Generation Rx First Casualty

[Feldais]

Where to I start? Should I begin this by saying that a family member recently died? That she was the first out of our family's (my) generation to die due to drugs or drug induced seizures? Should I admit that we were closer as kids then in the present? That her death, although shocking, hasn't brought many tears?

There are no tears for this death, because a year ago I completely wrote off that side of my family. But, it does put a lot into perspective. I look around me and see just about everyone into drugs. Poly abusers to be specific and I find myself wondering who will be next? Will it be her brother? My uncle? Me?

I don't know where to go with this. I suppose I just needed to get some of these thoughts out in the open. Because however sobering this news may be to me, in my heart it changes nothing in the way of abuse. I may lay off or secretly up my intake and tell everyone I am cutting down.......either way I feel as lost as lost could be. And the only thing keeping me together is a tiny last thread of hope that somewhere, someday all the bullshit drama and triggers in my life will be over and I can move on.

But, until that day I remain married to my habits and hope to God that those habits don't get the best of me. Right now, as I write, I am sick. And not in the flu sense of the word. Coming down from Opies and Amps will put anyone in a very dark state of mind. Thankfully, I have been able to put aside thoughts and emotions detrimental to myself inside a nice airtight safe. I know this shall pass, but what is the dark truth is this.......Sickness is something I have been able to overcome many times.......but the thought of quitting and never touching any drug again scares me more then any DT I have ever gone thru.

Thank god for Bluelight. Cuz, if it weren't for this platform I believe I would be out doing shit a lot worse then feeling sorry for myself and writing it on the net for everyone to see and comment on. Please never go away. The people in here have had more understanding and support then anyone in my family or personal life. Thank you.

xoxoxoxoxo
RIP Adie 1982-2011

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The TDS mods will help you out with where this belongs. I believe they will move it to the Shrine, however I'm not 100% sure.

I am sorry your family member passed away, much peace and love to your family.

 

[effie]

Hi Feldais, thank you for posting here I hope it helped you..

Firstly, I am so sorry for the death of your relative

Anyone you know dying is always a shock, and the added confusion of not having been close to them recently despite being very close in the past must make your emotions all the more difficult to understand. Have you got anyone you can talk to about this (apart from us of course) and have you considered counselling? It might really help you to work through everything you are expressing here..

I know how you feel about the drugs - it's such a shock the first time someone succumbs, you always feel it won't happen to you somehow.. and taking drugs is always going to involve playing with fire to a certain degree, and unfortunately we are not indestructable. It is not abnormal however to be scared of the impact of drugs yet also feel unable to quit yourself - quite the opposite, I think, especially in the wake of something like this. The fear of never touching a drug again is very common, and something AA/NA/drugs counselling can help with hugely, if you wanted to go down that route - there are a lot of resouces in the TDS directory.. I completely understand how terrifying a thought it is, and I am sure a lot of people in here can relate to that as well

Also, I'm so sorry you are sick at the moment on top of everything else. That must make it all a lot harder to take in. Be kind to yourself at the moment - look after yourself, get rest, eat well, exercise.. have a think about what is important in your life. Take some time to let all this sink in and for you to re-evaluate it all. Get some support from real-life, if you possibly can - I really can't recommend seeing a counsellor or therapist enough - and keep talking to us on here..

Much to you and I am so sorry for your loss, it's absolutely tragic to lose someone so young and I know how completely senseless it feels

edit: I wasn't planning on moving this to the shrine as I think it would be really useful to get some TDS input, but I can do of course..

 

[Feldais]

Thank you all for the kind words. They are more appreciated then you can believe at the moment. I don't mind if that post was put into the shrine. I was on it last night for quite a while and pondering when I will start to see more youngins, friends, family, or even myself on there someday.

This is therapy for me. I have been to shrinks before and I feel so much more comfortable with this community on BL. Especially when people around me have no idea or clue of some of the stuff that goes around in this head.

I haven't been posting much cuz I have recently started school again. I thank Tink for writing a few months back concerned that I hadn't been on. Much love and respect. That is what brings me here. Who thought going to The Dark Side you could also find some light?

 

[effie]

^ that's what makes this place so amazing

You'll get more responses orientated towards you and how you are if it stays here, so I'll leave it for a bit unless you especially want it moving, if that's okay with you

Keep talking to us

 

[painenduser]

While this may be The Dark Side, we are like Motel 6, we'll always leave the light of for you! I am real sorry for your loss, It's never easy to lose a family members even if the family is split along some lines, and more so when the person is closer to your own age, it kind of puts some perspective to your own life and makes you realize how fragile life can be. Even if you don't feel any different in how you live your own life, it has obviously effected some part of you because it has made you think of things, if it hadn't you wouldn't have felt the need to post anything, so that is a sense is a good thing. Maybe right now it doesn't seem like much but maybe a little further down the road you will look back and have that Ah-ha moment, who knows, but it does show that it's made you think and that to me is a good think, and I'm glad you posted. You having posted may actually help someone else in their thinking. So I'm glad your posted I sure hope you feel better, and again I'm sorry for the lose of family. Hope to see you post some more. I have found that sometimes even if you aren't sure at the moment why your posting, at some point it will make some sense to you, who knows, maybe you'll look back on this post in a couple weeks, and something will just click for you and it all will make sense. So even if your not sure why your posting, just go ahead and post! All my best to you!

Pain