callmespitfire
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 16, 2015
- Messages
- 13
Hi guys!
I'm confident that what I took was LSD as it was taken with three friends who had used it about 8 times prior. I really wish I could give you guys the dosage but all I can give you is 'I took one tab' and, 'My friends had taken four times as much and experienced a normal but 'strong' trip'.
So I guess I'll write this in the context of a story because describing what was happening to me is very complicated.
It's quite long but I've tried to keep it interesting! Excuse my grammar, as I've learned, the English language doesn't really work for this anyway.
Around 11pm, my friends and I sailed out. I spent the first hour and a half feeling absolutely nothing while my friends had began their trip.
I started to think I was somehow immune or that the tab I had taken wasn't strong enough, however, this very suddenly faded as I felt like my head was swelling up. This was alleviated by a popping sensation, much like how your ears pop when flying.
In an instant the trip hit me, everything looked bright and amazing, I was euphoric. I took several pictures of my face as I was so excited by how big my pupils looked, everything was magical. I never got visuals, like wavy lines or fractals but I knew I wouldn't reach a peak for several hours.
Music, euphoria, art, euphoria, a blank wall, euphoria, standard trip really... etc...
My friends wanted to go to to the local club as it was a Saturday and they wanted to look at the lights and feel the atmosphere.
This was a university funded nightclub for students in a small town, a ten minute walk from our house so it didn't seem like bad trip material at the time. So I grabbed my in flames vest, my combat trousers, my boots, my lab coat and safety glasses (ehem, augment reality visors!) as you do, I then preceded to tease the shit out of my hair so it was all messy. I enjoyed thinking of myself as a mad scientist, I guess there was some truth in that. Then we left.
On the way...
the walk was amazing. A few guys where chilling out on a rooftop, a fire going. They looked like apocalypse survivors, they called out and waved at us, serenity in a destroyed world, happiness is always relative. I was in a wasteland, I love the idea of a wasteland, life is dangerous and exciting, intuition, strategy, art, underground industrial basement raves, real social interaction, meaningful families. everyone builds their own. An Apocalypse would provide me with a world that I can mold to my strengths.
I live in a tragic society ruled by complex ideas of normality.
Wait what? Oh yeah, the club I had forgotten about that! Last entry time is closing in!
When we arrived at the night club we had VIP tickets so we got to skip the line and walk down a fenced off red carpet towards the bouncers. At this point I started tripping hard, I could hear everyone in the line cheering and shouting, I could see flashing lights, a photographer at the entrance and for a second I literally thought I was a celebrity on a red carpet at a massive important event. Blip, then I realized that I don't respect so called 'celebrities', what was I doing there? I thought I had accidentally stumbled onto a red carpet as an unimportant individual and people where shouting at me. What are you doing? Give me your ticket already! the bouncer had been asking me for my ticket, didn't realize.
Standing there in a lab coat, with safety glasses and wild hair not having a clue what was going on.
I knew the bouncer knew that I was tripping balls...
Interlude... euphoria... check out this guys t-shirt! Hey friend! take a picture of me with this T-shirt! euphoria... I thought I had entered a spaceship! Wow, amazing... two hours in.
Forty six to go.
It was all going well until my friends girlfriend stole my safety glasses, I really needed my glasses. Give me them back!
She looked at me weird, the way she looked at me? Did I intimidate her? See, I am kind of a big muscular guy (an awkward nerd though), Her friends looked at me, they looked scared. I was then afraid that I was going to attack her to get my glasses back. I'd never do anything like that sober but I really felt like forcefully ripping the glasses from her. This scared me.
Why? Why am I terrified of not having these glasses?
She was gone, fragmented into a crowd of drunken people that couldn't help or understand just how much I needed those glasses.
I suddenly felt scared and isolated what was this? Was I becoming autistic? People are looking at me, what's wrong with me? I could suddenly feel my clothes, then subtle breezes transferring through my clothes and shouting at my skin. Was I naked? Girls kept looking at me and I kept feeling like I had forgotten to put clothes on.
I could easily have left the club but my glasses... they where still really really important to me. Why?
I started trying to figure it out, my brain was running so fast, I was becoming aware that I had an autopilot, my body was doing its own thing. My hands where moving when I was trying to speak. I didn't do that? The lights where so bright and the music, I didn't like this music.
