General 'life itself' changes since using mdma.

[clarkey1984]

I have been raving for a long time, and never did any drugs up until february this year, and i can see a change in myself over the months and repeated use that has followed, and for the most part, i think its good...

I've always been as soft as shit, some would say too soft, total pushover, doormat, mug, one of those people who is too nice for his own good and leaves himself open to have the piss taken out of him is pretty much the pitch we are playing on.

But i can see the change in myself, i wouldnt go as far to say that im uncaring, if someones in trouble or something then if i could help then i would, as i always have, but whereas before, if someone had got themselves into a twattish situation and id bail them out, the 'new' me wouldnt do that.

Some have said that i have 'come out of my shell' over recent times, some say im tougher, maybe a bit less sympathetic, but if i had to describe it myself id say that i have much more of an attitude and a sarcastic and very blunt and to the point side that i never knew before.

Ill give a for instance, if a mate for example had come to me lets say a year ago and said oh i lost a load of money on a fruit machine that i thought was going to pay out, can you lend me 20 quid so i have enough to settle my rent or something then id probably say well ok but just learn your lesson from it, where as nowadays id be like nah mate, not my problem, serves you right, nobhead!

I think im just a much harsher character in general really, which all in all i think is good, as i know a few people (my parents for one) that were praying for me to just stop being everyones bail out boy and to get a bit more streetwise and not let myself be taken for a fool, but there are times when i know im basically being a cunt but i just dont care, coz whatever it is is self deserved, plus i look on it as, if id have done whatever they just have, would they help me out?

sorry for the random thread here but i thought its quite a good talking point.

 

[LuGoJ]

Not sure if that's a change for the better. You can learn not to get taken advantage of without being callous towards your friends. I could understand if some random dude came up to you and asked but not a real friend. My friends are my family, we thrive together and we suffer together. If you feel like your friends wouldn't help you out when you are in trouble then you need new friends.

The world needs more sympathy and understanding, not less.

 

[Cornishman]

Doing drugs will definitely have an impact on your attitude.

Maybe mdma has shortened your fuse somewhat.
I see it alot amongst friends.

 

[LuGoJ]

That doesn't sound like the typical reaction to MDMA use i have seen over many years. I can't say i have known anyone that has a shorter fuse because of MDMA, quite the opposite.

 

[Cornishman]

^^ Maybe if it's used correctly.

 

[F1n1shed]

I think what happens with mdma is when you first start using it you gain a new perspective on people. You become less judging and more accepting of people. But what tends to happen is those emotions leave and you may become more sinical over time. That has been the experience with me and all my friends, they are generally more of ass holes now. Mdma does nothing good for your serotonin system and reduces activity going on in your axon terminals. I think the lower serotonin production frustrates a person and generally makes them more depressed meaning they may not be as caring as they once were and may take out they're feelings on others.

 

[Hapomen22]

I can relate to this, even though I'm a pretty new user (rolled 2 times, once on 125mg and once on 170mg 5 weeks apart). Like I saw this chick that I used to do Taekwondo with, she totally changed and looks so hot now, didn't see her for over 8 years and the best I could come up with was 'Yeah, well you didn't grow eh...' that was kinda asshole attitude and she replied 'Yeah, you didn't changed either' (with that fake smile) thing is I even smiled and didn't care. Funny thing when I go to check out, she was the cashier and just started a convo with me... hm girls I will never understand.

 

[thelastclubkid]

That doesn't sound like the typical reaction to MDMA use i have seen over many years. I can't say i have known anyone that has a shorter fuse because of MDMA, quite the opposite.

agreed... the 'normal' me is typically a condescending prick with a very little empathy for people who do stupid things... however since i started rolling again ive noticed that i am much more empathetic and understanding of peoples shortcomings... this doesnt translate to me letting things go or being taken advantage of but rather simply having an understanding that not everyone is perfect and to cut them a bit of slack from time to time...

i have been rolling alot in the past 2 years and recently i finally made the decision to scale back my usage a bit simply as a precaution (i had felt i wasnt as motivated or on point recently)... anyway after not rolling for just a few weeks i noticed my cognitive abilities were back 110% but also my asshole attitude as well... also i want to note that im not feeling any sort of mood disorder; i feel great either way and im not unhappy or depressed or frustrated... its literally condescending vs. empathetic...

 

[LuGoJ]

Clarkey, how many times have you rolled since February and what are the doses like?

