Fucking life, I'm sick of it.

[tommy34]

So I'm at the point where I am going to start making a plan an writing letters. I'm so sick of this bullshit everybody relishes so god damn much. I don't know where to turn, Ive been to many doctors, confider in people and I still get no help. Nobody cares how I feel, they just care if I'm going to commit so they wont feel some kind of guild and possibly sadness. I feel anger that I've never felt, its the worst. I'm not an angry person and being angry just makes me more angry. I feel like killing myself now and I'll wake up in the morning and be sickened by the thought and the next day be in this exact same position. I'm sick of feeling like this. Everybody else gets life tattooed on their thigh an posts corny shit on facebook about how fucking wonderful it is. Why? Its bullshit. Every fucking second is a battle and then having to battle your own thoughts just puts the ribbon on it.

This site is the only place I can vent, If I say half the stuff that goes on in my mind to anyone I will be locked up in a mental institution. While the rest of my family is out exploring Europe I'm here in this shit hole and possible about to be homeless in this shit hole. 21 and I'm still the same loser I've always been. So many hopes and dreams but still here, doing jack shit with my life.

 

[Darksidesam]

What country do you live in?

I know what you mean about the whole going nowhere in life. Things can drastically change too for the better, Or the worse.
Sometimes when things dont change for a long time, it all goes and stays sour for ages, thats sort of my situation until i move out (Which should be soon).
What sort of things interest you, work or career wise? This sounds like a lot of Repressed anger, When you sleep do you clench your fist unwillingly?

Dont quit life, stop and think differently for a second, you never know whats going to happen ive just recently learnt. My situation hasnt improved yet at all, but i can see it can and it can be done too, before i thought i couldnt so it just goes to show.

Good Luck!! Dont do anything stupid!

 

[suessmayr]

Hey man. You're right, life is fucken shit. But you're too young to have given a fair go to anything. We get ourselves into trouble by taking drugs and making bad choices; I think if you really thought that all this suffering had simply come down on you for no reason at all you would not be alive writing this. We have to try really hard to get back on track after taking the easy road with drugs. I know you feel like you can't do that; I feel like you can. I'm nowhere near as depressed atm as I have been in the past, and that's significant.


S

 

[tommy34]

I live in Australia. I want to be a Psychologist. I enrolled in a Bachelor of social science (Psychology) and I find out on the 12th of July if I got in. I was so god damn keen for it after I did the bridging course but I can't do that shit when I'm like this. I can't think properly and I just don't care enough to do it.

I just feel like I've got nothing now. I can't fall back on my family if I need to move out. I can;t handle anything, I'm a little bitch. I can't be fucked to even take my car to be serviced. Its 7 000 kms over due. I can't be bothered trying to sell it because I owe my mum too much money. I'm just a loser and I don't even know why I bothered pretending I'm not, I just made a fool of myself.

 

[suessmayr]

You can't be a loser at your age man, seriously. I'm 23 so I'm in a similar situation. For the past year and a half I've just been doing one or two units at uni. It's really flexible, so you should get started on something.

Whereabouts in Australia you live?

S

 

[tommy34]

On the Sunshine Coast in QLD. I doubt I will be around much longer so not much point in doing that shit.

 

[suessmayr]

Hey man, come on. You must be at little unsure of yourself as you had a thread going the other day. But you're still alive which is great.

I'll level with you man - I never understood those arguments that go like: "Don't do it! It would be such a tragedy!" - that is to say, I don't sympathise with the view that life is in some sense inherently valuable.

However - and this is the reason I am still alive - I do think that pleasure and happiness are inherently precious. And I do think that for people our age, it is almost a certainty that we will recover to some, maybe even to a significant, degree. Therefore by killing yourself now you would in a strong sense be depriving yourself of a recovery that is very nearly certain, and upon which would follow some good times again. That is why you must stay alive; you don't owe it to anyone else, and maybe not even to yourself, but if you accept the above reasoning the choice to die becomes illogical.

I will asssume that you have not had even a glimpse of happiness or hope in some time. Can I ask what you are doing to help yourself? You cannot expect to experience hope - and hope is key - without trying to help yourself. And this does not mean going for one jog, or attending one shrink appointment, but gritting your teeth, accepting that you feel terrible and will feel terrible and giving yourself at least some opportunity for improvement. This is important to understand.

I know that when you're depressed it's hard to feel that you're being understood unless people say things like "yeah fuck life, this is how you should die...", but I feel you man, believe me I fucken feel you, and I'm telling you what I know is right.