I like going nuts to angry, aggressive industrial, metal, drum'n'bass. This was R&B? What was I supposed to do? Wave my hands around like a sassy woman? Attempt to act like I was enjoying it?
Why wasn't I enjoying it? Everyone else was, I felt so isolated. Someone help me! Everyone is drunk, no one will understand what my mind is doing, no one will understand what my mind is doing, wait wasn't I over there? Now I'm outside how did that happen?
Then it got bad.
A friend of mine confronted me, he smiled, cheerfully asked how I was doing, His emotions where just not working, everything about the way he smiled looked wrong, he was moving his hands weirdly, his posture was weird and all of a sudden I felt very very depressed, I told him I had taken LSD, then his words started sounding very factual, there was no emotion in his voice, after we finished speaking he 'smiled' and cheerfully said "see you later, it was good to see you". I looked at him, analysed every word, a thousand times in a second, time had gotten so slow, I thought about how he said 'it was good to see you'. I looked at him, "bye", I coldly walked off, I've become fully autistic? What if I have a predisposition to be autistic? The way I think is extremely analytical, I can sketch full environments perfectly from memory, I can picture any face of anyone I meet, at any angle in immense detail, I can memorize a shitload of information in a very short space of time, I'm a straight A student who only got to university because he could recall pictures of text from the night before an exam. There is something inherently wrong with me, I can sometimes tell what people are going to say before they say it, there are too many distractions, the lights, the walls the floor, all of the complicated expressionless faces in the crowd, they're all screaming at me. I'm drowning and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I was gasping for air.
My consciousness was peeling back from my body but it was trapped inside the mind of an autistic child lost in a nightclub. I really need my glasses and my fellow travelers are lost in the crowd, I have snapped, I'm going to remain like this forever I'm scared there is no one in here that can help me, the people out there, they're just bit's of information, walking through lines. Blindly establishing social hierarchies and swapping data for chemical rewards. Meanwhile I'm drowning, trapped in a head that is everything the entire universe is, if the head is wrong the world is wrong, please help me everything is so obvious. (I believe this train of thought is verging on nihilism)
Interlude! It's kind of relevant. thought processes that propagated the trip.
As a young child I never feared monsters in the closet, I didn't fear heights, I didn't fear pain. I relished the thought of all of those things, there is beauty in danger.
What I feared was becoming terminally I'll, I feared becoming paralyzed, I feared what my mind could produce.
I had understanding, I figured out that there was no god. I feared an absence of consciousness. I feared that I would never see my Dad again. Why couldn't I just fear spiders? I loved picking them up...
I had a complicated childhood. I was wild, I fought, I was defiant but I was brilliant, I got absorbed in dinosaurs, evolution, physics, relativity, wormholes theories, the speed of light, the fourth dimension and time perception, my art was ten years ahead of my age, I could build complex working machines with motors and knex (like lego) I was excellent at scaling buildings, trees etc... I had so much confidence in my body and its surroundings. I always felt like the other kids hated me, I wanted to play but I always felt rejected, I would lash out because I thought that they hated my very core, I was repulsive, then impulsive. I was moved from three different primary schools (age 5-12), teachers predicted that I would be in prison before I was 20. My mum refused to accept that there was a problem and wouldn't have me seen by a psychiatrist. Bring on high school. Everything was slowing me down.
Back to the drug...
So I was drowning, I knew I wasn't. I knew I couldn't be, I kept forgetting I was in a club and that I wanted to leave. Eventually my friend presented me with the glasses and I begged him to leave, but we've only been here 20 minutes? What! Still drowning, my throat was closing off now.
I'll skip all the ensuing panic, lot's of waiting to leave, it felt like a lifetime of waiting. I couldn't just leave the club alone because I was afraid of being arrested for taking LSD or forgetting I was standing in the middle of a road.
I started becoming more dissociated from my body, I realized that my thoughts aren't actually controlled by me, thoughts arise from a release of chemicals in the brain, I was just a passenger in an organism that was filled with adrenaline and stress hormones. I realized that I couldn't control these thoughts and that the thoughts only arised from my situation. Too much sensory information, I could only deal in hormone levels but the organism seemed to be spewing out negative thoughts, my only way to control these thoughts is to move it somewhere it feels safe.
But it's my brain? I can't run away from it. I felt my thoughts as electrical pulses firing in straight lines around a circuit board, each thought had a predictable response thought. If the organism's cognition cannot keep up, the thought would loop until a new stimulation arises.
