can't even begin to express what a void your life truly holds.
To those who have met her, you know her physical beauty. She can stop the actions of an entire room simply by walking in.
Dark black hair, deep ice blue eyes, and skin so soft you'd think it to be fake.
To those of you who've read her posts online...then you know the real reason I fell for her.
That seemingly endless array of knowledge and endless wit, nicely packaged into a head which holds a face so beautiful it's brought more than just a few tears to my eyes.
Articulate to say the least, words flow from her head onto the keyboard and land on this board in a way that even the most eloquent of writers envy.
Accompany her absolutely breathtaking beauty with one of the most intelligent minds the world has EVER seen,(She graduated high school at 13, scored in the UPPER 1500's on her SAT's and two college degrees by 18 ) and you'll begin to see just why I was sucked in so quickly.
Our relationship, like all others, had it's bumps early on...I was amazed, however, at how quickly our love healed any and all wounds caused by anyone, even us.
Anyway, I'm starting to drag, as I always do when I start talking about her...Suffice it to say I love this woman with more intensity then any amount of words will ever be able to express.
In late October of last year, (Just before ********* 2)I moved to Orlando, from Atlanta, to be with her.
March of this year, on our 6 month anniverssary, we were married.
I can't TELL you the number of people who wrote this relationship off as a failure, even from the very beginning.
I'm glad to say they were wrong.
But they almost weren't.
Flower and I both came from VERY bizarre backgrounds, and even more terrifying relationships.
Her ex, an alcoholic, beat her, cheated on her, and demeaned her in ways can't even bear to repeat.
Mine cheated on me more times than I care to count (or even know of) then a few months after we broke up took her own life...breaking my heart for the second time.
To anyone who has been in a relationship where you TRULY love the other person, you may understand the pain I'm about to speak of.
The pain, no, the agony, of being cheated on.
I swore to Flower that I would NEVER cheat on her, and she echoed that promise to me even louder.
Perhaps two weeks into our relationship, some VERY bizarre things started to occur.
Death threats were sent to her home, rumors were flying wildly (as they so often do on this board), and threats of "breaking up their relationship" came at us from every angle.
While we couldn't understand who was doing them, or why they were being done, we pressed on in our new lives together.
One particular person became involved in a lengthy discussion with one of my close friends.
To make a horribly long story a bit shorter, this was the jist of the conversation that I remember best.
Quote:
"I'm going to fuck [SpeedLimit55] just to spite [Flower]".
Horrible isn't it?
That wasn't the worst of the conversation, but it is the most relevant.
Moving on...
To those of you who know me, you know I love narcotics.
I have a tolerance that rivals that of PhreeX ( ;) ) and an obsession that rivals that of my love of Flower. (j/k baby :) )
You also know that I simply CANNOT take benzos. The effect(s) they have on me is so wide, and almost always horrible, that I am forced to steer clear.("Benzo's" refers to a particular class of prescription drug. Think "Valium" or "Xanax" for a reference)
As I was saying...
Approximately two weeks into our relationship, the person that spoke to my close friend came to town to visit.
While I wasn't quite sure if the conversation had ACTUALLY happened, I, despite a request from my girlfriend, agreed to meet up with this young lady...it was our first time meeting.
We met up...I ended up taking an EXTREMELY large aamount of Klonopin (a Benzo) and drinking a six pack of beer.
Bad Idea to say the least.
I won't go into details of what, nor will I hypothesize as to 'why', I will tell the truth.
I ended up sleeping with this person...the same person who had planned on it all along, "Just to spite [Flower]".
Even though we were only 2 weeks into our relationship, the guilt IMMEDIATELY set in.
Saying I was 'heartbroken' does no justice to the way I felt.
I INSTANTLY felt regret, even as the event was taking place.
Sadly, like so many men before me, I let drugs and the God forsaken organ between my legs get the best of me. (She's not even ATTRACTIVE either!)
So on our relationship went...this secret all the while burning a hole in my heart and gouging at my soul.
I wanted to tell Flower, I truly did.
But I feared that if I did, her heart would ONCE AGAIN be broken (something I REFUSE to do), and I would lose any chance at furthering our relationship.
Fast Forward several months.
By this time we've become closer than any friends I've ever had, and certainly closer than any couple I've ever wittnessed.
"True Love" is a misnomer in our case.
Our relationship truly is the epitomy of love.
But I had to fuck that up, didn't I?
You would think the responsible side of me would've taken over, and I would've come clean about this detestable act BEFORE asking her to marry me.
But I couldn't.
She had finally let down all her walls....she had trusted me....she had allowed me to come closer to her heart and soul than any other man (or woman) had, or will ever, be.
I couldn't do it now, I just couldn't.
I know the story is getting long, so I'll try to shorten it up and get to the point(s).
Basically...the guilt finally got the best of me.
Two nights ago I confronted my wife, the woman I love more than life itself.
I told her the heartbreaking news.
I confessed to her my sins.
I had to sit there and watch the color in her eyes, her face, and I imagine, her heart, fade away into oblivion:
Carrying with it any trust she had in me.
Many screams, many more tears, and a countless amount of questioning later, we went our seperate ways and made our way for bed.
I wouldn't DARE ask her to leave the room, and I knew she wouldn't want to be sleeping in the same bed as me, so I made my way to the guest bedroom and slept there for the night.
Rather, I layed there...in tears...my fists LITERALLY tearing the pillow cases...my nails cutting my skin on my face...the tears from my eyes soaking the bed more than the sweat from my body.
Even as I laid there in more pain than I had ever experienced, (this made the pain of being cheated on by my ex look like a prick on the finger), I knew she was hurting more.
I prayed for death.
I couldn't beleive I had done the one thing I swore I'd never let ANYONE else do, and promised I myself would never do.
I hurt this beautiful creature more than she had ever been hurt.
Ya know what though?
Here I am, TWO NIGHTS LATER...and today I feel we were closer than any other day.
She hasn't gotten over it yet, of course not.
But we have talked...for almost 48 hours STRAIGHT.
I've held her close as she cried, I've turned the other cheek when she (deservedly) hit me, I've begged and pleaded with her for forgiveness...as all the OTHER slimeballs that cheat on the women they love do.
And I am just that.
No, I'm worse.
I felt so ashamed to even say the words "I'm Sorry" as I knew how meaningless they were.
But this just proved to me, once again, that I have the best wife anyone could ask for.
As we talked it over, she explained to me the rather akward position she was in.
"You are my best friend.
You are the only person I trust.
You are the man I love more than anything on the planet.
You are the one I go to when I am hurting.
This time, you are the one who hurt me."
If I were her, I would've left. I would've packed everything up and never looked back, as she can, and should, do SO much better than me.
But she's not like that.
She knows how much I've changed...how different I am.
She also realizes I will NEVER hurt her again.
This is my public apology to her.
Flower, I love you.
No amount of pathetic drivel will ever explain to you the pain I have caused myself, let alone you.
I beg for your forgiveness, even as I realize I will NEVER forgive myself.
You are my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my life.
Thank you for the countless nights you've been my shoulder to cry on...and even moreso, for continuing to let me be your shoulder.
I do truly love you with all my heart, body, mind and soul.
I emplore you all now, my family, to help her. Help us.
While I freely admit our relationship now is stronger than ever, I still want your help.
Please talk to her.
Give her advice.
Give me advice.
Please give us suggestions, of any kind, in any matter.
Please also take this time to ream me the fuck out, as I know I deserve it.
I love this woman more than many of you know...and I want to make sure I do everything in my power to make this right.
Any stories of relationships where the pain has been turned around?
Any imput is appreciated and welcome.
Thank you all...
Flower, I love you my dear, always and forever.
Thank you, and I'm sorry.
[ 28 May 2002: Message edited by: SpeedLimit55 ]
 
