Update: Just a note, I'm sort of using this as a journal to remind myself that I do not want to go through this again, writing it down helps me remember how difficult this is, because I too quickly forget once its over. Sort of like a first step for those who are familiar with the AA / NA. Anyways. Yesterday was difficult in different ways. Emotionally. Felt good for much of the day then suddenly around 7PM I became very depressed, on the verge of tears. I reached out to friends to talk and that helped tremendously. Took 4.5mg melatonin last night and slept like a baby, also took a scoop of pure beta alanine powder from the vitamin shoppe before bed. No real nightmares. Feeling a lot better this morning. I seem to have zero rebound anxiety from the klonopin taper. The idea of buying weed came across my mind more than once when I was depressed last night, this kind of reaffirms that I need to get back around my support system, in AA / NA. Although I often crave the temporary relief of drugs, the price I pay for taking them is never worth the small benefit -- and I am far happier overall when completely sober / clean. My insurance will cover an intensive outpatient program that we have locally in town -- I participated in this last fall after I went to rehab and found it greatly helped, so come monday, I will make a call to see about signing up for that again. So in essence I did dodge the bullet (I'm alive, well, and out of the woods of this relapse) -- but the act of dodging it has caused me to fall to a degree, I've managed to stand back up though. (I'm not sure how much further I can take the analogy lol). Beginning to reflect some on why I relapsed. I had over 9 months clean / sober when I took my first dose of GBL. It was manageable for some time but quickly spiraled out of control. The mistake didn't happen when I lost control of the use, the mistake happened when I picked up. Sleep has always been a big trigger for me, I have sleep apnea, and insomnia as it is -- and the desire for a more restful sleep has often been the trigger for relapse. Due to some life circumstances / family / job issues last spring, it just became inconvenient to continue going to AA / NA, and I put out some bigger fires, and ignored the smoldering ashes that are my mental health / addiction issues. Those smoldering ashes soon became the big fire and thankfully I've only just recently been able to get the fire under control. Anyways, that's about all that's on my mind this morning. I'm going to go do some cardio right now then head off to work. Overall I'm thankful, like I've said, this could have been so much worse. To any addict out there struggling, know that there is help out there for you, and that your greatest enemy is your own negative thinking. It's funny, I've had big IV meth / oxy / heroin, and benzo addictions that I've overcome, so in many ways this has been easier, but it is NEVER easy. Always worth it though. Not today satan! "JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be onmy new associations, people who are not using andwho have found a new way of life. So long as I followthat way, I have nothing to fear."