Crossing the road, a speeding car. I became intensely terrified that the organism would make an irrational decision, choose a way out. I told my friend "Hold on to me, don't let me go, I don't know what I'm going to do".
The fact that I chose to fight the urge to end my life is important.
New stimulation, "You'll feel better when you're home, listen to some music".
What if I don't like music? What if I don't like who I am? I don't know if I like who I am. Is this a hallucination? What if it's permanent, what if it's permanent, what if it's permanent?
"It's just the LSD, it will fade"
What if it's causing some kind of brain hemorrhage in my frontal cortex and linking up pathways in my brain that will be there permanently. The organism wasn't aware of how the LSD affected its neurology. Forcing yourself to relax is a paradox.
By the time I reached the house, I sat at the table. My thoughts weren't able to complete themselves, I was spewing out words in broken sentences. A sober friend was looking at me from across the table, I could read his mind, he was quietly analyzing me. I could tell he was scared for me, he thought I was broken. I was broken, he was right.
My thoughts where falling into broken sentences and then into words alone. What's with language? it's so complex, how if defines our neurology. I feel like English is lacking, English words just weren't working to appease the organism. Why do we assign words like 'good and 'bad' to emotions? Do they fully deserve emotional definition?
Languages operate different regions within the frontal cortex, multilingual peoples brains light up in different parts depending on what language they use. I think my brain was processing the wrong part of the frontal cortex, reaching for English but finding gaps.
My inability to communicate with my friends and the lack of emotional satisfaction I was getting from it was stressing the organism. Why?
I went into my room, to be alone. I closed my eyes.
I'll call this the peak of the trip.
The things I was seeing, I wasn't actually seeing. Whether I opened my eyes or closed them it didn't matter. It wasn't about what the walls looked like. I just became intensely aware of some kind of geometry I was seeing lines and blocky shapes and then angles and curves. It was like I was feeling every sensation in my body as a really obvious and intricately understandable angle or curve. My eyes where closed but all I could visualize was angles and they made so much sense. My words where angles every thing that I could see, hear or feel was an intricate and complicated mess of geometry that was so detailed that I could completely understand every aspect of it. It was overwhelming. Everything was built upon a complex predictable yet beautiful 'mess' of mathematics, not based on numbers but on curves. curves and geometry build everything I see in the world.
The turning point.
I recalled how I was thinking of killing myself, I realized the significance of asking my friend to hold on to me. A, that I wasn't gone, I wanted to live, even in a completely insane state. I could make something of myself. I could become a mathematician, I could solve the most complex equations, I could become a world class physicist.
B, That my friendship's serve a purpose, friends feel for you they will help you. They are not simply 'selfish' organisms.
Emotions followed this geometrical way of thinking. I immediately felt like I had an intense understanding of how art and music uses this geometrical structure of curves and angles to manipulate it's onlookers into feeling emotions. The pitch of a voice, the confident stroke of a brush follows a fractal like curve that subconsciously fires off emotions. It's so intricate it's beautiful. I felt like I had an understanding with artists back in the 60's. The fractals, the shapes, curves... everything points at what I experienced.
There really aren't words to describe it, my neurology was just a complex infinite mess of mechanism's arising from 'weird' geometry.
I felt lonely in my room.
I decided that I liked company, it didn't matter if I couldn't find the words to communicate with my friends or if they where talking about something I wasn't interested in. They where talking and it was rhythmic.
The biggest surprise was hearing Beethoven, I could envision how perfectly his music followed these fractal curves and angles. My mind was still analyzing everything coldly but recognizing these mathematical structures in the music was strangely soothing. The melodies aww.
As the trip faded towards the morning I found myself becoming amazed by the rhythmic intricacy in pendulums drumming. It was amazing, I decided to do some digital painting, I stopped doing art when I was ten, only started again two months ago so it's not great, I was still tripping but I had gotten used to it.
The next day my mind was racing and I was still catching things in my peripheral vision, I got about two hours sleep. tripped for another 24 hours basically, still seeing things weird and mind racing. Roughly 48 hours after taking the lSD I collapsed, slept for like 14 hours and woke up feeling normal.