S

 

[NomNomNom]

You don't get to quit now because you haven't seen the whole thing yet. Your whole life that is. When i was 20 i was very suicidal and told almost no one, i could barely muster the energy to get up and do basic daily things. I was depressed and embarrassed about it and afraid to tell anyone. I came really close to dropping out of college.

Then some things picked up for me. I got a girlfriend, joined a fraternity, got an ($8/hr - woo!) job in the field i was studying. I was happier, at the very least distracted from my depression, then things gradually got better. Then about a year later all that kind of blew up - lost the job, the girl turned out to be psychoclincgy, the fraternity was full of hyperexclusive toolbags, so i rolled with the punches. The girl was psycho but the sex was good and she was a nice girl, the frat was full of dbags galore but there were still some good aspects and a couple really cool kids that i'm still friends with.

Then by my 2nd senior year (23 years old) i had a new, better g/f, a better paying job in a nice restaurant, still in the fraternity but didn't feel beholden to the whims of the toolbags 'in power'. I sold bud, got laid, got a 3.4 GPA, and got lots out of life. I was genuinely happy.

Then...that all sort of blew up...graduated college, left my fun restaurant job to "be responsible and adult like" started working a full time job i hated....stayed in it for 3.5 years because even a crap sales job was tolerable and even enjoyable on Percocet...then i lost that job and was happy...then i was scared for my future...played poker full time to support myself and liked it...then 9 months later had to give it up to go back to the grind...and i was happy for the first 6 months...then i hated it...and on and on.

I'm 29 now, and i still get depressed here and there, but when i look back on my life, i had to go through all of the periods of depression that i did, i just couldn't pull myself out, but i LEARNED a little each time. Learned to cope and shorten the duration and severity. Many, MANY times in my life i felt like the load i was carrying was too heavy to bear and that suicide was my only way out. Somehow i trudged through it one day to the next, and eventually those days turned into 6 months or so, and finally something would give, and the doom and gloom would be lifted.

***Sorry to kind of tl;dr here, but the point is this: Your life WILL have always have negative aspects to it, and you WON'T always been in control. Believe me, EVERYONE and i mean EVVVERYONE in this world struggles with inadequacy feelings of some kind. Everybody gets down on themselves. Plenty of the people you see "always living it up" on Facebook feel the need to interrupt their 'awesome times' for photo ops to post on Facebook as if to say "see, i'm having fun, this is fun, right? I'm cool guys, right?" Not saying that's always the case, but believe me it is the case with a lot of people.

Try to let it all wash over you, don't kick yourself and feel depressed because you feel depressed. I've done that too - a little down in the dumps and depressed then you make it 10x worse by wondering "WTF is WRONG with me, why am i so depressed, why am i a LOSER???"

Don't compound the depression you're feeling by being further down on yourself for feeling a little glum. It's easier said than done to get out of that spiral, but just own it - "Yup, i am DEPRESSED as hell, but fuck it, it's not going to beat me. I'm not going to let this feeling be my undoing, not going to give up my life to this evil demon that lives inside me. My depression doesn't get to win, I DO. Maybe i only win 1 out of every 100 right now but goddammit i'm not going to just give up."

Good luck man, i'm totally rambling at this point but try to accept the things you can't change, and change some of the things you can.

You might benefit from getting on some medication, even if only for a short while. If the thought of that just makes you angrier, you should consider finding someone to talk to. A 'therapist' for lack of a better term. It's just a totally non-judgemental person who will listen to everything you have to say and usually gives very little feedback, but is listens intently so that they can repeat what you're telling them and give you an impartial perspective on your life that isn't clouded by all the muckity-muck you feel on a daily basis.

*Edit - Sorry this post is preachy sounding and sort of disjointed. This is what has worked for me and i figured i'd just share my experience. Good Luck Man, keep sticking it out and i promise you'll get to see some good things in life along with the bad and the ugly.

 

[suessmayr]

***Sorry to kind of tl;dr here, but the point is this: Your life WILL have always have negative aspects to it, and you WON'T always been in control. Believe me, EVERYONE and i mean EVVVERYONE in this world struggles with inadequacy feelings of some kind. Everybody gets down on themselves. Plenty of the people you see "always living it up" on Facebook feel the need to interrupt their 'awesome times' for photo ops to post on Facebook as if to say "see, i'm having fun, this is fun, right? I'm cool guys, right?" Not saying that's always the case, but believe me it is the case with a lot of people.

