Functioning… for now.

[TenaciousOne00]

I had 27 months off my drug of choice (meth) as of early October 2024. Then life decided to pile on — a bad breakup right in the middle of some already heavy stuff. About a week later, I relapsed and have been on and off since… if I’m being honest, mostly on.


I’ve been admitted to psych hospitals four times since then for serious suicide attempts, so you’ll never hear me say I don’t have a problem. I’m very aware of it.


Right now, I’ve been using again for almost two weeks after a little over a month clean. I’m back to living the double life — working, functioning, doing the whole “looks fine from the outside” thing. For now. I don’t currently have the desire to stop again, and that’s something I sit with daily. My brain loves to tell me I’m not good enough, that I’m a failure because of mistakes I’ve made and people I’ve hurt. It’s loud in there.


I’m kind of a walking contradiction. I have a huge heart, genuinely love helping others, and try really hard to stay positive. At the same time, I battle my own demons — mostly alone. My family and friends have seen this cycle for years: rehabs, hospitals, ups, downs. I’m tired of me… and yeah, they probably are too.


But I’m still here. I’m holding on. And for now, I’ve made it through another day — which counts for something.

 

[neversickanymore]

So what are you going to do.. your seemingly up against a meth substance use disorder that’s not functional?

So how do you proceed with your life?

 

[TenaciousOne00]

So what are you going to do.. your seemingly up against a meth substance use disorder that’s not functional?

So how do you proceed with your life?

I’m honesty not sure yet. Quitting is the easy answer. I know what life is like clean. What it feels like etc. How I’ve felt before doesn’t feel obtainable right now.

Currently, I’m not proceeding in my life. There is no moving forward in this state. I’m just going day by day right now. Surviving.

 

[neversickanymore]

I’m honesty not sure yet. Quitting is the easy answer. I know what life is like clean. What it feels like etc. How I’ve felt before doesn’t feel obtainable right now.

Currently, I’m not proceeding in my life. There is no moving forward in this state. I’m just going day by day right now. Surviving.

well don’t freak out.. my suggestion is to move forward.. so how do you address your situation and eventually get to where you want to be.. that’s really how it benefits you and addresses the situation.. “quitting a substance use disorder” is not a simple process. It has to do with how minds work.

 

[streaM Freak]

For now. I don’t currently have the desire to stop again, and that’s something I sit with daily.

This is a very difficult thing to spot in yourself. You are a smart person, and:

My brain loves to tell me I’m not good enough, that I’m a failure because of mistakes I’ve made and people I’ve hurt. It’s loud in there.

^ this sounds terrifying.

How do you feel about NA? Or more specifically what I'm curious about, is how do you feel about making amends to people?

My family and friends have seen this cycle for years: rehabs, hospitals, ups, downs. I’m tired of me… and yeah, they probably are too.

Totally been there as well. I was supposed to be the big brain business son. Turned out to be hospitalized 8 times in the 3 years after college.

But actually, our relationship is good now. So I here double down in the: how do you feel about making amends?

But I’m still here. I’m holding on. And for now, I’ve made it through another day — which counts for something.

That counts for a LOT.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

You know this so it goes without saying..,.It's up to you what you decide to do. I think you know at this point what your decision is going to be...so just do it. You can post as much as you want but in the end you're going to have to decide to get clean again. Otherwise you wouldn't have this dilemma and you would keep on using.

 

[KurtAurelius]

I had 27 months off my drug of choice (meth) as of early October 2024. Then life decided to pile on — a bad breakup right in the middle of some already heavy stuff. About a week later, I relapsed and have been on and off since… if I’m being honest, mostly on.


I’ve been admitted to psych hospitals four times since then for serious suicide attempts, so you’ll never hear me say I don’t have a problem. I’m very aware of it.


