Fucking life, I'm sick of it.

[Dave]

I think that Enki hit the nail on the head with the mental distortions post. I've fallen into more than a few of them myself (all or nothing and mind-reading were some of my favourites), and I can see a few in your posts tommy. It's not uncommon to display these, and they're generally expressed unconsciously (so they're not due to any sort of character defect or anything).

A little tidbit that I've found myself saying a lot lately is that it is best to "have your thoughts, not be your thoughts". In other words, you are not your thoughts, your emotions or anything like that. They all arise from you, but it is a very common mistake to identify with one's thoughts or feelings, which in turn is a recipe for disaster. When we identify with thoughts and emotions, we wind up spending a lot of time in our heads, which just grows the problem as the maladaptive thoughts and feelings feed on themselves if given a chance.

I can offer further advice if you'd like, but I'd like you to think on this for a bit, as well as the other excellent advice in this thread first.

 

[malakaix]

A little tidbit that I've found myself saying a lot lately is that it is best to "have your thoughts, not be your thoughts". In other words, you are not your thoughts, your emotions or anything like that. They all arise from you, but it is a very common mistake to identify with one's thoughts or feelings, which in turn is a recipe for disaster. When we identify with thoughts and emotions, we wind up spending a lot of time in our heads, which just grows the problem as the maladaptive thoughts and feelings feed on themselves if given a chance.

This is sound advice, and it's good to practice this.. i often slip back into identifying with my thoughts and emotions, and that can sometimes incur a depressive or anxious episode. The more you remind yourself of this, the more you become aware of it.

I don't know who I am, what I stand for or what my purpose is. I guess I believe that when I find this identity I will find some sort of peace and respect for life. Instead I have just been constantly shut down by my own negative thoughts and inability to move out of my sad depressed comfort zone.

Coincidentally, i found myself saying this also today that 'I don't know who i am'.. and it really stood out because i realized any notion of who i believe,think or feel i am isn't who i am.. it's a self-perpetuating cycle that just goes around in circles in the pursuit of an identity that doesn't exist.

It sounds like the depression has caused you to question yourself in a way that's challenged the very foundation of who you are, i'm not sure i can offer any advice, because like yourself.. i'm in a similar situation where i feel like im watching the world pass by from inside a glass cage, i do however believe the practice of dis-identification is key.

Hold on man, its hard but you will get through it.

 

[Legerity]

I'm not sure where all this jock talk came from. I'm not comparing myself to the people I went to school with. Yes, I do hate some for their consistent bullying but I don't know what they are doing with their lives now, nor do I care. I was trying to say I am the kid that wasn't particularly smart, not very interesting and not very attractive. I was a nobody and when I left school I began to build an identity but only for it to be ruined with my mood swings and constant moral changing. I don't know who I am, what I stand for or what my purpose is. I guess I believe that when I find this identity I will find some sort of peace and respect for life. Instead I have just been constantly shut down by my own negative thoughts and inability to move out of my sad depressed comfort zone.

It can be good to not know who you are. The identities that most people I see take on are superficial roles that they playing. It's better to not know than to think you know, in my opinion.

Like others just mentioned, thoughts and emotions are not who you are. They come and go, but you choose how to respond to them.

 

[suessmayr]

It sounds like you could have some sort of 'self' disorder in addition to a 'mood' disorder, Tommy, but it's hard to distinguish the two, especially at your age, and probably not very helpful anyway.

The biggest thing that came out at me from this thread was the fact that you're not on medication and have only tried one AD, right? Someone with your level of depression should really be giving himself a chance to improve and that often requires psychiatry. I still don't understand your reluctance.

S

 

[yellodolphin]

hey i feel the same way man

i was a daily opiate user for five years and i quit and got clean

you know what the truth is for me is what bob marley said. songs of freedom is all i ever had thats the truth for me. songs of freedom all i really ever had.

life sucks but atleast there is good music. art sustains life and it can help.

i dont know if youve lost things or are just lost but we all get found have faith. and be open to people. people that come into your life can be like a teacher or lover or whatever but they help.

we turn to drugs alot of the time to feel better but it usually doesnt last. your not alone if that helps. i have opium poppies tattoed on my skin and this love of mine is gone.

 

[Asclepius]

^Loved reading that post yellowdolphin, so glad you're doing better and agree wholy with your philosophy/wisdom.