Fucked up again...

[transitioneer]

Just writing this mainly to vent but also looking for advice if at all possible...

So today, I guess I left my car open and my mom went in it and found a bag of weed and a pack of syringes. I usually am very keen on making sure it's all locked and that I have my keys on me so that no one could check it but today I just forgot... She's been suspicious since this past Sunday when I was on mxe and she could tell I was intoxicated on something. I started living with her again after I went to jail so that I wouldn't be fucking up and doing drugs anymore but I really didn't think using drugs was a terrible thing in the context that I did them, and especially considering how my use was revealed to my family.

I went to jail in January after I blacked out on mxe... I was living with my grandparents at the time, and it was known that I smoked weed, and it was cool with them and my mom, and they let me smoke in the house, knowing that my uncle who lived there also smoked and they would rather him do it there then risk getting caught by doing it elsewhere. I was also fairly open about my use of other drugs too (only psychedelics really) and assumed that it was mostly on a don't ask, don't tell kinda basis... however, after blacking out that one time on mxe I guess my family was worried, as they didn't really know what drugs I was doing and they knew I was fairly depressed so they thought I was trying to kill myself, and thus they called the ambulance. It might also be worth mentioning that my grandpa is an alcoholic and frequently acts quite odd when he is drunk, and I assume this played some part in him calling the paramedics, as there clearly was weed out, among bags, needles and my mg scale, so I don't think anyone would have just called the paramedics and left everything out...

After the paramedics got there, since it was considered an incidental overdose, I guess there was reason for them to search, so the police were called and they found and took what drugs were just laying out, and my phone... From this, they gathered that I was selling drugs and all... but not all of my stuff was confiscated by the police... I found out that what drugs I had hidden were taken by my family after the police left, but the police still did have a fair amount of evidence... After being left in jail for a few days, I only got tried for possession in the 7th degree (which is still pending but likely going to get dropped) and it was decided I would go back to living at my mom's, who also hired a lawyer to help get the case off my record.

Now, I hadn't been living at my mom's for 2 years at this point because my stepdad had kicked me out after he found I was stealing money from him,(nothing major, about $200) and this was ample enough evidence to kick me out, as he already wanted me out prior to me doing anything bad to him. After him and my mother got married he turned physically and emotionally abusive to me, throwing an osciallating fan at me after I didn't put a basketball away on THE FIRST DAY that he moved into our house after they married. After him and my mom bought a house together and I was thus living under his rule, he began to limit my internet access and became overly strict to me and my siblings, but especially me. After many years of this I began to rebel back by stealing what I did, although that was a very big mistake and quite immature of me. My older sister was kicked out before I was, for various reasons, but nothing as directly disrespectful as what I did... and she was also much more stable when she was kicked out. It's also worth mentioning that I did not use any drugs before I got kicked out.

After being kicked out, which was a big hit that I took in the midst of a bunch of other stuff in my life being fucked up, (just out of HS and no clue what I want to do with life, and I had just lost all my friends besides my girlfriend who was very independent which caused my jealousy, and she exploited this a fair bit) I started to live at my grandparents and shortly after began smoking weed.

I found weed to completely change my perspective on things and I began to feel much more confident and find who I really was. It's also worth mentioning that I was working, even before I got kicked out of my mom's, and paid my own car insurance and etc. After about 3 months I began smoking daily and began hanging out with a few old friends. I knew working shitty part time jobs wouldn't pay enough, as they didn't at this point and I really didn't have many expenses. I decided I needed a scenery change to help change my life and gain some direction, so I decided I would move in with my father, who I hadn't lived with and only visited with briefly since I was about 7. It was May of 2010 at the time, which means I was 18... and I decided after moving and settling in, I would begin to attend college down there. I didn't stop smoking although I knew my father was much more strict about drugs, and I had a newly found fascination with psychedelics, but had not yet experienced them.

