Fucked up, and feeling pretty shitty about it.

[OhBoyCali]

Hey guys- without getting into too much detail (I've posted here before), I'm an alcoholic and a coke abuser who has quit, several times. Recently was my best stretch in recent memory, in which I went 7 weeks without any drink, drug, or even cigarette or medicine of any kind, except Zoloft for my depression and ambien to help get me sleeping. A few weeks ago I had a post on BL about how proud I was to not have gone back to drinking and coke after a really, really rough day.

Well, those 7 weeks went down the goddamn drain a few days ago. I just couldn't take it. Every time something good happens, something bad happens. I honestly dread waking up in the morning sometimes, because it seems like the whole world exists to give me shit or come at me somehow, or that I just can't win at life.

So a few days ago I started drinking and blowing white, and I've been going pretty steady sense. Been every night and a good bit of every day. I'm feeling really bad about myself now, which is just making it worst. It may only be a temporary solution, but it really does make one feel better, if only for a moment.

Christ..I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried and tried and tried, and I keep fucking up. I'm at the end of my rope with this unhappiness, ya know?

 

[IntoxicatedDMMKM]

You can't quit all vices at once, it's kind of unrealistic, and yes sober life sucks it always sucks, 24/7, that's life. That's why we have the vices in the first place, I'd quit the white and stick to beer for ahwile, it's about harm reduction so you don't die, don't be fooled into thnking sober life is great. It isn't unless you got everything going for you, which again is very unrealistic.

 

[hobhead]

^^^that's depression speaking ^^^ sober life has plenty going for it, regardless if one is on easy street or not . nothing wrong with imbibing now and again though lest the chems get the best of you .

 

[webbykevin]

I'm an alcoholic and a coke abuser who has quit, several times.

No you have not, you can only quit something once, so if you are still doing it you have never quit and you are fooling yourself.

I do the same thing with tobacco mate, I have quit smoking dozens of times lol, its just games that my mind plays with myself to somehow justify what a fucking idiot I am when it comes to my nicotine addiction.

I had a bad coke problem about 3 years ago and I quit, and the only reason I can say I quit is that i have never done coke since, not once, that is quitting.

First step in dealing with anything is being honest with yourself about the situation.

Hope you sort it all out mate, I hope you nail it, coke wasn't that tough actually, I think you may find the booze harder to deal with.

best of luck with everything anyway.

 

[godlovesugly]

It may only be a temporary solution, but it really does make one feel better, if only for a moment.

i got to the point in my addiction where the drugs did not even do that anymore. there was nothing good about it. i wasnt even getting high anymore or that high. not enough for it to be worth it anyway. but really for me, the drugs just stopped doing what they used to do. they used to make me happy, careless, and content. but i couldnt even feel that good-feeling of the drug at all anymore. i was miserable. with drugs and without drugs.

you have depression. you need to be on an anti-depressant. you said you were on Zoloft. but you just stopped taking it. not a good idea in my opinion.

you're unhappy and you know this already...but drugs aren't gonna make it better. they make shit 100x worse. you cant keep self-medicating with the coke. its not working.

ok so you relapsed. dont beat yourself up over it. but stop now and get straight. see your doctor about your depression and getting back on an antidepressant [after you detox from the coke and whatever else youre doing]. get into therapy. try NA/AA meetings.

 

[Legerity]

Quitting every single thing at once is a lot to deal with. I always cringe when hear of people trying to quit smoking at the same time that they are trying to quit all other substances. Sure it's a drug like anything else but it does not disrupt your life in the same way as heavy use of other drugs, so it seems like unnecessary pressure to be adding on. But that's just me, it's great if you are able to do that.

Don't beat yourself up, just learn what worked and what didn't work for you during those 7 weeks. Find the reasons why "sober" life is so unbearable to you. This is what needs to be changed. If you quit all drugs but the underlying anxiety/depression/whatever is not dealt with, then you are still left anxious/depressed/whatever except without any drugs. This isn't necessarily much better.

 

[GodricNightfall]

Fuck I feel you man, I can't see myself ever being able to be sober and enjoy myself. Kinda feel like nothng is complete unless your fucked up. My sugestion would be to take up cannabis for a little bit to help the withdrawl and then if you want to live a completly sober life getting off that shouldnt be to hard, as long as you have dealt with your depression which is a lot harder than some people make it out to be.

 

[User Name Here]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Addiction is one of the most complex diseases known to man and it's not something you can figure out and treat overnight! I don't know a single person who has been able to get sober without relapsing at least once. I know it took me years of trying before I finally "did it" and even then I'm still not naive enough to think that I'll be able to stay away for good, even when I haven't touched anything for almost three years. It's a day at a time so please don't be so hard on yourself!

If you need to vent to anyone you're more than welcome to message me. I hope you feel better soon. There are plenty of Darksiders who know how you feel so don't give up yet!

 

[jctoona84]

I know the exact feeling/situation. In early recovery the world seems to throw shit your way all the time. It's almost uncanny how it happens at times. I think everyone goes through this. Don't beat yourself up about it because you can't change what happened. You can work on today and hope for tomorrow. Learn why you relapsed and figure out how to cope/prevent it in the future. Good luck!