Future is both bleak and bright

[VarianceReport]

Hi Bluelight. Long time reader, firs time poster.

I've suffered from severe social anxiety my whole life, which was exacerbated greatly by a few years of intense marijuana, Ecstasy and lsd abuse at University. I no longer use hard drugs that frequently, not socially at least any more. Maybe some ket +weed on my own every now and then, or coke on a night out. But the over use has left my psyche very scarred.

I began drinking heavily for a few years to deal with my anxiety. By some miracle, after failing university, I managed to land a good job and ditch the bottle. But my anxiety remains.

All day I'm nervous at work, hoping no one talks to me. I have to give presentations and attend meetings frequently which are hard to deal with. On these days I drink, but that clouds my mind and I don't like being drunk like this. I take beta blockers which help but only so much. The anxiety is paralyzing. I can't function properly and if I'm pushed too far, I freak out and have some sort of attack - a mix of depersonalisation and intense anxiety. The worst feeling I have ever experienced. Today I tried Xanax for the first time, which I bought. It's incredible. I feel so relaxed, I could cry with happiness.

I know benzos are a bad kind of drug to get into a habit of taking, but I will continue taking it for now. I finally feel normal. I have an addictive personality. If I find something I like, I can't stop myself taking it. I love drugs, I always will.

I guess I just wanted to share my concerns of a possible impending benzo addiction. I'll try my hardest to not use for prolonged periods of time... But I'm so happy to feel normal for the first time in God knows when.

 

[noror]

1 benzo addiction is a pretty serious one. Don't wanna be judgmental but I heard that benzo withdrawal can even be fatal. It's like those drugs(benzodiazepines) cannot be taken throught ur entire life. Like how do u imagine say 1-2 or even 10 years from now. Like u would need to pop hundreds of mg's of xan just to feel normal which would eventually wreck ur body, liver etc. It may be a short term solution but u really need to think long term. IMO psychoterapy is made for ppl like u,and from what I know it has a great rate of succes when dealing whith problems of your sort. It's so obvious from reading ur post, that u are just runnig away from a problem that yet remains to be solved and this paths leads to NOWHERE. open webbrowser search for nearest psychologist,psychoterapy( don't be ashamed to do so) and call for a meeting man. With a proper attitude and involvment from urself i think u can anticipate marked progress within 6 months or so, and this time it will be progress made for life not a short term one.