Fuck.

[808beachbunny]

Hey guys - I'm new here, & just needed to vent for a minute. I've only been addicted to opiates for 2 years, but damn. This shit is no joke. I'm an IV heroin (& anything else! I love some meth & blow, too, especially to bang) user. Today I'm at my 60 days clean. Holy fucking shit, this is hard. I hate everything. I take that back - I love my son. I love my husband. That's why I haven't had a shot in 60 days. Part of me wants to ask my husband to just let me go. I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't think I can do it anymore. FUCK. I want to get high.
I really don't expect much here, but I felt like I needed to get that shit out of me, & this board is all I got at the moment for that. I really don't have anyone anymore. We left Hawaii (I miss it there so bad it hurts) & are living in Missouri now, & I really don't know anyone here except for the dude that was my dealer. Clearly I can't call him up to chill.
I just hate everything. A fat shot sounds really good. My tolerance is down from my 60 days clean time - maybe that shot would do it.

 

[endlessnameless]

Congratulations on your 60 Days bunny - fuck, I cant even imagine what that would be like being only at a mere 5 right now. Believe me I feel the exact same - Hallowe'en approaching isnt making things any easier as I always make a huge deal of it, getting particularly high.

I expect you'll be pleasently surprised at the amount of support, advice and general encouragement this forum will supply you with. I suggest you make a post in this thread venting all your frustrations every time you feel like this - its worked for me before but I cant find mine (I think it was closed/locked) so thats what I'm going to do again anyway.

I may only be on Day 5 - but thats this time; been through this shit ample times in the past, so if you want someone to talk to then please do feel free to send me a PM anytime; I'm always open to listening and giving advice. Talking/venting/ranting alone can help massively - and thats what TDS is for: you to voice your worries, concerns about cravings and low moods - all those emotions that people in the other forums dont care to hear about.

Are you on any form of maintainance? Methadone; Subutex; Suboxone? Or did you go through all of that already? Was it Cold Turkey? I just did a 7 day Methadone taper; spreading 120mls out over 7 days. I have to say it was the most painless withdrawal ever but withdrawal is the piss easy part - abstinance is the epic battle - especially all that PAW's bollox.

 

[mrflowers00]

try going to AA/NA meetings to make some friends who know what you're going through

 

[808beachbunny]

Hey man - thanks for reading & responding I will keep that in mind & maybe I will actually be able to keep it up this time. The most clean time I've had prior to this period is, like, a day. maybe.
No - no maintenance. No meetings. No phone. Just me in a big empty house in the middle of the Ozarks. My husband (who's a pretty high ranking NCO in the Army) was caught off-gaurd by my addiction when we found out about it. I kept everything together for a long time, then when we got to Missouri it all fell apart. He found my syringes & spoons & had them tested before he confronted me about it - they were positive for crystal & H & had my prints on them. sooooo long story short, I ended up going to a drug-free detox, & then went to an in-patient facility. On my third day of rehab they found syringes in my bag & I got kicked out.
Now I'm just on house arrest, basically. I get why I can't go anywhere or talk to anyone or have any privacy. Really - I get it. I deserve that much. I'm so lucky I still have him & my son, both. I know I don't deserve either of them. & in all honesty I know I'm no less sick than the women I know who have literally lost everything. So the fact I'm not in their situation motivates me not to fuck it up. but DAMN. That doesn't really make the isolation & cabin fever feel any less shitty & it doesn't do shit for my cravings which are ridiculous. & I have moments, like this one, where I would give it all up to get high. I don't know how to get through times like this. I just don't know how I'm gonna do this. I feel like I'm REALLY loosing it.
I'm so mother fucking DISGUSTED with myself.
FUCK FUCK FUDILS;JKDF;ALKDJAL;SDJA;DSA.
ugh.

 

[808beachbunny]

By the way, just to reiterate - Thank you. So much. I know I'm a completely anonymous stranger on the internet, but... the fact that there actually is another human on Earth that would give a shit about this struggle is amazing.

 

[endlessnameless]

By the way, just to reiterate - Thank you. So much. I know I'm a completely anonymous stranger on the internet, but... the fact that there actually is another human on Earth that would give a shit about this struggle is amazing.

Its a most definite pleasure. It keeps me going - helping others in whatever way I can...when I'm well enough to do it (which will be all the time, now), which in the past would have been within the absolute utters of rarity. Anytime I can help, I will - and others will be able to help you much more than me I'm sure but if you're ever in immediate need of help/someone to chat to, then you can send me a private message and as long as I'm around I'll jump straight online. I know exactly what the isolation is like...much more managable when you can talk to someone, listen to some music and just let your concious flow you know? Its no bother Bunny.