 

[futura2012]

Hello Clarkey

Interesting thread mate.

MDMA certainly made some permanent changes in me thats for sure.

For me MDMA initially made me more selfish, more sociable and had loads of energy.

Then over time more and more crazy too much energy.

Now after having a few issues Nervous, Over sensitive and a total push over.

It certainly makes changes in people.

I think initially positive ones. If you over do it like I did they can unfortunately turn negative.

 

[clarkey1984]

Luckily, i have documented every rave i have attended this year (25 and counting, jeez!) and as i know which raves i rolled at, i can give the dates, and how much i took, and theres even a few pics, altho other peeps blacked out to protect those who dont want their face on a drug forum, whereas me, oh well :D ...

first ever roll, 25-02-12, did 100mg, followed by about 30mg an hour or so later, felt bloody amazing, loved it.

2nd roll, 14-04-12, had about 200mg in one hit, altho this time had had a couple of beers, and altho i rushed and raved, i didnt get the whoosh come up, just went to the happy spacey dancey stage, lasted a good 5 or 6 hours, altho i was very gurney, and unable to piss for a good few hours. ***PIC***

3rd roll, 09-06-12, 250mg after a few beers again, rocked and raved, came up and felt a little floored but after 5 minutes sat down i was fine, one of the best fun rolls i have, even if a little blurred due to the beers, the fact that it was a foam party made me love it more too. ***PIC***

4th roll, 15-06-12, 125mg bomb followed by another 125 bomb about an hour and a half later, again, had had a few beers earlier, nice rush but seemed to peak and then run out fairly early on, lasted 2 to 3 hours max.

5th roll, 06-07-12, 250mg in one bomb, no drinking alcohol involved at all, floored, past the point of fun, monged out, fucked, well, for about an hour, then i was aliiive, although lots of jaw clenching and the undesirable side effects, then the peak started to end after about 3 hours, and i regrettably decided to do the other 250mg bomb, which failed to pick me back up, just made me gurn more and not be able to go for a wee more, i went a bit too far. ***PIC***

6th roll, 28-07-12, one bomb of 150mg and a few dabs straight outta the bag onto the tongue, so id say just under 200mg in total, tasted like shit but certianly helped me rush harder, probably the best roll i have had, so so so much fun.***PIC***

7th roll, 04-08-12, decided to cut back with the usage, so one 100mg bomb followed by a couple of key bumps so id say total of maybe 140, rushed mildly for about an hour if that then it all came crashing down, i felt sober and straight, only worse than sober, tired, not up for it, bored, went home early.

 

[LuGoJ]

You were doing well with your spacing the first two times but then it went down the shitter lol

You could just be feeling the affects of overdoing it. When I abused it early on I definitely noticed that I got agitated more easily and actually became more antisocial. That cleared up after a nice long break and always making sure I waited an absolute minimum of 1 month in between rolls, although longer is recommended and i generally enjoyed the rolls more when i would wait 3 months or so.

My advice, take a little break and space out more. If you feel like you have friends that are really taking advantage of you then find new friends, a good friend will help you out when you need it and will not abuse your kindness. There will be times down the road where your life is shit and you will need those friends yourself.

As for being soft and being tough, you need to find a balance. People who are capable of both and know when to use either to their advantage get further in life than those that are only capable of one.

 

[clarkey1984]

Cheers LuGoJ, i know my spacing has been somewhat sporadic, sometimes 6 weeks, sometimes 6 days, its coz i pretty much drive to every event, but the oppertunities where i have either got a lift/train/ whatever to an event, or have had a place to crash round after that is close to the rave and i dont have to drive home again for a day or 2 is where i have done mdma, and as i would never ever drink drive, the same principle remains for me when it comes to any substance.

And as for the soft tough thing, i have been by my own admittance, a complete mug over the years, if i add up money lent out to money repaid i have probably seen barely 10% come back to me, and if i add it up, which i wont, but roughly, theres probably about just short of a grand somewhere out there, altho its usually to do with the ladies, i was settled down and ready to marry once (we had engaged and set a date, woulda been our 2nd wedding anniversary this month come to think of it if it had gone ahead) but that all came to an end and that was that, dived right back into the rave scene that id left behind because the ex never liked hardcore and totally loved it, and still do, but there is other things behind me being too soft...