I started taking summer classes, and found work almost immedietly, although I was still unsure what I really wanted to get from college. My dad caught on that I was using drugs even though I was just smoking and researching psychedelics at the time. He had a very stern view and just assumed any drugs were bad, despite the fact I was showing much improvement from the depression I was plauged with. After he showed no signs of letting go of his strict, ignorant views, I grew fustrated and now that I was on the right path (or so I believed) I decided after the fall 2010 semester that I would move back with my grandparents. My father did not talk to me from the day that I left his house, til about 2 weeks ago, because of how angry he was and despite the fact that I did wish to still have a relationship with him... I just didn't think me smoking weed and dabbling in psychedelics was such a bad thing, as it helped me learn to manage myself and my emotions much better.

I moved back with my grandparents and started using psychedelics more frequently and also began taking supplements and nootropics which was something I did not try to hide but was looking at suspiciously by my family. I was still going to school and working, and also had found the world of RCs. I became interested in neuroscience and pharmacology. I was still going to school maintaining above a 3.0gpa while working 20+hours a week. I began seling RCs I would buy offline to people I knew, just because of how readily available it was and how big of a profit margin there was, but I was still fairly responsible with everything I was doing.

In November, after messing with it a few times and enjoying it, I started to IM ketamine/methoxetamine fairly frequently. I knew from the first time I did ketamine that I had some sort of psychological addiction to it but I didn't think this was abnormal and I was still maintaining above a 3.0gpa in school. After I finished my associates degree I planned to continue on to a 4year school where I could get my degree in neuroscience, and live on campus free from the less than ideal conditions I had at "home." I had no job at the time, due to it being winter, and my job was a summer job, but I was looking for work and also making enough money from selling, which wasn't really too terribly suspicious because I never really went out a lot and spent money and my family knew this.

After I went to jail I realized I was addicted to methoxetamine/ketamine and that is what got me there, and I also realized it was really un necessary to be importing so many RCs and especially to be selling them. My stepdad was reluctant to let me back in the house but my mom saw it as necessary. It was understood I would no longer be using drugs as I have to go to an outpatient rehab center as part of the court ruling, and they test me there. After I saw it was simple to cheat the tests I started occasionally smoking weed after I had found work. The police also still have my phone, and my mom didn't buy me a new one so they really didn't see it possible that I could get drugs. After I realized I could be using again, but much less, and much more discreetly, I had my friend order some RCs for me. I have been working 7 days a week and taking a night class, which is all I could get this semester, since I missed registration while I wqas in jail...

I had been good at hiding my use, since I go to work and come home and sit in my room, because the vibe is just awkward here with how irrational my stepdad is towards me. He still limits my internet time and will lock me out when I step out for a cigarette. (my mom doesn't mind if I smoke as much as I want, because THAT isn't as bad as psychedelics lol 8)) He also doesn't let my little brother or sister (his kids with my mom) show me any attention if he's around, even though I am very good with them and they both really like me. After noticing me walking odd the other day when I stepped out of my room on mxe she's been suspicious, and I guess today when I was careless I left my car unlocked, and she went through it.

She came up to me very angry with the bag of weed and needles. I told her I was just smoking weed and the needles had to be from before I got arrested. Of course I feel terrible about lying but I really do not want to get kicked out here, as I should have enough credits to go to a 4year school and live there quite soon and I really have no idea if I have any other options. She does have no actual proof that I was using the needles which made me think it was viable to argue it. She didn't search my car well obviously, as I found my weed grinder still in there, and she hasn't told my stepdad yet but I am still very nervous. I would love to just leave now but I really can't support myself on my own, and even if I could, I would likely have to give up any idea of going to school and be stuck working shitty part time jobs forever. I know I'm not a dead-end drug addict, but use of any kind looks bad, and especially needles where there is a stigma involved. I could stop using but I just find it hard to, especially when I am stressed out at home, and am working and going to school all the time and now have no social life after being arrested.

I know this was long, but hopefully it was readable. I really just needed to vent but I would appreciate it so much if anyone could offer some advice.