Right now, I’ve been using again for almost two weeks after a little over a month clean. I’m back to living the double life — working, functioning, doing the whole “looks fine from the outside” thing. For now. I don’t currently have the desire to stop again, and that’s something I sit with daily. My brain loves to tell me I’m not good enough, that I’m a failure because of mistakes I’ve made and people I’ve hurt. It’s loud in there.


I’m kind of a walking contradiction. I have a huge heart, genuinely love helping others, and try really hard to stay positive. At the same time, I battle my own demons — mostly alone. My family and friends have seen this cycle for years: rehabs, hospitals, ups, downs. I’m tired of me… and yeah, they probably are too.


But I’m still here. I’m holding on. And for now, I’ve made it through another day — which counts for something.

It’s easy to do things in extreme to go off and on, but it has a impact on your ability to tolerate stress.

For me atleast, if I feel absolutely awful, it makes it far harder and then internally largely pointless to make the effort with any kind of disciplines. They go from being effortless to a willpower game of seeking relief.

I think if you don’t want to get clean, then about making your use safer over time.

It’s cliche but seemingly true that most substances use is masking some kind of mental health or trauma.

It may be hard to do, but perhaps make your use safer, some very plain things would be to weigh out 25mg a day, and say that’s it. One oral dose in the morning and try to use it to keep to a schedule.

Then go see a therapist/ counsellor and find a good one who understands your situation and background, who can then maybe write a covering letter to a doctor to see if there are any underlying issues.

Drugs aren’t the answer no, but if you do have say severe ADHD you may just be trying to self medicate, but that’s only one possibility, but if it was there would be much safer options to treat it then street Meth.

You haven’t let anyone down, when you feel that shit you are reaching for something to not make life feel so painful. It’s very easy for people to make an ideal of a one time rehab and your “off the drugs for life”.

This is an opinion so feel free to disregard- but your family etc should not be making you feel bad due to using and going to the hospital with your mental health. It’s easy for people to project their ideals when their life is cushty and they don’t deal with the kind of pains and traumas people like us do. Even if they find it “hard” it doesn’t seem to bog them down and cripple them, someone wouldn’t have to exercise every possible ounce of willpower to do so. It doesn’t mean your a bad person because you can’t force yourself to white knuckle everything when you feel that bad all the time, as I can’t imagine other people can go about it normally feeling the same and they are just morally superior. No way.

It’s easy for others to think getting a job and a tidy routine removes all of that pain. Yeah right.

There was a reason for it, and it takes the rest of our life to address it whatever it may be, and that’s not to be hopeless but to understand often these things go so very deep.

Atleast consider trying to make things more sustainable, it’s all to easy to do things black and white- I know this to be true atleast for me.

I want to be perfect and stop taking everything, give up my phone, never eat processed food, never look at screens and only spend my time being productive and awesome to everyone around me. That’s not possible. We can only try our best.

Take care.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

I had 27 months off my drug of choice (meth) as of early October 2024. Then life decided to pile on — a bad breakup right in the middle of some already heavy stuff. About a week later, I relapsed and have been on and off since… if I’m being honest, mostly on.


My brain loves to tell me I’m not good enough, that I’m a failure because of mistakes I’ve made and people I’ve hurt. It’s loud in there.

That is pure torture, ruminating thought s. They keep me awake at night. Loudly !

No one is probably good enough. A failure, writing it doesn t stop the mental torture.
Hurting other s is one of the most fucked one s. Like failing them, whatever circumstance caused it. Much

I’m kind of a walking contradiction. I have a huge heart, genuinely love helping others, and try really hard to stay positive. At the same time, I battle my own demons — mostly alone. My family and friends have seen this cycle for years: rehabs, hospitals, ups, downs. I’m tired of me… and yeah, they probably are too.


But I’m still here. I’m holding on. And for now, I’ve made it through another day — which counts for something.

Isn t it hard keeping up loving other s ? I hold on a lot endure the day.
Try to keep that walking contradiction up. Huge heart and totally fucked.

Circumstances.