Hi everyone. This is my first time posting on this site so bear w me. I can relate to you mommalette. I have had 3 surgeries and I am due for another one and I have been addicted to opiates for a solid 5-6 years now. Started w low dose percs, jumped to the high dose pretty quickly, started taking roxys (30mg), than I was taking a good 3-4 30mgs a day until I switched to heroine. Being in pain all the time is exhausting both physically and mentally and the dope numbed all of that. I was having panic attacks and my anxiety was through the roof - all related to me dealing with pain all the time. I couldn't take it anymore.
It started getting so bad that I would wake up, snort some dope, and if I didn't have any money to buy anymore I would call out from work Bc I knew in a few hours I would start feeling withdrawals. I went through 3 very traumatic WDs, and plenty more short term ones bc I got my fix in a day or so. If I ran out of my fix, I would literally take anything I can get my hands on just to not feel the pain anymore. Addiction was consuming my life and has taken over completely.
I had a bad experience and didn't wake up one day Bc I had taken trazadone (anxiety/depression medicine) & a lot of dope the night before. My friends were over my apt and we were partying a little Bc we were going to the saint Jude walk the next day & everyone was sleeping over my place. When I didn't wake up in the morning my friends came in my room and I was non-responsive,slightly blue, & not breathing. They threw water on me, jumped on me, did everything they could while waiting for the ambulance. I was breathing less than 5 times a minute which is a quarter of what's normal. When I woke up in the hospital I had no clue what happened. I wound up telling my friends that I took a pill that I was intending to take during the St Jude walk Bc they are aware that I have leg pain. To this day no one knows that I am/was addicted to heroine.
Of course I had to swear up and down to my friends and boyfriend that I would never touch another "pill" again but of course that was a lie. You would think after a near death experience you would straighten yourself out - but addiction is the devil. Started spending all of my money on drugs and I was dead broke.
Finally I knew I had to do something so I went to the Doctor & got on the suboxone program. I've been on it for about 4 months now and I was just dropped down to 1 1/2 strips a day of the 8mg (I started at 2 strips of the 8s a day). It doesn't make me high at all - but it makes me feel normal - million times better than stopping cold turkey of course. The only issue I have is that I've heard rumors about my doctor keeping patients on subs for YEARS! I made it clear that I do not want that Bc I know you do experience WD from subs as well. Sub WD is not as severe as dope and pills, but it does last a lot longer and you feel depressed and sad a lot (no sex drive at all - which is hard when you've had a boyfriend for 10 years and all of a sudden u don't want it anymore).
I hate that I am keeping this huge secret from my BF Bc he was the one always there for me during my withdrawals. I don't want to hurt him anymore and have him worry about me and my addiction. Everytime I go to the doctor I make up some excuse or I lie and say I'm going somewhere else. I hide the subs all over the place and I'm constantly on edge that one day I'm going to get caught. There was a few times I went through WDs and tried to hide it but it was really obvious. Of course you can tell when someone is going through WD, especially when it's their 4th or 5th time.
I want to do this on my own. I want to get clean and do everything on my terms. It was solely MY decision to go on the program. I didn't promise someone, I didn't swear to people that I'm going to get clean. When the time is right you have to make it YOUR decision - or it will not work. I relapsed 2xs within the last few months and regretted it each time of course. Now I have to get my mind right and stick to my plan.
I am sorry I swayed slightly off topic - this kindve turned into a little venting session for me but it feels amazing to let it all out. Even if it is to complete strangers. I am going to be 30 & I want to get married, have kids, and be successful - but it's not possible if I go back to my ways.
I wish you luck with dealing with your pain and I will say a prayer for you tonight. It always gets harder before it gets easier and if I can do it, you can too!! Just remember that you are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not ever hesitate to reach out for anything. Take care