g0df1sh dreams
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g0df1sh
Bluelighter
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- Nov 14, 2020
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meditations on death,
That was this month’s theme, and I’ve lived it all too well. That’s how it is when you’re too deep in the rabbit hole, everything lived tenfold in the mirror house that is this life.
The community of alchemists knows how to make good homework. alchemy isn’t just contemplated, it is lived - and you are that, tinder and spark and flame.
So on the eve of my dog’s death I am here, stiff and aching, bloodshot and fingering a little tuft of white hair between my fingertips , trying to memorize his scent before it fades, a blackening of grief I can’t rationalize my way out of.
It just is.
I’m scrolling through some old photos and stumble upon a video clip of me doing some guitar cover, my best boy sitting there happily at my feet, and me just going on, as if he wasn’t going to die in a few months.
who would’ve known.
what strikes me is looking back on me then, and forward.. how many days I spent too depressed to get out of bed. And even when he began to get ill, too depressed to drive myself to my parents house.
That was this month’s theme, and I’ve lived it all too well. That’s how it is when you’re too deep in the rabbit hole, everything lived tenfold in the mirror house that is this life.
The community of alchemists knows how to make good homework. alchemy isn’t just contemplated, it is lived - and you are that, tinder and spark and flame.
So on the eve of my dog’s death I am here, stiff and aching, bloodshot and fingering a little tuft of white hair between my fingertips , trying to memorize his scent before it fades, a blackening of grief I can’t rationalize my way out of.
It just is.
I’m scrolling through some old photos and stumble upon a video clip of me doing some guitar cover, my best boy sitting there happily at my feet, and me just going on, as if he wasn’t going to die in a few months.
who would’ve known.
what strikes me is looking back on me then, and forward.. how many days I spent too depressed to get out of bed. And even when he began to get ill, too depressed to drive myself to my parents house.
g0df1sh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2020
- Messages
- 133
Is it worth it?
I try to find the little light of love and wisdom he’s left me.
And the contemplation is- imagine you are going to die and then imagine you are dead.
what do you regret?
If I were to die today, I realize I would regret not allowing myself to feel more joy. Though I honor my sadness and stubborn melancholic grief, I would regret that I passed so many days in the grey instead of at the heights of my internal sunshine.
I would regret the walls i built around my heart, which prevented me from expressing more tenderness and love to the people I care about, and prevented me from truly savoring and surrendering into the love they tried to give me.
I would regret every moment I went to bed without kissing my parents goodnight, or every moment spent looking at my phone instead of looking in the eyes of the person next to me.
I would and do regret, every moment i closed the door behind me and didn’t return for 6 months, or running out the door to chase a few dollars, rather than running back to hold my dog in my arms.
I try to find the little light of love and wisdom he’s left me.
And the contemplation is- imagine you are going to die and then imagine you are dead.
what do you regret?
If I were to die today, I realize I would regret not allowing myself to feel more joy. Though I honor my sadness and stubborn melancholic grief, I would regret that I passed so many days in the grey instead of at the heights of my internal sunshine.
I would regret the walls i built around my heart, which prevented me from expressing more tenderness and love to the people I care about, and prevented me from truly savoring and surrendering into the love they tried to give me.
I would regret every moment I went to bed without kissing my parents goodnight, or every moment spent looking at my phone instead of looking in the eyes of the person next to me.
I would and do regret, every moment i closed the door behind me and didn’t return for 6 months, or running out the door to chase a few dollars, rather than running back to hold my dog in my arms.
g0df1sh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2020
- Messages
- 133
I would regret choosing to see a world of limitation rather than possibility, or a world of boredom rather than magic.
I would regret not allowing myself to enjoy more of the simple human joys of this life, the simple pleasures of being here as a human, I would regret having turned my nose up at these things for some “lofty spiritual goal” - once in hyperspace it’s very clear just how precious and purposeful these things are. I mean shit like laughing at a tv show, or making avocado toast or buying new slippers.
I would regret not allowing myself to enjoy more of the simple human joys of this life, the simple pleasures of being here as a human, I would regret having turned my nose up at these things for some “lofty spiritual goal” - once in hyperspace it’s very clear just how precious and purposeful these things are. I mean shit like laughing at a tv show, or making avocado toast or buying new slippers.
g0df1sh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2020
- Messages
- 133
How can I live differently ?
looking back from here, how could I possibly have been so despondent when my dog was still alive and right there! Now I would gladly go back to have him again.
that seems reason enough to be REALLY xtra depressed now. But if I stay depressed, ill miss out on the joy of what is still here, eventually something else will die and I’ll look back and kick myself in the ass again for being so depressed I missed it, and then get more depressed and the cycle will go on.
nope. I can choose to do something different.