I had been seeing a wonderful man off and on for months... off only because we lived a few states away from each other. He was finishing up graduate school and I was full-time in a biochemistry program with a full-time job. Neither one of us had the time for a full-blown involvement, and we were both a bit wary. You see,h e was one of my best friends in the world (still is!), and that bond is one of the most crucial things in my life. Those who know me (Flower and Speds) were by my side from the beginning of this friendship turned lovers, and it was a very difficult time for me. Not because of the man I was with - he was so amazing and patient and gave me his love no matter how many times I shied away and hid my heart from him.
I ended things on the phone, from work, two states away, with no warning and no feeling in my voice. When he told me later that he had hated me for two days, my response was "Good, it was for the best." I was being ever-so logical and prudent, and I hurt one of the most wonderful people that I have ever known. And he forgave me. And I was blessed enough to keep him in my life, and now we still have our mind-blowing friendship. So many times after we saw each other or talked, and there was a pain in me that was deafening, blinding. The complete loss of your pride, your mind, your heart ... and the forgiveness of someone you love ... this combination is one of the most powerful that I can fathom.
My personal relationship with you two holds me back from saying anything here, and I know you both understand that. I love you both too much to have an 'opinion' on what has happened. My job is to love you unconditionally, to be here for you both if ever you should need anything - and that's what I shall do.
Spedly: I met a beautiful boy who I knew from the start had the potential to be the most amazing man. You have your wife, your heart, your mind. Do what you have to do to be the man and husband you want to be, I know it's in you.
Flower: remember your first law of thermodynamics baby girl. It has served us both well in our lives, and the meaning of it changes with every breath, but the core remains the same. Never created, never destroyed. Constant in all things, only different forms.
 