Four weeks later I started getting flashbacks. Feelings of random euphoria, feelings of drowning. Lot's of weird mindsets. I even got a free trip on the fifth week. felt weird all day and then when standing in the bathroom everything suddenly got brighter. Looked in the mirror and my pupils where massively dilated. Everything looked amazing and I spend three hours listening to ovnimoon and chilling out.
I've spent months trying to rationalize how this happened to me from just one tab. So many ideas.
Could it have been that there was a huge uneven 'gloop' of LSD on my tab?
Maybe I lost control sometime in the club and someone spiked me with something? Like more acid? MDMA?
I have no Idea.
I'm battling with the thought of having an underlining mental condition like schizophrenia.
The closest thing I can think of that might explain things is that I must have had an extremely hyperactive brain as a child. My brain sees too much, thinks to fast. I can memorize so much information but it's disorganized, easily distracted and chaotic. My emotions are too strong, both good and bad. I'd theorize that people with this are extremely adaptable but it's too much to have in an ordered world. The way of slowing the brain down is to 'fog' the brain, I feel like since taking LSD The fog has been removed to an extent. Like I've forgotten how to haze out stimulus, I keep feeling like I can feel my hands too much or that I become too aware of things. I think it has put some part of my brain into a child like state. I am learning faster but I'm more distracted, time feels slower. I am also becoming ambidextrous my left hand seems to be able to write, it's scrawly but it feels like it works more like my right hand.
I tripped recently. Half a tab this time, it was great, I just felt like being a child again. My friend and I where having a great time, we dissected an old TV for its electromagnet, came up with hundreds of ideas about how it worked and explored an old mental hospital, figuring things out felt so rewarding, like being a kid again. Still didn't get the breathing walls or flowing textures though :'(
For anyone who questions their sanity while on LSD and starts having a bad trip. Take this advice.
Know that you are insane. Everyone is insane, fundamentally. Nothing really matters. Worrying about your sanity is just a pointless paradox, fear only has a purpose when it can fix something. If you fear something that cannot be fixed then the fear is useless. Your brain will realize this. it is cold and efficient in some respects, so you'll stop feeling scared eventually, even if you are insane.
The adrenaline is just too costly to produce if it doesn't alleviate the situation.
I don't really expect a conclusion from anyone, I guess I'd love to hear from someone if they've a experienced similar thing or know why my trip went how it did. I was kind of just venting my experience.
I'm confident that what I took was LSD as it was taken with three friends who had used it about 8 times prior. I really wish I could give you guys the dosage but all I can give you is 'I took one tab' and, 'My friends had taken four times as much and experienced a normal but 'strong' trip'.
So I guess I'll write this in the context of a story because describing what was happening to me is very complicated.
It's quite long but I've tried to keep it interesting! Excuse my grammar, as I've learned, the English language doesn't really work for this anyway.
Around 11pm, my friends and I sailed out. I spent the first hour and a half feeling absolutely nothing while my friends had began their trip.
I started to think I was somehow immune or that the tab I had taken wasn't strong enough, however, this very suddenly faded as I felt like my head was swelling up. This was alleviated by a popping sensation, much like how your ears pop when flying.
In an instant the trip hit me, everything looked bright and amazing, I was euphoric. I took several pictures of my face as I was so excited by how big my pupils looked, everything was magical. I never got visuals, like wavy lines or fractals but I knew I wouldn't reach a peak for several hours.
Music, euphoria, art, euphoria, a blank wall, euphoria, standard trip really... etc...
My friends wanted to go to to the local club as it was a Saturday and they wanted to look at the lights and feel the atmosphere.
This was a university funded nightclub for students in a small town, a ten minute walk from our house so it didn't seem like bad trip material at the time. So I grabbed my in flames vest, my combat trousers, my boots, my lab coat and safety glasses (ehem, augment reality visors!) as you do, I then preceded to tease the shit out of my hair so it was all messy. I enjoyed thinking of myself as a mad scientist, I guess there was some truth in that. Then we left.
On the way...
the walk was amazing. A few guys where chilling out on a rooftop, a fire going. They looked like apocalypse survivors, they called out and waved at us, serenity in a destroyed world, happiness is always relative. I was in a wasteland, I love the idea of a wasteland, life is dangerous and exciting, intuition, strategy, art, underground industrial basement raves, real social interaction, meaningful families. everyone builds their own. An Apocalypse would provide me with a world that I can mold to my strengths.
I live in a tragic society ruled by complex ideas of normality.
Wait what? Oh yeah, the club I had forgotten about that! Last entry time is closing in!
