fuuuuuuuuuucccck

Ive fucked up so bad in the past 2 months.

Unknown to anyone I stopped taking my meds, I guess I was just sick of taking yet ANOTHER pill.

I RAGED out and said things to people online and IRL to people I love, Care about, and even just random people or just random online friends that have been nasty and said things to hurt because things were going shitty for me so I thought if I hurt them and left them that they would hate me and would have nothingto hurt over or miss once I ran .... if i ran....or fucked up big time. If I fucked up I had no one to disappoint if I fucked up with everyone.

I took cheap shots, hard shots, things that I thought would hurt or KNOW would ruin friendships and relations with people.

I am back on my meds now.

Now that the anger and ftw is gone, I have realized how badly Ive fucked up.

I know that not only I but it takes 2, but I did instigate ALL fights and arguments and petty lil "lets fuck this firendship up" BS.

Ive always been scared to get TOO close to people and love them, or care for people, or friendship because of my past and how majorly backstabbed ive been in the past.

Now Ive become the backstabber, the bitch, the ruiner.

Now though I STILL feel like shit, its my own damn fault this time.

Confidence and Ability still don't help to eradicate fear.

Maybe I -AM- psycho......

Hell look at my family....

I'm such an idiot.

also...

I'm such a fool.


Now I have to live with this hurt cause I know the ones I lashed out at, the ones I said the worst things to (because I loved them the most) I said the worst of the worst things to and I have lost what we had, and will probably bever be forgiven.

I pray for forgiveness, though Im not really a religious person, but any extra help...ya know...

The ones I hurt, will most likely never read this....nor will they take my calls or letters oor anything.....

I think I finally broke the last straw on the camels back with most and they've given up and moved on.

I can't seem to forgive myself, to stop thinking of how badly I fucked up with everything in my life, how badly I fucked up.

I had just started getting friends and loved ones again after just getting on my meds and the balls to talk to people and meet people and talk to people. Hell even some were from before my meds days, which is worse cause they've put up with so much with me, Ive been there for them, they've been there for me, they've helped me, and ive stabbed them in the back with a nice chisel and fucked everything up.

I wish i could fix it all up.

There is no easy fix, or not instant "i forgive you", I know that. I just wish I had the chance.

I know Ive been given many chances.....chance after chance after chane in my life by these people....and i seem to keep fucking up.....Im sorry.

I know "I'm Sorry" can never cut it, can never heel open wounds, can never repair stupidity. I am sorry for being stupid. I am sorry for my anger and rage and acting out and fucking things up, I am sorry for stopping my meds and seeming so fucked in the head.....was I even rational? I don't think so.

Now I miss everyone during a time when we all should be putting together a kick ass party for new years....a time for having fun in the holiday season.

Ive fucked up so bad, I am back to where I started again..... I dont want to be.....I want you all back.....I miss you all....

You will never read this....I wish there was a way you all....more some than others....could look into my heart.....my soul and see the hurt and the love i have for you and realize I fucked up.

can anything ever be repaired?

who knows.....

Im not one for giving up but I gave up.....why? I dunno....

I will not give up on hope.....hope that one day at least a few can forgive me..... even 1 or 2 to forgive would be nice.

for those who I hurt that have found there way here....that have found this blog somehow......someway..... someday maybe...


I AM VERY TRUELY SORRY

which i know cant make up for what i did.....but i am.

I have to hold strong and not cry over my stupidity....

Its my own damn fault......MY fault.....so I guess I deserve all that I got in the end.....

for the ones that I lashed out at and hurt.....or really just lashed out at and was pretty fucking psycho with...... i u ......Im sorry.....

maybe one day....some day, somehow.....you will forgive me.

I know i will have to wait....wait and see.....I have to be patient......then let you know ALL that I fucked up and I am sorry..... but I have to wait....its all too fresh....and you all need time...

I need time....

I need to realize that you are in my life for a reason...you WANT to be.....feeling of .....what i was.....of that one day you would ALL leave me and laugh about it on how i was a fool......was retarded.....I guess I need to UP my meds a little too if I was having those thoughts.....

I am.....

*sigh*


such a fool.



fuuuuuuuck.


I will give time......

maybe one day again we can work on things and be friends those i lashed out at.....

maybe ive fucked up too bad this time...??

have i lost you all forever?

i dunno.....


we'll see.....

I have to wait and be patient.....

time....people need time.

i u my bestfriends, my friends, my online friends, everyone....

