fucking up... again

[captainballs]

i cant seem to shake the devil. i was doing real good. real fucking good. sure, i am working a low paying job but i was stacking every penny. then the monkey came back to sit on my shoulder. and pet monkeys have increased in price while my wages have gone down. i feel the pain in my stomach when i think about still being wrapped up in this world at age 28, still trying to shake these childish things. but here i am again, setting myself up for another wasted year. i dont know how to make it stop.

 

[anaddict]

All we can do is keep fighting and admit to ourselves that we have been weak and continue be so. All we can do is try to be a little less weak everyday. I am right here with you man and I am also your same age having these exact same thoughts. I have found having a support system has helped me alot. I am becoming a firm believer in the value of talking about my problems to a any sympathetic soul. All my life and up to a month ago I thought that therapy was a joke and never would have considered it. That has completely changed recently however. I have been lucky enough to have family and friends to talk about these things with candidly and that has helped a bunch but I am still considering getting some professional help. Talking things out of our head is very important and seeking someone who is a pro at doing just that may be worth it. Keep fighting man and keep your head up. You have tremendous worth and deserve a better life. You can be better and you are worthy of being better. Never stop telling yourself that. No matter how many times that devil gets the best of you just dust yourself off and try again. We all make so many mistakes in our lives and while some are judged more harshly by society than others it does not matter. We are imperfect creatures but we all deserve to get better and love ourselves. Keep fighting man and maybe take a little solace that I (and many others like us)am right there fighting these same things with you everyday.

 

[RedLeader]

Think about this. Let's assume that you landed a job tomorrow making four or five times what you make right now. Great, right? Sure, it might boost your ego, but don't forget that you're (psychologically) addicted to heroin and when that first paycheck hits, you're going to have a really hard time not justifying a little splurge. I'm not saying that it necessarily would, but it's believable that you could build up a good little gram-a-day habit if the money was seemingly unlimited like that. I blew through money so unbelievably fast when it was readily available (and my tolerance skyrocketed, I started getting sicker and sicker in the mornings, and then one day the money ran out and I had to learn how to spend money that wasn't mine, and then it all got even worse...). And with that habit and it's collateral damage in motion, even if you did maintain the job, you probably wouldn't be profiting as much as if you stayed clean and stacked your pennies at your current job. So would it really be that different? It would be the same as now, only amplified.

Of course you're going to tell me that conditioned on you actually getting that much better job, you'd be much better able to put heroin behind you. All I can say to that is "well I hope that you can prove me right on that one day!" Heroin is a really powerful addiction and it does not discriminate. Walking away from that was the hardest thing I've ever done (and I've done a lot in my life), and it's definitely not something that can be "switched off" upon something like a promotion. Getting clean now, though, will (1) make staying clean once you get that better job with the fatter paychecks easier and (2) will better give you the chance of getting that better job at all.

If that does not work, then as a friend I just don't want to see you go through some of the shit I did. Any of it, really, from true dopesickness to legal troubles to doing things you never thought you'd do. You're way too good of a person for any of that.

 

[painenduser]

Just a thought, something that may help you wean that monkey off you shoulder a little bit.. Stay around here a bit, read what others are going through. See if you can relate to them. See if you can relate to others situations and maybe offer some advise here and there. While you may at first feel like a hypocrite, thinking to your self, I can't believe that I am trying to help people while I myself have issues. But what you will find is over time while helping people you will actually start helping yourself. It's just one way in which you can start getting the money off your back and into the cage. It's an amazing when you realize that others are learning from you and infact your pain is starting to settle. It's just one way I can think to start helping yourself when your not sure where to begin. It's very satisfying to know that you are helping someone and at the same time learning some things about yourself. It may help you to figure out where to start working on yourself.

Just something to try, can't hurt to try right? As the commercial says, "Hey, you never know!"

Good luck!

Pain

 

[stardust.hero]

CB it will be okay minor set backs aren't the end. You are 28 that isn't old by any means. I know how hopeless and entrapped you can feel in addiction.

painenduser made a great point to visit this section. I know this section could have a stigma of "you're going to go cry to TDS" and a lot of people don't want to come here because of that.

I spent my first time around on Bluelight as a drug user posting about my highs on many of the sections. When I had to stop for some reason or another I left Bluelight because I no longer had a reason or interest to be here. I came back recently on a whim and found this section was better suited to me this round.

You are a wonderful person and a great contributor and I know you enjoy Bluelight. I think if you can channel your energy in a way that will help you it will work for you. It worked for me this time around coming back to Bluelight with finding and giving help here. I know you said that this time around you find happiness in making other people laugh and be happy. Maybe you will find guidance and hope in helping other people in a different way. Possibly by providing support or your personal experiences. I know that helped me.

Please stick around and let us know how you are feeling. We are here to help. We all need help too and in giving help it also helps us.