It seems like the feelings Tommy is dealing with are perhaps a bit more severe than ordinary sadness, and we don't want to invalidate him, but there is alot of great value in this post.

Tell us Tommy, what are you doing for yourself atm? Meds, doctors? What?

S

 

[NomNomNom]

Final Thought: The thing that helped me when i was in the pit of my depression was just saying to myself:

"I don't want to die like this, to die completely sad, in an angry and alone mental state. If i have to go, i want do die with a smile on my face...i don't want my mom to come and identify my body and see this shithole of a room i've been throwing myself around in, fucking cigarette butts and half eaten pizza all over the place. How fucking embarrassing. I don't want to die like this, a sad fucking mess...if i die i want to go out happy and with a clear conscience, i can't let it end like this..."

 

[NomNomNom]

It seems like the feelings Tommy is dealing with are perhaps a bit more severe than ordinary sadness, and we don't want to invalidate him, but there is alot of great value in this post.

Tell us Tommy, what are you doing for yourself atm? Meds, doctors? What?

S

You're right, i shouldn't assume that my depression was directly analogous to his, even if i do see some similarities. I definitely don't have all the answers, just try take what i said as one man's experience, it wasn't my intention to sound like i'm getting up on soapbox and just laying out 'the way it is', i apologize if the tone of my post reads like that.

Good Night, and Good Luck!

 

[tommy34]

I go to the gym almost every day of the week. I enjoy it but I'm still a fat fuck. I have a girlfriend who is amazing. She has been through depression and I think she is getting better. We used to talk about it but we don't really bring it up. I've only told her a handful of times about my anxiety an I don't think she quiet gets how anxious I get. I hate spending time with friends, I like the thought of it but I don't enjoy the practice.

I try so hard to fight it, since I was 14. Took me a good 4 years to admit it to myself and another year to seek help. I try thinking positive but then I realise that no matter how hard I fight I'm still going to be a fuck up. I'm still going to be that kid that never did anything with his life. I'm still going to be that kid that everybody picked on at school because I had no feelings. No one will ever heard me say how fucking shit it was growing up being told your dad was a women basher. Nobody will know what its like to fight so fucking hard to never be like that an feel the battle being pulled out of your hands by anger itself. Its fucked, I want to be somebody else an there isnt a fucking thing I can do about it. I'm stuck here in a world I don't want to be in being a person I don't want to be.

 

[suessmayr]

It's great that you go to the gym. And so often; I won't believe that there is no hope for you if you can get there almost every day. That is incredible. I manage less than half that.

I see more and more similarities between your situation and mine. Do you think that any part at all of your sadness can be put down to difficulties involved in 'growing up' generally? Everybody I knew during school has changed so much since then. Like complete makeovers. I also remember that around the period between school and university I felt very inadequate and confused. In my case I was a real loud mouth in school and this made difficult the transition to a community where I knew noone.

You're so young man. I say this not to invalidate you - believe me, I know that age is totally immaterial to this shit - but to repeat what I said earlier, viz., that you are just too young to rule out recovery. Things always change. Wouldn't you have to agree that you can't exclude the possibility of change?

Are you on meds?

S

 

[tommy34]

I'm not on meds. I was on Citalopram for 2 weeks, I have suicidal ideation like I've never had it before. Long story short I have scars all up my arms. Doctors think I'm having a rough day an don't seem to give a shit. I've been depressed since I was about 14 so I've become very good at hiding it and even when I am trying to tell a doctor the walls are still up. Ive always been very embarrassed about it and never really told my mum or anyone. I just feel like if the doctors wont help me then I'm going to be stuck here forever, I can't do this on my own an I don't know where to turn.

 

[suessmayr]

Turn to a decent shrink, for one? Man we live in Australia. We have a fantastic health system that is the envy of the fucking world. You can see practically any psychologist or shrink for zero dorrahs. Free.

There are dozens and dozens of meds and even more kinds of therapy. It seems to me that you don't really have the right - that sounds a bit brazen - that you have no good reason to speak as though you're totally doomed when there are so many options you've never tried. Not to mention your age.

Some anti-depressants are referred to as 'activating', some as 'sedating'. Escitalopram usually falls into the former category. Others, like avanza, fall into the latter. If escitalopram got you wired and produced negative energy you could benefit from a more calming one.

I don't think you could possibly overestimate the importance of this at this stage. You are seriously sick. And we live in a country that has an amazing acceptance of mental illness. Emphatically, you must see a shrink and talk about some meds.