Im not a man slag or anything, altho im not going to lie, i have shagged about a bit, in the scene theres still somewhat of a everyone loves everyone vibe, crazy afterparties etc, casual sex happens, but, after nearly 6 years with the same girl, and being ready to settle down and marry her, i really miss the companionship side of things, truth be told that despite my massive raving family and all that jazz, im quite a lonely person, and the second i meet someone i spark with, even if i dont really know them at all, i tend to go all out with the grand over zealous gestures, just to prove that im serious, but to some, or should i say every single one i end up with, they see it as right ok, lets play along, rinse this geezer for everything i can and then fuck off.

Deposit for a flat, that was one girl, then, another missus, bought her a car, paid for the materials and redecorated her house, went to hers after work, fed and babysat the boys (she has 2 sons, 7 and 14 at the time, 10 and 17 now) basically kept house whilst she did evening shifts, and had her dinner on the table when she walked in at near 1am, then im up at 6am myself for work, then another one, lent her the odd few quid here and there as her job didnt pay well, which helped fund her driving lessons, added her to my car insurance as a provisional license holder (which tripled my premium) in order for her to be able to drive my car and help her learn, i never let ANYONE drive my car, ***PIC OF MY CAR*** its my baby, but for her i did, and in the end its always the same, they get what they can out of me and then just leave.

So, i wouldnt go so far as to say im desperate, but, as one of my close female friends has told me (and one of the ones i did start to like and who never ever tok the piss) i basically start to like any girl who shows me any attention, and tbh i think she has a point, but from whats happened recently with the mdma and my attitude shift, i have left those pushover days behind, plus hey, chicks dig the moody badboys dont they, theres hope for me yet :D

 

[JWills20]

in the scene theres still somewhat of a everyone loves everyone vibe

I feel you man, hardcore has the vibes. I've now rolled at dnb/trance and its just not quite the same, but maybe thats cause I just don't like the music as much. Gunna try a few more dnb events to see if its better.

You sound like a genuinely nice guy that gets played around which sickens me! Hopefully you'll meet someone just right for you. My problem with MDMA is I want to be more like that sober - i'm such an empathetic, loving person but I have psychological barriers stopping me. MDMA hasn't 'changed' me so to say, more made me realise who I really am. It's just a matter of enabling that person to come out around people I don't know, I care about what people think far too much - Social Anxiety Disorder can be a bitch!

 

[excited]

Take a min to figure out who you are now before you burn your bridges man. People treated you bad in the past you might be over reacting now. Just chill and take it easy man.

 

[Chesh]

I think my mood swings are worse. But that's also because of general life factors.

I was a bit of a moody cunt anyway.

 

[thelastclubkid]

Clarkey, you covered a lot of ground in your last post.

From what you wrote, you sound like a giver. If only more of us were like you.

I'll take a stab at diagnosing your problem: You're a giver - that is NOT a problem - but you don't know how to determine who would be suitable for you as a close friend. I think a close friend needs to be someone who knows you, who you can trust to care about what is good for you, and who is like you.

I think your close friends ought to be givers like you.

Unfortunately, you've run into people who are takers, who are able to smell that you're a giver, and were willing to take advantage of that. They cared more about themselves than about you.

Change your friends.

Clearly your "rave" scene isn't working out for you. It doesn't sound like there is much peace, love, unity, or respect. Big surprise.

Instead, hang out at places where other givers - people like you - are likely to gather. For example, why not get involved in volunteer activities to help needy people in your community? This will put to good use your natural inclination to be a giver for those who really need and will likely appreciate your help. And, you'll be meeting other people like you. And, you'll be able to observe and learn from other more experienced givers how to balance giving of yourself to others without sacrificing your dignity.

PS: Stop all drugs. They appear to be on the verge of harming you.

PPS: Oh, one other thing. Stop needing women. I think women LOVE men who *want* them. I think they have little respect for men who *need* them. They're like cats - When you call them they go away, but when you've forgotten they're there they come to you. (Hey everyone, it's only an analogy to help clarify a point, I'm not saying that women and cats are on the same level.)

all this^

i used to be a big giver and i had to put the smackdown on that after a while... you end up being around alot of sketchy people when drugs are involved and you gotta pick your close friends *very* carefully...

i would add to the last part... women *really* love men who *dont* want them... i stopped really caring about getting laid a couple years back and i swear i have never had soo much attention from girls... now if only i had known this when i was 21....

 

[MrSoapy]

everyone loves everyone vibe

I feel you man, hardcore has the vibes.