 

[badfish45]

Well I mean you can tell yourself things, but I feel like you need to sit down and analyze yourself. If you're having trouble quitting IM drug use NOW, what's it going to turn in to? You're digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole. I mean it started for you with just weed and some psychedelics and look what it turned into. If you need a place to stay and your parents don't want you doing drugs or having them in their house, you should probably respect their wishes and stop using, because you'll at least be able to save money until you can get out on your own and then do whatever you want. But how much faith do you have in yourself that you're going to be able to maintain IM ketamine and methoxetamine? You're putting yourself in bad positions and doing things that you as a person know are wrong and that you have a problem with it, yet you do it anyway just to maintain your drug use. I'm not criticizing, I'm just asking you to analyze your lifestyle. Your family life is hard, but the drug use sure isn't making it any easier, so if there are things that you know you can do to change the situation that you're in, I highly suggest making some major life changes. While they might not especially seem glamorous, you have to decide what is worth it.

 

[transitioneer]

Well, my mom really didn't blow things up after all. I have a new hiding spot for the needles now in my car which is much more well hidden, so even if she somehow gets into my car, I seriously doubt she'd find them... although this does make me feel guilty. I'm definitely going to slow down my use and be more responsible. Injecting methoxetamine is really the only thing that I get out of hand with, in terms of frequency of using, and I can see that when I start abusing it I get fairly careless and apathetic towards covering it up when I need to.

After tripping yesterday (2c-b+mxe) I realized I could easily abstain from drugs if I really had to, but as long as things are fairly lax and I feel I won't do something dumb to get caught like leaving my car unlocked or walking around really dissociated, I don't think it's too bad to dabble. I also have a feeling that after my case is settled (which it will be dropped after I watch all the movies that are apart of this outpatient program) that my mom will ease up a bit. She's never really had a problem with me smoking and now that I found a better hiding spot for my rigs, weed is really the only thing she would find even if I left my car unlocked. She cleaned my room yesterday, so I would assume she also looked for drugs hidden about, and didn't find anything, so that kinda confirms this thought.

 

[RedLeader]

First bit of advice I would give to you is that you can take a moral standpoint that weed and/or psychedelics and/or dissociatives are not that dangerous, that other people should be more tolerant of them, they should be decriminialised and all, but this does not mean that you need to also use them often. Nobody's going to call you a hypocrite if you're not continuously doing the drugs that you socially/politically/etc promote. Sometimes current life situations take precedence over general-sense awareness, and it's best to just keep those beliefs alive but on the backburner until your life clears up.

As well, injecting ketamine might not be as bad as injecting other drugs, but how I see it going wrong would be that conditioning yourself to see injecting Chemical A "responsibly" could lead to you trying to inject Chemical B in a responsible way as well. Let's say that heroin enters your social circle and you decide to try a line or two. You like it, exercise control and keep it to the weekends. Great, but then your ability to 'inject drugs safely' could lead to you trying to inject heroin safely, and even though your pattern of use is responsible, you still overdose and make your situation way, way worse. I'm not saying that you would do heroin, I don't know you really at all. I'm just telling you that it's happened before.

If I were you, I'd actually put the drugs down for a little bit and do everything you can to get yourself financially independent and out on your own. Then once you are completely in control of your life and your environment, you can go back to doing what it is that you want to do. Often with responsibility comes maturity as well, so if you think you can smoke or get stoned now and then, you might be able to keep it recreational a little better when you're not adding an element of escapism to it.

 

[transitioneer]

I've always had the standpoint that psychedelics/weed are "good drugs" and can bring about great changes in one's life. I don't do psychedelics too often, as I was tripping at the "height of my use" once every 2 weeks. Dissociatives are a bit harder to argue for, but I have even showed my mom studies that ketamine is helpful against depression. I've tried to tell her it's healthy that I use psychedelics, as alcoholism runs in my family... and I've also been diagnosed before with depression and anxiety. I believe smoking weed and doing psychedelics has greatly helped both of these things and help me become much more productive and healthy. My mom knows that I was very opposed to it when the psychiatrist I was seeing tried to put me on SSRI's, as well, as I told her the mechanism of action is just not healthy, and that it may not even help me (perhaps even hinder me) and then I would have to taper off and etcetera.

