fucking kills me when family/friends questions your sobriety!

[Jabberwocky]

yes, it's been talked about 5 million and 1/2 times by now, but it still bothers the fuck out of me.

yes, I am a raging heroin addict w/ multiple overdoses and 2 DUI's and a million other things, but I have finally come around and have found a reason to live, do well, and go forward w/ life. I am in the final stages of getting my license back, saved up close to 10k to buy a car out right and then put all the money toward insurance and getting it on the road.

but what do I still get!? I get.. "your voice sounds different". "you've been acting different the last 2 weeks". "I really doubt you would pass a drug test right now". and a million more other things to the point where I threw a punch threw my fathers van and he blames "drug use" as to why I would be mad and punch.

yes, wrong thing to do, but he and I been battling for years.. years and years before drugs even started.

that was weeks ago, but today I got it more and more.. seriously, who do you handle this? yes, its my fault because I was the fucking super junkie for the past 12yrs w/ jail time, multiple programs and detoxes, multiple DUI's and totaled cars, etc. yes, I fucked up BIG TIME! but when do I get a fucking chance to show I am making a come back?

I am on suboxone; so to my mother and father, I am far from sober, and when certain things come out of my mouth, its the "suboxone talking".

I shot 1-2G's of heroin a day; the 12MG of bupe I take daily barely does a thing.

sometime I just cant talk it; which is why this rant is here.

if I even had the money or connection to get dope right now, it would be in my arm in about 20 minutes. luckily, things have changed and I cant even.

 

[Epiper888]

I feel you man. My family does the same thing. I'll be sober as can be and my mother will say "your eyes look really big" when in reality hers are bigger than mine.

It does piss me off ALOT and sometimes I gotta calm myself down. And this is only a result of valium possession

 

[AllorNothing]

So I was basically wearing your shoes until l about 6 months ago. (Fucked up and am no longer clean... Ah well) anyways my point being: it took me carrying around dip tests and pissing for my gramps whenever he popped off with some ignorant shit. "Your eyes are big, are you on that fucking heroin again?" He is so ignorant he didn't even know which drugs he was accusing me of using. I know it's bullshit and it shouldn't be that way but do the dip test thing. After the 4th time of me just walking out to my car (without freaking out and making a scene) he never questioned me again. What was he gonna do argue with a totally random piss test? Good luck man, and don't fall into the "I'll show you high" trap lol.

 

[Jabberwocky]

told ma dukes to stop at CVS and lets get a drug test; she says they are too expensive. I said they dont fucking accuse me of shit. not only that, but I take 2 drug tests a month between probation and the suboxone Dr but they think I have my way around those.

its just funny at this point.

 

[BlackWarGreymon]

Well its has to do with two things, you and THEM! Yes I said that right. You see addiction or any behavior is not just one sided. In this case all I can say is while you are making an effort to change you got to be firm and solid on it and not let them use those bait traps of talk and guilt trip convo starters to make you feel down. You are changing, the question is are they? Because while you may have made poor choices in life like many do and not knowing all about your situation mind you, I will say that how did you get to this point? Was it just on your own? No someone helped put you in that spot and your family more than likely has not accepted that fact...

 

[BlackWarGreymon]

You know if you are going to change and want acceptance and are not getting it because nobody around you wants to change or admit they got issues too, then I suggest you for one change for you and nobody else. Don't do it for them, do it for yourself! If they cannot see you have changed, then its not your fault! Period!

 

[namnoc16]

Hey BBT you do some really good posts and I look forward to reading them but I gotta say I believe you might be wrong on this one.Please don't get mad I'm not trying to insult you I sympathize and empathize with you. I've been there and I still get it every now and then(not so much anymore). It takes along time to heal those deep wounds we've made while we were using and the people we hurt live in such fear that we might slip back into the monsters we were they tend to express it for quite sometime. Your only human ,so it's natural that it pisses you off but trust takes awhile to earn back.nlike our instant gratification from drugs getting back trust is a long slow road. You will get it,you just need to keep being a good example. These people love you and when they see us in our sickness it hurts and scares them. their worst fear is we backslide but as long as you keep doing right things will improve. Even if you could do dope don't ever let them get to you so bad you say fuck it because it will hurt you the most. Again man I'm not trying to be critical(my past wouldn't allow me to judge anyone else) it's just that it's hard work but if you keep doing right they will come around. This is about your recovery not what they think! Keep posting the good stuff man and stay away from that sweet poison!
Now that I have children I fear more then anything they turn out like me. It would wreck my world and I now can see the damage I've done to my family.They want nothing more then us to be happy and live a nice healthy life even if it comes out the wrong way sometimes!

1 more thing, Boston is one of my favorite citys,used to party up by fenway at a piano bar I believe it was called Mikes or Mickeys(can't remember name, last time I partyed there was when Red Sox played Yankees in A.L. playoffs and Pedro pushed Don Zimmer down)

 

[Jabberwocky]

gotta realize, I've been a junkbox for the past 12yrs; I have lived at home MAYBE 6 months in those 12yrs, and in those 6 months I was absolutely clean and we didnt argue once; I was coming off a break up w/ a girl and I let her have the apt and I still paid while living at home.

they are NOT involved in my everyday life; they have no helped much over the years. there was no money given, no sympathy given, no nothing given besides the once in a bloom moon chat about how I have to change my life. but yes, those times have changed and I lost my job in Software Sales (because of 2nd DUI) and I've been working w/ my father on and off for the past few months, and you'd be SHOCKED if you saw some of the brawls/words said between us. he legit had me throw a punch and dent his truck rather than his face. and if I did hit him, it wouldn't be the first time because we had some serious issues back in highschool days as well.

