Functional Addict Wanting To Get Clean

[Jimmy_Pop]

I know there are a lot of addicts on this forum who are homeless, who steal to support their habits, who are contemplating suicide, etc.

Truly, my heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in getting clean.

For this thread, though, I want to discuss some of the issues unique to drug addicts who are otherwise doing OK.

Just a (very) brief review of my situation. I'm a 24 year old poly-drug addict. I smoke cigarettes, drink about 3 nights a week, and take stimulants (coke, adderral, ritalin, etc) 4-5 days a week. Other than that, I'm reasonably successful. I have a decent career and make OK money, I don't have any real financial problems, I have a good relationship with my family, a decent enough social life etc. I wasn't always doing this well though; there was a time when I was very badly in debt and would pay for drugs with student loans, steal money from my mom, etc. It was a very dark period in my life, and I'm really into the idea of never going back to that place again.

I've largely fixed my career, financial and social issues. But after all this progress, the drug abuse problem is still there, as bad as it ever was.

I've put a lot of thought into why this might be, but I still can't quite explain it. My best guess is it's a combination of all my friends being users, and the fact that chemical dependency (or addictive behavior in general) is just a more complex matter psychologically than some of the other problems people can have in life.

But anyway, I still feel that I SHOULD be able to get over this, if I just put my mind to it. I have this vague sense that "now is the time" somehow, that I'm at a place in my life where getting over drug abuse makes more sense than ever before. I guess it's just the fact that where I got myself on track in so many other areas, my drug abuse is just the next logical thing to take on. Or something like that.

Plus, I also have this general feeling that my drug abuse is just generally "holding me back." When you're more or less functional, the problems with drug abuse can be very subtle. But if you really think about it enough, they become undeniable. It's like, drugs just have a nasty way of chipping away at your shit and making it like you're running toward any particular goal with a ball and chain tied on to you. All those days you were less than your best at work, the social functions you turned down because you were crashing and feeling like shit, the calls you missed, the days you called in sick, the times you ran into an acquaintance and came off the the wrong way because you were stuck in a post-crash fog and feeling like shit. All these little things, just think of how they add up. Too much drug abuse and you just start coming across as such a disconnected, disheveled, distant zombie. People can just tell "something's up" with you, even if they can't pinpoint it as a drug problem.

I think at the end of the day most "functional" drug addicts are not really as functional as they seem. Maybe that's not quite the right way to put it, but my general idea here is that you can be a drug addict and sort of chug along OK in the areas of life that you are naturally most competent at, while being fundamentally held back when it comes to making any progress in your weakest areas. Like I've managed to recover my career and financial shit since hitting rock bottom a few years ago, but that was always the part of life I was pretty OK at anyway. When it comes to relationships and emotional intimacy, I'm still pretty much as messed up as I ever was. I can't help but think that I'd be a little better off there without drugs.

So anyway, I dunno.

I really feel I need to nail this shit once and for all, but man, the pull of drugs is just so powerful at times. I almost think I need to find different friends, or something... Or maybe arrange some system where all my paycheque money automatically goes toward savings, leaving me only enough money for groceries and a few other things. I'm just so keenly aware of how stupid and counterproductive my drug use is, I feel like I should be able to deal with this like I dealt with all those other problems I was having.

 

[footscrazy]

First off, congrats with making so much progress with your job and money situation.

You've expressed really well some things I can completely relate to. Particularly, managing ok in life but feeling like your drug use means your best isn't as good as it would be without the use. Is it important to you to justify why you use? I ask because over the years, much of the advice and counselling I've received regarding drugs has been focused on finding the root cause of why I take drugs, as if finding this is the key to me stopping my use. Over time though, I'm beginning to think the why is unimportant. I think that drugs can be self perpetuating, in that they cause discontent that can fuel further use. I think liking to get fucked up is as valid a reason to be an addict as any other.