When we arrived at the night club we had VIP tickets so we got to skip the line and walk down a fenced off red carpet towards the bouncers. At this point I started tripping hard, I could hear everyone in the line cheering and shouting, I could see flashing lights, a photographer at the entrance and for a second I literally thought I was a celebrity on a red carpet at a massive important event. Blip, then I realized that I don't respect so called 'celebrities', what was I doing there? I thought I had accidentally stumbled onto a red carpet as an unimportant individual and people where shouting at me. What are you doing? Give me your ticket already! the bouncer had been asking me for my ticket, didn't realize.
Standing there in a lab coat, with safety glasses and wild hair not having a clue what was going on.
I knew the bouncer knew that I was tripping balls...
Interlude... euphoria... check out this guys t-shirt! Hey friend! take a picture of me with this T-shirt! euphoria... I thought I had entered a spaceship! Wow, amazing... two hours in.
Forty six to go.
It was all going well until my friends girlfriend stole my safety glasses, I really needed my glasses. Give me them back!
She looked at me weird, the way she looked at me? Did I intimidate her? See, I am kind of a big muscular guy (an awkward nerd though), Her friends looked at me, they looked scared. I was then afraid that I was going to attack her to get my glasses back. I'd never do anything like that sober but I really felt like forcefully ripping the glasses from her. This scared me.
Why? Why am I terrified of not having these glasses?
She was gone, fragmented into a crowd of drunken people that couldn't help or understand just how much I needed those glasses.
I suddenly felt scared and isolated what was this? Was I becoming autistic? People are looking at me, what's wrong with me? I could suddenly feel my clothes, then subtle breezes transferring through my clothes and shouting at my skin. Was I naked? Girls kept looking at me and I kept feeling like I had forgotten to put clothes on.
I could easily have left the club but my glasses... they where still really really important to me. Why?
I started trying to figure it out, my brain was running so fast, I was becoming aware that I had an autopilot, my body was doing its own thing. My hands where moving when I was trying to speak. I didn't do that? The lights where so bright and the music, I didn't like this music.
I like going nuts to angry, aggressive industrial, metal, drum'n'bass. This was R&B? What was I supposed to do? Wave my hands around like a sassy woman? Attempt to act like I was enjoying it?
Why wasn't I enjoying it? Everyone else was, I felt so isolated. Someone help me! Everyone is drunk, no one will understand what my mind is doing, no one will understand what my mind is doing, wait wasn't I over there? Now I'm outside how did that happen?
Then it got bad.
A friend of mine confronted me, he smiled, cheerfully asked how I was doing, His emotions where just not working, everything about the way he smiled looked wrong, he was moving his hands weirdly, his posture was weird and all of a sudden I felt very very depressed, I told him I had taken LSD, then his words started sounding very factual, there was no emotion in his voice, after we finished speaking he 'smiled' and cheerfully said "see you later, it was good to see you". I looked at him, analysed every word, a thousand times in a second, time had gotten so slow, I thought about how he said 'it was good to see you'. I looked at him, "bye", I coldly walked off, I've become fully autistic? What if I have a predisposition to be autistic? The way I think is extremely analytical, I can sketch full environments perfectly from memory, I can picture any face of anyone I meet, at any angle in immense detail, I can memorize a shitload of information in a very short space of time, I'm a straight A student who only got to university because he could recall pictures of text from the night before an exam. There is something inherently wrong with me, I can sometimes tell what people are going to say before they say it, there are too many distractions, the lights, the walls the floor, all of the complicated expressionless faces in the crowd, they're all screaming at me. I'm drowning and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I was gasping for air.
My consciousness was peeling back from my body but it was trapped inside the mind of an autistic child lost in a nightclub. I really need my glasses and my fellow travelers are lost in the crowd, I have snapped, I'm going to remain like this forever I'm scared there is no one in here that can help me, the people out there, they're just bit's of information, walking through lines. Blindly establishing social hierarchies and swapping data for chemical rewards. Meanwhile I'm drowning, trapped in a head that is everything the entire universe is, if the head is wrong the world is wrong, please help me everything is so obvious. (I believe this train of thought is verging on nihilism)
Interlude! It's kind of relevant. thought processes that propagated the trip.
As a young child I never feared monsters in the closet, I didn't fear heights, I didn't fear pain. I relished the thought of all of those things, there is beauty in danger.
