I'm sure I'm not entirely unique, but sometimes it certainly feels that way. I hate my job, I hate the people, everyone is against me, etc.
But I need the money.
I've tried being nice, I've tried being quiet and keeping my head down, but none of that stuff works. I always think I'm going to get fired for something arbitrary just because I have a terrible attitude and my manager is always tattle-telling to his boss about my insubordination. Amidst all of this, I get a raise of nearly 20% just for complaining all the time about how shitty things are and how terrible the communication is, without actually naming any names. This actually made things worse because my manager is sabotaging my work even more; he gives me tasks to do, and then throws other things on top that can be handled by part time workers who he seems to be too afraid to make work hard for fear of them quitting or not liking him. So the end result is that he can accurately say that I didn't get much done, just like the purpose of war in the novel 1984 is to constantly create economic activity without producing any wealth. Basically, to make business happen - in a vacuum.
The guys and I at work have almost nothing in common, which is not a surprise. They gang up on me all the time in ways where there's no way for me to explicitly accuse them of bullying me without sounding like I'm crazy, which works quite well because I got out of rehab about 3 months ago. I'm almost to the point of just walking out. Ironically, this is a place where there's this whole hypocritical "anti-corporate" faggotry going on, and it is only ironic to me because I've worked at "uptight corporate" places before and witnessed the complete opposite of the stereotype, whereas this places is rife with the most base and obvious forms of politics.
I try my best to not sound smart at all, because I see the reactions it brings from everyone except for the owner and second-in-command. I really only give a shit about money, but while I'm still two levels below weaseling my way over my manager's head and into a power position I would at least like to not feel like shooting myself every day - literally, I plan every weekend to commit suicide and I have the gun money set aside. The fatalist in me wants to go on a sociopathic rampage, stepping on all manner of people on my way to the non-existent risk-management position I want to create for myself, and this is a fatalist attitude just because I know what kind of crash and burn it will yield.
Instead, I just play along with the politics because realistically I know that I need to pay the fucking rent and I already know what it's like to bet heavy on a dangerous hand. It's been more than two years now since I lost an incredible amount of money and seen my dreams collapse, and the fucking losses are still carrying forward in the form of tax credits. I can't believe I've relegated myself to not being able to stomp on people who deserve it. Even worse, I hate how petty I've become in that I just want to be flush again so I can cause wanton destruction to other people's careers with the impunity that only comes from not being afraid of getting fired.
It's really only a matter of time before I ignore the consequences and walk out of that place. I've already decided that the way I'll end up quitting when I lose my temper is to leave my cell phone somewhere and just walk out without telling anyone. That way, they have no way of contacting me at all. It's not like I have a life outside of work; I'll wait a few weeks and change my phone number.
But I need the money.
I've tried being nice, I've tried being quiet and keeping my head down, but none of that stuff works. I always think I'm going to get fired for something arbitrary just because I have a terrible attitude and my manager is always tattle-telling to his boss about my insubordination. Amidst all of this, I get a raise of nearly 20% just for complaining all the time about how shitty things are and how terrible the communication is, without actually naming any names. This actually made things worse because my manager is sabotaging my work even more; he gives me tasks to do, and then throws other things on top that can be handled by part time workers who he seems to be too afraid to make work hard for fear of them quitting or not liking him. So the end result is that he can accurately say that I didn't get much done, just like the purpose of war in the novel 1984 is to constantly create economic activity without producing any wealth. Basically, to make business happen - in a vacuum.
The guys and I at work have almost nothing in common, which is not a surprise. They gang up on me all the time in ways where there's no way for me to explicitly accuse them of bullying me without sounding like I'm crazy, which works quite well because I got out of rehab about 3 months ago. I'm almost to the point of just walking out. Ironically, this is a place where there's this whole hypocritical "anti-corporate" faggotry going on, and it is only ironic to me because I've worked at "uptight corporate" places before and witnessed the complete opposite of the stereotype, whereas this places is rife with the most base and obvious forms of politics.
I try my best to not sound smart at all, because I see the reactions it brings from everyone except for the owner and second-in-command. I really only give a shit about money, but while I'm still two levels below weaseling my way over my manager's head and into a power position I would at least like to not feel like shooting myself every day - literally, I plan every weekend to commit suicide and I have the gun money set aside. The fatalist in me wants to go on a sociopathic rampage, stepping on all manner of people on my way to the non-existent risk-management position I want to create for myself, and this is a fatalist attitude just because I know what kind of crash and burn it will yield.
Instead, I just play along with the politics because realistically I know that I need to pay the fucking rent and I already know what it's like to bet heavy on a dangerous hand. It's been more than two years now since I lost an incredible amount of money and seen my dreams collapse, and the fucking losses are still carrying forward in the form of tax credits. I can't believe I've relegated myself to not being able to stomp on people who deserve it. Even worse, I hate how petty I've become in that I just want to be flush again so I can cause wanton destruction to other people's careers with the impunity that only comes from not being afraid of getting fired.
It's really only a matter of time before I ignore the consequences and walk out of that place. I've already decided that the way I'll end up quitting when I lose my temper is to leave my cell phone somewhere and just walk out without telling anyone. That way, they have no way of contacting me at all. It's not like I have a life outside of work; I'll wait a few weeks and change my phone number.
