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Full disclosure?

captaincaveman

captaincaveman

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 30, 2007
Messages
246
Location
london
Hey peeps,

I've been seeing this woman for quite a short time but we are hitting it off big time. Physically we're intune (not going to give lurid details) and we both make each other laugh. Strangely I worked with her for almost a year and we used to bicker all the time which I suppose sounds a bit childish but we had a full and frank discussion and things have been going amazing since.

Here's the problem, I really like this girl and don't want to keep secrets from her. She's asked me about drugs before and I laughed it off. I've been high in work a few times, (surprising how easy it is to work on heroin) but I'm totally clean now. She's meeting some of my friends who aren't going to grass me up but I don't know whether to spill the beans or not. I've had a lenghty battle with drugs, had spells in the Priory and the Causeway rehabs. I don't think I'm going to tell her how bad it got but might give her a watered down version. We're in constant contact, texting and phone calls and she stays over whenever she can. I've been engaged before and that broke down due to drug use can't happen again.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated,
 
^^Are you suggesting that because she doesn't do drugs she's a 'zero'? Funnily enough there's more to life than drugs. I've only ever dated one girl who used drugs and it was fun but this girl is a different class. A top notch journalist, sexy as hell, rake thin, funny and extremely smart. We get on really well, she's sorted ie not high maintenance and I enjoy every minute with her. Had our first big fight last week and resolved it quickly. I'm worried that if I mention my drug past she'll attribute any argument to drug use. And in some ways she might be right. My tolerance levels for self obsessed morons are non-existant. Already planning a weekend away together. This is pretty serious hence don't want to rock the boat. But thanks for the reply anyway :)
 
You should tell her. Does part of you not want to tell her because you want to keep using and hide it from her? I used in secret through my marriage and my long term live in relationship. A decade of lying and deceit. Best to be honest. She probably already knows if you've been high at work.
 
If she is the woman that you think she is then she will understamd. Its not going to be worh being with somebody if they wont understand your struggles. Since you were a drug abuser you still are going to have to live with whatver consequences come your way from it, and it could potentially have negative effects on your relationship but being honest with her will be much better. Try to find the right time though, you know, when the mood is more emotional and deep :)
 
I think you guys are right. She did once ask me 'How comes even though yuo don't drink, you seem sort of out of it' I laughed and told her I'd tell you then have to kill you (she was working with me at the time. Picking the right moment is key/ Perhaps not best post-coital! She defo suspects something so as I want this relationship to continue (can't stop thinking of her) I'll come clean. She's super nice and isn't even particularly anti-drug, she still smokes weed now and again. Well wish me luck. I might see her tonight in Shoreditch. When she sees my friends she'll definitely know something!
Thanks,
 
So being totally clean, this shouldn't be an issue. If I were in her shoes, maybe worry that hanging with your heroin-friends may cause you to relapse. I've spilled my guts to a couple boyfriends, only to have them throw it back in my face the first time things go south and I really was clean. My ex still accuses me of being on drugs just because he has nothing else to put me down for. It's your call but my first response is keep it to yourself.
 
Well you said I should drop that zero. Well she's practically size zero but I inferred that you meant as she's fairly sober I should ditch her. Anyway no offence taken and I will definitely work on it. Off to Shoreditch tonight with her and she's bringing a travel bag which is nice!
 
To be honest Theresa (I think that's your name) none of my good friends use heroin (or many drugs at all). I still have some aging raver friends who pop ectasy now and again but none of my close friends use hard drugs. But they look like they do! Very artistic, waif like beings who you'd think were on smack but they're not. They'd have some stories to tell about me though. I've known most at least 10 years and they've seen me in ridiculous states.
 
badfish45 said:
If she is the woman that you think she is then she will understamd. Its not going to be worh being with somebody if they wont understand your struggles. Since you were a drug abuser you still are going to have to live with whatver consequences come your way from it, and it could potentially have negative effects on your relationship but being honest with her will be much better. Try to find the right time though, you know, when the mood is more emotional and deep :)
Click to expand...

+1

ps: It all comes down to who you are and what you want from your life. The decision is yours though
 
ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER! The last thing you want is for there to be mistrust between two lovers. It leads to whole other world of issues.

Mods: Don't you guys think he'd get some hits in SLR also?
 
I thought about posting in SLR but as it's to do with drug history (which is pretty extensive unfortunately) I thought it best here. Also TDS is where I've found the most help over the years. But feel free to move it if you think I'll get more advice (although pretty pleased with the responses so far). I think this relationship is going to lead somewhere great and honesty is the best policy, I know. Just scared that if she finds out the full extent of my drug use she'll run a mile! But she's a nice genuine person so I'll go for it! Thanks guys
 
Mods: Don't you guys think he'd get some hits in SLR also?
Click to expand...

These types of threads are good here or in SLR, really. I think it comes down to which audience is more comfortable to the OP. I know TDS regulars but not so much SLR regulars, so I'd probably turn to you guys first for relationship help since you guys know my complete story a little better and can tailor advice. Make sense? But what the SLR mods could do to help would be to link him to similar types of threads in SLR if this theme has been done before.