As for stopping, I don't know. I feel like I'm in a similar place to you. I know that drug use has some negative effects on my life, but I suppose those negative effects aren't severe enough to create any sense of urgency to stop. And I do think that is pretty much required when it comes to beating a drug habit. It does require very strong conviction. I don't feel like I can give much useful advice, being caught in the same trap myself. Perhaps it'd be useful to continue charting your attitudes towards drugs, your feelings, its consequences. I think the downward spiral on drugs can be insidious, with each change small enough that it can go unnoticed. But committing to becoming fully conscious of it may help you identify changes that you're unhappy with, or identify lines that you don't want to cross. Quitting isn't a wasted effort even if you do get back on. I do believe every time you try and stop is an invaluable learning experience - you can indentify your feelings, your triggers and so on - and if you do relapse, all this knowledge and experience will come in handy on your next effort to abstain from drugs.

I think your ideas of finding new friends or changing your availability to money are worth considering. But, quitting drugs isn't easy. Although it can seem like it should be a no brainer, it is just simply hard to change drug use behaviour. I hope you're not too hard on yourself. It seems like you've got some achievements really worthy of being proud of. I know it is possible for you to stop taking drugs - and even if it's not right now, that potential to create the best possible life for yourself doesn't diminish into the future. All the best.

 

[Renz Envy]

I feel that your awareness is a good trait. As a stimulant user, you will need to differentiate between stimulant induced rationality and reality. I unfortunately, was not able to logically separate the two.

 

[Jimmy_Pop]

First off, congrats with making so much progress with your job and money situation.

You've expressed really well some things I can completely relate to. Particularly, managing ok in life but feeling like your drug use means your best isn't as good as it would be without the use. Is it important to you to justify why you use? I ask because over the years, much of the advice and counselling I've received regarding drugs has been focused on finding the root cause of why I take drugs, as if finding this is the key to me stopping my use. Over time though, I'm beginning to think the why is unimportant. I think that drugs can be self perpetuating, in that they cause discontent that can fuel further use. I think liking to get fucked up is as valid a reason to be an addict as any other.

Yeah, I find whenever I talk about my drug use with non-addicts, there's this weird communication gap because they assume there must be some DEEP Freudian-type shit going on for me to have this hard a time quitting. Other than generally using drugs to numb pain or relieve boredom sometimes, I'm just not sure there's anything that deep and meaningful behind my reasons for using. Like as far as I can tell it's just a cycle that started with childhood curiosity and is now continued by cravings and boredom.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I really feel I need to nail this shit once and for all, but man, the pull of drugs is just so powerful at times. I almost think I need to find different friends, or something...

I hear you there. My DOC is alcohol and pretty much ALL of my acquaintances, friends, and peers around here drink or will try to get me to drink.

You seem to have an excellent handle on things or you know yourself which is good. I also am the same way.

 

[Foreigner]

Plus, I also have this general feeling that my drug abuse is just generally "holding me back." When you're more or less functional, the problems with drug abuse can be very subtle. But if you really think about it enough, they become undeniable. It's like, drugs just have a nasty way of chipping away at your shit and making it like you're running toward any particular goal with a ball and chain tied on to you. All those days you were less than your best at work, the social functions you turned down because you were crashing and feeling like shit, the calls you missed, the days you called in sick, the times you ran into an acquaintance and came off the the wrong way because you were stuck in a post-crash fog and feeling like shit. All these little things, just think of how they add up. Too much drug abuse and you just start coming across as such a disconnected, disheveled, distant zombie. People can just tell "something's up" with you, even if they can't pinpoint it as a drug problem.

I really related to this paragraph. I agree with others... your self-awareness and ability to articulate are strong assets to have.

I'm afraid I don't have the answer for you. I'm a regular cannabis user on top of enjoying psychedelics from time to time. My use these days is a lot more moderated than it used to be. I've gone through periods of major drug abuse with stimulants. My current DOC is not seen as that big of a deal to most people, but if I'm honest I haven't had a real break from pot for a very long time. My use is enforced by boredom and just wanting to feel good, stemming from a time in my life where I was going through pure hell and one of the only sources of feeling good was substance use. I agree with you that at this point it may just be a vicious cycle more than something deeply psychological. I've done a lot of therapy, some of it with psychedelics and some of it more mainstream. You can only dig so much until there is nothing left to find. My family is full of addicts so I'm wondering if there is something flawed in the genetics of my dopamine system that keep wanting me to come back. On the other hand, I find the city I live in to be incredibly boring and maybe if I had a better social network or fun things to do, I wouldn't be smoking up all the time. That's maybe a copout though... fun events tend to make me want to use more.