What I feared was becoming terminally I'll, I feared becoming paralyzed, I feared what my mind could produce.
I had understanding, I figured out that there was no god. I feared an absence of consciousness. I feared that I would never see my Dad again. Why couldn't I just fear spiders? I loved picking them up...
I had a complicated childhood. I was wild, I fought, I was defiant but I was brilliant, I got absorbed in dinosaurs, evolution, physics, relativity, wormholes theories, the speed of light, the fourth dimension and time perception, my art was ten years ahead of my age, I could build complex working machines with motors and knex (like lego) I was excellent at scaling buildings, trees etc... I had so much confidence in my body and its surroundings. I always felt like the other kids hated me, I wanted to play but I always felt rejected, I would lash out because I thought that they hated my very core, I was repulsive, then impulsive. I was moved from three different primary schools (age 5-12), teachers predicted that I would be in prison before I was 20. My mum refused to accept that there was a problem and wouldn't have me seen by a psychiatrist. Bring on high school. Everything was slowing me down.
Back to the drug...
So I was drowning, I knew I wasn't. I knew I couldn't be, I kept forgetting I was in a club and that I wanted to leave. Eventually my friend presented me with the glasses and I begged him to leave, but we've only been here 20 minutes? What! Still drowning, my throat was closing off now.
I'll skip all the ensuing panic, lot's of waiting to leave, it felt like a lifetime of waiting. I couldn't just leave the club alone because I was afraid of being arrested for taking LSD or forgetting I was standing in the middle of a road.
I started becoming more dissociated from my body, I realized that my thoughts aren't actually controlled by me, thoughts arise from a release of chemicals in the brain, I was just a passenger in an organism that was filled with adrenaline and stress hormones. I realized that I couldn't control these thoughts and that the thoughts only arised from my situation. Too much sensory information, I could only deal in hormone levels but the organism seemed to be spewing out negative thoughts, my only way to control these thoughts is to move it somewhere it feels safe.
But it's my brain? I can't run away from it. I felt my thoughts as electrical pulses firing in straight lines around a circuit board, each thought had a predictable response thought. If the organism's cognition cannot keep up, the thought would loop until a new stimulation arises.
Crossing the road, a speeding car. I became intensely terrified that the organism would make an irrational decision, choose a way out. I told my friend "Hold on to me, don't let me go, I don't know what I'm going to do".
The fact that I chose to fight the urge to end my life is important.
New stimulation, "You'll feel better when you're home, listen to some music".
What if I don't like music? What if I don't like who I am? I don't know if I like who I am. Is this a hallucination? What if it's permanent, what if it's permanent, what if it's permanent?
"It's just the LSD, it will fade"
What if it's causing some kind of brain hemorrhage in my frontal cortex and linking up pathways in my brain that will be there permanently. The organism wasn't aware of how the LSD affected its neurology. Forcing yourself to relax is a paradox.
By the time I reached the house, I sat at the table. My thoughts weren't able to complete themselves, I was spewing out words in broken sentences. A sober friend was looking at me from across the table, I could read his mind, he was quietly analyzing me. I could tell he was scared for me, he thought I was broken. I was broken, he was right.
My thoughts where falling into broken sentences and then into words alone. What's with language? it's so complex, how if defines our neurology. I feel like English is lacking, English words just weren't working to appease the organism. Why do we assign words like 'good and 'bad' to emotions? Do they fully deserve emotional definition?
Languages operate different regions within the frontal cortex, multilingual peoples brains light up in different parts depending on what language they use. I think my brain was processing the wrong part of the frontal cortex, reaching for English but finding gaps.
My inability to communicate with my friends and the lack of emotional satisfaction I was getting from it was stressing the organism. Why?
I went into my room, to be alone. I closed my eyes.
I'll call this the peak of the trip.
The things I was seeing, I wasn't actually seeing. Whether I opened my eyes or closed them it didn't matter. It wasn't about what the walls looked like. I just became intensely aware of some kind of geometry I was seeing lines and blocky shapes and then angles and curves. It was like I was feeling every sensation in my body as a really obvious and intricately understandable angle or curve. My eyes where closed but all I could visualize was angles and they made so much sense. My words where angles every thing that I could see, hear or feel was an intricate and complicated mess of geometry that was so detailed that I could completely understand every aspect of it. It was overwhelming. Everything was built upon a complex predictable yet beautiful 'mess' of mathematics, not based on numbers but on curves. curves and geometry build everything I see in the world.