My mom works at the hospital at a local university, in the chemotherapy/clinical trials department and they are somehow involved with the FDA and how they regulate drugs that I suppose my mom helps put through trial at the hospital and thus she even disproves of me using things like the -racetams, Lion's Mane extract and choline. She basically thinks any and all drugs that aren't FDA regulated are ridiculous, and not regulated for health reasons, and doesn't see at all how one could see it as a sort of manipulation.

With all of these things considered, I find it very hard to just stop use altogether because they really have no logic besides "zomg illegal = baaaaad." Of course I feel bad going against their wishes, but I don't think it's hard to see that my responsible use has benefited me. I think me knowing that I'm addicted to injecting mxe/k is making me feel even worse about going behind their backs, so to speak, even though I'm still doing well in school and working and I'm definitely trying to get that more under control, as I know I can go without it, I just have to be strong and resist any temptations. After I take a 3-5 day break I'm going to limit myself to 3 days a week where I can inject a maximum of 2 times each day. I think setting a goal like this that is realistic will be good and give me the confidence to stay within those limits.

After my current mxe stash runs out I don't plan on getting anymore mxe til I move on my own. I may be getting 3 grams of s-ket if it comes around, but that would be a one-time thing, and k is much harder for me to abuse like I do with mxe. And the only real reason I got the mxe was because I had a friend offer me 5g at a very generous price.

EDIT: so while I understand what you were saying with regards to heroin/harder drugs, I can see your point but I don't think something like that would be a problem. Heroin is fairly big around where I live and I wouldn't doubt that I would get into it if I could, but I don't think I would even try it... Cocaine got pretty big among some of my friends, and I never wanted to try it and I'm even less inclined to after seeing how my friend started to abuse it pretty bad and ended up becoming very self-centered and egotistical, and very fiendy.

I do psychedelics not to get "fucked up" but for the mental grounding and new outlook on things it gives. The same could be said about ket/mxe but obviously these are much more phsychologically addictive and also easier abuse.

 

[RedLeader]

Ya man, it's hard to play devil's advocate with you because I hold very similar beliefs. Where this got me into trouble was when I was at in-patient rehab. Talk about a group of people who do NOT want to hear the "psychedelics can be helpful to a life" argument!

I will just reiterate my point that you need to match your mother's (and anyone else's) words with words, and your actions involving drugs should be removed from that and solely based on your bottom-up approach to regulating your own body and mind. Never use to rebel against the options and attitudes of others, because this is reactionary use, which is rather impulsive in nature and can overlook a lot of the necessities to being safe and hidden. In reality, psychedelics are illegal, as you know, slip-ups with drugs can really mess up your life and potential. This is why I suggest eliminating the verbal sparring altogether. She's probably not going to change her option, it's just not worth it. Spend your time talking with people who agree with you and can be positive influences on that part of your life. It's more rewarding that way.

 

[transitioneer]

Ever since I've moved back in I've been pretty quiet about things because I know she won't change her mind, especially after everything that's happened because it would just be silly. I know me getting arrested didn't look good, and thus certainly doesn't match up with me saying that psychedelics aren't bad... because while I can differentiate between "psychedelics" and "dissociatives," my mom sees it all as "drugs." And I know that me going overboard and spending essentially way too many days-on-end shooting mxe was the cause of me going to jail, I'm sure my mom thinks that that was how frequently I normally used.

I do occasionally ask her if it would be ok if I ordered supplements (afformentioned -racetams/choline/lion's mane) as those would help me to keep my mind off of using other drugs, and also help me cognitively and functionally without being straight out "illegal narcotics" or however my mom sees psychedelics/dissociatives, but she seems to be pretty firm on me not doing that either.