Ah, cold turkey. Each and every time I've done that its always lead me back to relapse, but the best way I've found so far is my current method of a rapid methadone taper. Of course its not always a cakewalk finding street methadone that hasnt been watered down, nor indeed a source willing to sell it at a reasonable price. I just got lucky however - certainly the only stroke of luck I've ever got in...well, ever.

I know I don't deserve either of them

I have to disagree with you here. You feel you dont deserve any of them because you have a drug addiction? So you made a couple of mistakes - you're only human pet. Of course you deserve them - you're still psychologically addicted to these drugs, thats why you're craving - not because you're a bad wife or a bad mother. If you took the drugs out of the equation for a moment, would you still feel the same way about deserving them?

How big was your habit? I know you've mentioned Crystal and Blow, but I'll presume your vice of choice was probably Heroin right? Is this what you're having the worst cravings for?

 

[808beachbunny]

I think I'ma make a pot of some strong ass kava. & put a smile on my face (even if it's fake at the moment). Take a shower, & rake up some leaves to jump in with my kid. oh yeah, & not get high. That is my plan, at least for this hour.

 

[808beachbunny]

I can't figure out how to do those specific quotes & not the entire post, but yes. I have love affairs with meth & coke, but heroin is definitely my drug of choice. & what I'm currently craving. Specifically the rush with the needle.

I see what you're saying. I agree, logically, that I feel that way b/c I kinda hate myself for letting my dabbling with drugs turn into a full-blown dope addiction. It's easier to see that logically than it is to really KNOW that, ya know? Maybe one day. Maybe?

I think my addiction was moderate. I'd wake up, & smoke it to settle my hands enough to mess with fixing a shot - otherwise I'd spill it everywhere & definitely not hit the vein. Then I'd fix my shot to get well, & continue about my business - running errands, cooking/cleaning, taking my son (special needs son) to his various therapies & school. I'd usually need another shot by late morning, then again early afternoon, mid-afternoon, & a strong one before my husband gets home for the night. If that meant shooting up in the bathroom on post in the commissary, surrounded by the other army wives, in the car while my son was in speech, I'd do it quickly & get it over with. I could make a bag last maybe a day & a half, then I'd have to reup to keep from getting ill. I was spending about $150 a week, if that means anything, which I realize it probably doesn't, seeing as how we're on opposite ends of the world.

 

[endlessnameless]

Sounds like a great plan
I think I'm going to have a nice cup of tea and embark on a covert mission to steal another of my mothers cigarettes and maybe work on a stanza I've been contemplating for the last five weeks...which is mine, at least for this hour. After...maybe paint a picture. Its of a Louis Royo/Geiger-esque style. sooo much work involved...but its keeping my brainbox satisfied. Naturally.

Oh yeah, and not get high. Hope you have fun

 

[808beachbunny]

hahaha sounds like a good plan you got planned! Take it easy brother

 

[808beachbunny]

try going to AA/NA meetings to make some friends who know what you're going through

I wish I could go to a meeting! I went to one when we got here, & met my dope guy for the new home. Meetings are strictly forbidden these days, at my husband's request. Again - I get why. But I wish I could hit one.

 

[endlessnameless]

I can't figure out how to do those specific quotes & not the entire post

Simple enough dear - just type [quote*] Insert text you want to quote here [/quote] - but take out the * when you're doing it

I see what you're saying. I agree, logically, that I feel that way b/c I kinda hate myself for letting my dabbling with drugs turn into a full-blown dope addiction. It's easier to see that logically than it is to really KNOW that, ya know? Maybe one day. Maybe?

Maybe? Definitely. Optimisim is one of your best friends at this time Bunny, as fucking cliched and so vastly shite it sounds right now. I say one of, because positive affirmations arent going to be the only thing that'll get us out of this mess. What you need to do is stimulate your natural endorphines - its the only way you're ever going to feel better and raking up leaves to leap into with your child is a great way of doing it. Intense exercise is too - but not just these things either. You see your brain has been so used to the instant gratification that the drug use brings, so reassuring it that its still possible (just not with drugs) is what you need to be doing. Are you a creative person at all? I know it all sounds ooooh so sickeningly 'bullet to the face' cliched, but they're said so often because they do actually work.

All this pain that your feeling - this is actually your brain restructuring its reward system; so try (as difficult as it is) to begin looking at the pain as a positive. Its weakness escaping your body; torture escaping your soul.