If i have lashed out at you in the last 2-3 months I am sorry.....

Ive been fucked up.....Ive fucked up....

Im sorry and I still u.

*sigh*

Ive fucked up pretty bad this time.....


im sorry everyone....

 

The problem with trust and hurt emotions, is that it often takes a disproportionate amount of work to win people back. Judging by what you've told us all about your situation over the last month, I'd say that you may need to expend more effort on taking care of yourself, and your family. Stay on your meds, get well, and then start trying to re-make connections.

I've no doubt in my mind that you're a good person, but you do suffer from some issues which may need more resolution than can be provided from pills alone. This may be overstepping my bounds, and if so I apologize, but have you seen a psychologist? There are many excellent non-pharmaceutical treatments for many problems, which work well both with and without medication. I know that it's likely not covered by healthcare (I don't know the specifics of what's listed in ON), but it could very well be worth the expense. It certainly was for me.

Regardless, hang in there crevan. Stay on your meds, hug your kids, and enjoy the good in life. Rather than beat yourself up, take this as an opportunity to improve yourself. It will take time, and a lot of effort, but you'll be able to pull it off.

 

my son's therapist....she told me about this type of therapy that helps out people with anxiety without meds...or rather in cunjuction with meds. Plus I am looking into therapy and working on me before trying to "repair" anything.... i need to repair myself before seeking out friends or relations or I am bound to keep repeating things.
I think I should get my doctor to evaluate me for bi-polorism too, and some other illnessess that run in the family....just to be sure....to be safe.....better to nip it as it rears- then years of living in insanity like most of my family did.
Thanks though, I always welcome your honest opinion. I prefer honesty over sugar coating it, more so with having the illness I do....it saves confusion and thinking stupid things.....honesty rocks ass, even if the words call you a nutjob :/ lol

 

Dave's post is perfect.

I hope you get the help you need crevan......
not only for yourself, but for your children.
Stay on the meds and keep moving forward with therapy- maybe you can start the new year with a new goal, taking care of your mental and physical health.

Take Care.

 

If anxiety is your main issue, look into EMDR. It worked wonders for me.

 

Can you let me know what it is.....

 

Google and Wikipedia are your friends.

 

unstable wifi connections are not though but thanks for the link. As long as it won't bring the onset of my epilepsy again (the mention of eye movement thing) then I think that can be tried.

Thought I think I just might be paranoid than anxiety, at least I've been thinking that lately. Though I do show more signs of anxiety and stress than Paranoia, and I don't think anyone is out to get me..... who knows.... I'll have to talk about it with my doctor.

I also have been considering Congnitive Therapy, which sounds kinda like this.....?

I will update after I finds things out for myself.

 

Please tell me that when you say 'doctor' you mean psychiatrist/psychologist. GPs are grossly underqualified to diagnose or treat psychological illness. Their job in this area should be to refer you to a good psychologist or psychiatrist.

I've never heard of EMDR bringing out seizures, but I'm hardly an expert. That would be a great question to ask a psychologist who is trained in the technique. Keep in mind that the 'eye movement' aspect isn't necessary. Rather it is the bilateral stimulation; in my case touch was used. Knee tapping (by the psychologist) is very common, but my psych wanted to try out a new toy that she had: a hand-held bilateral vibration device. It took a couple of minutes to find the right vibration and bilateral frequencies, but it was VERY effective in putting me into the EMDR 'state'. No eye movement required.

CBT is quite effective for a whole spectrum of disorders, but takes a lot of time and a great deal of effort. Well worth it in the end, but for some people EMDR can be just as effective in a fraction of the time.

See a psychologist. They'll be able to suggest a few treatments, and you can both discuss which one(s) will work best for you.

Best of luck crevan! It takes work to get past these illnesses, but someday you'll look back and wonder why you put up with them for so long.

Be well!

 

yeah my son's is going to give me the name of one the next time she calls (this coming week).
Up until then it has been my GP, which I -AM- losing faith in. Seems more into despensing a RX "quota" or something....heck he gave fentanyl transdermal to my recovering alcoholic ex along with a slew of other damaging meds. I guess we put too much trust in GP's that we trust them with our heads as well when that's the job of psychiatrists and -I- of all people that have been in drug addiction conseling training should have known better than most.... but Ive known him for over 20yrs and I guess I put too much faith in him, and he puts too much faith in meds and temporary solutions and band-aid fixes.
I'll be glad when I can breathe again...