Flower, I'm sorry I fucked your husband while he was drugged to the gills. It will never, ever, ever happen again. Next time I'll just sweet talk the cute little bastard out of his boxers while he's still sober...and you know I can do it.
Sorry SL55, but that is how I "ream you the fuck out..." ;)
BTW, there is no advice that can be given. The only thing that matters is your commitment to each other, whether or not you are both willing to fight for it and still maintain your trust in each other. Nothing that can be said or conveyed will change the way either one of you feel right now...only your own internal voice can be heard.
Spedly, you're a good fuckin' kid...I absolutely KNOW this. No shit...I'm not blowin' smoke up yer ass here. Even the best, most decent, most upstanding people can do shitty things every now and then...that doesn't make 'em shitty people...it just makes them human. What makes a shitty person is repetition of shitty actions and intentions, not shame, guilt, and regret for one action.
Spedly, let me give you a little advice about interacting with the people you love most...no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much you cringe at the thought, you HAVE to be honest with them from the get-go. Don't try to spare them the pain of your fuck-ups...share it with them. Show them you care enough to rip yourself open in front of them, regardless of how much you know it's going to hurt (them and yourself). If you truly love them, they deserve that. In my opinion, that's the only true expression of the deepest love. Any rat turd with no depth of character or capability for love can lie.
Don't be the rat turd, Spedly...I expect better of you from now on.
:)
 
OMG, that was absolutely amazing/heartbreaking/stunning.
I'm glad that everything looks to be alright. I hope nothing but the best for the both of you.
For I too know the feeling of betrayal and betraying under the influence.
I just wasn't lucky enough to have a forgiving flower as you do.
much love,
taz.
ps: if you happen to stumble across this, I do still care for you, deeply.
 
Speedlimit bro I'm at work reading this and have a
lump in my throat (hope the guys aren't watchin' i'll lose my tough guy image).
11 weeks ago now I broke up with my true love, my best friend, a woman that I would die for, in a sentence 'she completed me'.
We were best friends (and still are) for 2 years prior to starting our relationship which itself lasted 4 years and 7 months which for a guy of 20 (I hold myself as a mature person)is an extensive relationship IMHO.
To get on with it, I too withheld my indiscretions from her in the same way you describe. I couldn't bare to lose someone so special to me. For 11 months I let this secret eat away at me, every little thing she did for me, the compasion, the time, the effort she displayed for me compounded the guilt 10 fold.
Not only was I lying to her I now felt I was using her (emotions are soo hard to explain). Eventually after 4 years 7 months, holidays with my family, living together for 6 months and a whole bunch of special times I knew I couldn't go on with this relationship.
I confessed, she cried, I cried, she cried some more. Once the emotions calmed down we talked and talked and decided it was best if we split. She could no longer promise me unconditional trust which we both hold in high regard for a relationship to work. I still love her & she still loves me and we are still best friends today.
She deserves better than me I know this now and have grew from my experience which I urge you to do. I have also found a new level of respect for women and what they provide to life itself.
I hope you and flower can work through this it will take time, love, family and friends but all is not lost.
Flower, for a Spedly to explain his feelings so refreshingly and freely it shows great character and though I don't know you's can feel the bond you share and whatever happens that bond can not be diminished.
Peace out
~Chris
 