I can choose to be happier. To really decide to be, bc none of anything that I mind-fuck myself with into depression or fear, is worth it. It’s all just bullshit.
I can choose to not take the rest of what is left in this life for granted.
at the end of the day there are only a few things that are worth it, a few things that really matter. And they are simple.
my dog’s death has helped me to realize those simplicities. It won’t take away the pain, and that’s okay. The pain is perfect. I am inspired to love what is here more, to not let these blessings go without being truly savored.
looking back from here, how could I possibly have been so despondent when my dog was still alive and right there! Now I would gladly go back to have him again.
that seems reason enough to be REALLY xtra depressed now. But if I stay depressed, ill miss out on the joy of what is still here, eventually something else will die and I’ll look back and kick myself in the ass again for being so depressed I missed it, and then get more depressed and the cycle will go on.
nope. I can choose to do something different.
I can choose to be happier. To really decide to be, bc none of anything that I mind-fuck myself with into depression or fear, is worth it. It’s all just bullshit.
I can choose to not take the rest of what is left in this life for granted.
at the end of the day there are only a few things that are worth it, a few things that really matter. And they are simple.
my dog’s death has helped me to realize those simplicities. It won’t take away the pain, and that’s okay. The pain is perfect. I am inspired to love what is here more, to not let these blessings go without being truly savored.
g0df1sh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2020
- Messages
- 133
Lol y write a blog no one will read til after it doesn’t matter.
am I losing my mind here?
existential discomfort, and a world, a me, an us, that’s hard to accept.
I’m luckier than most, then how could I dare be unhappy?
Something just feels weird and wrong sometimes. Something I can’t put my finger on.. this world is too unreal, the interactions with people, the words coming from my own mouth.
Am I lost? “Wandering stars for whom it is reserved..” am I dreaming?
I feel like I shouldn’t be here, do you know the feeling? After some moment so sweet and profound has died away, some destiny, and nothing after that the same. All this space. And I shouldn’t be here. Should’ve died along with that catastrophic love, should’ve laid to rest.
instead I’ve gone on
And on
And on
am I losing my mind here?
existential discomfort, and a world, a me, an us, that’s hard to accept.
I’m luckier than most, then how could I dare be unhappy?
Something just feels weird and wrong sometimes. Something I can’t put my finger on.. this world is too unreal, the interactions with people, the words coming from my own mouth.
Am I lost? “Wandering stars for whom it is reserved..” am I dreaming?
I feel like I shouldn’t be here, do you know the feeling? After some moment so sweet and profound has died away, some destiny, and nothing after that the same. All this space. And I shouldn’t be here. Should’ve died along with that catastrophic love, should’ve laid to rest.
instead I’ve gone on
And on
And on
g0df1sh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2020
- Messages
- 133
A musical paradise? Musical bridges to ‘Heaven’ ? Or at least what one might call the restorative vibration..
So soft, it hurts, to remember what we did to our own innocence.
Oh you.. how you were the sacrificial lamb,
yet remained untouched,
Laughing your way,
Dancing upon the cross.
So soft, it hurts, to remember what we did to our own innocence.
Oh you.. how you were the sacrificial lamb,
yet remained untouched,
Laughing your way,
Dancing upon the cross.
g0df1sh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2020
- Messages
- 133
FromKarol Truman's Book, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die...."
(Spirit, god, source, Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever you vibe with.This little prayer has been helpful when I feel low and seems to work some weird magic. I’m sharing it here
"Spirit,please locate the origin of my feeling/thought of feeling negative about (Insert the feeling or belief you want to release here) ___________. Take each and every level, layer, area and aspect of my be-ing to this origin. Analyze and resolve it perfectly, with God’s truth.Come forward in time, healing every incident based upon the foundation of the first, according to God’s will; until I’m at the present, filled with light and truth, God’s peace and love, forgiveness of myself for my incorrect perceptions, forgiveness of every person, place, circumstance and event which contributed to this feeling/thought.
With total forgiveness and unconditional love I delete the old from my DNA, release it, and let it go now! I feel (Insert the way you want to feel here)_________!! I allow every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual problem, and inappropriate behavior based on the old feelings to quickly disappear.
Thank you, Spirit, for coming to my aid and helping me attain the full measure of my creation. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you and praise God from whom all blessings flow."