S

 

[Legerity]

Yes the world as we tend to see it isn't the most appealing place. But what we choose to focus on also will play a big part in how we feel. To change how we feel about ourselves takes some time but it's a worthwhile process. I understand at this point you feel that nothing is going to change. Difficulties can seem to pop up out of nowhere, but positive experiences can come just as unexpectedly. So all I'm saying is that not seeing a way out doesn't mean there isn't one.

I'm far from having reached and state of complete peace with myself although the difference between me now and ten years ago is enough evidence for me that change is possible and that our beliefs/perceptions are less solid than we might think

 

[NomNomNom]

...I try thinking positive but then I realise that no matter how hard I fight I'm still going to be a fuck up. I'm still going to be that kid that never did anything with his life...

My opinion? You ARE doing something with your life right now. Probably the most important thing a person can do - you're soul searching. Some people just see what they want and go for it and never think twice. I'll be honest, i've always envied people like that a bit.

You have at least recognized that something is amiss. You know that you want to be doing more with your life, and you recognize that you're not able to just run right out and do that right now. Even just acknowledging that there is a problem, that you're unsure how to go about fixing it, and trying to reach out to strangers here on Bluelight is doing something with your life. First thing's first, you know?

As far as being the fat kid, i was always the smallest kid in school. Even in my Sophomore year of high school there wasn't 1 freshman who was smaller than me. People routinely told me to my face "Eastern Mountain" (the junior high) is THAT way. Just to give themselves a little giggle. I wanted to cry every time. I was sent home from school on my birthday my freshman year because every kid in my English class took it upon themselves to punch as hard as they could 14 times. Just because they could, because i obviously couldn't defend myself too well. Not one of them got in trouble and i had to sit through the rest of the year with all of them.

I've talked to people since graduating and most of the 'hot chicks' were secretly sad because it was assumed they were dumb. The really smart girls thought it was impossible for anyone to ever find them attractive. A lot of successful/popular 'jock' types became really depressed when they couldn't make the cut in college and started drinking heavily because it felt like they were now without an identity

- I'm not trying to trivialize or downplay your suffering, but instead just kind of trying to stress to you that what you're feeling is almost a natural consequence of living in society. It seems silly to mention that "hot chicks felt sad because everyone thought they were ditzy dumb blondes", but to them, this could have been a cause of deep depression. In other words EVERYBODY HURTS.

Even people running around carefree having fun all the time can be filled with self doubt, they're just better at fooling others. Look inward and find a way to be happy with yourself (without comparing yourself to others or trying to live up to a societal ideal of what a great man is.) Work on some things that you can be proud of and tell yourself that you're great. Give yourself credit for going through life carrying this emotional load that you do. You know how hard it is, give yourself credit for making it as far as you have.

(Sorry if i'm going way over the top trying to type something inspiring, i can just feel your pain through what you typed and it brings back memories of being in a low place.)

 

[suessmayr]

Yeah all the most popular kids from my school, the jocks and rugby kids, are now the sorriest bunch of fucking losers I have ever seen. Total washups. Most of them work at gyms on uni campuses - how fucking lame is that? They couldn't even make the cut for uni so they hang around in the uni gyms trying to chat up uni girls who of course think they're are fucking douchebag idiots.

And so many of the quiet/inconspicuous kids are doing really original things with their lives. Everything changes man.

 

[tommy34]

I'm not sure where all this jock talk came from. I'm not comparing myself to the people I went to school with. Yes, I do hate some for their consistent bullying but I don't know what they are doing with their lives now, nor do I care. I was trying to say I am the kid that wasn't particularly smart, not very interesting and not very attractive. I was a nobody and when I left school I began to build an identity but only for it to be ruined with my mood swings and constant moral changing. I don't know who I am, what I stand for or what my purpose is. I guess I believe that when I find this identity I will find some sort of peace and respect for life. Instead I have just been constantly shut down by my own negative thoughts and inability to move out of my sad depressed comfort zone.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm not on meds. I was on Citalopram for 2 weeks, I have suicidal ideation like I've never had it before. Long story short I have scars all up my arms. Doctors think I'm having a rough day an don't seem to give a shit. I've been depressed since I was about 14 so I've become very good at hiding it and even when I am trying to tell a doctor the walls are still up. Ive always been very embarrassed about it and never really told my mum or anyone. I just feel like if the doctors wont help me then I'm going to be stuck here forever, I can't do this on my own an I don't know where to turn.

The more you are able to talk about it, the better. I can see that you have already shared a lot here, and that is great.

There are many other people who have felt similarly for just as long, you don't have to feel this way forever.