Very touching to feel you expressing yourself personally and truthfully. I understand where you are coming from.
Basically, you make mistakes, you grow, you learn. If you are with someone who will tolerate your fuck-ups, then you're a lucky person. Like cats, sometimes we have nine lives as well.
It's better to be grateful than to take for granted. Carpe diem.
 
... what can you say to a story like this. If my heart wasn't frozen and hardend by others I would smile at your (both of you) triumph over tyranny.
 
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts." -Wooden
Hey Speed....I am at work as well and Holy Christ man...that is the most amazing act of selflessness that I have ever seen. I think you did the right thing. I applaud your efforts. I hope all ends well. I honestly don't know what to say to this. Good luck my friend.
Chris
 
I have recently found myself in a similar situation. My fiance and love of my life for nearly six years cheated on me a couple of months ago while under the influence. My first instinct was to leave, to get away from him and the pain he caused me. But that instinct left me as soon as I realized that he was in as much, maybe even more, pain than me. For about two weeks after it happened I alternated between severely depressed and incredibly furious. I stayed some nights in hotels and with friends and others in his arms. Like your relationship we are best friends and it is hard to not be able to cry to your best friend about someone hurting you because they're the one who is doing it this time. My advice to you both is to just continue talking with each other and be completely honest about the way you are feeling. Things will get better if you are willing to stick them out. It will get easier and you will be able to trust one another again. It has taken countless conversations and long nights filled with tears but I can honestly say that I trust my fiance again, and like you guys we are closer because of this. I wish you both nothing but the best. Be good to each other and just remember to always be honest. *hugs and kisses* Good Luck!
 
Honesty has it's place. And marriage is one of those places. I applaud you for coming clean when you did not have to. I am sure she will appreciate that in the future. At least she knows now that her trust in you was legitimate. You must forgive yourself. Then she can foregive you. Just never forget the horrible feeling and remember it next time temptation knocks at your door. If the two of you can work through this then you have a very solid foundation in your marriage. Use it to your advantage as a painful lesson learned. One not worth repeating!
 
To forgive
Is not to forget.
To forgive
Is really to remember
That nobody is perfect
That each of us stumbles
When we want so much to stay upright
That each of us says things
We wish we had never said
That we can all forget that love
Is more important than being right.
To forgive is really to remember
That we are so much more
Than our mistakes
That we are often more kind and caring
That accepting another's flaws
Can help us accept our own.
To forgive is to remember
That the odds are pretty good that
We might soon need to be forgiven ourselves.
That life sometimes gives us more
Than we can handle gracefully.
To forgive is to remember
That we have room in our hearts to
Begin again
And again,
And again.
...And again.
- Author Unknown
 
right now i have no good advice, no charming words...but i have to say one thing. You two are stronger than you realize. I admire you both...and love you to death. Besides that, you know my ears are always ready to listen...and if you should ever need anything...i am here.
 
Wow- what an amazing story, and absolutely amazing relationship you two have. I really have no advice, because I don't think you need any. You two obviously know what a special love you two share and cherish it deeply. And you communicate so well- that's what keeps a relationship afloat. I don't know either of you, but from what I've read, I think you two are 'for real' I wish you the best of luck in the future and nothing but hapiness for the both of you.
 
Thank you, all of you. For your thoughts, your advice, your comments.
And Josh - thank you, my love. For being man enough to communicate honestly with me, and to be willing to put everything you have into making this relationship work. I love you with all my heart, baby.
 
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