For me it was my choice of profession that forced me to re-think the way I do drugs, and that choice was based on a deep seated instinct to claw my way out of the hell I was in and better my life. I left my city, my family, my fucked up social groups - everything. When I got to the city I'm in now I knew no one. And now, people are relying on me every day for well being, so I have to book my binges when I have big blocks of time off, unlike before when I just did what I wanted. The kind of work I do cannot be faked or half-assed. In the least, I would lose business, and at worst someone could sue me.

Maybe you need to make a life change that really forces you to cut back by being confronted with real potential consequences. I honestly don't see myself ever stopping drugs in this lifetime, but there are ways to become a healthier user so that the negative impacts you speak of are less.

 

[mrflowers00]

i'm definitely not a functional addict and i am no where near wanting to quit so good for you that you do even though things aren't going bad for you

 

[queenscarlet88]

Plus, I also have this general feeling that my drug abuse is just generally "holding me back." When you're more or less functional, the problems with drug abuse can be very subtle. But if you really think about it enough, they become undeniable. It's like, drugs just have a nasty way of chipping away at your shit and making it like you're running toward any particular goal with a ball and chain tied on to you. All those days you were less than your best at work, the social functions you turned down because you were crashing and feeling like shit, the calls you missed, the days you called in sick, the times you ran into an acquaintance and came off the the wrong way because you were stuck in a post-crash fog and feeling like shit. All these little things, just think of how they add up. Too much drug abuse and you just start coming across as such a disconnected, disheveled, distant zombie. People can just tell "something's up" with you, even if they can't pinpoint it as a drug problem.

I think at the end of the day most "functional" drug addicts are not really as functional as they seem. Maybe that's not quite the right way to put it, but my general idea here is that you can be a drug addict and sort of chug along OK in the areas of life that you are naturally most competent at, while being fundamentally held back when it comes to making any progress in your weakest areas. Like I've managed to recover my career and financial shit since hitting rock bottom a few years ago, but that was always the part of life I was pretty OK at anyway. When it comes to relationships and emotional intimacy, I'm still pretty much as messed up as I ever was. I can't help but think that I'd be a little better off there without drugs.

So anyway, I dunno.

I really feel I need to nail this shit once and for all, but man, the pull of drugs is just so powerful at times. I almost think I need to find different friends, or something... Or maybe arrange some system where all my paycheque money automatically goes toward savings, leaving me only enough money for groceries and a few other things. I'm just so keenly aware of how stupid and counterproductive my drug use is, I feel like I should be able to deal with this like I dealt with all those other problems I was having.

You have a real gift for expressing complicated ideas clearly. Like a few other users in this thread, I'd like to thank you for posting so eloquently about the quotidian consequences of "functioning" as a drug addict. These consequences may not be as dramatic as being hospitalized for an overdose or going bankrupt, but they accumulate day by day to keep the "functional" drug addict from enjoying life fully. As you said, these consequences largely stem from the suboptimal impression that the "functional" drug addict makes on other people. Even well-controlled drug use makes the user seem less put-together ... "disconnected" and "disheveled," as you put it. Thanks for this post, and I hope we keep hearing from you!

 

[DooMMooD]

You're definitely right about the drugs holding you back. Alls I have done for awhile now is smoke weed, and although relatively benign compared to other substances, it most definitely is holding me back. Drugs definitely do that, as you're in a sense "anchored" to them.

If you're wondering why you continue to use, despite self protestations, I feel its because it gives you a feeling, emotion, a state of being almost, that you have trouble achieving sober.

If you can pinpoint what it is you are "lacking" that drugs achieve for you, possibly you can solve it. It doesn't need to go deeper than "they make me feel good and happy", but then the question arises of why you cannot feel that way when you're not high.