The turning point.
I recalled how I was thinking of killing myself, I realized the significance of asking my friend to hold on to me. A, that I wasn't gone, I wanted to live, even in a completely insane state. I could make something of myself. I could become a mathematician, I could solve the most complex equations, I could become a world class physicist.
B, That my friendship's serve a purpose, friends feel for you they will help you. They are not simply 'selfish' organisms.
Emotions followed this geometrical way of thinking. I immediately felt like I had an intense understanding of how art and music uses this geometrical structure of curves and angles to manipulate it's onlookers into feeling emotions. The pitch of a voice, the confident stroke of a brush follows a fractal like curve that subconsciously fires off emotions. It's so intricate it's beautiful. I felt like I had an understanding with artists back in the 60's. The fractals, the shapes, curves... everything points at what I experienced.
There really aren't words to describe it, my neurology was just a complex infinite mess of mechanism's arising from 'weird' geometry.
I felt lonely in my room.
I decided that I liked company, it didn't matter if I couldn't find the words to communicate with my friends or if they where talking about something I wasn't interested in. They where talking and it was rhythmic.
The biggest surprise was hearing Beethoven, I could envision how perfectly his music followed these fractal curves and angles. My mind was still analyzing everything coldly but recognizing these mathematical structures in the music was strangely soothing. The melodies aww.
As the trip faded towards the morning I found myself becoming amazed by the rhythmic intricacy in pendulums drumming. It was amazing, I decided to do some digital painting, I stopped doing art when I was ten, only started again two months ago so it's not great, I was still tripping but I had gotten used to it.
The next day my mind was racing and I was still catching things in my peripheral vision, I got about two hours sleep. tripped for another 24 hours basically, still seeing things weird and mind racing. Roughly 48 hours after taking the lSD I collapsed, slept for like 14 hours and woke up feeling normal.
Four weeks later I started getting flashbacks. Feelings of random euphoria, feelings of drowning. Lot's of weird mindsets. I even got a free trip on the fifth week. felt weird all day and then when standing in the bathroom everything suddenly got brighter. Looked in the mirror and my pupils where massively dilated. Everything looked amazing and I spend three hours listening to ovnimoon and chilling out.
I've spent months trying to rationalize how this happened to me from just one tab. So many ideas.
Could it have been that there was a huge uneven 'gloop' of LSD on my tab?
Maybe I lost control sometime in the club and someone spiked me with something? Like more acid? MDMA?
I have no Idea.
I'm battling with the thought of having an underlining mental condition like schizophrenia.
The closest thing I can think of that might explain things is that I must have had an extremely hyperactive brain as a child. My brain sees too much, thinks to fast. I can memorize so much information but it's disorganized, easily distracted and chaotic. My emotions are too strong, both good and bad. I'd theorize that people with this are extremely adaptable but it's too much to have in an ordered world. The way of slowing the brain down is to 'fog' the brain, I feel like since taking LSD The fog has been removed to an extent. Like I've forgotten how to haze out stimulus, I keep feeling like I can feel my hands too much or that I become too aware of things. I think it has put some part of my brain into a child like state. I am learning faster but I'm more distracted, time feels slower. I am also becoming ambidextrous my left hand seems to be able to write, it's scrawly but it feels like it works more like my right hand.
I tripped recently. Half a tab this time, it was great, I just felt like being a child again. My friend and I where having a great time, we dissected an old TV for its electromagnet, came up with hundreds of ideas about how it worked and explored an old mental hospital, figuring things out felt so rewarding, like being a kid again. Still didn't get the breathing walls or flowing textures though :'(
For anyone who questions their sanity while on LSD and starts having a bad trip. Take this advice.
Know that you are insane. Everyone is insane, fundamentally. Nothing really matters. Worrying about your sanity is just a pointless paradox, fear only has a purpose when it can fix something. If you fear something that cannot be fixed then the fear is useless. Your brain will realize this. it is cold and efficient in some respects, so you'll stop feeling scared eventually, even if you are insane.
The adrenaline is just too costly to produce if it doesn't alleviate the situation.
I don't really expect a conclusion from anyone, I guess I'd love to hear from someone if they've a experienced similar thing or know why my trip went how it did. I was kind of just venting my experience.