Again with all these things considered, along with all the little bullshit I get at home from my stepdad and the lack of an y social interaction I have (and therefore boredom) it's hard to completely let go of doing any drugs. I mean, I am allowed caffeine and legal supplements/vitamins (fishoil, magnesium) and also cigarettes (quite odd considering my mom's profession) but it's hard to be satisfied with these. I'm sure I'd be allowed to drink once I'm of age, especially seeing as how even though alcoholism runs in my family, it's not really frowned upon... My stepdad has signs in the garage stating "Beer is good for you" and "finish your beer, there are starving kids in India" even though the children that my mom has with my stepdad are 6years old and 3 years old and these aren't exactly good messages... also, my uncle will buy his 20 year old daughter a 6pack for valentines day... and this same cousin of mine talks with a different aunt of mine about how they're going to make all these awesome mixed drinks on facebook. I just find it very odd things like this and my cigarettes smoking are ok, even though they're much more harmful on many levels than psychedelics/dissociatves/cannabis.

 

[badfish45]

People are complete hypocrites aren't they? I hate it, when my parents used to drink every single night and any time I'd be high they'd start giving me a bunch of shit for it... yeah I mean obviously psychedelics and weed aren't especially THAT bad, but RL is right, with the way you're training your mind to work with drugs it's really risky for something bad to happen. You don't even have to put the drugs down for good if that isn't something you're willing to do, but I think you should try to find some new outlets so you aren't having to pay out so much for drugs each week. Considering your family situation I suggest that gaining financial independence and living on your own is a great goal to go for.

 

[transitioneer]

I luckily don't spend too much on drugs. An eighth of weed lasts me at least week, and I have a nice stash of psychedelics already (3g of 2c-b...some of which I could sell, 500mg of aMT and 1g of 2-C-T-7). The only thing I'd buy really is that s-ket, and weed. The s-ket is being offered at a really good price, and I've never had s-ket before, only racemic, which is why I'd be getting that if it comes through... I thought about getting some 4-ho-met, 25i-nbome and DiPT as well, which would last me at least a year for fairly cheap as well, but I haven't made up my mind.

I'm still putting money away and whatnot so money isn't the biggest issue, but it's still spending money so I understand.

After this coming fall semester I should be going away to school, and I'm fairly sure financial aid and this program that my outpateient rehab counselor is looking into will pay for most of it. If not I do plan on working then as well.

Edit: to put it in perspective I only spend about one fifth of my weekly pay on various drugs (including tobacco) and the rest goes away/towards whatever other financial obligations I have (gas, car insurance, etc) and since I barely have a social life since getting arrested, I'm not spending any other money

 

[badfish45]

Do you know if the financial aid is going to require a drug test? That might be something you want to put into forethought before it becomes hindsight, as even just an eighth a week might take 4-6 weeks to clear out of your system.

 

[transitioneer]

Do you know if the financial aid is going to require a drug test? That might be something you want to put into forethought before it becomes hindsight, as even just an eighth a week might take 4-6 weeks to clear out of your system.

I don't know for sure, but once I get any news I'd definitely stop if I needed to.
I do know that after 3 months of daily smoking (probably around eighth a week as well) took me only 2 weeks to fully clear my system and pass a drug test I had.

I haven't heard anything of it requiring a test, and I'm still getting all my paperwork in but once it gets closer to being done and I have to make an appointment to meet with someone (which is when I assume I'd be getting tested) I'll of course be taking a break just to be sure. I also made sure I was clean last time I had to go to court, just to be on the safe side, as I know I wouldn't be able to fake a test there... and if they did decide to test me and I failed, I'm sure it could mean the difference between me getting probation or getting off clean.

 

[RedLeader]

I've never heard of financial aid for education requiring a drug test. If you have any drug convictions on your record, though, then you'll probably be denied student loans. Do you?

 

[transitioneer]

I've never heard of financial aid for education requiring a drug test. If you have any drug convictions on your record, though, then you'll probably be denied student loans. Do you?

I just have possession of a controlled substance in the 7th degree now, but after I'm finished going through this rehab program, I need to go back to court and it will be dropped. I'm not sure if I will be able to get financial aid from FAFSA or whatever, but my rehab counselor has been telling me about another program that would pay for my school, and I believe the rehab program is affiliated with them, as my counselor seems very sure about setting me up in this program.