I take full responsibility for what I've done; it's time both of them wake the fuck up, separate, and start living a happy life APART from one another. maybe then they'll "come to" and realize there are other words to be said in this world rather than negative.

 

[manboychef]

That might be one of the problems BBT. They may be coming down on you to help cope with the stress of a failing marriage.

I have to say, it takes one instance to lose trust, but a lifetime to gain it back.

It does not matter what they think BBT, everything you are doing is about you. You are the reason you are staying away from drugs, not them. You are the reason you are saving for a car and clearing your name, not them. If in your travels out of addiction they come to their sense about you that's a bonus. I guess what I mean to say you are doing the right thing, and if it makes you feel okay, then do not worry what others think.

 

[namnoc16]

I gotcha buddy,sorry didn't understand the dynamics. You know what they say when you assume ,guess I'm an ass(lol)!. Stay clean for yourself and please keep us informed, really do like the shit you post.

Stay Cool

 

[szuko000]

Yeah i know it sucks. I have been clean for a while (8 months) and my life and the life of my g/f have both like rocketed into the stratosphere in ways that i couldnt even predict. So one morning i am tinkering with stuff in what is now my lab/workshop with all the glorious things i spend my money no now and she randomly asks me one morning "do you still have the watch you asked for back after saying you were clean i havent seen it in a while" and like im giving her money for car payments i have accelerated in a very measurable way the types of things i work on and talk about. I literally just said "wtf mom i thought we were like way past this (jokingly) get the fuck out with that"

And there has been a huge massive change in every aspect of my life. Hell i have a car and give her money rather then begging for money from my girlfriends cell phone after pawning mine, i really should have taken offence but shes just being my mom. I just hope it stops at some point lol

 

[manboychef]

It takes a long time to repair trust. Take what people say with a grain of salt, because as addicts, we have hurt them in ways we cannot ourselves understand. However, if they are still talking this way, it means they are not doing the work needed to recover themselves.

@szuko. You will notice lots of very good changes, be wary when your momentum slows down a little because that is the time you need to be extra vigilant of "relapse mentality". I combat it by getting new plants for my garden.

also, what are you working on, I am very interested.

 

[szuko000]

@szuko. also, what are you working on, I am very interested.

Science has always been a passion of my since i was quite literally 5 years old. In fact my mom recently found a progress report from grammar school (4th grade in the US I was 10) where my teacher says i am the class scientist and thats my reputation lol.

But anyway right now the actual physical progress is in fireworks. Formulating everything basically, it is way harder to produce the correct grade of black powder then it would seem so each time i get closer to the "hot kind" used for breaking areal display shells its progress. Started from barely burning to capable of launching a blank shell 50ft in the air. I also recently paper macheed an actual ball shell rather then the repurposed items i use for test shells but thats how they make round areal display ones its paper mache around a hemisphere.

Then theres rockets to rolling the tubes and creating the fuel to pressing it into the motor and balancing it on a stick, thats all me. My rockets go up but because i havent advanced my equipment for them they are not flying straight and that project has been put on hold until i get more funding for that area. Just because my father watched the last one drive for the pool and then just miss and bounce off the deck.

Then we have electronics, i figure all mad scientists make gadgets and so will I. I am focusing on radios as they dominate todays society so if i can make things that amplify or cancel their signals I can control almost anything in the modern world. I work in a rapidly failing small business so i took anything that wouldnt be missed and wasnt stapled to the ground. Just so i could take apart the radios, hand held phones, dead computers you name it i got it.

The last one of course is chemistry. Chemistry has been my true muse for my entire existence before i even knew what it was. I was facinated by nuclear energy at like 12 (its physics i know but it taught me the atom) I took all the under grad chemistry classes at Uconn, other then P-chem and am in the middle of building a lab. My goal is to buy a college text book and do all the lab work in it as i have done it all before. Please understand that i am and always have been a chemist my parents have found plenty of makeshift labs so getting the glassware is just a step up from #2 jugs in my mind and probably my parents at this point. Also i want it noted that i am not a meth cook and I kept labs from my parents because of the nature of the whole thing, even now when i work in the open my mom asks if its meth and i say something like "which one of these do you think is used in meth synthesis and i can tell you why i cant use it."

So far the lab is about half constructed, all name brand my main lab will be chemglass mostly as those bitches (used with love) make good glass. I will buy a shitty chinese set up for inventory but you best believe i dropped 30 dollars on my RBF so it doesnt explode when its heated and kill me, that is a huge fear of mine ungrounded mostly but still there.

I said to my mother "i feel like drugs were some kind of paper i focused my mind on, I didnt want to look up at the world but then i got clean and realized the impact my mind can and should have on the world, I understand what they mean by drugs are a waste why everyone always said there is no greater waste in life then potential, they werent saying it because they cared about me they were saying it because i would care about me."

I could go on but i derailed the thread enough. Look at my list and ask yourself "is anyone safe from parental judgement?"

 

[bukweat]

Depends on what your definition of sober is. Maybe a little advice here you can take it or leave it but who gives a fuck about your sobriety. The answer had better be you Boston. To hell with everyone elses' opinion. Do whats right for you and right now its subs.
Just my 2 cents.