I've worked at a couple of hardcore events behind the bar and I really didn't notice this. They were pretty big events (1500+ people) so maybe that's why. I felt pretty intimidated by a lot of people (which I rarely do) because they all seemed so absolutely fucked and unpredictable. I've been a bartender for a couple of years and I know what drunk people are like and how to handle them, but these "lads" who are absolutely fucked on pills and who knows what else terrify me. One minute they'd be trying to hug me over the bar, the next they'd be calling me a cunt and trying to swing at me. The whole atmosphere is pretty hostile and aggressive and there's always a load of trouble. Like I said though, these were big events so I'm sure a smaller, more intimate place would be a much better time, this was just my experience of it though.

I think a lot of them just try to fight the effects and still try to act like a hard nut even though inside they feel loved up. That causes them to act out and try to prove out much of a man they are by starting shit. I've never experienced anything like this at the places I go to (mainly house and dub-step). Another problem I think is dosage - they're all taking about a gram over the course of 5 or 6 hours, or fuck knows how many pills. I've never seen anyone so fucked as the people at these hardcore shows, it's unbelievable.

Those were awful events and completely turned everything I thought about mdma on it's head. Sure, most people will be happy and love everyone, but others will fight it and get overly aggressive. It's only the "love drug" if you let it be.

 

[done juan]

I have been raving for a long time, and never did any drugs up until february this year, and i can see a change in myself over the months and repeated use that has followed, and for the most part, i think its good...

I've always been as soft as shit, some would say too soft, total pushover, doormat, mug, one of those people who is too nice for his own good and leaves himself open to have the piss taken out of him is pretty much the pitch we are playing on.

But i can see the change in myself, i wouldnt go as far to say that im uncaring, if someones in trouble or something then if i could help then i would, as i always have, but whereas before, if someone had got themselves into a twattish situation and id bail them out, the 'new' me wouldnt do that.

Some have said that i have 'come out of my shell' over recent times, some say im tougher, maybe a bit less sympathetic, but if i had to describe it myself id say that i have much more of an attitude and a sarcastic and very blunt and to the point side that i never knew before.

Ill give a for instance, if a mate for example had come to me lets say a year ago and said oh i lost a load of money on a fruit machine that i thought was going to pay out, can you lend me 20 quid so i have enough to settle my rent or something then id probably say well ok but just learn your lesson from it, where as nowadays id be like nah mate, not my problem, serves you right, nobhead!

I think im just a much harsher character in general really, which all in all i think is good, as i know a few people (my parents for one) that were praying for me to just stop being everyones bail out boy and to get a bit more streetwise and not let myself be taken for a fool, but there are times when i know im basically being a cunt but i just dont care, coz whatever it is is self deserved, plus i look on it as, if id have done whatever they just have, would they help me out?

sorry for the random thread here but i thought its quite a good talking point.

good for you mate. too many people on the scrounge these days.

 

[done juan]

I've worked at a couple of hardcore events behind the bar and I really didn't notice this. They were pretty big events (1500+ people) so maybe that's why. I felt pretty intimidated by a lot of people (which I rarely do) because they all seemed so absolutely fucked and unpredictable. I've been a bartender for a couple of years and I know what drunk people are like and how to handle them, but these "lads" who are absolutely fucked on pills and who knows what else terrify me. One minute they'd be trying to hug me over the bar, the next they'd be calling me a cunt and trying to swing at me. The whole atmosphere is pretty hostile and aggressive and there's always a load of trouble. Like I said though, these were big events so I'm sure a smaller, more intimate place would be a much better time, this was just my experience of it though.

I think a lot of them just try to fight the effects and still try to act like a hard nut even though inside they feel loved up. That causes them to act out and try to prove out much of a man they are by starting shit. I've never experienced anything like this at the places I go to (mainly house and dub-step). Another problem I think is dosage - they're all taking about a gram over the course of 5 or 6 hours, or fuck knows how many pills. I've never seen anyone so fucked as the people at these hardcore shows, it's unbelievable.

Those were awful events and completely turned everything I thought about mdma on it's head. Sure, most people will be happy and love everyone, but others will fight it and get overly aggressive. It's only the "love drug" if you let it be.

hardcore as in electronic stuff? yeah never seen any bother really, on the odd occasion ive seen a bouncer chuck someone out, maybe for dealing dunno but overall no bad vibes