I think my addiction was moderate. I'd wake up, & smoke it to settle my hands enough to mess with fixing a shot - otherwise I'd spill it everywhere & definitely not hit the vein. Then I'd fix my shot to get well, & continue about my business - running errands, cooking/cleaning, taking my son (special needs son) to his various therapies & school. I'd usually need another shot by late morning, then again early afternoon, mid-afternoon, & a strong one before my husband gets home for the night. If that meant shooting up in the bathroom on post in the commissary, surrounded by the other army wives, in the car while my son was in speech, I'd do it quickly & get it over with. I could make a bag last maybe a day & a half, then I'd have to reup to keep from getting ill. I was spending about $150 a week, if that means anything, which I realize it probably doesn't, seeing as how we're on opposite ends of the world.

Indeed we may be at opposite sides of the atlantic, but at the peak of my habit I was spending 140euros on heroin, which really isnt that much at all really when you break it down. Over here in Eire our bags are weighed at 0.2 which costs us 20euros, and I'd either shoot or smoke one of those a day until I'd reach my 140euro limit. I was what we call a 'functioning addict' too - no one knew no did they ever suspect. I'd use right up until my 140euros was gone, then I'd stave away the sickness with OTC codeine (every european addicts saviour)...

But its pushing 3 years now since I really started to get hooked, and I'm fuck if I;m doing another 3 years of this. Miserable off the drug, feeling 'good' for about two hours (as long as I neck about 80mgs of valium too) and then just well for another 6/7hrs...and that a perpetual cycle of sickness, getting well, sickness, being in debt with the scumbags you have to deal with in the scene...having no clothes (three out-fits) and never having any money to buy birthday gifts for parents and siblings...not even enough cash for a fucking candy bar...I mean come on, fuck that shit.

Its ok to rock and roll every once in a while (some can, some just cant - simple as) but that daily slave nonsense...its no life Bunny, as well you know.

I wish I could go to a meeting! I went to one when we got here, & met my dope guy for the new home. Meetings are strictly forbidden these days, at my husband's request. Again - I get why. But I wish I could hit one.

The actual success rates in NA/AA meetings are depressingly low - something in the range of 4-6%. You have a better chance of successfully finding a new dealer for the very substance you're trying to abstain from.

Bunny keep posting every time you crave - you could eventually end up using in the end but even if you do - please dont fucking beat yourself up about it. Its all part of recovery. You're making an effort by seeking solace in TDS as it is, and registering here and making this thread shows yourself and the world that you're making a major effort to battle your cravings and that you're serious at abstainance.

Again - I applaud you on your 60days.

 

[herbavore]

hey, I don't have much to say that endlessnameless hasn't said way better than I could but I did want to reiterate something that he said just because I believe it so strongly. Don't let addiction cause shame in you. Remorse is one thing--it is healthy and it moves you forward. Guilt and shame keep you stuck and even more damaging they cause you to use more sometimes just to numb them away so it becomes the vicious circle of use>feel shame>use to numb shame, etc. Pretend the shoe is on the other foot. It is your husband dealing with addiction and not you. You would probably be trying every kindness and positive way to encourage him rather than to shame him or guilt trip him into stopping.

I know there are many different opinions about this but I truly believe that addiction is cruelly arbitrary and no one's fault. However, it becomes your responsibility. This may seem contradictory but it really isn't any different than one person getting diabetes while another person eats the same diet and never develops the disease. So the diabetes is not your fault unless you consider your genetic make-up to be somehow your own fault. But just like with diabetes the first step is accepting the disease, fair or not, and then taking steps to live with it in a healthy way. You are already doing that so you should feel very proud of yourself. I will also reiterate what the fine member above me posted that you are on the right track to keep posting here every time you crave. We'll be your meeting since you can't get to one.

 

[Sepher]

BeachBunny, massive congrats on 60 days. That's a huge achievement. A 2 year opiate addiction is hard to come off, no question.

That shot you're imagining would be fatal to your recovery, trust me. Using any opiate at this stage will set the clock back somewhat. Not into physical withdrawal territory, you're past that, but your brain is still recovering and trying to find some balance and taking opiates now will disturb that process. Give it time, things will improve on the craving front. Are you suffering any symptoms that would come under the PAWS umbrella at all? Anxiety, sleep disturbance, anhedonia, depression, anything like that, or is it just the odd craving you're having?

Your attitude here is important I think. I came off many times, could never make it stick at first. That's cos I still loved opiates and wanted to be able to indulge occasionally, just wanted to fix the habit so I didn't suffer withdrawals any more. Doesn't work, can't go back to recreational once you've had a habit, the odds are too stacked against for it. I only managed to come off in the end once I was sick of H itself, reached a point where I wanted it out of my life for good. It was like a little light switching on once I'd got there, made it so much easier and never looked back since, 11 years clean now. It can be done!

Hope you continue to do so well with your recovery here. You're doing well. Very well. Stick with it, things can only get better, so long as you don't give in to temptation when the chance comes.