One of the things people worry about with those who are/were into drugs is lying, so if you do disclose everything in full she will respect this. Depending on her personality, she may or may not be shocked at first. But you just have to let your actions demonstrate that she has no reason not to trust you. As long as you are interesting enough with your life outside of drugs and she's already got that emotional connection with you, she should be able to accept you for who you are.

Women like men who are interesting. Play up the fact that you have done a lot of interesting things in your life and have really pushed the limits (have you ever done anything crazy or thrilling that was not drugs? Women like guys who are risk-takers and not afraid of anything...as long as it's not with drugs ;)). Anyway, talk a lot about your dynamic, crazy past and then just kinda splice some rough patches with drugs into it. You could say something like "and then in 2008 I did a good ten rounds with heroin, which was truly a test of my very being, but I got around that little obstacle as well." No matter how sad/depressed/worthless drugs have made you feel, don't play the victim at all. This will turn women away so fast.

Women like confidence, so you really just have to wear the addiction and any of the collateral damage like something you've benefited from, don't regret and at the same time won't get in your way anymore. Fake it until you make it if you don't feel confident (or read the self-confidence thread). Confident recovering addict >> unconfident average joe in the eyes of women, typically.
 
Yeah that makes since. I just want you to get the maximum amount of advice you can get friend. I really hope you guys work it all out and with ease. I'm in an up-and-down 4 year relationship so I know how issues of mistrust can kill a couple. Once my partner started cheated, I dealt with it but when he lies about it....that's what REALLY bothers me. Now I have issues with jealousy, mistrust and insecurity that I never had before the cheating and lying started. That's why being completely open and accessible about anything is always going to be your best bet :)
 
I think informed consent is important in any relationship. I've certainly done it in the past, talked about my past addictions, within a couple of dates before things went any further. Both times the hoping-to-be-a-significant other took it square on the chin, respected me for manning up and broaching the subject, and we were able to move forward without this particular issue getting in the way or being a potential cause of future conflict. The further down this road you go without telling her the bigger an issue it becomes potentially for the future. If she is the type to be so judgemental as to dismiss you out of hand as an ex drug user well isn't it better you know that now, before you invest any more of yourself in this relationship? If you're not quite 100% clean now she also deserves to know that so that if she wishes to she can support you through any attempts to get and stay clean in the future, but this is a decision for her to make, not you! For both your sakes I would strongly suggest you deal with this sooner rather than later. If it all goes pear-shaped because of it I think that's just a risk you have to take. If that happens what in the end have you lost? Not an honest relationship that's for sure. Don't tell her and the relationship has a dirty big lie by omission in the middle of it, doesn't it? That's not good, for either of you. Best of luck.
 
Thanks Red Leader. I've done plenty of stuff that she thought was cool. I've travelled round the world, done the world's longest bungee jump, played in band that got radio one airplay and fought a few times in Thai Boxing fights. Drugs never completely floored me, I've got a good job interviewed famous people (goverhment ministers, members of the IMF etc) which I think attracted her to me in the first place.

If I'm being totally honest I think she knows I used drugs, I have that 'look'. So I'll tell her, not be overly dramatic about the misery and stuff just that I made some bad choices a few times. The last thing I think about when I'm with her is getting high and she might have popped the odd x a few times herself. Loads of people have done drugs in London, I'll just say why I can't. She knows why I don't drink and doesn't care, so it's just an extension of that. Simples
 
I think it is always important to be honest about this kind of thing right from the start but as it comes up naturally, not a blurted out "confession" if you know what I mean. The most important thing is that you integrate your past drug use into your own thinking. What was it? Why? What purpose did it serve and what did you learn from it? What prevents you from doing it now? (That's probably an important one for her to hear). Once you can tell your whole truth, your whole story without shame or guilt, other people can actually hear it with less over reaction in their own minds.

She sounds great and I wish you luck!:)
 
Well Herb, my drug use was relatively normal until my mother got diagnosed with terminal cancer. Then I used it for self medication. This when the problems started and addiction got me bad. She knows about my family history, one of the first deep conversations we had went along the lines of 'You never tell me about your parents' well that's because they're both dead. However, I'm reluctant to use that as some sort of excuse for drug use but in reality it did change me. Can't drink anymore for the same reason. Recent relapses have had to do with work stress which I now see someone about (a therapist who thinks I'm doing great) I surround myself with the right sort of people and have even started hitting the guym again. I'm naturally quite a jolly soul and what prevents me from doing drugs is that it turns me into an unemotive robot. I like to feel things, even sad things, makes me feel alive.
I'm seeing her Thursday (weather was appaling yesterday and I'll give her the truth. Worried about coming across as 'woe is me' tyoe you hear sometimes at AA/NA meetings because honestly, losing my dad at 8 years old drove me onto to great things (decent school, decent university, top law school, top journalism school). It was my mother's death that completely koed me. Hope I don't freak her out!
 
I don't think it will freak her out. If anything, I think it will probably take it to a deeper level.

It's all going to be about the present anyway IME. If people tell me something about their past as if it is in the past but then it turns out not to be, that's when the problems start. I find most people that care about you (and she obviously does) judge things on the present.
 
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